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Thursday, February 5, 2009

The Greasy Filth of the World

So this is my first post of 2009. It's not that I haven't thought about posting, it's just I haven't thought about it when I've actually been online.

I'm restless. I'm hating going to work, though I don't necessarily really hate work. I've been sick a lot lately, and so have my mom and my best friend/coworker and it's just... throwing me off. Plus, we're on a new phase of what we're currently working on and I'm not being successful at all... but part of me feels I'm not being successful because I'm feeling this PULL, or maybe it's more like... this disconnect?

I feel like it's time to move on. I'm trying to decide if that's me, or if it's a God given/driven thing. And is this move on from this job or from this lifestyle? I find myself daydreaming and actually plotting to become a wanderer, a vagabond. Someone was telling me how this place was always unlocked and it creeped them out that maybe homeless people took shelter there and I filed away the information in case I ever needed it.

Of course, I don't understand that attitude. I feel like I'm wading through this filth everyday no one else seems to notice-- and I'm not talking about homeless people. It's the world. And it's ALL OVER ME. It's greasy and I can't seem to wash it off because I'm wading up to my hips and there is no clean water... except Jesus, of course. But even when I"m trying to take Jesus showers, it's still up to my hips and I'm just aching to find an island or a big rock to climb on.
And NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO NOTICE.

I am longing for a new cellphone and I hate myself for it. Oh, I have a hundred justifications for it, but it's just one more material thing. I hate clothes, you know that? Not actually hate wearing them or even looking nice, but how many people seem to think you need. People despair of me because I have a comparatively small wardrobe compared to pretty much everyone I know-- but all I see is the excess. I mean, I like wearing nice stuff, but then I think of the bible when Jesus sent out the 72 telling them not to bring a second cloak. And I think of the Biblical law about borrowing someone's cloak-- that you had to return it by evening so they could sleep in it. Seriously, if you didn't, they didn't have a blanket. And here I am with dozens of shirts, like five pants, five skirts, five dresses... and all the time people are trying to give me more. Believe me, it's enough! I really feel I should just consolidate down to maybe three outfits... seven at most.

But the problem is, that's not professional.

I hate professional.

But how worn my clothes will be when I wear them that often, over and over. I don't care, at all, but they would...

It's so cold, so bitterly cold. If I was a vagabond, I'd be so cold all the time cold. I hate the cold.

Plus, I have my little dog. I love her so. She'd have to come with me, of course.
I don't know. But I do know that I feel smothered sometimes. But othertimes, I just LOVE it. I have a laptop now I got for Christmas, and I adore it. I have all these accessories. I have all these hats and scarves that I adore. All my crafting and art supplies. Things I love.

So many THINGS I love.

But I really don't have many people in my life. There are my parents, and my best friend, and that's about it. I work in an office all alone. The first half of the day I have an officemate, but she's not very chatty. She's very nice, but just not... I don't know. As social as me. And I don't press her to be. Or anyone else at the office.

But it means that sometimes I feel like crying for people. I play the Sims a lot and they have as one of their needs "social" as well as things like "hunger" "bladder" "fun".

My social meter is not just low, it's been low for months. And I'm a people person. But I've gotten so it's hard to open up to people. I'm like disappearing into myself or something.

I don't know.

Something will happen.

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