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Monday, July 6, 2009

4 AM blogging...

It can be dangerous.

I'm sitting at the kitchen table in my aunt and uncle's house. I am tired and after this I will go to bed, but obviously I'm not exhausted or I'd not be up.

Kirk stopped by earlier. We said like ten words to each other. But I just didn't feel the need to talk. Still, I hope we get more chances to connect. I've hung out with Matthias quite a bit, but this is the first time I've seen Kirk since the Guild meeting.

To change the subject...

My God is my everything. Nothing can be beyond Him in my eyes.

Still, that doesn't mean I don't long for a man. Not in the same way as I used to, but still...

It had been a long time since I'd talked to my fiance. Had he come back, I have no doubt that I would have been able to take off with that fiery love having only grown since last we talked. But since he didn't, after much wailing, I'm finding it not that hard to move on. That might sound callous, but it's not. I still hurt. I still love him. How can I not? But I've known for a long, long time he may never come back, and so I suppose I was preparing part of my heart for it, while I was letting the rest just Hope. And so part of my heart was able to edify the rest.

Am I saying I'm in a healthy mood to start a new relationship? No, not necessarily. But I also don't feel I'm unhealthy either. If I meet a guy, one who earnestly loves the Lord with all of him, and there is interest, then I wouldn't be adverse to more.

I want to be a mother and wife.

But at the same time, through spiritual warfare, God is showing me for the first time I don't have to be one that "burns". Before, I felt guilty, in an irrational way, for not marrying at age 15 or something because I burned with lust so! And didn't Paul say it was better to marry than burn? But now God is conquering that, showing me the cause (demonic lust) and stamping it out. Which is totally amazing.

And so now I've got to wonder if God is calling me to a life in marriage or celibacy? Both are legitimate. Paul declares celibacy to be better. And I yearn for my Lord so! What if by marrying I spiritually can't get as close to God? That may sound silly, but the Lord says He rewards us for that which we give up in His name. If I give up having a husband in His name, will the Holy Marriage of the Bridegroom and His Bride be that much more intense for me than it would for Christians who married? It would make sense. But then again, that union is the Holy union that it's all about. Maybe other Christians seek mansions, nations to rule, golden streets, but I just want God. The other stuff it great, but they're the reason I chose the narrow path. My reward is Him, solely. If He decides to give me more than just Himself, alleluia, but if not, then alleluia anyway! As long as I have Him...

And since I have that kind of relationship with the Lord, I need a man who does as well. And let's face it, Christian men are so attractive to Christian women the closer they draw to the Lord the chances of me finding one that is free and wants me seem slim. lol.

Anyway, this is 4 am blogging at its best... lol...

1 comment:

Thanks so much for comments, they delight me! Please keep your comments civil and while I read every comment, I reserve the right to delete ones that are especially negative. Thanks!

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