Monday, June 22, 2009

Writing This Made Me Cry

So this is about the possible trip to Kansas City. I have a way. I have a place to stay. I don't have a way back yet. And I don't know how long, which is the real issue.

I really want to get out of my day to day. Not just a vacation though, but to really experience a different type of life, you know? I need to step out of the rut I'm in, so when I get back I won't fall back in. I just feel that's important. To that end, I want to go for three or four weeks.

I figured my parents would be okay with it. I'm staying with family (my father's sister) and they of course know about my fiance's death and I assumed they'd understand a need to get away. They were sort of okay with it. But then I mentioned I was thinking three or four weeks and my mother freaked out.

Why is she objecting? Apparently my father asked for his vacation time the week after the fourth of July. I'd be leaving for Missouri June 25th, so if I only go for two weeks I'd be back. And she was counting on me being their pet sitter while they go visit family in NJ.

First, I had no idea when his vacation was I just knew it was "sometime in July". Secondly, she never asked me. Third, since last year I had to stay home when they went to NJ to petsit I figured they would take me with them this year. I never agreed to do it this year, didn't even realize they were counting on it, but she is FURIOUS at the idea that I won't be here.

Mom says isn't two weeks enough? But I just don't think it will be! Maybe... but I don't think so. Dad says if I need time to reflect, having the house to myself while they're on vacation would be great. But that's not it at ALL.

The last thing I want is to be in this house by myself. It feels like I'm always in this house by myself. Or unconsciously insulting someone.

I can see Mom and Dad's side. I completely understand it and just wish they understood, or even tried to understand mine. They have no idea what PAIN (I've cried a lot) the pointing out I'm a burden caused. They have no idea how I'm feeling but if I tried to explain Mom would just say "I can't deal with this now!" because that's what she ALWAYS says. And if any emotion creeps into my voice, Dad will find something else to do right away.

Earlier we were talking about television and Mom said "but you had cable" talking about when I was at college. We recently got satellite for the first time, but before that we'd only had network. And I said that I never really watched much TV at school, that actually I remember being surprised about that freshman year until I came home for a while and realized why I watched so much TV at home. There was nothing to do. And Mom looks at Dad and says "see how she always has to put in those zingers?" like they were continuing some conversation they'd had when I wasn't there. And I protested. Yes, it sort of is a zinger, but it was also just the truth. I did think that when I came home freshman year. And I wasn't trying to say it to hurt anyone's feelings, but to express my own. But they weren't even listening.

Also just a few minutes ago, Mom came in from the porch, where Mom and Dad smoke (they both do, I don't) and also where the kittens live, and she reminded me to put the kittens up tonight. We put them in a kennel overnight so they're not left untended long enough to decide to get out and maybe get themselves killed. Forty-five minutes later, Dad comes in from his smoke break and says "You should put the kittens up". Every single night they come in from being on the porch to tell me that the kittens need to be put up NOW. In a perfectly normal tone and not at ALL meaning to have an attitude I logically, and not trying to start ANYTHING, asked why they didn't put them up if they thought about it. I mean, they're sitting there on the porch looking at the kittens and thinking "they should be put up" and then they come inside and tell me to do it. It takes just a second: pick up the two kittens, put them in kennel, close doors. Thirty seconds, max.

I really wasn't trying to complain! I simply thought it'd be easier for everyone if they did it when they thought about it because what happens is they tell me when I'm doing something, like blogging, and I have every intention of doing it but what if I lose myself in writing and forget?

But Dad freaked out and started yelling at me that they should just get rid of the kittens, that they are mine anyway.

Well, that's not true. Dad was actually the one who first said we should feed their mother, for one thing. Secondly, Mom loves them just as much as I do. And while the cream colored one, Devlin, is sort of mine, the other one is not. If when I move out I go somewhere where I can have two animals, I'll take Devlin with me. Otherwise, he's living with Mom and Dad for life and they know this and agreed with it.

But the fact that he had such an unprovoked outburst over this issue shows that he is NOT happy with me.

Living here, I am being tempted and sinning night and day. I envy anyone who lives where they can see people, even if it's just people walking down the street. There are no sidewalks and everyone has acreage and only leave their yards in cars. You never do more than wave to neighbors, and only that once a month maybe. I covet people with jobs and money, but at the same time I hate money, capitalism, and the whole system of our society. I complain far more than I'd like. The whole thing makes me angry, and I'm also afraid of being a burden. And that's on top of other issues I have.

I NEED TO GET OUT! I feel like I'm being destroyed. But if I try to tell Mom and Dad, try to make them understand, all they'll hear is "You are destroying me". Which isn't the case at ALL.

Most of what's wrong, I think, is lack of social interaction. I get out for a day or an evening and I feel like a human again. Then I come home and fall back into the gaping rut I'm in.

I'm both intraverted and extraverted. I've taken many versions of Myers Briggs, including an official one, but on some I'm one and on some another. And never a very high percentage of either one. Being intraverted means you get your energy from being alone. Being extraverted means you get your energy from being with people. I'm both. I need to have a balance, but pretty much since I graduated college I've been alone. Even when I was working, I was much better off but I didn't really socialize at work. Since I stopped, I get out of the house like twice or maybe three times a week. And two of those are going to the grocery store or something non-social like that. I talk on the phone, but everyone else but me has a life, so I don't have a lot of people to talk to. I get to Bible study maybe twice a month, and church less. I go out with one of my friends like three times a month, the friend I go to the walking trail with. If I didn't have her, I would have lost my freaking mind by now.

I'm just so STUCK right now. I love my parents. They are wonderful people. But my fiance just died and I feel like a failure and I just feel TRAPPED.

I love Eric, so very very much, but besides just getting over the unbelievable fact that I'll never talk to him again (which I'm still denial about) he was my stereotypical knight, coming to rescue me. I know that's so horrible, so not PC. I don't care. It was true.

In today's society to not be poor you're either a career woman or you're part of a two income household. You can't make it alone anymore, unless you're born rich or you are a devoted career person. And I'm so totally not.

I'm not saying I wanted to be a kept woman. Just a housewife, who homeschools her children while raising chickens for eggs, having a vegetable garden, writing, and making things like jewelry, chess sets, and furniture I can sell on the side. It's not that I don't want to work. It's that I don't want a job, and I don't want the unbelievable pressure of having to be the provider. I'm not a gold digger. I just wanted a husband who made enough to house us and feed us ramen noodles. What I made would be supplemental income. If we needed me to work to get by, we would, but it wouldn't just be me, you know? And even if I had to work a full time normal job, I wouldn't be alone. I'd have his support and love.

But now he's dead and any dreams I have are not ever coming true.

I hate this provide for yourself thing, but I don't want to be a burden. It's my biggest fear!
Which is so sinful (fear at all, it's a sin) and probably why God is making me be one right now. Humility and all that. I used to watch Dr. Phil when I was a sophomore in college and freak OUT during his moocher episodes. He brings these people, usually guys, who are like 26 and living at home with no job who have their parents do all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc and has the parents kick them out and tell them to grow up. And I could so see me being one those people and it freaked me out. Now, we're talking long before I graduated. My mom watched one of these with me and I explained my fear and she soothed me. She said the fact that I was so freaked out at the idea of being a moocher meant it just wasn't going to happen.

But it has!

And Dad strummed some major nerves. He said that since they're paying my bills and I don't have any money to go away with, then it was selfish of me to expect other people to take care of me. He implied both that I was horrible for even thinking about not being their pet sitter and also that I was being unfair and mean to my aunt asking her to take the burden of putting me for longer. I felt like crying right there. He'd called me on the porch to talk about the trip. He was doing it in his "put your foot down" voice, about me only going away for two weeks. While I was trying to figure out how to react, the animals made a strange noise and I ran inside, checking it out. I didn't go back out.

What does my aunt say about how long I should say?

I had facebooked her asking if the dates I'd be arriving were good, could someone meet me between where my friend is working in MO and Kansas City, could my friend visit us some weekend, and how long she thought I should stay. She facebooked me back saying it'd was good, my uncle would meet us, my friend was welcome to visit, I can stay as long as I need, and that I should call Sunday night.

I made the mistake of mentioning this note to Mom that and so the planned phone call became about ironing out how long I'd be staying instead of just discussing the trip in general. And as of such, my stress level in thinking about it jumped. I genuinely forgot to call. But I actually remembered in time to maybe call her (at about 11:30, and she said before it was ok to call late) but I didn't want to. I HATE calling people. I hate it. I'm only comfortable doing it when it's someone I talk to often. My aunt doesn't fit in that. She's still my family and I love her, but I've got all sorts of doubts now, caused by my parents.

My parents don't like to host people. Now, that doesn't mean they don't love to have guests. What it means is, it's a HUGE DEAL to have someone over. The planning for a visit starts months in advance usually, and at least the two weeks before we have a houseguest it's walking on eggshells in my house. During, my mom is a wreck that everything won't be perfect. So by the time they go, while they enjoyed seeing the friend or family member, they're wiped from stress. That's why it's not worth it to them to have houseguests more than twice a year... and actually I don't think it even happens that often!

So in Mom and Dad's eyes, I'm asking a HUGE burden of my aunt. And maybe I am. My dad knows my aunt better than I do. Like I said, we don't talk often. But she always extends invitations, and she said I can stay as long as I need to! Maybe she's just being polite, or making an obligatory gesture, but I don't think so. After all, she's from NJ. lol. People from New Jersey tend to be honest and blunt.

And they've been really supportive when they heard about my fiance's death. We've been chatting on facebook lately. Plus, they're the most Christian branch of my family. Of course, that could mean she's offering hospitality out of a sense of Christian duty... but I don't think so. Or if it is, it's a joyful duty, I think.

Mom and Dad are Christians, but Dad goes to church once a year if you drag him and expresses no other interest in fellowship, except privately with Mom sometimes. I grew up without fellowship, discovering it in college, and it is essential to a healthy Christian life. Mom only has it through me, Dad, and occasionally she goes to church but she doesn't build much of relationships there. One sister says she's a Christian but doesn't got to church and married a nonbeliever without even considering being unequally yoked. My younger sister is an atheist. I know my grandparents believe, and so does at least two my mom's sisters. I don't think my dad's brother does...

But the aunt I'd be staying with, dad's sister, is married to a preacher. Like I said, both of my cousins are involved in a ministry in Kansas City. And apparently the grandson that just graduated high school wants to be a youth pastor. But even though I know they're my "Christian side of the family" I don't really know them. So I really love the idea of getting to connect with them that way, to get to connect with blood family who are also strongly my family in Christ. Mom and I have had some good Christian moments, but that's all I've really had. I'm really looking forward to getting to know them better.

I suppose I could get to know them better in just two weeks. Maybe two weeks would do. But I don't think two weeks of new experience and fellowship followed by one week of the same old and isolation will work! I just don't. Maybe I'll have a blissful moment and coming home to being alone will be refreshing, time to plug into God without distraction. I can hope, but while that IS a possiblity, I think it's a small one. I feel too fragile right now. I just think any good done will be undone.

And I don't want to "dishonor" my mother and father. Though I realized long ago that "honor" and "obey" are seperate. Now, children are required to obey, but I'm not a child anymore or the fact that I'm not self sufficient wouldn't even be an issue.

But I also have to live with them! And I don't want to make them upset, or make it so they can't go on a vacation. To Mom, either I cut my trip short or they don't get a vacation at all. And that's just asking too much of them (as she sees it). I think that'd be asking a lot too, but I suggested hiring a professional pet sitter, but Mom freaked out even MORE, if you can believe it.

I didn't know, but when I was a child, a neighbor of ours who we asked to pet sit not only poked around our house, but also brought others into our house to show them it without our permission. This has scarred Mom against pet sitters. I pointed out that while that was horrible, she should hire a REPUTABLE, PROFESSIONAL pet sitter, not just ask a neighbor. But she just got very angry and said never and stormed off.

And we can't afford to kennel all the animals. We have nine: two dogs, five cats, and two goats. Even if we asked a neighbor to feed the goats (wouldn't require giving a key to the house), seven animals would be too expensive a kenneling fee. And Mallory and the kittens haven't been the vet yet at all, having to be locked in a little cage at a facility would be way too traumatizing. I love our animals. They are the absolutely best thing about living here.

Sigh. I'm not sure. I feel angry and trapped.

Of course, maybe I'm not meant to go. I still I don't have a way back yet. But deep down, I know that's not the issue.

I wish I could talk to them without them hearing insults. But I can't. And I wish I could feel strong enough to face what they want me to (the petsitting) but I don't...

GOD, HELP ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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