I have made a pact with myself. Apply for one job a day, minimum. This is day three, and I applied for two today before I felt burned out. I despise the job hunt, but I need to do it. Otherwise, I spend one day frantically applying for three or four jobs, and then don't want to do it for a week. This slow and steady approach will get it more out there. I revamped my resume, and I just put the updated one on monster. I'm also a member of LinkedIn and BranchOut, though they've not been much help.
God's been directing me to be less lazy, and also I am utterly convinced I'm going to marry Ryan. Ryan feels the same way. We're not engaged yet, but all in good time, God's time.
Speaking of engagements, my cousin Matthias, one of my cousins I visited in Kansas City a year and a half ago and blogged about just got engaged. He and his fiancee, who I met when I was there though she was just his very good friend then, are getting married June 27th. That's the third wedding I've been invited to in that month period! I'm hoping to go to all three.
I don't know if I mentioned it, but the other cousin I visited, Kirk, he got married last May and he and his wife are expecting a little girl soon. It's exciting. Hey! If I can make it to Matthias's wedding, I'll get to meet her!
I really need some fellowship. I missed Bible Study last Friday because of a miscommunication in coordinating my ride. Also, because of Lydia and Sarah's illness when I visited them, we didn't get the fellowship I expected. I thought Lydia, Sarah, and I would be just melding in God together for a few days, then I'd go to my relatives high on the Holy Spirit. I did get some fellowship in, of course, but I haven't felt 'full' for like a month or so... though Ryan and I had a great time before I left for New Jersey. Great bonding in God. Just awesome. (Smiles happily at the memory.)
I love him so!
We've been talking about the future. If we don't win some major cash prize or I get a very good paying job SOON, we'll start our future in India. Which is something to really think about. The visa process for him to come here requires much of me financially, so they don't have to worry about him being a risk. For me to go to India, there is not such concerns. However, it comes with its hardships as well, because in at most three months after moving here, Ryan can seek employment and help me out. If I go to India, I am not legally allowed to work for a year. And Ryan makes a decent wage for a single man, but not for a man supporting a wife. I'm not really afraid of poverty, but he hates the idea of his wife being subjected to it. Being poor in India is not like being poor here, and the areas we could afford to live, they aren't really safe for women to walk alone. But Ryan is seeking a promotion, so it may all work out.
Ryan's feeling he's got cause to plan for our future. That makes me nervous, as God has directed me not to plan very much. Preparation is okay, planning is frowned upon. Not forbidden, but highly discouraged, especially since 90% of my plans fall flat on their face, as I've talked about in this blog in the past. That caused me to really look into the Bible to find evidence and what I've found is God wants us to prepare, but only wants us to plan if he specifically warns/directs us to (like Joseph planning for the 7 years of famine). But Ryan seems to think God's directing him, so I trust his relationship with our mutual Lord. Also, it makes me feel warm and fuzzy to think he's taking the initiative to lead the beginning of our life together, being a good, responsible, godly man.
I have to remind myself, God provides. For ALL our needs. Therefore if there is a genuine need, he will provide! If he doesn't, we need to evaluate our definition of 'genuine need'!
I still haven't fully absorbed that I am now twenty-five. You know what hit me today? I've been an adult for SEVEN years now. How crazy is that?
I admit it's hard to keep the self-condemning thoughts away. I am 25 and unemployed, without a job, driver's license, or car. I live with my parents and they support me in all financial ways. I sound like a real loser, huh?
But I also know that I do seek God. And God promises a) If you seek, you will find. And b) He will guide our paths! Therefore, if I am genuinely seeking Him, He's guiding my path. And since I really, honestly don't feel called to another path right now then the one I'm on, then I am where God wants me to be right now. So how can I be a loser? :)
I have to keep reminding myself of that.
I don't remember of someone once told me or I read it somewhere or maybe I thought it up, but I remember an illustration to help us feel grateful for what we do have (I am grateful, but I feel guilty because I know I don't deserve it-- but all we Christian sinners know God's path is not about getting what we deserve or we'd all be damned, right?) and to help us keep perspective about comparing ourselves to others, especially unbelievers. Because when you meet someone who's life seems picture perfect, who has achieved goals you've only dreamed of, and who you seem to measure up to very, very poorly, there's something to keep in mind.
If, in the currency of worth, my life is worth 20 units and my neighbor's is worth 16,788 units, I feel small and petty... But Jesus is worth 7,777,777,777,777,7777 to the power of 7,777,7777,777,777,7777 plus infinity. And as his own, He lives in me. That means my value is 7,777,777,777,777,7777 to the power of 7,777,7777,777,777,7777 plus infinity plus 20. Comparing that to 16,788 and feeling inadequate? Preposterous!
In terms of human and material things, I may seem a failure. But in eternal ways, I am a winner in every way. Selah.