Vulnerable

I want to get married and have kids.

Yesterday I went on AnybodyOutThere.com as an anonymous guest and put something to that effect as my subject line. I wanted to be anonymous and reveal this desperate ache in me. I couldn't do it as a facebook status. It's too... much.

I was on facebook and saw a girl... well, a woman, I went to high school with commenting about her two beautiful kids and my heart just ached and ached. I'm 24 now, and I'd hoped to have at least one kid (within marriage) by the time I turned 25. Well, I don't even have a boyfriend and I'll be 25 in 8 months, so that's not going to happen. And I don't believe in sex before marriage, and I'm not just going to meet and marry someone in a day. Admittedly, when I said by 25, I was kind of thinking more 'before 26' so I guess that gives me more like 20 months, but...

My parents dated for five years before they married. My older sister dated my brother-in-law for five years before they married. My younger sister has dated her current boyfriend for four and a half years and could get engaged anytime soon. They talk about 'when' they'll get married for a long, long time now, not if. I'm not saying that if I met a great guy today it'd take four or five years to figure out I wanted to marry him. But I think some time tests and aids in having a good and healthy marriage later.

It's this crazy ache. Like burning daily in and out. And while I am trying so hard to wait and be patient and I do know God's time is best... it hurts. It makes me so very, very vulnerable this ache. It is so strong!

And if God never has me marry... then I give it up for his sake and that is fine. He is God and I am not. He is worth far more than that.

But I still have this ache.

And I feel so stupid saying this! But when I lay in bed I thought why are you too ashamed to admit this ache? Part of it is because I don't want it to mar my witness. God is so much, so infinitely much to me! He completes me, and aids me in all challenges of life. My darkest moments of grief and sadness are intermingled with joy in my memory because of his ever abiding presence. It might sound like meaningless poetry, but it is exactly and truly how I feel. How marvelous is He! How wonderous! How amazing! How awe-inspiring! How compelling! How all consuming! How mighty! How simple! How intricate! How adoring! How loving! How sweet!!! And more, so very much more!

So how can I know Him and love Him as I do and admit this ache?

But then I realized that was stupid. I decided that it was fine not to announce it on facebook since mainly that'll just make friends and family uncomfortable because really, what can they do?

But I thought I should come and post here. That's what a blog is for, and, more importantly my God never asked me to lie. God asked me to show the world Him through me. And I know He shares this ache.

Do you know why the Father sent the Son to the earth to suffer and die? Do you know why Jesus went through with it? While, indeed, we Christians were saved and set free to proclaim the availability of this salvation to the world, what were we saved for?

We were saved to be the Church, to be Christ's Bride. This is entirely Biblical, straight forward and spelled out in many places. Jesus suffered and died because He already loved us and died for us. g'

Now I know there are aches and urges in me that are not Biblical and these should be between me and my God, and with any Christian struggling with the same issue to encourage them to persevere. They are not for sharing with internet strangers to titillate and entertain. How the general public loves to tear down and ridicule Christians with flaws! I admit I have them, and with those who need to hear about it I'll share. But to do so otherwise is to brag in my sins, and that's just wrong.

But this ache isn't like that. It's no sin to want a spouse and children. Actually, forbidding marriage is one of those things listed to recognize false teachers. You're free not to marry if you don't have the urge, but marriage is sacred to Christ. That's why divorce is so troubling in our culture.

One of the people I talked to on anybodyoutthere.com last night told me I needed a life planner! Ha! A) you can't plan to fall in love and have kids. You can hope for it, but it's not a plan. If you try to make it a plan... that's just wrong. B) I don't need a life planner. I got one. God. It's His plan, and not my own, that's important now.

I desperately want a husband and children.
But it's in God's hands.
I write this blog to acknowledge my intense vulnerability... but to know that God will either give me this wish or He'll fulfill this ache in some other glorious way. Praise God and I am so thankful He's got me.

Sparklecityblogs.com and Happy Birthday Mom!

Also happy anniversary to my older sister Beth and her husband Daniel. They've been together four years today!

I have been one of many blogs in the sparklecityblogs.com family for a while now, but for some reason my blogs don't seem to show up on their site. Well, the title does, but none of the actual blog. So I just finally emailed them to ask why. I await their reply curiously.

Right now, all I've got for Mom's bday is a card. Of course I'm really broke. Sigh. All I got for my best friend Tabby's birthday was a bouquet of flowers... which my Mom grew anyway. So if I went and picked her own flowers, Mom probably wouldn't be so impressed. :-P

Speaking of growing things, it's fruit and vegetable season. Well, sort of. We're having some berries ripe enough to eat, and the zucchini have been harvested and given away a lot this year already. Mom also got some lettuce, though there's still some out there. She's also growing peppers and green beans which aren't ready yet. As far as the berries go, we've got black berries (which are wild) and blueberries (which are not, and this is the first year we've tried them). My friend Grace wants to come berry picking soon.

Please keep praying for my friend Tabby's grandma, Suja (real name Sylvia). She's got bacteria in her bloodstream. She's been on dialysis for her kidneys for a while.

Oh, by the way, Stephen and I stopped dating a few weeks back. We never were an official couple, though we went on six dates. But it was a mutual agreement, basically, that we wouldn't really suit. There just never developed a... thing between us, you know? Like chemistry or something. I'd been thinking it for a while, but when I was going to call it quit, he still wanted another date and I thought 'okay, but if this isn't change something, that'll have to be the last one'. I told him yes, and he asked me to decide which day (but we didn't do it during that conversation). Well, I decided, but when I tried to get a hold of him he did the really annoying avoiding me thing he'd already done a few times (doesn't endear me to him). Then when he called me out of the blue to tell me that he didn't think it was working out, I could honestly say I agreed. So it wasn't such a big deal. We do like each other though, and want to remain friends. So far we've only exchanged a handful of text messages to that end, but at least we've done that. We really do enjoy each other, just not as a couple.

By the way, cheese is a viable weapon in the heat of battle. Mythbusters tells me so.

So there's this guy...

I go on a Christian dating site (I have no life, so where else will I meet someone?) and there's this guy I talked to the other night who I kind of dig. But I've not heard from him since. And I did make the first move, which I hate to do. But he was online and I was online... and he did give me his email address. But I also gave him mine and I've been hoping he'll make the next move...

However, according to the site, he's been online everyday since (it's been less than a week) and he's not tried to contact me in anyway. Now, he did indeed give me his email address first... but I also live in the world that the only way a girl can know for sure a guy is really into her is if he's pursuing her.

So, since I've been checking out if he's been online everyday (I know, it smells of stalker) and he's not even contacted me once, it makes me think he might not be interested...
But his profile reads like a shy guy, and he did say something like 'I really enjoyed this. I don't normally do this, but here's my email address'. So he could be thinking he put the ball in my court and taking the fact I've not emailed him to mean I'm not interested...

Sigh. I probably will end up emailing him, because I am interested. But I hate chasing after a guy. It doesn't feel right. But the fact that he did give me his email address suggests he's not got no interest at all... I just hate making a fool of myself though, if he was just being polite.

Quick note from Spartanburg

I am in Spartanburg at Barnes and Noble. I can't actually connect to the B&N wifi, so I connected to Monkey Joe's instead. Well, I could connect to the wifi, but not to the internet through it, it was only a local connection.

I am very hungry but I only $1.74 in coins and I'm telling myself to save it.

Tabitha's grandma, nicknamed Suja, was rushed to the ER. So if you read this, pray for her please. She's not in good health.

My mom and dad are at the movies and I asked them to drop me at B&N while they went. It's such an awesome place. I am trying to get somewhat caught up on Farmville. I've not really been on it in weeks. I had 47 gifts piled up in my gift box.

It's thundering here...

I think I'm going to get off and walk over to Burger King, which is across the parking lot, and get something off the dollar menu. I really want to save the money, but I think I'm getting faint.

Some exerpts from my 'God book'

These are in no real particular order... mainly because I don't journal in any particular order. I just open the God book and jot stuff down on any empty page.


When I am weak, you are strong
You are always right! I am often wrong
In my grief my brokenness revealed
I am lost, tossed by the force of what I feel
In Your arms I beat my fists against your chest
Lashing out at who I love best
I am severed, incomplete inside of me
Thank you for holding on and being beyond me

I praise the God who gives and takes away
You lift me up and wipe my tears away
I miss the past but I cannot leave today
Not on my own, anyway

You're all I have, but I know you're everything
My sorrows deep, but my joyous heart can sing
I do not understand, and its too hard to try
I'd rather laugh and sit then to fall and cry
It seems my life, it is a life of grief
I am so aware someday I shall leave
I smile and everyone nods, relieved that I am fine
But lonely is my heart, after all have turned aside
You alone, my God, abide.


Lydia is speaking at Bible Study on God as the fuel.
Duh! I've felt yucky & foolish & failing b/c I'm hungry. Sometimes I get stupid & clumsy & irritated-- & I'm hungry. I've gotten like that spiritually.

"I know, LORD, that our lives are not our own.
We are not able to plan our own course.
So correct me, LORD, but please be gentle."
Jeremiah 10:23-24


It is not I that map my life, but He--and yet, He made & designed me for a purpose, so when I am in line with His plan, I am vibrantly me as never I could choose.


I am not diamond
I am not steel
I do break and I do splinter and I do feel
Pain's companion, I gasp with grief
Yet joy is so abundant, you are unending peace
For I am no one indestructible
Independent & strong-- that is not me
I rely utterly on You who bind my wounds
You gird me Your strength for I am weak


Listen quietly. Cultivate silence.
Do not be too ready to do, just be.
Never think things overwhelming. How can they be when Jesus is with you?
Do not feel the strain of life.

Perusing Drafts and the 'O, I Forgot!'s

So sometimes I get on here and I type something and save it as a draft. Sometimes I'm just not done but have to go. Other times I was really just goofing off and had nothing real to say.

I hate having drafts though, because when I get to my blog's 'dashboard' it tells I have X amount of posts, but it includes the drafts. So my last entry, I had to edit it real quick after I posted it. So I went back to edit it, and when I went to the 'Edit Posts' page, I noticed I had some drafts. I didn't realize there were any drafts I'd not modified. But there wasn't just one, there was five.

So I perused them, and then deleted them. Three out of five were really nothing. One was only a title, with no body to it at all. And I'd posted a post by that title a few days later, so obviously what happened was I typed in the title and realized I didn't have time to write on the subject and left, but the site autosaved a draft. I came back a few days later and actually wrote on the subject, unaware of the draft. So that was easily deleted.

Also easily discarded was 'I am tired'. Which was only that. No subject, just that single sentence. And 'The sun is coming up'. Both of these I must have gone to blogspot with the intention of writing a post and then realized I'd be better served heading to bed.

But two were interesting. One was a song, which I will share. I had forgotten I'd written it. Thinking back though, I think I was online and this song came into my head, so I went to blogspot to quickly jot it down:

No more rebellion
I may be a hellion
But I've asked forgiveness
And been redeemed
And of everyone
I know I follow One
And many can't concieve this
But He's my dream
No matter what you do
You can't please everyone
You can't please everyone
And so I pick just one
Who I won't grieve

Please sustain sustain me
Beloved, take me
Mark me forever as your own
You'll never forsake me
I know your heart a little more
and more and more as I do seek you
And it's so pure and sweet, simple and deep
Unending
You're softly tending me


And then the other interesting one was very different. It was two paragraphs actually talking about my blog itself. Here you go:

I really need to write down my blog ideas. See, I have trouble thinking of what I meant to say when I'm confined to a desk. I usually think of the BEST blogs (even writing every word mentally for an hour or so) when I'm in bed or the car or somewhere I do not have access to the internet.

I do have a laptop, but we don't have wifi. Since I got my laptop fixed in December, I've only been able to get online twice. The problem is I don't have my own transportation so when I get to go to a place with wifi available, I'm hanging out with a friend. And when I'm doing that, it's rude to get online and do my own thing.

Interesting, amusing, and a little frustrating is I didn't actually get to the jotting down of these 'best blogs' I had in my head at the time. I did write this though, and remember I kept of thinking of interesting stuff and going 'Oh, I need to blog about this!' in my head, but then blanking out when I actually got online. My guess is that this was written in one of those blanking out times, out of frustration.

You may have noticed this is titled 'Perusing Drafts and the 'O, I Forgots!'

The previous was obviously the perusing drafts part. The O, I Forgot! was just that I realized when I was talking about special friendships in my last post I should have mentioned Sarah, who I talked to last night. I only met her my senior year of college, but we have a great friendship. She's now married and lives in Yonkers, NY. She's in seminary. She's Eastern Orthodox, and if you remember when I visited the nuns, it was with her. She and Lydia and I make an interesting trio. But the most special thing about our friendship is the Holy Spirit really flourishes. She'll facebook chat me and say no more than 'hi' and suddenly my mind flies to the Lord and I feel convicted of the frivolities I was engaged in (I'm thinking of a particular occasion). She's an awesome woman of God.

Another thing I want to mention is my friendship with Grace. She attends Bible Study with us. She's also married, and actually I feel I'm just as good friends with her husband, Jacob. She's pregnant right now with their first child, a son. They've been married almost four years. She and her husband are hosting Bible Study this weekend, which I'm excited about because that means they'll definitely be there. Sometimes lately they don't come, or only one of them does. Grace gets tired really easily, understandably, and Jacob's been having a crazy time with employment situations.

Grace wants to come over and pick blackberries. Our blackberries aren't really that ripe yet though. Some are ripe, but only like 5-10% of the bushes in our front yard. The bushes in our side yard aren't ripe at all yet, and they are the most delicious. So I'm thinking I'll wait until at least some of them are ripe before having her over. By then, the front bushes will probably be at least 50% ripe, but probably more like 80% or more. The side yard bushes seem to be much farther behind. They're a different variety though, it's obvious (all of these bushes are wild, so they're not planned.)

Of Friends, Fried Things, and Future Hopes

And I will go to the altar of God,
To God my exceeding joy;
And I will praise You,
I will praise You with the harp,
O God, my God--
My exceeding joy.

But now, Jehovah, You are our Father;
We are the clay; and You, our Potter;
And all of us are the work of Your hand,
And all of us are the work of Your hand.

That's two different songs and two different Bible verses which in my head are forever connected. Lydia and I wrote them (the tunes, not the verses) on the same evening. I mainly wrote the tune to the top verse, which is Psalm 43:4. Lydia mainly wrote the bottom tune, which is Isaiah 64:8.

The verse on the side of the blog today is "I thank my God every time I remember you.", Philippians 1:3, and when I read that verse I always think of Lydia. I think of others too, but always her first. She's my James 5:20 "My brethren, if anyone among you wanders from the truth and is brought back by another, you should know that whoever brings back a sinner from wandering will save the sinner's soul from death, and will cover a multitude of sins". I was a believer who had wandered from the truth, until Lydia, carrying out the Lord's will, brought me back. And then, together, God taught and matured us both, bringing us closer to Him. It's a special friendship.

Another special friendship of mine is with Tabitha. We tend more to physical things, like working out, lately. We haven't actually seen much of each other, but hopefully more soon. Next time I'll probably see her will be Sunday. We're going to church together. She had a dream of some sort, from which she woke with the conviction she should go back to church. She's attended a church of someone she knows that she liked, so she wants to go again and is asking her husband and I to accompany her. I'm looking forward to it.

I just got back my internet. We have dial up at home, and our modems were fried 2 1/2 weeks ago. Additionally fried was our plasma screen tv, the one hooked up to the DVR and Wii. That's not been fixed, but we have an extended insurance policy so we're hoping it'll be covered. We've not thorougly checked into that yet. And I'm hoping the Wii and DVR are okay. We tried to hook up the DVR to another tv, but we couldn't figure out how. We think you need an HDMI connection, which the plasma has but none of our other TVs.

One good thing about having the internet back is the job searching. I really need a job. I was looking at jobs last night (we got the internet back yesterday afternoon, and I didn't get on until the night.)

I'm still praying and hoping to be able to thru-hike the Appalachian Trail. When I've been working out, it's mainly with that in mind. Admittedly, I've not been working out as much lately, sadly. I was mainly working out using the DVR and Wii. We have Wii fit plus, and I'd recorded Bollywood Dance Workouts from FitTV on the DVR, as well as a handful of other workouts. I was working out like every other day. Then I didn't really workout anything but my arms (I would use some dumbells while watching tv) or on my exercise bike until last Saturday. Then I caught the Bollywood workouts in real time. I also really did a lot on my bike (normally I only do a few minutes) and other stuff. Well, I ached all over, especially in my abs, on Sunday. Grr. That grr is not because of the intensity of the workout, but because my abs were what I was working out the most a few weeks ago, but just a few weeks of being lax, and they ache like crazy doing the same kind of workout I'd been doing consistantly just two weeks before. Shows how much damage was done through inactivity.

Then on Tuesday, Tabby and I worked out together on all kinds of ways. I woke up yesterday really feeling it in my shoulders (the front of them, where my arms connect with like my collarbone) and my inner thighs, both areas that I have neglected a lot I guess up until now. Both areas are important though. All of my legs have to be strong, and my shoulders will be carrying a lot of the weight of the backpack (though my hips should bear most of it) when I hike.

Yesterday I took Sophie on a short walk. I really need to walk her more, because she needs to be shape too. Plus, it won't hurt me to work her out! :) Rat terriers apparently sleep more than other dogs (doesn't surprise me-- rat terriers are half cat, didn't you know?) so I wonder how that will translate into our hiking time. Shouldn't really hurt anything though. You tend to get up early and hike until like 4 to 6, so you have daylight left after you stop to make camp, get and treat water, make dinner, etc. But once we stop, all Sophie has to do is eat and sleep, while I run around putting up the tent and cooking and all.

I'm hoping for the following physical benefits of the trail:
Weight loss
Muscle gain
Improved Cardiovascular health
Help reprogram my circadian clock. Right now I'm nocturnal, but still respond to sun and singing birds just like any other human. So if I've just got a thin tent between me and the outside, the sun will probably wake me up. You really want to get up early, so you have daylight on your side. You can't safely hike in the dark, and while you might be able to set up camp (if, for example, you leave one camp site in late morning, you might not reach the other one until dusk, and then have to set up camp in the dark) you'll really annoy other hikers flashing your flashlight to make dinner and stuff.
Discipline

I'm hoping for the following spiritual benefits:
More time alone with God.
Having to rely on Him more tangibly to keep one safe and healthy and whole.
Self-discipline
Simplification of life and possessions.
Heightened awareness of His miraculous creations
More thankfulness in the little and every things.

Wow, Hey, Soon!

Wow, it's June!

I am at the Woodruff library awaiting the arrival of Tabitha. She should be coming soon, so I didn't want to get involved in anything I'd have trouble breaking myself away from, but I don't want to twiddle my thumbs either...

HEY! She's here.

Flowers Stephen gave me.

I've been dating Stephen, but we're not an official couple. I spent the day studying Romans and other Christian books. I'd love to elaborate but I've not seen Tabby in weeks, so, I'm going to give her my attention.

Soon! Soon in June I will actually do a decent sized post! :-P