Friday, August 19, 2011

"For Realz"

My day was not great.  I have a sleeping disorder, which causes people to resent me. That makes me resent them, because believe me, if I could wave a magic wand and not have a sleeping disorder I would.
Me, right now.
So that's why I've been on a stay up all night, sleep all day schedule. It's actually my 'natural' sleep default. If I impose no hours on myself I always default back to roughly the same schedule: fall asleep 6:30-8:30 am, wake up 8 hours later.  That's my circadian rhythym.  I can, if I need to, force myself to live a "normal" schedule, but it's like living on a 3rd shift schedule for me.  I can do it, but I don't thrive, and my body crashes back to my normal if I get sick, overtired, etc. It's a constant battle, and it makes me miserable.

I wouldn't be that unhappy if people would understand and let me have reprieves from the battle when there's no need to fight. I am unemployed, and while I'd gladly change my schedule for a job (as I have before) I don't have one.  So theoretically, I should be able to give in to my body, and let sleep not be the enemy, and live in my normal for once, right?

But every time I do, I draw resentment from my family, especially my mother. So it's either fight with my body, or fight with my family.  It depends on my health at the moment which battle I pick, but I admit it wears me out that I have to choose one. I have tried to talk to my family about it, but they refuse to acknowledge the struggle I have and insist that if I loved them I'd try harder.  (I can feel the emotional fatigue this causes me as I type that.)

But lately, I have chosen nature, and I've been on a stay up all night schedule. It's just not in me right now to fight my biology.  So this morning, as I was supposed to be sleeping (after an encounter with my mother, where she screamed at me for not having fallen asleep hours earlier) I couldn't. Because I have having heavy menstrual cramps (don't worry, it was scheduled). But it was so bad I was crying. But I stayed in my room, because I feared going out to the main bulk of the house because I thought I'd be yelled at.  Such has become my existence.

So finally, I realize I am not going to be able to sleep.  It's like 2pm I think. So I come out and tell my mother and sister that I've never slept, and why.  Instantly my mother begins interrogating me and then yelling at me.  I won't go into it, but I storm back to my room and sobbed hysterically.

I am not trying to paint my family as villains. I am not perfect. They do have reasons to resent me.  I am absentminded and so very, very vulnerable lately.  My confidence is gone. Every teasing joke, every offhand comment is like a knife to the heart, so if someone actually gets angry or confronts me, I am shattered.  I am so very, very broken right now.

I called Ryan and sobbed to him, and great man that he is, he prayed with me and directed me to ignore my family, and go outside and sit in the grass and spend some alone time with our Lord.  Which I did.

I have to admit, with the exception of Ryan, it felt like everyone was against me.  Even the Lord, a little. Not that I felt He was against me personally, but I prayed for a Bible verse of comfort and opened the Bible and landed on a violent verse about the wicked being punished and deserving it.  I feel wicked, so I was shaken. Ryan told me to set the Bible down and just pray instead, and when I did that, God rushed in and comforted me.  And later I reminded myself that while I am wicked, the blood of Jesus and the grace of God is indeed sufficient for me. So somehow, by mind blowing miracle, I am not the wicked anymore.  How is that? Incredible.

But sometimes I still act like I am.  I finally got to sleep, then woke up tonight. Because I had fallen asleep so late, I didn't wake up until like 1am, and the rest of the family was going to bed. My light was switched off, which I couldn't remember doing, but I thought "I guess someone did it while I slept to save energy costs." No big deal. But I had to turn it on and leave it on, because I knew later, when I go to bed, I need it on.  My room is not pristinely clean, and I know myself and I would hurt myself in the dark trying to go to bed.  I pulled the chain in the light (which is part of a ceiling fan) and stumbled out to go to the bathroom.  Our house has a strange layout, and you have to walk through my sister's bedroom to get to mine.  So as I passed through her bedroom she said "You have to turn that light off! I can't sleep with it on!"  I was taken aback, groaning in my head.

See, Alison just moved back home. She's been living elsewhere for years, so except for holidays, she's not in her room. I'm just not used to that.

The ac in my room is broken. It only broke like four days ago. But consequently, we'd talked about leaving the door open between our two rooms for the time being, for airflow.  So the light in my room was lighting hers up.

I said, "I'm not going back and turning it off right this minute." I had to pee! And I had just woken up about thirty seconds ago, and my brain was having trouble catching up to the situation.

She said she couldn't hear me. She had like earphones or bluetooth or something hooked up to her cellphone, which had her fiance on the line.  I repeated what I said, but when she said she couldn't hear me again, I just left and went to the bathroom. I figured it would take at most three minutes, and I'd come back and just close the door between our rooms.  I really couldn't turn the light off, because I would hurt myself later. I would have explained that to her before, but she couldn't even understood what I'd said.

So as soon as I came back, I opened Alison's door... to see that she'd gotten up and turned off my light. I groaned and chided her.

"What!?" she yelled at me, and berated me on how she couldn't sleep.

"I was just going to close the door!" I yelled back. I was hardly awake. I don't know how well you wake up, but none of us are cheerful, and Mom especially you can't talk to about anything serious within half an hour or she blows up at you. I'm not that bad, but I'd not been up five minutes yet and the grace to handle being screamed at was still asleep (it rarely wakes up in me, though, I admit).  I stumbled through my room in the dark (with her yelling at me for leaving the hallway door open, which I yelled back that I needed the light.)  During the exchange, I think I called her an "idiot".

I got to the ceiling fan/light and pulled the switch. Nothing.

"You turned it off at the switch, you freak?!" I screamed.  Overreaction, I know.  But remember, there's no ac in my room. So not only did she not care if I broke my neck to bed later, she was totally okay with the air in my room stagnating and heating up.  Also, she'd just watched me stumble in the dark to the middle of the room, when the switch is by the door.

So now, I'd pulled the chain. So I had to go to the switch and flip it back on, then go back to the middle. Where I discovered somehow one of my lightbulbs had burned out between me leaving the room and coming back. I'm screaming at Alison and fighting back tears at this point.  Overreaction again, I admit. But after the day before, it felt like a sign I don't deserve any consideration or any good at all.

I shut the door between my room and hers, and her room returned to darkness.  "Just shut the door! See!?" I yelled as I left.

Instantly, the voice in my head is telling me how horrible and evil I am. I called my sister an idiot and a freak.  I remembered Jesus' words, "But whoever says, ‘You fool!’ shall be in danger of hell fire.". I feel condemned.  I get sick to my stomach. I think of what a horrible Christian witness I am and how if my sister never finds Christ, it's my fault.  I try not to listen, but I don't know how.

I try to pull myself together by getting a drink, only to find we're out of lemonade. Not a big deal, but I really wanted something cold, and that was the only thing in the fridge and we're out of ice.  I make more lemonade and feel the nauseous, anxious pit in my stomach which barely goes away anymore grow.

This feels like my everyday now. I am shutting down.  The longer I stay in this anxious state, the worse of a human being I feel like.  I feel like I'm being refined, but instead of finding gold in me, all God is finding is dross. There's nothing worth salvaging.

So then I come online and read blogs and find two that get me.  One is about the tongue, and words that are said.  It's from Kimberly of A Planting of the Lord, a woman I dearly admire and hope to meet because I won a book from her and it turns out we don't live that far apart and we've talked about meeting up to get it. The book is about finding a confident heart from the Lord, so I probably need it badly.  This post I'm referencing was very convicting, but in that gentle way that is from the Lord who doesn't bread bruised reeds, not the attacking way of the accuser in my head.  I'm such a bruised reed right now.

And then also, Courtney at Storing Up Treasures, who almost always makes me smile or cry with her posts, who started a link up called For Realz.  So I'm linking up, even though she started it yesterday, so maybe nobody will read it from that. Still, I feel like link ups are a way I "put myself out there" which is something I'm struggling with lately.

I'm pretty sure I've developed an anxiety disorder. A year and a half of unemployment is the main culprit. And I've never dealt with things that make me anxious well before it. It's just my confidence in my ability to do anything has been shattered. I feel like a shell most days.

Except when I talk to Ryan.  And I admit sometimes I wish I could take the remote of the movie of my life and fastfoward to India, where I'm his wife and the  mistress of my own home. And I won't feel like the failure or burden I do now, and I'll have adventures outside my doorstep, and I'll know I'm in God's Will.

Yeah, that's what I'm looking forward to right now.  I just want to run away.

1 comment:

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