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Monday, June 15, 2009

The Aftershock

It really does feel like my soul is being torn into jagged pieces. I am so moody, and nauseous from grief. I'm broken.

But I do know that when we are weak, God is strong and I am truly taken comfort in that.
It has been a while since I've posted, but considering the circumstances, I don't feel like filling you in on the last four months, but instead talking about the past couple days.

I found out about him on Friday. I was in shock for a while, sobbed, then... I don't know. I ended up going out with a friend of mine and did nothing, really. But it was so much better than being at home, so I am grateful. We mainly just walked around Spartanburg on foot until our feet hurt too much, then went to Papa's Breakfast Nook. Then we got clay at Walmart, went back to her house... but didn't sculpt anything. I went home as the sun was just starting to break the horizon. To the east there was a mildly colorful glow, but straight above you could still stars. I've never been outside at that particular moment before.

I slept until noon or so, then got up. We went out and didn't get to the library before it closed, went to the thrift store to buy books... I needed a book to disappear into, I can't face life. But there really weren't any. I got one childrens book and one book with a story about medieval Scotland I've not managed to get into. I made the mistake when I got home of having a drink. Just one, but the last thing I needed to do was lower my inhibitions. I was angry, surly, and sobbing. It didn't last long though, since it was just one drink. The inhibitions were the only thing keeping me from losing it.

I had written an announcing note on facebook, which I'm copying below, with a few edits:

My fiance, Eric, is dead.
I found out yesterday. He died in Pakistan.
This post responds to his death. That one is coming. I'm writing it, taking my time.
I am not great. I will survive. He survived, before. His fiancee died when he was about my age. He nearly gave up on life. I won't do that.
I still don't believe he is dead. I can feel my subconscious processing it, and it's eating me alive. I feel like my soul is being torn.
But my hope is in God, and while I am in no happy state, he is strong when we are weak, right? This song has been my favorite for about a month and while I loved the lyrics, I wasn't suffering so they weren't so poignant. Now I am, and I'd like to share them with you:
You would think only so much can go wrong
Calamity only strikes once
And you assume that this one has suffered her share
Life will be kinder from here
Sometimes the sun stays hidden for years
Sometimes the sky rains night after night
When will it clear
But our hope endures the worst of conditions
It's more than our optimism
Let the earth quake
Our hope is unchanged
How do we comprehend peace within pain
Our joy at a good man's wake
Walk a mile with a woman whose body is torn
With illness but she marches on
Sometimes the sun stays hidden for years
Sometimes the sky rains night after night
When will it clear
But our hope endures the worst of conditions
It's more than our optimism
Let the earth quake
Our hope is unchanged
Emanuel, God is with us
El Shaddai, all sufficient
Emanuel, God is with us
El Shaddai, all sufficient
Emanuel, God is with us
El Shaddai, all sufficient
We never walk alone
This is our hope
Our hope endures, the worst of conditions
It's more than our optimism
let the earth quake
let the earth quake
let the earth quake
Our hope is unchanged
"Our Hope Endures" by Natalie Grant
And so does mine. My hope endures, and so shall I. Prayers are welcome. For HIM. My second biggest pain, after the keen loss, is that the only one I know who knows and loves him is God. I know you guys love me, but if you love me: love him. Don't just hurt because you know I'm hurting. Hurt because the world has lost the most incredible man who ever lived.
I am in pain and I do wish it would stop... but I am so much better off feeling pain at his loss than if I had never known him. Infinitely better. He is most amazing man who ever lived. And he loved me. How many women can say that? Truly, I am blessed. Not the most blissfully happy woman but, I have had far more than most.


That's where the post ended. I tagged people, using up all the limits I could, to draw people's attention to it. I thought to tag one person, but he was a friend I met at a young adult retreat two years ago. I haven't really talked to him in a year. But then later, I wasn't surprised at all when he IMed me to express his condolences, even though I hadn't ended up tagging him. He'd seen it anyway. He caught me in a better moment and we had a long mainly theological talk. Part of the way through I asked him "What do you think of human nature?" and he asked me if I meant did he think people were essentially good, you know, philosophy class stuff. But no, I meant in a Christian sense. He asked me to elaborate and I said that even Christians seem to excuse behavior as "just human nature" and he quickly understood what I meant and jumped in and said "excusing sinful nature by calling it human nature?" and that's just what I meant. I referred to Romans 7: 5For when we were controlled by the sinful nature,[a] the sinful passions aroused by the law were at work in our bodies, so that we bore fruit for death. 6But now, by dying to what once bound us, we have been released from the law so that we serve in the new way of the Spirit, and not in the old way of the written code.

And from there we twisted through subjects, getting into politics among other things. Then this friend revealed to me that while he's a Christian and wants to follow Christian morals, when there's a question between them and the US Constitution he picked the constitution and did I think that was bad? And I told him honestly, yes. That the constitution, as great as it is, was written by man. And the worst man can do to you is take your life, the lives of those you love, and everything you own. But you're going to die, so is everyone you know, and you can't take anything with you. So ultimately man can't do anything to you that won't already happen. And there was a pause.

Then he said "can I be brutally honest?" and I said of course. And then he said that while he knew that to be true, it scared the crap out of him. And I smiled and posted that I understood. But guess what? That's human nature.

It was amazing, oh readers if you exist. God was speaking through me. We'd been meandering through a conversation, and yet HE brought it full circle. At that point, we said goodbyes and went to bed. But I knew God had spoken through me to him, had used me as his vessel. It is true that when we are weak He is strong! Before I left facebook I changed my status to: God is beautiful. Like a breathtaking thunderhead, He really shows us the beauty in the most destructive storms. Praise Him, the entire universe, praise the God who gives and takes away!

Today I went out with Tabitha. We ate lunch, which was good. Then we got to the library, and unfortunately they didn't really have the books I wanted, but I got a few. We went shopping at Target because my friend needed some things and there I felt myself slip more into a valley. That's when the nausea from grief began. We went to Hatcher Gardens after that, looked at a book of names I'd gotten from the library trying to come up with names for my kitten. That actually made me laugh really hard. Then I came home. I hadn't eaten dinner, and I still haven't now that I think about it. I'm not really hungry though. I had an evening at home with my parents... and now I'm on here.

I'm a broken woman, a different woman. But I know that it's times like this that God is glorified through us, and that's what I want more than anything.

1 comment:

  1. I was also shocked to read it but our GOD is awesome GOD. God have refined and I think he is still in process in making you more and more like him. May God bless you even more....

    ReplyDelete

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