Wednesday, September 29, 2010
I sat amongst this in the lime green plastic adirondack chair, happy to be alive. I read a novel by George MacDonald, pausing frequently to soak in the nature around me. God heals us through such beauty. Above me, the sky was that amazing, lovely blue it only is in autumn. The world was delighted because it got rain the past two days, after weeks of drought. So the greens were GREEN and the soil was dark with moisture. A vulture, then two, then nine were gliding above me. On earth, vultures are not attractive. In the air though, they are glorious, gliding on strong and elegant wings. Each fall, except last fall, for the past four or five years or so we've been the vulture's vacation home, getting congregations of hundreds of them. I can't be certain yet, but I think these nine are the first in an incoming wave. And therefore their presence simply said, 'We are here. It's that time again. We are nature' and nothing darker, despite their carrion identity.
My weary body has been plagued by an abundance of feminine ailments, to the point of light headedness, lately. But I slept yesterday away, awoke and ate iron rich foods, then slept another six hours to wake at nine am. I feel much better, though the condition prevails.
My mom talked to me over the weekend and told me I need to find a job. Financially, my family is not in good shape. I've been looking without success, but she's saying I NEED to find something soon. This week.
I'm just going on faith. God will lead me. And it's being confirmed. I love, love, love the daily Bible verse at the top of my blog each day. It's always so applicable. Today it is:
"If I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, even there your hand shall lead me, and your right hand shall hold me."
EVEN THERE your hand shall lead me. What assurance when the accuser in me is screaming I am lazy and not doing enough. God shall lead me to where His will for me is. He will provide for me, since I am His and depend on His Lordship. He will not forsake me.
And the other daily Bible verse, at the end of the myriads of things to the side of this blog is this:
'The man without the Spirit does not accept the things that come from the Spirit of God, for they are foolishness to him, and he cannot understand them, because they are spiritually discerned.” 1 Corinthians 2:14
Which is also comforting in this situation, because when I tell people God will provide, they try to stir me into a worrying, tumultuous fervor, convinced if I am not panicking in my unemployment, I am lazy or worthless. But to trust in the Lord is to do just that, and to abide in His peace, which He provides for those who seek Him.
Still, I ache to help my parents in this way and ask you to pray for a job for me.
Waiting is so hard. I constantly dream of the future lately, for in the present there is just so little going on. But there are butterflies and good books, and for that I am thankful. And my darling Ryan, who himself serves as a reminder that God does fulfill promises, for he is my cookie man. And Tabitha, an answer to prayer in her new earnestness to seek God and his ways. And the child in her womb, the fulfillment of the ache of her heart, and therefore an assurance he hears mine. And Keiko, with her love and prayers at Bible Study. And Lydia, with her friendship... and the list goes on. Little is happening, as far as action, but waiting itself is a work, and things are going on... but how hard it is to see! Thank God we have faith! (quite earnestly!)
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
My prayer all along was to get it if it was my beloved Lord's will, so I guess it wasn't. And therefore, it will be okay. His will is always to the good of those who love Him, and I do love Him.
I thought I'd update you with that, but am not really in a blogging mood. Not because of not getting the job, but because I am tired.
Remember the joy of the Lord is your strength, my brethren! Rejoice and take strength! And, as is often the case, the verse of the day on the side of this blog is so poignant: "Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD." Psalm 27:14
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
The interview went really well. I was sooo nervous. I couldn't sleep Saturday night, and I was nauseous for two and a half hours before the interview. I calmed down about twenty minutes prior, through prayer, but was still on edge a little until about seven or eight minutes into the interview. But I think the committee really liked me. One guy seemed to think I was too young.
I have to submit to a background and financial check and write an essay on how I can help this church go forward. I have written it, but not turned it in, I will do that tomorrow. I wanted to do it yesterday (the day after my interview) but after not sleeping Saturday night, I took a nap from 7 to 11pm Sunday. I got up and ate dinner, then was exhausted by 1am, too tired to write the essay. I just couldn't think. So I went to bed and thought I'd do it today, getting up early. But I couldn't get to sleep. Just could NOT sleep. I was wayyyy to tired to think or even stand up. But I just could not sleep. I did, at about 6am, finally get some ideas for the essay and jotted them down, but not in a skillful manner. I fell asleep around 7am.
I slept until 3:30 or so, then still didn't get out of bed until 5 because I felt awful.
I wrote the essay in the evening. I really, really wanted to turn it in Monday so I would be 'on top of things', but thinking about it my interview was at 3:30 Sunday, and actually didn't finish until 4pm. So in order to turn it in by 5pm Monday, when the office closes, I actually only had 25 hours. So it is perfectly reasonable of me to turn it in on Tuesday instead (no deadline was given.) I hope this doesn't reflect badly on me.
I thought about emailing the essay so it will be there when the pastor goes in at 8am. And I still might (it is 5am) but I just kind of want someone else to proofread it or something. Tabitha and Ryan have both looked at drafts. Ryan has seen the current draft, and he thinks it's good. Tabby went to bed hours ago and only really saw the first draft. I don't really want to show it to my parents because I don't think they'd understand it. It is very Jesus centered.
I miss Lydia. We talked today, but I wish she was around to read this draft. I didn't have it ready when she called for her to review, and she won't be able to review it before I turn it in. She is both very Christian and majored in writing in college, so she'd be perfect. Of course, that's not the only reason I miss her, but it definitely brings her to mind!
I also feel very sick, I suppose from my bad sleeping habits. It is also 'that time of the month' and I am very bloated and having difficultly keeping at a comfortable temperature.
Prayers are always appreciated! And continue to pray that little unborn baby Sadie Mae gets her kidneys!
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Ohhhhh I AM SO EXCITED!!! Please pray for me and the job and for the personnel committee. I mean, even if it's not God's will, I really hope they find the one who is the best person for the job. (And of course, I really, really hope that is me!)
My confidence is not very high though. Not about this job, just in general. My mom was asking me interview questions in the car and I got all flustered and couldn't avoid being negative and it was bad. Basically, instead of focusing on my strengths, I naturally focus on my flaws (and bemoan them). So I had to make a list of some of my strengths. I am still not sure how to answer the question 'what is your greatest weakness?' without being negative. But some of my strengths are:
I am flexible/adaptable-- not only can I do this, I strive in the kinds of atmospheres that requires this in me.
I enjoy people. Like genuinely.
I am a very analytical.
I care deeply/am empathetic.
I have integrity.
I type very, very fast.
I learn quickly.
I am intelligent.
I am articulate and write well.
Now I just have to keep these in my brain more then my flaws... which I could list, but then they'd be in my brain and that'd be bad.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
So today I got a call from a job! It's not a job offer yet, just feeling me out. It's for a church secretary position Woodruff. The pastor called me to chat for a minute, then said he'd email me a job description. I reviewed it thoroughly, and prayed, and contacted him back telling him that's what I'd done, and that with God's help, I think I could do this job.
So the ball is back in his court. I really hope I get it. It'd be awesome. A lot of responsibility, but if God sees fit to give this job to me, I'll be relying on Him to help me through. I'm excited, and a little bit trepidatious. But even if I don't get this job it's encouraging to hear back from a job again. About a month ago I heard back from several jobs, which excited me and made me think I'd get one soon. But nothing panned out, and I'd not heard from one since. But now I have, and so even if I don't get this job, at least it's encouraging that I'm not just sending my resumes out into a void.
Tomorrow, my friend Hannah will see the doctor about her baby and her kidneys (read my last post if you don't know what I'm talking about). Hannah and her husband have named her little unborn girl 'Sadie Mae'. Please pray Sadie Mae gets her kidneys. You'll be joining your prayers with hundreds, if not thousands of others.
Friday, September 10, 2010
Hannah and her husband are Christians. Actually, he's a pastor and they just planted a church in Woodruff. Christians, lift them up. Because quite honestly, this is not beyond God. Her daughter is not dead, she's still growing and developing, she's just not done it the normal way.
Even if her daughter does not survive, God will be glorified, but why should she die? Hundreds of people are currently praying for this baby and her parents. God would be glorified through her life. So let us not limit God by saying this is impossible. It would be impossible for ANY baby to be born without God. He forms them all!
So this is a call to prayer and a call to greater faith. Because I belief, but Lord help my unbelief. Let us have true faith and lay Hannah's baby at your feet. Perhaps it is entirely your intention that she shares a name with Hannah, mother of Samuel, whose womb was closed until she prayed to you and you faithfully answered her request for a child.
Thursday, September 9, 2010
I'm thinking about grad school in Vancouver. Not like today... or next year... but like sometime in the next ten years, maybe. If God calls me to it.
It's just I found a grad school for the first time I'd actually want to go to... even if it is in Vancouver. And actually, apparently Vancouver is gorgeous. And Ryan likes the Pacific Northwest and big cities. So he'd be happy there too. Cause if I did go, it'd be after I'm married. I mean, I know I'm sort of jumping the gun since I'm not engaged, but I mean, if we're talking like ten years from now, I sure hope I'm married!
Something's wrong with me, physically. But I'm just placing it in God's hands. But I'd appreciate prayer, thank you. Ryan and I aren't getting to talk enough because I am resting.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?
"And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."
Our Jesus said that. I keep worrying about a job. And I do need to be searching for one. That's one of those 'troubles of today.' But while I look and apply for them, I need have no worry about getting, not getting, or missing the information for a job that God intends for me to have. I have assurance in God that when the time comes, He'll provide. So I take a deep breath and smile.
But all the time people are telling me, get a job. And if I tell them I am looking and applying, they question what I'm applying to. There's this attitude of, you're not doing enough, you're lazy, you're snobby, you're just not doing enough.
But Jesus says breathe. And don't worry. God provides.
And so when my blood pressure starts to raise-- which it does whenever anyone mentions applying for jobs because I am VERY aware I need one-- I turn to Jesus and breathe. Or at least, that's what I'm trying to do. Sometimes I forget.
And then I don't look worried enough for people. They worry for me and expect me to worry, worry, worry. So if I don't, they assume I am irresponsible and awful.
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
I just got off the phone with my friend Lydia. I miss her. She's in California and we only get to talk once a week. Still, it's good to talk to her at all. She is really going for the Lord, you know? She always settles my spirit into a good place. Well, nearly always. And she did today. It is such a blessing to have friends like that in your life, and I have a few.
I opened the Bible and found this, and now am pondering it:
"And where these have been forgiven, there is no longer any sacrifice for sin. Therefore, brothers, since we have confidence to enter the Most Holy Place by the blood of Jesus, by a new and living way opened for us through the curtain, that is, his body, and since we have a great priest over the house of God, let us draw near to God with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience and having our bodies washed with pure water. Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful. And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds." Hebrews 10:18-24
As is my habit, I share it with you. The next part is more sobering:
"Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching. If we deliberately keep on sinning after we have received the knowledge of the truth, no sacrifice for sins is left, but only a fearful expectation of judgment and of raging fire that will consume the enemies of God. Anyone who rejected the law of Moses died without mercy on the testimony of two or three witnesses. How much more severely do you think a man deserves to be punished who has trampled the Son of God under foot, who has treated as an unholy thing the blood of the covenant that sanctified him, and who has insulted the Spirit of grace? For we know him who said, "It is mine to avenge; I will repay," and again, "The Lord will judge his people." It is a dreadful thing to fall into the hands of the living God. " Hebrews 10:25-31
I struggle with sin, and this convicts me. Should I be fearfully expecting judgment and raging fire? I turn to the last part:
"Remember those earlier days after you had received the light, when you stood your ground in a great contest in the face of suffering. Sometimes you were publicly exposed to insult and persecution; at other times you stood side by side with those who were so treated. You sympathized with those in prison and joyfully accepted the confiscation of your property, because you knew that you yourselves had better and lasting possessions. So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised. For in just a very little while,
"He who is coming will come and will not delay.
But my righteous one will live by faith.
And if he shrinks back,
I will not be pleased with him."But we are not of those who shrink back and are destroyed, but of those who believe and are saved." Hebrews 10:32-39
And I realize that this is a call to perseverance, endurance, and to not 'shrink back'. And I soberly, humbled, gird my loins and say 'I will persist, O Lord, with your help.' Progress is the law of the kingdom, and I pray I am making some.
I am definitely at war with the powers of darkness. I know the war is won, and I just can't let this battle be lost! And it will be, if I fight it. Instead, I have to let Jesus fight it, in me. So complicated. So simple. Sighs.
PS. So I publish this, and as I'm glancing at the finished product I notice this little gem on the side of my blog under 'Scripture.' I think, wow, yes, that totally goes, and so I had to come back and add a post script.
"For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline."
2 Timothy 1:7
Monday, September 6, 2010
2 Corinthians 12:9
This is the verse that keeps coming back. Does that ever happen with you? God keeps coming at you with the same verse or message or something? Then you know you need to REALLY pay attention.
I am very aware of my weaknesses. And that is good. Because I can say, 'You know what? I suck at this. I fail a lot. I cannot stand on my own. Therefore, should you see me do it well, succeed, or stand, you know it through the power and grace of my Lord and Beloved one.'
That's my message. That's my life. That's how I bring Jesus glory. Which is totally like one of the main reasons we all exist.
I saw this verse again and thought, okay. I definitely need to blog and share. Which I've done now.
Add to that two recent engagements, a wedding, and two people starting graduate school, and it's really quite striking how many people I know who are having these big life changing events. Some bigger than others, but still.
Anyway, that was certainly a tangent.
When I see all this stuff happening, I'm really happy for everyone. It's exciting. I'm not really jealous, just a tad impatient. Everyday is basically the same. I wake. I probably get online and talk to Ryan. I eat. I watch tv or read a book, sometimes both. Somedays I apply for jobs (dependent mainly on finding ones I'm qualified for that are close to me). Occassionally I hang out with Tabitha. I do some chore, like dishes or cooking dinner.
That's basically it.
I'm not really complaining. I'm just pondering... why? Today on facebook someone put in their status that they know that God has a plan even when they don't. And that is what I stand on. I know that there is a plan and a reason for what's going on.
Today I was reading in my favorite book, outside the Bible, God Calling. And I felt renewed. I felt like coming on the blog and telling you that today is a new day. I want to announce it. I want to say, tomorrow is gone. From this day forward, I live anew.
And so I have.
Progress is the law of heaven, of the eternal life in the kingdom. And treasures stored there are not plagued by rust and corruption. The devil tells me because of my current failings, my past sucesses are null and void. The devil lies. I remember the past joys. I remember God breathing into my soul and I sink into the security of that. I remember the good, discard the bad like chaff, and robe myself in my Father's glory. Today is new. Today is now. Today is eternal. His peace in me, I forward stride, and I have confidence. In Him are plans for my future. I will trust His providence and timing. Life changing moments don't always involve external events.
So God bless you all, for life. "And this is life eternal, that they might know thee the only true God, and Jesus Christ, whom thou hast sent.." John 17:3
Sunday, September 5, 2010
So, last year I celebrated by doing some statistics in Whoa! Over a Year!. I think I'll do that again.
Number of total entries for the last year: 83
Month with the most entries: October 2009 (14)
Months I did not blog at all: ZERO (much improved since last year)
Month I blogged the least: August 2010 (2)
Average number of blogs per month: 6.9
All right. That's enough statistics. I love you all and hope you're having a happy blogiversary too!
Friday, September 3, 2010
Or at least by people growing them.
It may have started last year when Stephanie and Jeff from Bible Study had their son, Luke. But I know it really hit me when Grace and Jacob announced they were pregnant. They just had their son, Daniel, on Friday. I am so excited for them.
Then Hannah, who was one of my best friends in high school (though we really on talk on facebook now) got pregnant. She's 19 weeks along right now.
Then Lydia's sister Esther got pregnant. She's about four months along.
Then Tabitha got pregnant. She's 9 weeks now.
Then my cousin Kirk and his wife Deborah just announced that they're pregnant! She's due in May. They only got married this past May!
Additionally there's several other people on facebook who are pregnant.
So clearly, I am surrounded.
Grace was my first close friend to have a baby. (I've had other friends, like Stephanie, have babies, but Grace is the first *close* one.) It really hit me. And now I think about babies. And not just think about them, they seem to be mentioned all the time! For example, I've started following A Practical Wedding, this awesome blog, and she just did some killer entries on having kids or not.
Before, I liked kids, but I was 'eh' about babies. Actually when little Luke was born, I was like 'oohhh, he's cute... okay, I'm done now.' Well, I didn't SAY that. But he just didn't enthrall me.
But now I really like babies. And it's weird.
Ryan and I talk about having kids. By the normal way or adoption. Or really, and. Cause I want to do both. But I think that's for another blog entry.
Understand, I mean we talk about having kids in a hypothetical future where we're married, not now. Anyway, things have happened to distract me since I started this post, so I shall leave it as it is, even if it's more a compilation of events then my opinions on said events.
"For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen."
-2 Corinthians 4:17-18
Yeah. You know how perfect that is. And I have faith it's true. Fixing my eyes on what's unseen. I don't understand, obviously, why I seem to be like the catch 22 queen, but I am grateful for the food in my tummy, the roof over my head, and for Ryan. And Sophie. And Tabitha. And my parents. And so many others.
And even for you. And this blog. God, thank you for all these things. For your wisdom and guidance, especially, which comes in so many forms. Even verse of the days at the side of blogs.
Well, not Monday. Monday was the day I talked about in my last post, and quite a bit happened.
However, the next day, Tabitha, Jeremy, and I (with perhaps one other person) were going to see a movie. They had free movie passes to a screening of a movie. But Tabitha fell asleep. And so she slept right through and it didn't happen. We had a netflix movie that had arrived on Saturday. I had wanted to watch it the night before, but my parents didn't, so I went to bed early.
Wednesday was supposed to be movie night with my parents. Well, Wednesday afternoon Mom went to sent back the other netflix movie we had in the house, and accidentally sent back the one we hadn't seen. Seriously. And there was nothing on tv on Wednesday (except baseball, which I loathe and seems to be on at all times lately). So I went to bed early.
Today is Thursday. The only plans I had for Thursday was meeting people at a ministry in Spartanburg. On Friday, Janie, (not to be confused with Jane or Jane lol) who I go to Bible Study with, had asked the women there to help her. A ministry she knew about was evangelizing, but was having trouble finding anyone to do follow ups. She said it could even be on the phone. As I have no car, but do have a heart to help, 'on the phone' made me volunteer right away. She said she wanted me to at least meet the people, so she'd pick me up on Thursday. In the mean time she'd send me an email about the ministry.
So today, still no email, nor any calls about going tonight. So at five pm (the meeting was at like 6) I texted her. She apparently had emailed me on Monday. And she was leaving for the weekend. She resent the email and I got the information. It seems however, that the ministry got people to do what I was volunteering to do, and they mainly need money. As I've been unemployed for about five months now, I don't actually have a dime to my name. Literally. So I can't help that way. I think Janie still wants me to help next week, which I'll try, but the only reason this ministry was an option for me was the key words 'on the phone', because with no car, nor a driver's license, I have no way to help anyone otherwise. (I'd go into why I have no driver's license, but it's a long story. I didn't lose it, I never had one. I had a permit, but it just expired.)
And tomorrow, the only thing to look forward to is Bible Study. Friday is always wonderful because of Bible Study. But Suzanne, who hosts it, can't host it this week. And with Grace and Jacob busy with their new baby, Jane A helping them, Janie going away for the weekend, and who know if the other Jane and her family and Jackie and the others have plans? So Bible Study was cancelled.
And Tabitha works all weekend, only on the weekends, now. Aside from those in Bible Study, she's the only way I get out of the house anymore. We can never hang out on the weekend, so I have plans Saturday. We sometimes hang out on Sunday evenings after she gets off, but I never can count on that.
So basically I have done nothing of any productive value and no socialization since Monday, and it doesn't look like I will again until next Monday at the earliest.
Part of me wants to ask my parents just to take me into town (it'd be Woodruff, since it's not that far out of our way) to do something. That is, probably to hang out at the Turtle Parfait with my laptop. I used to do that at a lot. But I was working then, or had just lost my job (my last job was a temporary job, I wasn't laid off) and had the money to buy at least a soda. Now I have nothing. And my parents are really broke. The dogs are out of food, and we don't have the money to buy their food this week. We won't let them starve, we'll buy some small bag of really cheap food that's not good for them to tide us over until next paycheck, but I feel guilty even thinking of asking them to give me money enough to eat at the Turtle. I could go to the library, and maybe I will, but I'd definitely have to bring food. And the library's internet is not very fast at all, though faster than dial up which is all I currently have available to me.
So what does God mean by all this? I mean, it was bad enough having no job, money, or transportation. Now I have nothing to do all day each day? Too much is being cancelled for me to think it's a coincidence.
The one bright spot is Ryan. I get to talk to him everyday, praise God. He's wonderful, and I'm falling more and more in love with him.
Hey! My mom is going to Costco. I'm going to go so I can join her. It'll be my first time out of the house since Monday... which really isn't so bad, I've gone two weeks without getting out of the house. But if I want to go I have to go NOW, so bye!