Steeping my heart in the Lord, I feel invigorated and flavorful.
Bible study last night. Stayed up all night. Got online at some point. Was doing other stuff, but ended up reading a lot about the Vangnes boys. I'm blessed enough to consider myself a friend of the family. Indeed, I am family, for we are part of the family of Christ.
In the background I'm playing a concert I had DVRed of a Christian artist I saw in person about two years ago. He's really setting the mood, this mood steeped in Christ.
I don't know who I am in Him. It's amazing that the more one figures out about who they are in His Body the more they realize they have absolutely no idea. :)
The brilliant thing is: it doesn't matter.
I've been stumbling a lot. Not in general, but lately. That is, the past week. Just stumbling... pulling myself partway up and stumbling again.
I got an idea for a novel. I do that a lot, I write none of them. Well, that's entirely true, but I've not started a new novel in years now. But when I get ideas I still jot them down. And this was a Christian one, and as the idea developed I realized it was more an allegory. I'm not sure I'm actually called to write it, but it made me turn to the scripture and God just kept taking me to passages about persevering. Overcoming. And even that if you don't, your name could be blotted from the book of life. Heady stuff. Head of the Body stuff, that is.
And I've just been really convicted, you know? "Convicted" is such an interesting phrase. Sometimes we Christians use it to just mean "we felt really sure of something". But in this case, it was a true conviction: I was convicted of sin, you know? Like being convicted of a crime. And I got the message clearly to overcome or else.
Don't misunderstand. This wasn't a hellfire scary thing. This was God's way of saying Beloved, I love you. I know your heart for me. I know your desire for My Will. But if you don't overcome, that's it. If you fall on your face and you don't up, you can't win the race. Don't misunderstand: I will not be condemning you, you will. Overcome.
I didn't put it in quote marks because I didn't get the sense of those words at the time, but now looking back. I don't want to put words in His mouth. It wasn't God in a wild prophet way of shouting: REPENT!! It was God being frank and honest with a friend. Which, I admit, is far more powerful.
As I said, this has been a week, this stumbling. I think that's why it's been happening. I mean, if this had been a longer term thing, I'd really be upset. But because it is so short term, I don't think I was devoting myself to overcoming, you know? But I got this major sense of If you can't overcome in this, how can I trust you in the big things?
And I want to overcome in the big things. Moreover, I don't want to not overcome in the big things. I think that's the overriding purpose of this thing I'm not that well expressing. God and I have plans for me, and they involve some major overcoming. But if I can't even do this little thing, when the time comes, might I fail? How much more merciful is God than I even know, that He sends me this thing I fail in that I can practice overcoming until I am perfect in it in Christ. That is not to say that I expect perfection in me ever. But in Christ, only perfection exists. And someday, it is my divine and fervant Hope, that only in Christ will I exist.
Sometimes when people talk of sin and failure to overcome it's a negative thing, and sometimes a pity party. But instead the feel and message of this entire post should be uplifting and positive because that's what it is for me. The point is not my failure, but His Grace, His Mercy, His Friendship, and most of all His Faithfulness that I will overcome. I will overcome, because I do love Him and I want Him. I want Him, I want Him, I want Him, and His Helping Hand guiding me, I will be an Overcomer in Christ forever.