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Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Crisp Fall Air.

I enjoy having a blog, though I admit not as much as I used to. I liked being entirely anonymous because then I can just send my thoughts out into cyberspace and not have to worry about a friend reading them and reading too much into them. Unfortunately and fortunately though I have some friends who actually read this now. It's unfortunate because I find myself thinking "Oh, will she think I'm trying to say X?" or whatever. I preferred not to have to worry about fall out.

But at the same time, my past attempts to keep a blog regularly have all failed, with the exception of this one. Oh, I kept a blog on livejournal for two years in high school, but I only posted like once every two to three months. My rate of regularity is much better with this one. This is my third for September, and that's a slow month for this blog.

It's so beautifully fall today! The leaves haven't really turned so much, but it's been getting pretty chilly so I'm pretty certain there will be some more color dramatically in the next week. I'm thinking about scraping up an old canvas from my high school supplies and getting out my oils and going out and painting. To be honest though, I'm not sure I want to paint a landscape.

Actually, I want to go to Barnett Park and paint a portrait. Why Barnett Park? Why a portrait? Couldn't tell you. But it's the urge. But my parents and the friend I go walking with are pretty much my only rides available and my mom is sick and even if she was well she and my dad aren't really that frivolous to drive me all that way just to paint. And while Tabitha will take me walking or something and that's great, she's not artsy. She's not into random silliness or Godly dorkiness either, like breaking out in song downtown or attending three church services on the same morning for fun.

Sigh. It's really too bad.

Lydia is moving. Not until January, but I'm going to miss her horribly. She is totally into silliness and Godly dorkiness. She called me all excited saying we have to drive to Greenville next week because a Christian speaker who is key in the new monasticism movement is speaking at Furman. I love her! She's one of a kind. Still, I only see her like once a week or less normally, though I hope to up that to make up for the fact I probably won't see her for two years and who knows if even after that? Two years is a long time away for me. In fact, I don't know what will happen between now and Christmas!

My friend who I go walking with was just made a horrible offer. She's married, and has been having marital problems, and an ex boyfriend of hers offered to move her to another state, pay for her rent, her food, and send her to college for free. All she has to do is leave her husband. Ugghhh. It was horrible! It might not sound so horrible, but when I heard her tell me about it the creep factor was written all over it. He sounds like the kind of guy who likes the control, you know? He was telling her they didn't have to be a relationship "but if it happens", you know? Sigh, she'd feel obligated and... there'd be so many strings attached. And she totally said no, and the guy took the offer off the table. But she was tempted and she was telling me "what if my marriage falls apart in two months and I could have gone back to school?" She tried to go back this fall but her health isn't so good, she got sick and missed two weeks of work and couldn't come up with the money. She was already enrolled and everything. She desperately wants to go back. She completed the first semester of her freshman year like three years back, I think? She got almost through the second and got sick back then too, kidney stones, and missed too much class and was kicked out. Of course, it was a blessing in disguise because what she majored in then is not what she wanted to major in now, so... Still.

But there are sooo many strings attached, even if they're invisible, in that offer that ex made to her. And then we were talking about my love life (which doesn't exist, if you're curious, except in the dream phase, but the dream phase is fun) and I was talking about how I have no career ambitions. I don't. And how I want to have kids and homeschool them and want to be a stay at home homeschooling mom. I don't mind working until then, but it's not like it'd be advantageous to start a career and then leave it, you know? I'd be gone for eighteen or more years. And she said "So basically you want some guy to make you the same offer [her ex] made me?" and I told her absolutely not, for one I'd never live with a guy before marriage. So she said you want him to make the same offer except you want him to marry you.

It's not true, but I could see how it sounded that way to her. But I don't want things just to be handed to me. I really don't. I just don't know what to work at to get what I'd want to work for. Does that make any sense? Anyway, if I was a housewife with no job, I'd feel totally obligated to take on 100% of the housework. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or not. I could do it, but I wouldn't enjoy it. That's if I didn't have kids. If I have kids, I think that'd be full time job enough my husband would be responsible for at least part of the housework, like maybe dishes and a couple of loads a laundry a week or something small but significantly helpful like that.

I hate that I feel like I'm selfish and have to justify myself if I'm okay with the housewife role.
Of course this is assuming I have a normal life, which, I admit, it unlikely. I'm just not the "normal life" type. But still, if I have one, I'd rather have the housewife "normal" life than the career woman "normal" life any day of the week.

When I said the love life was nonexistant I mean there's nothing going on. I didn't mean there wasn't any potential. I really don't want a long distance relationship, having only had them all my life, but I don't know how to meet guys in real life. I mean, Christian guys who are utterly in love with God, believe in interdenominationalism and unification of the entire Body, the right age range, not married (big one!), has a good personality and who I'm attracted to. If there are any around here, there are probably like only three and what are the chances I'll meet them when I pretty much go nowhere? So I'm online again. I actually found a really great Christian singles site that actually seems to be filled with guys who adore Christ, not just attend church. And two, thus far, are interested in me... but both are pretty far away. And I really don't want a long distance relationship. I'd be cool with being able to talk pretty much daily and seeing each other only once a month. But less than that? One is in California and the other is in (drum roll) Israel. Seriously. How much farther could you get?

Still, both like to travel. So who knows? I contacted back the CA guy, but I'm still thinking about the Israel guy. That might be just too far. I mean, I'm willing to move when I get married, but I'm not about to get married like tomorrow, lol, and I want to get to know him.

I titled this "crisp fall air", not because this post has anything to do with that, but because I've been smelling it the entire time I've been writing this and it's invigorating me. I don't know which season is my favorite. Springtime is so fresh and beautiful, summer is intensely freeing and puts a bounce in my step, and winter is so starkly gorgeous, like the whole world is sleeping. But fall... fall might be my favorite. It's vibrant and, as I said, invigorating. It's hopeful and peaceful at the same time. I don't know. But I do love the color of a fall sky and that wonderful smell of it in the air.

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