So several entries ago, The Aftershock, was about the weekend immediately after finding out about my fiance's death. But, as you might imagine, life after a crisis is always more than you might think.
On that Sunday night I had to take a Xanex because my stress level had gotten so bad I was hyperventilating and couldn't stop. Then I was surfing the web looking up anything I could find on my fiance. I stayed up until dawn, when I was shaking like I had hyperthermia. I went to sleep, having nightmares and kept waking up. I actually got out of bed the next afternoon. I talked to a friend about everything. She is a grad student in Kansas and absolutely the best comforter amongst my friends. She really helped me get through stuff.
I'm not sure if was Tuesday or what but a local friend of mine is going to Missouri soon and she said she felt it was important to encourage me to come. Not to stay with her, she's going to work there, but to find something to do there and tag along on the roadtrip. I began to realize I really, really need to get away. With being unemployed and pretty much feeling like a failure, it's especially important.
The idea wasn't a completely new one.
I have recently fallen in love with cob houses. I'd read an article in Root magazine from last year's Earth Day issue this April. It was among my stuff from college. It's by a Spartanburg professor and it's about cob houses. Cob is a building material made from straw, clay, and sand. It's sort of like adobe, only you sort of sculpt the house as you go and the walls become one cohesive unit, not bricks. It's very neat and if you think so you should probably google it. Anyway, I had fallen in love with the method and maybe someday when I have the money to (it's inexpensive but does require some money) I'll build a cob house. But during the frenzied beginning of my obsession, I'd found a eco-commune in Missouri that has a work exchange program. You help them with labor, like making a cob house, and they feed and house you for the time you're there. I emailed them about it, then mentioned it to my friend, seeing if I could ride to Missouri with her and back. She told me I could totally come, but I'd have to find my own way back because she's meeting up with family in Austin, TX for a while on the way home. Then I was emailed back by the commune telling me they'd already gotten someone to come help them sorry.
I put it out of my mind mostly, but my friend hadn't. She's always trying to encourage me to get out. I do feel trapped here in the country sans car. Anyway, she has been praying about all that and she started feeling that she should encourage me to come to Missouri. I have an aunt and uncle who just moved to Kansas City, MO. My two grown cousins also live out there. They're involved in a ministry there, and have been for years. That's why my aunt and uncle, who lived in NJ until recently, decided to move there. My aunt always invites me to come visit them everytime we talk, and so when my friend mentioned going to Missouri, I thought maybe I should take my aunt up on it. But then after my fiance's death, I really felt that I should.
I mentioned this to my friend, and she prayed for God to show me the way to get back. I was praying too, but I have just felt very off lately. But I do think God is wanting me to go to Missouri. For example, when I was talking to my aunt and trying to figure out how to bring the possible trip up, she suddenly said "You know you're always welcome if you want to come see us".
Anyway, if I'm going, I'm going on Thursday. I don't know yet! It's technically Monday now and I don't know! I don't have any money. I don't have a way back. We'll see! But I think it's going to happen. There have been some issues, but again, I feel that that's another entry. Right now I've just got to pray and be open to God's Plan. I kind of feel like that Plan is kicking my butt right now, but I know it's all ultimately for good. I don't just believe this, I know it.
Please, God, let me go.