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Monday, June 28, 2010

Vulnerable

I want to get married and have kids.

Yesterday I went on AnybodyOutThere.com as an anonymous guest and put something to that effect as my subject line. I wanted to be anonymous and reveal this desperate ache in me. I couldn't do it as a facebook status. It's too... much.

I was on facebook and saw a girl... well, a woman, I went to high school with commenting about her two beautiful kids and my heart just ached and ached. I'm 24 now, and I'd hoped to have at least one kid (within marriage) by the time I turned 25. Well, I don't even have a boyfriend and I'll be 25 in 8 months, so that's not going to happen. And I don't believe in sex before marriage, and I'm not just going to meet and marry someone in a day. Admittedly, when I said by 25, I was kind of thinking more 'before 26' so I guess that gives me more like 20 months, but...

My parents dated for five years before they married. My older sister dated my brother-in-law for five years before they married. My younger sister has dated her current boyfriend for four and a half years and could get engaged anytime soon. They talk about 'when' they'll get married for a long, long time now, not if. I'm not saying that if I met a great guy today it'd take four or five years to figure out I wanted to marry him. But I think some time tests and aids in having a good and healthy marriage later.

It's this crazy ache. Like burning daily in and out. And while I am trying so hard to wait and be patient and I do know God's time is best... it hurts. It makes me so very, very vulnerable this ache. It is so strong!

And if God never has me marry... then I give it up for his sake and that is fine. He is God and I am not. He is worth far more than that.

But I still have this ache.

And I feel so stupid saying this! But when I lay in bed I thought why are you too ashamed to admit this ache? Part of it is because I don't want it to mar my witness. God is so much, so infinitely much to me! He completes me, and aids me in all challenges of life. My darkest moments of grief and sadness are intermingled with joy in my memory because of his ever abiding presence. It might sound like meaningless poetry, but it is exactly and truly how I feel. How marvelous is He! How wonderous! How amazing! How awe-inspiring! How compelling! How all consuming! How mighty! How simple! How intricate! How adoring! How loving! How sweet!!! And more, so very much more!

So how can I know Him and love Him as I do and admit this ache?

But then I realized that was stupid. I decided that it was fine not to announce it on facebook since mainly that'll just make friends and family uncomfortable because really, what can they do?

But I thought I should come and post here. That's what a blog is for, and, more importantly my God never asked me to lie. God asked me to show the world Him through me. And I know He shares this ache.

Do you know why the Father sent the Son to the earth to suffer and die? Do you know why Jesus went through with it? While, indeed, we Christians were saved and set free to proclaim the availability of this salvation to the world, what were we saved for?

We were saved to be the Church, to be Christ's Bride. This is entirely Biblical, straight forward and spelled out in many places. Jesus suffered and died because He already loved us and died for us. g'

Now I know there are aches and urges in me that are not Biblical and these should be between me and my God, and with any Christian struggling with the same issue to encourage them to persevere. They are not for sharing with internet strangers to titillate and entertain. How the general public loves to tear down and ridicule Christians with flaws! I admit I have them, and with those who need to hear about it I'll share. But to do so otherwise is to brag in my sins, and that's just wrong.

But this ache isn't like that. It's no sin to want a spouse and children. Actually, forbidding marriage is one of those things listed to recognize false teachers. You're free not to marry if you don't have the urge, but marriage is sacred to Christ. That's why divorce is so troubling in our culture.

One of the people I talked to on anybodyoutthere.com last night told me I needed a life planner! Ha! A) you can't plan to fall in love and have kids. You can hope for it, but it's not a plan. If you try to make it a plan... that's just wrong. B) I don't need a life planner. I got one. God. It's His plan, and not my own, that's important now.

I desperately want a husband and children.
But it's in God's hands.
I write this blog to acknowledge my intense vulnerability... but to know that God will either give me this wish or He'll fulfill this ache in some other glorious way. Praise God and I am so thankful He's got me.

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