Friday, October 28, 2011
My bank account has been in the negative for almost a month, accruing fees daily. Next week the same bill that the made it go under is due again. And there's no end in sight. I'm sinking in a deeper and deeper hole and I have no hope but in God. I had a job interview at the beginning of the month and I thought "I'll totally get this job and that'll be God's provision". I didn't get it. It's been over 18 months of unemployment and I'm waiting, and I'm weary, and even thinking about job hunting makes me want to throw up from anxiety at this point.
Ryan and I following God, and following His replies to our prayers. It's amazing that He's answered! He is gracious and kind. He guides us. He's given us guidance on what to do next! But what He's calling us towards, we're pursuing it... and the next steps require money.
Ryan left his last job to find a better paying one. I can't legally work for the first year in India, and so he has to be able to make enough money to support both of us and pay my debt from college. He's been looking for a few weeks. If he doesn't have a job by Monday, he'll start looking at a type of job he's had before, but hated. He thinks he can find a job of that sort easily, and it'll pay enough... but he'll hate it everyday. I'm praying out of love for him it doesn't come to that, but I am also so very glad the Indian economy has "Plan B" jobs like that. America doesn't seem to...
And everyday, I've been coming on here and blogging on the Psalms and all to often the psalmist is wailing "Where are you, God?" Truth is, I hadn't been thinking that. God is totally present here. He's just not given me a financial solution. But He's been feeding me spiritually, providing for me in so many ways. And I trust Him. I really, really do.
It's a "I believe but help my unbelief" situation. I do belief God will come through. But I can feel my faith stretching and it's getting painful. I'm not usually this "flexible", I feel like I'm going to pull a faith muscle here. But if I do, God will heal it. He really is my only hope.
I get so confused lately. And beat up. I'm so aware of my lack of wisdom. And He's been coming through! I know how grateful I should be for what I have. If my parents weren't so gracious I'd be homeless and starving. If I lived in another country, they'd throw me in debtor's prison. But I can feel the disconcent, the dissatisfaction, the bitterness rising in me. I have to keep fighting it to take it over. Whenever I hear someone talking about "rich Americans, we're so fortunate" and lectures on giving, giving, giving I get angry. I want to give. I want to pour myself out for others. I have Christ in me, and He makes me ache to help others. But all I have is my words right now. I can't even go be with other people if they can't come to me, because I don't have a car. I live so remotely, it's a burden for friends to spend time with me. Most of the things I own are wearing out, so they're not even fit to give away. My debt is rising. And the more I feel like this, the less I have to offer to others, because I'm having to spend so much of my inner resources, the only thing I have right now, to not let Self take over. I fail sometimes.
Yet God's been so merciful. He is the balm of my soul. He does grab me and loves me and calms me. He does show up. He is so gracious, so sustaining. I ache for my peers going through this without Him. How can they do it? According to the census, one in five in my generation is unemployed. I'm not alone in this, I'm not unique. How can they do it without Him? I feel for them, and that makes me reflect on the awesomeness of God. And I feel peace, and I know waiting on God is never fruitless. He will come through.
But each day I come on and read these whiny Psalms and now I'm starting to feel it rise up in me. This
"God, don't you care about what I need?" feelings. But I say no to them. And I continue to put my faith in God. Because what else can I do?
God is my GOD. He's my sovereign King. He is my Savior. He will come in. He will save. HE IS FAITHFUL!
And He is God. He can do whatever He wants. Maybe He doesn't give me the money... but He'll come through in some way. I don't understand how He works. But I love Him. And I believe that if I do what He asks, He'll take care of me. I'm His child.
I choose Him. Every time.