Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Life at the Pace of Butterflies

Today I watched butterflies fly around my mom's garden. Big orange and black ones, who had white spots when their wings were closed. Black and blue ones I'm pretty sure are swallowtails. Little orange ones with black edges. Little dull brown ones who fold their wings in amazing ways. Buttery creamy yellow ones with little orange dots that look like someone random poked them with a marker. Small light orange ones that blended into the flowers they were on... not sure of the flower's names. There were purple and fuchsia morning glories, these long droopy red orange things, yellow marigolds, magenta zinnias, and some little pinky-purple pastel things that had fat little happy bees in and out of them. There were also some flies about, but I ignored them.

I sat amongst this in the lime green plastic adirondack chair, happy to be alive. I read a novel by George MacDonald, pausing frequently to soak in the nature around me. God heals us through such beauty. Above me, the sky was that amazing, lovely blue it only is in autumn. The world was delighted because it got rain the past two days, after weeks of drought. So the greens were GREEN and the soil was dark with moisture. A vulture, then two, then nine were gliding above me. On earth, vultures are not attractive. In the air though, they are glorious, gliding on strong and elegant wings. Each fall, except last fall, for the past four or five years or so we've been the vulture's vacation home, getting congregations of hundreds of them. I can't be certain yet, but I think these nine are the first in an incoming wave. And therefore their presence simply said, 'We are here. It's that time again. We are nature' and nothing darker, despite their carrion identity.

My weary body has been plagued by an abundance of feminine ailments, to the point of light headedness, lately. But I slept yesterday away, awoke and ate iron rich foods, then slept another six hours to wake at nine am. I feel much better, though the condition prevails.

My mom talked to me over the weekend and told me I need to find a job. Financially, my family is not in good shape. I've been looking without success, but she's saying I NEED to find something soon. This week.

I'm just going on faith. God will lead me. And it's being confirmed. I love, love, love the daily Bible verse at the top of my blog each day. It's always so applicable. Today it is:

"If I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, even there your hand shall lead me, and your right hand shall hold me."
Psalm 139:9-10

EVEN THERE your hand shall lead me. What assurance when the accuser in me is screaming I am lazy and not doing enough. God shall lead me to where His will for me is. He will provide for me, since I am His and depend on His Lordship. He will not forsake me.

And the other daily Bible verse, at the end of the myriads of things to the side of this blog is this:

'The man without the Spirit does not accept the things that come from the Spirit of God, for they are foolishness to him, and he cannot understand them, because they are spiritually discerned.” 1 Corinthians 2:14

Which is also comforting in this situation, because when I tell people God will provide, they try to stir me into a worrying, tumultuous fervor, convinced if I am not panicking in my unemployment, I am lazy or worthless. But to trust in the Lord is to do just that, and to abide in His peace, which He provides for those who seek Him.

Still, I ache to help my parents in this way and ask you to pray for a job for me.

Waiting is so hard. I constantly dream of the future lately, for in the present there is just so little going on. But there are butterflies and good books, and for that I am thankful. And my darling Ryan, who himself serves as a reminder that God does fulfill promises, for he is my cookie man. And Tabitha, an answer to prayer in her new earnestness to seek God and his ways. And the child in her womb, the fulfillment of the ache of her heart, and therefore an assurance he hears mine. And Keiko, with her love and prayers at Bible Study. And Lydia, with her friendship... and the list goes on. Little is happening, as far as action, but waiting itself is a work, and things are going on... but how hard it is to see! Thank God we have faith! (quite earnestly!)

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