No, I'm not actually sick. Well, I've been fighting off a sinus infection for over three weeks now (I don't have health insurance, so I can't go get some good old antibiotics). But not counting that, I'm not really sick of body, but I feel sick of spirit.
Lately, I've been so busy I've not really taken quality time with Jesus. And where once the few minutes I spend in prayer a day would have seemed plenty, now I am aware of how drained I feel. I am not very nice without Jesus time either. I try, but it all comes out snippy or grumpy or whiny. I was just playing Farmville on facebook and it's not working right and hasn't been for two days so I'm going "Jesus, come on! Let it work!" and I hear what is probably the Spirit prompting me to ask this of myself: Does this really benefit someone other than me?
Well, no, Lord but...
And is this not a selfish pursuit?
Well, yes, maybe but--
And aren't I supposed to turn from selfishness? Haven't I given up the world so that Christ, not Pamela may live through me?
Yes, yes... but it's just Farmville!
And I bitterly confess that I still want to play! Nothing in this world is supposed to be my treasure, but even when I establish that the game is purely worldly, I stubbornly want to play.
I'm not very spiritually healthy.
Now, someone out there reading this might roll his/her eyes and say "Oh brother. She's going on about the immorality of Farmville? She's totally lost touch with reality"
But that's not true. The sin isn't Farmville. I am free in Christ and free to play Farmville... but not all is beneficial and when the Spirit of the Lord is telling you something isn't beneficial, wise is she who obeys.
Darn. I think I just talked myself into giving up Farmville... at least for a day. Jesus did say not to worry about tomorrow. So for now, I will follow the will of the Spirit and not play Farmville.
Wow, I feel better just admitting that. It's amazing the spirituality of allowing the Spirit to directly lead you. God came into the world to have an individual relationship with every Christian. The veil is torn and there is no need for a mediator. Jesus IS our High Priest and he calls us family and friend, so we can approach Him with boldness in love.
This was good. It was good to blog this, to work out my feelings on the conflict. In many little things, not to just Farmville, have I been resisting giving it all over to the God I do know and love. Which is just foolish of me. He alone knows the best path and True and righteous path for my life and I would be evil to deny that Truth.
Yet, even though I willfully resisted, I acknowledge I was wrong. This is a small matter, but it works in big matters too. And now Jesus and I will, I hope with a True, divine Hope, walk forward together in love. My troubled soul was the symptom, disobedience and selfishness the disease, and Jesus Christ the only cure. I know this sounds dogmatic, but I'm just really stumbling along this trial of thought, working out. And today's scripture is once more apt.
Jesus answered them, "It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance."
Luke 5:31-32 (NIV)
And how thankful I am that is true! Jesus is my doctor, the Great Physician. He takes my sick and perverse soul and restores it to healthy righteousness. As always, pray for me and I for you. God bless you, all who read this, all two of you. :-P