Lonely.

It's smokey outside. Some neighbor is burning something illegally. We're not sure if it's a bonfire or if they're burning garbage.
I can't stand when people burn garbage.
The scent is somewhere in between wood smoke and chemical smoke. It's seeped into the house.

I started feeling sick around 3. My mom and dad are sick. My best friend and her husband and his friend. And my sister. Everyone is sick and I'm starting to feel sick.

I want to visit my friend with a coma, but if I'm sick I can't.
I guess being ill has made me less chipper. The smoke might have helped too.
I instead feel sort of... flat.

A girl from Converse called today. Telethon I think they call it. I did it for one month. Asking for money. I don't have any, but I told her to try back later. I always promised I'd donate at least something... but I really don't have any money. She said they'll call again in the spring. Hopefully by then I'll have money.

Let's go dancing. Or something. I feel... quietly restless. I miss people. Of course, I tend to, living here in the middle of nowhere. But my mom hasn't been leaving her room except to smoke or eat and then she scurries back there. And my dad's been out, at work mainly. So I've been extra alone. No one even watches tv with me in the evening, which has been my primary social interaction lately.

I'm lonely.

Crisp Fall Air.

I enjoy having a blog, though I admit not as much as I used to. I liked being entirely anonymous because then I can just send my thoughts out into cyberspace and not have to worry about a friend reading them and reading too much into them. Unfortunately and fortunately though I have some friends who actually read this now. It's unfortunate because I find myself thinking "Oh, will she think I'm trying to say X?" or whatever. I preferred not to have to worry about fall out.

But at the same time, my past attempts to keep a blog regularly have all failed, with the exception of this one. Oh, I kept a blog on livejournal for two years in high school, but I only posted like once every two to three months. My rate of regularity is much better with this one. This is my third for September, and that's a slow month for this blog.

It's so beautifully fall today! The leaves haven't really turned so much, but it's been getting pretty chilly so I'm pretty certain there will be some more color dramatically in the next week. I'm thinking about scraping up an old canvas from my high school supplies and getting out my oils and going out and painting. To be honest though, I'm not sure I want to paint a landscape.

Actually, I want to go to Barnett Park and paint a portrait. Why Barnett Park? Why a portrait? Couldn't tell you. But it's the urge. But my parents and the friend I go walking with are pretty much my only rides available and my mom is sick and even if she was well she and my dad aren't really that frivolous to drive me all that way just to paint. And while Tabitha will take me walking or something and that's great, she's not artsy. She's not into random silliness or Godly dorkiness either, like breaking out in song downtown or attending three church services on the same morning for fun.

Sigh. It's really too bad.

Lydia is moving. Not until January, but I'm going to miss her horribly. She is totally into silliness and Godly dorkiness. She called me all excited saying we have to drive to Greenville next week because a Christian speaker who is key in the new monasticism movement is speaking at Furman. I love her! She's one of a kind. Still, I only see her like once a week or less normally, though I hope to up that to make up for the fact I probably won't see her for two years and who knows if even after that? Two years is a long time away for me. In fact, I don't know what will happen between now and Christmas!

My friend who I go walking with was just made a horrible offer. She's married, and has been having marital problems, and an ex boyfriend of hers offered to move her to another state, pay for her rent, her food, and send her to college for free. All she has to do is leave her husband. Ugghhh. It was horrible! It might not sound so horrible, but when I heard her tell me about it the creep factor was written all over it. He sounds like the kind of guy who likes the control, you know? He was telling her they didn't have to be a relationship "but if it happens", you know? Sigh, she'd feel obligated and... there'd be so many strings attached. And she totally said no, and the guy took the offer off the table. But she was tempted and she was telling me "what if my marriage falls apart in two months and I could have gone back to school?" She tried to go back this fall but her health isn't so good, she got sick and missed two weeks of work and couldn't come up with the money. She was already enrolled and everything. She desperately wants to go back. She completed the first semester of her freshman year like three years back, I think? She got almost through the second and got sick back then too, kidney stones, and missed too much class and was kicked out. Of course, it was a blessing in disguise because what she majored in then is not what she wanted to major in now, so... Still.

But there are sooo many strings attached, even if they're invisible, in that offer that ex made to her. And then we were talking about my love life (which doesn't exist, if you're curious, except in the dream phase, but the dream phase is fun) and I was talking about how I have no career ambitions. I don't. And how I want to have kids and homeschool them and want to be a stay at home homeschooling mom. I don't mind working until then, but it's not like it'd be advantageous to start a career and then leave it, you know? I'd be gone for eighteen or more years. And she said "So basically you want some guy to make you the same offer [her ex] made me?" and I told her absolutely not, for one I'd never live with a guy before marriage. So she said you want him to make the same offer except you want him to marry you.

It's not true, but I could see how it sounded that way to her. But I don't want things just to be handed to me. I really don't. I just don't know what to work at to get what I'd want to work for. Does that make any sense? Anyway, if I was a housewife with no job, I'd feel totally obligated to take on 100% of the housework. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or not. I could do it, but I wouldn't enjoy it. That's if I didn't have kids. If I have kids, I think that'd be full time job enough my husband would be responsible for at least part of the housework, like maybe dishes and a couple of loads a laundry a week or something small but significantly helpful like that.

I hate that I feel like I'm selfish and have to justify myself if I'm okay with the housewife role.
Of course this is assuming I have a normal life, which, I admit, it unlikely. I'm just not the "normal life" type. But still, if I have one, I'd rather have the housewife "normal" life than the career woman "normal" life any day of the week.

When I said the love life was nonexistant I mean there's nothing going on. I didn't mean there wasn't any potential. I really don't want a long distance relationship, having only had them all my life, but I don't know how to meet guys in real life. I mean, Christian guys who are utterly in love with God, believe in interdenominationalism and unification of the entire Body, the right age range, not married (big one!), has a good personality and who I'm attracted to. If there are any around here, there are probably like only three and what are the chances I'll meet them when I pretty much go nowhere? So I'm online again. I actually found a really great Christian singles site that actually seems to be filled with guys who adore Christ, not just attend church. And two, thus far, are interested in me... but both are pretty far away. And I really don't want a long distance relationship. I'd be cool with being able to talk pretty much daily and seeing each other only once a month. But less than that? One is in California and the other is in (drum roll) Israel. Seriously. How much farther could you get?

Still, both like to travel. So who knows? I contacted back the CA guy, but I'm still thinking about the Israel guy. That might be just too far. I mean, I'm willing to move when I get married, but I'm not about to get married like tomorrow, lol, and I want to get to know him.

I titled this "crisp fall air", not because this post has anything to do with that, but because I've been smelling it the entire time I've been writing this and it's invigorating me. I don't know which season is my favorite. Springtime is so fresh and beautiful, summer is intensely freeing and puts a bounce in my step, and winter is so starkly gorgeous, like the whole world is sleeping. But fall... fall might be my favorite. It's vibrant and, as I said, invigorating. It's hopeful and peaceful at the same time. I don't know. But I do love the color of a fall sky and that wonderful smell of it in the air.

The Weakest Human Being Alive

I'm not doing so well. I'm trying. And I know that counts. But not hard enough. I'm trying to try, and I'm not doing so well.

Earlier this week I went on a trip with Tabitha to Myrtle Beach and Florence. The second day was fun, but the first day I fought with my friend. We never fight. And I fear I failed miserably at shining Jesus' light. But the Christian life is about endurance and hope, not high flying perfection, so onward I go.

After fighting all the way down, we got a hotel room in Myrtle Beach.

The next day we went to the aquarium.

Then on the way home we stopped in Florence and went and saw my sister and went to the planetarium there.

Planetarium at Francis Marion University.

On Friday Bible Study was about grief. It was on Psalm 102. It was hard, having to think about grief for the hour and a half or two hours or whatever Bible study is. It's not that I haven't grieved. I have. But just in short tiny bursts. I haven't dwelled on it like that since at least two weeks after. I ended up writing a poem. I'll post it later. I haven't typed it up yet. I read it at the end of Bible study. There was... a palpable silence. Obviously it was effective. Of course, part of that was the emotion that I couldn't keep out of my voice, though I tried. Still... part of the reason the grieving process has been hard is I've been alone. Now, I don't want to talk about it. But I've seen Bible study rally around its members in their time of weakness and that just didn't happen for me. I got a few mumbled condolences from about a fifth of them. One friend tried to comfort me the night I found out, she took me out, but it was lame and painful. A help, a great help, but hey, anything would have been lame and painful. Still, it was probably a little more lame and painful then it had to have been because she was trying to "cheer" me up and do "fun" stuff.

There's more to the story then I've blogged. And only four people, well four people in my typical life, know the story. There are few friends in cyberspace I've told, and across the pond, but only four otherwise. But even though it's complicated and I don't want to open up to everyone, doesn't mean I don't need people. I don't know what I need from them. Just to know they care, I guess. I know those four care. I know some other do too. But we pray for all these people in Bible study going through things not as tragic and no one ever mentions me.

Please understand: I'm not mad at them. A tiny bit hurt, but God's doing something with me through the process. See, I think I blogged about it before, but God's showed me stuff about my past and, I think, my future.

As a kid, I didn't really have any friends. My social skills are effected. I'm clumsier then most adults, I think. I have friends now, plenty. But anyway, back then I'd long for just one true friend. See, any friend of mine would get picked on for being my friend back then, and eventually the peer pressure would get too much and they'd stop, often publicly ditching me since that was a way to get back in the in crowd's graces. And I was a smart kid, I knew those mean kids weren't really their friends anymore then they were mine. But they were the kids with power, so my sort of friends caved into them. And I used to wish I could say too them (but had enough social understanding to know I couldn't): Can't you see? Can't you see that you only need one real friend? More is nice, but one real friend is worth so much more than hundreds of fake friends. Please, just be my real friend and I'll be yours. We can ignore the rest of them!
But that never happened. I only got real friends after the pressure was off.

But I remembered that when I was Kansas City and God revealed that my past happened that way for, among other reasons, showing me how Jesus feels. How often we cave into the world, the fake friends, and hurt our beloved Jesus!

But the other thing I realized is: as long as I have one true friend, I'm okay. I want to have more. I want to know my friends are all great and they'll never betray me. But look at the disciples. Not just Judas. He's so famous for it. But even though his other friends didn't turn Jesus in, they ran. They didn't stick by him. They weren't "real good friends"... but they're still my brethren, my fathers in the church. They are the apostles and other first century Christians, present at Pentacost! Peter denied him! But he's St. Peter! Things happened the way it was supposed to, despite Jesus's pain at their betrayal.

And so God showed me something I'm not sure I wanted to realize, but I think is important to know about my future. It's possible for Christian brethren friends to utterly betray you and it still be God's will. But I'm also assured that no matter what happens, I've got Jesus.

Anyway, the reason I say it is not to say "The Bible Study people will betray me!" because I hope that's not true. What I am saying is I've come to rely on them, and having them fail me in this is, I think, God's way of making sure I am leaning on Him, and not just them. As a kid, I was just a baby Christian, just receiving God's promises but not knowing what to do with them. As a college student, I was embraced by and fell in love with God's people and God showed me the beauty and wonder of His Body and His Will for it. As a post college adult, I think God's showing me how to rely on Him even when the Body's unreliable. It makes sense, if you think about it. God's called me to help unify the Body. If the Body didn't need unifying, it'd be totally reliable. But since it does...

I'm not saying God's teaching me to be without fellowship. It's utterly essential to seek it. But I am saying that my faith is telling me He's making sure I'm leaning on Him and on them, so that if they suddenly drop me, I don't fall. Stumble a mite, maybe, but no face plants. :)

I can see the lesson, I think. And I'm trying to remain open to whatever else He has to say.

But I'm not doing so well. Not just cause of grief. It's been since the trip. Worldliness, I think. I always fail utterly when immersed in the world.

Did I ever tell you I'm the weakest human alive? It's totally true. Paul said he was the worst sinner. I'm the weakest human. I've never, in living memory that goes back to when I was two, not known God. So, even though I've been ignorant at times and rebellious at others, and failed probably more then I've succeeded, I've never had to live without relying on Him. And the one day I decided to try it, the one day I woke up and deliberately said "I'm turning away from you, God", is the day I almost committed suicide that evening. Seriously. ONE DAY without God in my whole life, and it was the worst day ever. And I know for certain, now, that God's the one who cleaned me up and brought me out of that depression. For a while I thought He was mad or something and I was having earn my way back into His graces, but finally I got close enough to Him to realize He was the only reason I survived at all. That every moment in the two years afterwards it took me to get back good with him, He was there just trying to clean me up from the horrors me and the enemy had done to me in that depressed time. He was always there, holding me in the palm of His hands. And in fact, I am convinced the only reason I didn't commit suicide was because God stepped in and said This was belongs to me. I had given my life to Him long ago, He had plans for it, and it wasn't mine to take. Praise you Jesus!!!!!!!!!!

But so, I am the weakest human being alive! How many people spend decades without God? But me, I nearly don't survive one day.

But I take great comfort in the fact that when I am weak, He is strong. All the strength you see in me? That's Him. And all the weakness? Me. (the meekness is Him though. Meekness is a good thing).

Pray for me, would you? Oh! And for my dear friend from college whose father is ill and probably dying. I tried to call her today but she didn't pick up and she apparently doesn't have voicemail? I heard about her on Friday too and that's definitely weighing on my heart.

Welcome to the Fall

Steeping my heart in the Lord, I feel invigorated and flavorful.
Bible study last night. Stayed up all night. Got online at some point. Was doing other stuff, but ended up reading a lot about the Vangnes boys. I'm blessed enough to consider myself a friend of the family. Indeed, I am family, for we are part of the family of Christ.
In the background I'm playing a concert I had DVRed of a Christian artist I saw in person about two years ago. He's really setting the mood, this mood steeped in Christ.

I don't know who I am in Him. It's amazing that the more one figures out about who they are in His Body the more they realize they have absolutely no idea. :)
The brilliant thing is: it doesn't matter.

I've been stumbling a lot. Not in general, but lately. That is, the past week. Just stumbling... pulling myself partway up and stumbling again.
I got an idea for a novel. I do that a lot, I write none of them. Well, that's entirely true, but I've not started a new novel in years now. But when I get ideas I still jot them down. And this was a Christian one, and as the idea developed I realized it was more an allegory. I'm not sure I'm actually called to write it, but it made me turn to the scripture and God just kept taking me to passages about persevering. Overcoming. And even that if you don't, your name could be blotted from the book of life. Heady stuff. Head of the Body stuff, that is.

And I've just been really convicted, you know? "Convicted" is such an interesting phrase. Sometimes we Christians use it to just mean "we felt really sure of something". But in this case, it was a true conviction: I was convicted of sin, you know? Like being convicted of a crime. And I got the message clearly to overcome or else.

Don't misunderstand. This wasn't a hellfire scary thing. This was God's way of saying Beloved, I love you. I know your heart for me. I know your desire for My Will. But if you don't overcome, that's it. If you fall on your face and you don't up, you can't win the race. Don't misunderstand: I will not be condemning you, you will. Overcome.
I didn't put it in quote marks because I didn't get the sense of those words at the time, but now looking back. I don't want to put words in His mouth. It wasn't God in a wild prophet way of shouting: REPENT!! It was God being frank and honest with a friend. Which, I admit, is far more powerful.

As I said, this has been a week, this stumbling. I think that's why it's been happening. I mean, if this had been a longer term thing, I'd really be upset. But because it is so short term, I don't think I was devoting myself to overcoming, you know? But I got this major sense of If you can't overcome in this, how can I trust you in the big things?

And I want to overcome in the big things. Moreover, I don't want to not overcome in the big things. I think that's the overriding purpose of this thing I'm not that well expressing. God and I have plans for me, and they involve some major overcoming. But if I can't even do this little thing, when the time comes, might I fail? How much more merciful is God than I even know, that He sends me this thing I fail in that I can practice overcoming until I am perfect in it in Christ. That is not to say that I expect perfection in me ever. But in Christ, only perfection exists. And someday, it is my divine and fervant Hope, that only in Christ will I exist.

Sometimes when people talk of sin and failure to overcome it's a negative thing, and sometimes a pity party. But instead the feel and message of this entire post should be uplifting and positive because that's what it is for me. The point is not my failure, but His Grace, His Mercy, His Friendship, and most of all His Faithfulness that I will overcome. I will overcome, because I do love Him and I want Him. I want Him, I want Him, I want Him, and His Helping Hand guiding me, I will be an Overcomer in Christ forever.