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Saturday, April 16, 2011

I Must Become Less

I got a call this afternoon, and I didn't get the job.

I admit, I'm surprised. Not because I thought I got it, but because I thought I'd gotten a second interview. The woman who interviewed told me she'd either call me to say I got a second interview or I didn't get it.

I admit, I am down. I have been unemployed for over a year now. It's getting to me. But the week it became a year was the week this job contacted me, and I admit I thought it was God swooping in. Especially when I found my expensive interview blazer which I lost for forever. I looked and looked and couldn't find it over several weeks. Then the night before the interview, I was about to go to bed, and I prayed one last time 'Please Jesus, please let me find my blazer'... and I did!

I really thought that meant God had blessed me for this job. And then when I got there, the atmosphere was so lovely. It's a family business, and everyone seemed nice, and I even saw a frame with 'Faith. Hope. Love.' on a shelf in the office I was interviewed in, so I'm pretty sure they're Christian (or at least one is) so I was really hoping.

Plus, it was perfect for me. I was entirely fitted for it. Nothing they said I felt I couldn't do, and do well. It seemed right up my alley and I think I'd even enjoy it.

However, I guess it wasn't to be.

I already felt down before this happened. Not entirely sure why, but I just feel glum. Hormones, probably. Maybe spiritual. Or a combination thereof. But I've just felt bleh for over 24 hours, then this happened.

Truth is, my hope is not gone. I'm not despairing. My outlook is the same. I really feel like God's got a plan. But I still feel glum.

Also, I think Ryan's employment situation also being unsteady right now... it's not helping.

I just want to fast forward a little bit. Be married to Ryan, or at least in active wedding planning. Get to my future.

But God doesn't let us fast forward. There's a reason for now. Plus, we can't be positive about our future. I am sure Ryan is the guy handpicked for me by God for me, and I am the woman handpicked for him... but I am not guaranteed we actually get to marry. Maybe this relationship of phone calls, fb chat, texts and the occasional video chat are all we get. It's still better than nothing, and I praise God for it. But I want to wrap my arms around him, kiss him, love him, have children with him. But it's not in my hands.

I want to know why. God doesn't always tell us why. Some people will tell you He never does, but that's not true. It is true it's totally His choice though. But this isn't my only long bout with unemployment. The last time I was unemployed for 11 months, so this is the longest, but during that time I did feel I got an answer of 'why' and that answer was Tabitha. She was going through a hard time (well really a series of short bad times punctuated by normal) and because I was unemployed, I was available to her at a drop of a hat. And I got to just be there for her, which was a joy, and last summer she renewed her life to Christ. It wasn't because of me, but I do believe Christ worked through me to aid the process that was happening in her along.

But this time? I don't know why I'm unemployed. I just don't know.

However, when I came to the blog this evening I am met by this verse of the day:

"He must become greater; I must become less."

John 3:30

I love that, I love how God just makes this website pick a random verse of the day and makes it ring true with me. I am becoming less, or at least I'm trying to... He's humbling me. I adore how it says 'must'. It's not an option. I must become less. He's making me less in the eyes of the world so I can cling to Him for any worth I have. He's searching me, He's doing something...

And as I've said before, I am SO aware of my flaws and weaknesses lately.

So yes, Lord, be greater, and help me become less. And give me the courage and comfort to shrink, because I'm struggling here, and you're my only Savior.

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