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Sunday, November 9, 2008

Convoluted Chaos

I get distracted.

It's interesting that I think in such convoluted patterns. Chaotic, but I think it's chaotic like nature versus skyscraper or computer chip.

That is, there is an order, just not one that is easily discernible to the average man or woman. Including me most of the time.

And I revel in it. When I was younger, I was on a fan club message board and one woman there was once talking about her and her husband. And she said that she was scientific minded and she would go and look at a tree and think of how it was made of atoms and how she was made of atoms and they were so close to the being the same and be filled with awe.

And her husband was artistically minded, and he would look a tree and think "It's a tree!" and be in awe.

I'm totally artistically minded. I remember not that long ago, when I was in the dorms, suddenly having the "artist's eye" hit me and I was peering and just memorized by the beading water on the side of the shower stall. I was awestruck. Such a perfect little bead of water. It could be the universe for all its simple complexity.

Bible study this Friday-- first off, I got to go! That is very exciting in itself. I've not been in a long time. I walked there. Not from home, which is a good fifteen miles away. But instead I went and tagged along with Tabitha to work, and then she had to be at her second job at five thirty and Bible study didn't start until six thirty. So she dropped me off at five fifteen a store a block or so away. Then I entertained myself a little, and then walked there at the edge of twilight so I arrived at five-fifty-six, a few minutes before the sun went down.

That hadn't been my original plan. I was hoping to get a ride there from a friend or her family that I go to Bible study with. The day before I had told her I hoped to go and she was cheerful. She neglected to mention that she wasn't planning on going herself! So I called her house and it turned out she was going to a recital. I wasn't sure if I would hang out with her/them until time for Bible study or if maybe I would just stay at the store until they picked me up on their way, since it was on their way. But they weren't going at all, so I had to walk...

Only then I pull into the store parking lot and I see the woman who leads Bible study and I think, Yay! I can just tag along with her. Even if she had other errands to run, doubtless she'd be going there soon...

But no, apparently she had to work and we were watching a video. Hmm.

Well, I went and saw people and it was good. The video was okay. It was on science and Romans 1: 19-20 since what may be known about God is plain to them, because God has made it plain to them. For since the creation of the world God's invisible qualities—his eternal power and divine nature—have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that men are without excuse.

There were also a few other passages, but apparently it was one in a series of videos. And we'll be watching videos again next week.

It was good to see my Friday family, but I have to admit to myself: watching a video is just not as good fellowship as a "real" Bible study!! But I also don't come from a church that gathers solely to hear lectures. All that has its place, but it is not of highest importance. God did appoint some teachers, but he alone is to be called Teacher, after all.

I'm changing. Which is very good. But it's also perplexing at times. I am afraid I wish too much to know where I'm heading, why I'm changing, etc all those questions I should just be able to trust God with.

I'm highly intelligent. I don't mean to brag, but actually in a way to demean. It can be a serious failing sometimes, spiritually. I was potty trained when I had had an accident in my diaper as a child and my mom was grumbling and saying that didn't I see how inconvenient it was and how easier it would be for me... and I apparently looked at her and very solemnly said "I didn't know you felt that way" and was potty trained from that day forward.

I was that one three year old or whatever age I was then who could be reasoned with. So it's very hard for me to accept no reasons for things... especially since my mom's method of parenting including explaining the why for rules. If I understand something, I am much more likely to do it. If I don't, I just want to stand there and ask questions until I do, and then do it. I don't want to know out of arrogance; it's simply my personality.

But, I remind myself, it's going through those things that are so hard for you that make you grow the most. And I do want to grow and to be closer and closer to the me God intended me to be, not the corrupted me that I know I am.

I want to be obedient... but then again, it's not just a lack of reasons. It's a lack of clarity.

My thoughts are so convoluted.

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