Post Script

And I did forget something.

Monday was the three year anniversary of Eric and me becoming a couple. In a few weeks it'll be the fourth year anniversary of us meeting.

I miss him... but I can wait.

Eventfulness

Hmm. There have been lots of things going on... which means I probably won't post as much as I should. I have a tendency to post a lot when nothing is going on and posting very little when lots is going on. So I'm going to try to make the posting match the eventfulness of my life, but we'll see how it goes...

I'm not at work this week, because I finished up last week. But I'll be going back in about two and half weeks now. Work was very stressful those last weeks. I realized afterwords that I had gotten too invested in it. I am a Christian and I am not supposed to conform to the way of the world. And while I think the job isn't a horrible one (like sweatshop manager or something) it's also still pretty worldly. It doesn't have to be, but it appeals to my baser ambitions (that is competitiveness and the like). I needed to get away and get my priorities right before I restart. So it's a nice vacation. Admittedly, I'm not making much money... but I also don't have as many living expenses as most people so while I won't be able to do much more than pay my bills, I will be able to pay my bills... or at least, minimum payments, you know? Can't serve both God and money. (Wish I was out of debt though).

I went and visited my friends at my alma mater on Monday. It was very nice to see them all. I love them so... but I didn't get a lot of time to visit. I also had spent time with Tabitha, who might be pregnant. I say might because half the tests say she is and half say they aren't. Then she goes to the doctor and one test says no, another says yes, and another says inconclusive!! Poor lamb. She and her husband do want the baby, though if she's not pregnant, they would be okay with waiting a little longer as they don't really have their feet under them right now... but she's showing. So if she's not pregnant it means she has a cyst so large it's making her stomach stick out more. So that's really bad. So we're hoping baby.

I went again to the young adult group I go to at my church tonight and it was a lot of fun. We laughed and joked. Last week Tabitha came and had a good time. I was surprised. She's not got a rich relationship with Jesus, though of course I wish she did. So I hope she hangs out with us again sometime. This weekend we're going contra dancing!

When I was visiting my friends at college, I got to have a long talk with one of my best friends who I've really not gotten to be in touch with as much as I would have liked. I love her so. And we talked about many things, including my fiance. God is showing me more and more that he's holding me in the relationship. [I edited out some things that were here, because I'm looking at it with the lense of looking back and knowing what God knew was going to happen. So I'll tell you what I was saying here, but in that lense. Eric and I had exchanged marital vows online, not legally, but I meant them. God was showing me I needed to keep my vows, and at the time it was a joy though our relationship was painful. Later, more comes from this.]

And now I'm at my friend Lydia's house. We're going to get training for a job tomorrow together. I'm so excited! It's the "perfect" job... or at least it sounds like it now. It's a non-committment training, though. They can refuse to hire us or we can walk away and there shouldn't be hard feelings on any side. The job won't start until at least January, it might not start for almost a year. It's with a nonprofit and they are looking for grant money. But it is a paid position, and it does good work. It is the kind of job I would be proud of-- not just proud of, but honored to work on. The kind of thing I'd love to do for free (but can't afford to! :) ).

My little dog (whose picture is at the top of this post) is going to miss me. I am spending the night at my friend's house so we can leave at first light, then tomorrow I'm staying in a hotel. The training is a few hours away.

God is so good, he answers prayers. There were all kinds of difficulties with today, but they were worked out. And I just feel so joyous right now. I love Him so!!!!

This post is not poetic or reflective, but at least I touched on the important matters from this week... I think. Now that I've said that I'll probably post this and realize I didn't mention something very important. I suppose it could be worse! :)

Progression and BAM I'm a grown up

I've never been a big quote fan. You know the type, who put something witty by Benjamin Franklin or Eleanore Roosevelt, etc on everything? Who start out a meeting or other formal thing with a quote to make you think?

It's not that I don't like quotes. I read them and reflect on them, if they're worthy, and absorb them into myself. But I also am from the school of thought that you should only quote if you can't express the same thought better yourself, or if it'd be plagiarism to do otherwise. And I loathe plagiarism, I really do.

When I was a kid, I'd make up my quotes... by me. I still actually do that, but not with the same vanity. I write and I'll make up quotes to start off my chapters. In one novel I'm working on (or rather, that I have not scrapped but haven't worked on for a while either) I make up quotes from people who "exist" in this fake reality... actually I had fun once putting up a quote in one book "by" a main character from another book. And in the current novel I actually am working on, I make up poems for the front of each chapter. I admit, though, in a way that's not half as fun as making up quotes.

But of course, I have quotes on this blog from God Calling, the best book I've ever read. I've had a much deeper relationship with God since I read it. I'd say "other than the Bible" but the Bible is in a different category... but God Calling is just as spiritually stimulating as the Bible. And easier to read, at least to me. But the Bible is universal and Holy. And while I do believe that God Calling was inspired directly by God, it's still not scripture. But it is more than "worth a read". If you're a Christian, I think that if you've read the Bible all the way through at least once, this book should be your next reading priority. But make reading the Bible a priority first.

I went to Barnes and Noble that day and prayed in front of the Christian Inspiration section for him to lead me to a book, if there was one he wanted me to read. And the cover of God Calling caught my eye. It had a very pretty picture of two women with wispy veils. I picked it up and started reading the back and an employee walked up and began rearranging the shelf so that only the spine of God Calling faced out. If I had been even thirty seconds later, the cover wouldn't have been exposed to catch my eye. (Just to let you know, I've seen three different bindings for God Calling, and the copy I have now is much plainer, so if you look for it and it doesn't have the women on it, it's probably still the same book). If you know me in real life and want to read it, let me know, and I'll get you a copy. I've bought at least six, though all but one I've either given or lent away, currently. I thought about buying another copy when I was last at B&N, but there was only one on the shelf and I didn't know if it'd be restocked and someone else might have needed it...

I just read the section for today. It speaks of stages that His followers go through. Oh Jesus, thank you so much for this book that helps us progress with you, in you.

You know, I'm ready to have a baby? Not financially or any of that stuff, but emotionally. My friend is having a baby, and I realized that there is no part of me that would think I was unready if my beloved and I (safely wed) had a baby right now. It was a strange, but welcome thought. I've become a grown up.

My love is 30 now. I'm 22. He's 8 years, two months older than me. My parents were 30 (Dad) and 28 (Mom) when I was born, though I wasn't their first. So they were 22 and 20 when he was born. I'm 22 now. I would have been happy, but unready, if I had been a mother at 20. But now, at 22, I know I'm there. Like I said, not financially, but... God provides and honestly, money should not be a concern. Actually, Friday's entry said as part of it "Only seek material gain when that gain will mean a gain for My Kingdom. Get away from money values altogether. Walk with Me. Learn of Me. Talk to Me. Here lies your true happiness". Besotted sigh. I am in love with Jesus.

Yes, thank you God for progression, both in our humanly and our spiritual lives.
Amen.

Hope with a capital H and the Commitment Zone

Since I last wrote, life has been catching up to me. I have social activities now. Again. They were on a hiatus over the summer, I suppose.

I have been working, of course, and I have friends among my coworkers. But I have also been going to Bible study and to a "community" at my church. And hopefully tomorrow I'll actually get to go to my church on a Sunday, oh my oh my. It's a very rare occurrence in my life.

I have been missing Eric lately. My best friend, my fiance, my husband, my dream... He has been missing for over a year now. No idea where in the world he is. I don't like to talk about it, usually, because it gets so awkward. I want to talk about how much I miss him... but not to complain. I don't want a lot of "oh poor yous" or that peppy optimism "I'm sure he's okay!" that you can tell is said that way because the person isn't sure at all. I am sure though. I am sure he's okay. I'm not sure if he's alive or dead. But I'm sure he's okay.

But lately I've just been missing him so much. I asked for prayers at Bible study and started crying. I started intently at the coffee table, to try to prevent them from seeing my tears. I shouldn't feel that way. I shouldn't feel like I can't express myself in front of them. But I really feel uncomfortable crying in front of anyone.

I know God has him. I know he's fine, where ever he is. And I Hope, with a capital H, that I'll see him. This whole experience has taught me about Hope. I used to think of it as wishful thinking. But now I realize it's much stronger than that. I have Hope. It's different than faith, though related. It's so strong. I can't really explain it. But I realize now that it's not just wishing for the best, or trying to temper down pessimism, or even just praying for something. To Hope for something with a capital H is not human. It's from God. Humans can do it, but it's not a normal part of our everyday lives. Though it probably should be. People think I'm putting on a brave face when I talk about my darling... but I'm not. I try not to cry, it's true. But other than that, when I sound matter of fact... I am. Now, a lot of the times I feel awkward about talking about it. And that comes through. But even though he's been gone nearly a year and four months and I've no word from him and the only contact in his family I had has let their email expire so I don't even have that lifeline... even so, I'm not... despairing. Not in the slightest. I miss him. I miss him so much. Every moment of everyday. I won't even think he's in my mind, I'll be thinking about something else entirely and suddenly his name pops up. Or I'll be humming or something and I'll say inexplicitly "I miss him". No, there's not a day or moment that goes by without the ache of missing him. But that's what it is; an ache. It's not a sharp pain. It's not unbearable. It's not that I don't love him utterly, completely... in fact it's because I love him utterly and completely, that it's not loneliness that is able to affect me but instead longing for one specific man out of the billions. Well, and more importantly, that God is giving me strength.

I wasn't like this. But God put me in the "commitment zone". About a month after I last talked to him, I thought I'd talk to him soon... but I was suddenly more committed than ever. I had wanted to be committed before that, but doubts and worries and such would weaken it. And over time of no contact, it would degrade so I'd be a mess between his absences (absences have always been a part of our relationship as he had his current job before we met-- but this is by far the longest one). But God knew that this absence would be longer, so he put me in the zone so I could last it. And I can.

Deep down I know, with no doubts, that even if I don't talk to him for ten more years, I'll still be able to wait. It will be with lots of tears, but it will still happen. At the same time, if he came back online now, that would be wonderful! I want him every moment... but I know I can wait for him. True love waits and all that.

God's time is not normal mortals time... but at the same time, eternal life is given unto those who believe in Jesus. That might sound hokey, but it's so powerful. I struggle with it, like anyone, but in this instance I think I'm tapping into that eternalness. Eternal life is given NOW, not given after death. Our eternal life starts before then. So though the saying "man's time is not God's time" is very true... I have ceased to be a common "man" (female though I be) and instead am a new creation. Eternal life is mine to claim now. I don't know how to wield it... but I think this Hope and commitment zone comes with knowing that time is different now.

Thank you God, for his absence. It's not easy, and is painful in many ways, but this crucible you have put me in, and which I Hope he is still in (but if not then thank you for taking him into your embrace) will only make us better. Better for you and better for each other. I know already that I will be a better wife to him than I was before because of this experience. So thank you, as I want to (but fail miserably) to thank you for all things. Amen.

Sunlit Glades and Absorbing Beauty

Okay, so it was a curb, on the side of a parking lot... not a sunlit glade. But it was sunlit!

I am at peace and it's marvelous, marvelous. Not everyday is like this, but how I hope it will be!

Last night, after the dream incident, my friend, Tabitha, and I went out and discussed our lives. We sat by a pond, eating fast food on a picnic table. Two young men walked by and asked us directions, which we couldn't provide. Then one asked our ages. I truthfully told him we were both twenty-two. Then, at my friend's whispered urges, I added she was married and I was engaged. This was also true. But we cracked up when we overheard him whisper to his friend "They're lying!"

It was so strange to reflect on that though. I am twenty-two, employed, engaged... she is the same, except married of course, not engaged. But she's a newlywed.

We grew up. When?

Tabitha's Wedding. (I'm the arms holding flowers to the side.)

Last night was wonderful though. There was an intimacy in our friendship. She was having an awful day... but I was really able to connect and help her. When we embraced and said goodbye... I just love her, she's like a relative, a sister or close cousin, to me.

Then today at work, I did well. When lunch came around, I was joyous. And I went outside to absorb beauty.

There is a thin woods behind my office building, and I sat and gazed into the woods and at the lariapea (sp?) and just... absorbed. A crow cawed and for perhaps the first time in my life, I heard the beauty in that noise.

I look forward to work tomorrow. My friend and I have decided to take lunch together. And then that evening I hope to see friends, no, family, that I have not seen in a long time. My heart dances at the thought.

Right Where I'm Supposed To Be

I feel anewed.

I don't think that's a verb, but I feel it is.

I suppose I could use "renewed"... but it doesn't capture it quite right. I feel very free about expressing myself this way. The English language is a friend and a love of mine. It's playful, adjusting, and energetic.

Yesterday, I had confirmation.

My friend began working with me. I have only been at this job for a week and a half, but I was hired because they needed more people, and apparently the old newbies and I weren't enough, so they hired a few more. I recommended my friend and she got the job. So after work we decided to go to a store or two and eat dinner. Before we left the office, we were waiting for someone briefly. And my friend began talking about possibly getting her hair cut. I was telling her no, and suddenly realized I still had a pen in my hair. I remarked on it and as I did, I trailed off...

A memory hit me. Sometimes they do that. So fuzzy and bizarre, not the etched memories... and I told my friend "Do you remember when I told you, months ago, that I had a dream, or a memory, about us talking outside an office and I took a pen out of my hair? And it was so real I'd asked you if it was a memory then?" If I remember correctly now, I think her phone call had just woken me up and I was muttering this sleepily as I regained consciousness...

And she remembered. With a strange look she said "You did say something like that..."

"That was this moment."

Confirmation. That has happened before, but never with a witness like that. It was amazing.

And I knew, as I know, that it was confirmation. That I had been confirmed that I am indeed right where I'm supposed to be.