I come to you broken.
What started out as a joyful morning quickly turned to disappointment.
This week, I applied for four jobs. I heard back from three. That's never happened before. I was celebrating. I went on an interview on Wednesday. That job is still a possibility. It is not all bad news.
The other two jobs were scams. I had Ryan check my email last night, because I realized after I went to bed I hadn't checked it. I'd emailed with the one job earlier in the week, and I wanted to see if they'd responded. They had. They were offering me training. This was after their HR department and I had had correspondence. I had Ryan click the link to their training (online) and from that, he ran the name of the company at the top through the search engine. Came up legit. Checked with the better business bureau. Came up legit.
Meanwhile, the third job was also in my inbox, awaiting me.
I rejoiced. I couldn't sleep but a couple hours, because I was so excited. I tried not to "count my chickens before they hatched". With 18 months of unemployment, I do that all too often.
"God is showing up!" I said to Ryan, awe in my voice. The job was a part time one, and I could do it and a full time job if my interview or the third job panned out. I could go from no income to two jobs, potentially! I could bring my bank account back into the black. I could pay for my passport. Maybe Ryan and I really can afford a wedding...
Ryan encourages me to celebrate, but I say no. I've been disappointed too many times. "But this time tomorrow, maybe," I tell him, because I know that as soon as I wake up I'm checking this out for myself.
I get up. I tell my mother. All excited, I get online.
I realize that the company Ryan thought was going to hire me? No. They are legit, but they're not the ones who emailed me. Instead, the ones emailing me are just using a legit company's software.
I look back at the email. I'd asked Ryan what the company was and he'd looked at that link. But I see below the person's signature another company name. A quick trip to google reveals that all the top results are 'scam alert' websites.
I am crestfallen.
I go and check the other job offer. Maybe that one is good? They ask me to go check out their facebook page and include a link. I click it. It asks me to login to facebook. I do... it takes me to my facebook newsfeed. Huh? I go back ot my email and click it again.... again, newsfeed.
Expletive. This was a phishing scam for my facebook account information. I do a scan of the computer. It doesn't seem to have installed anything, it comes up clean. No keylogger. So I just change my fb password.
I've got a negative bank balance, accruing fees daily I've no way of clearing up. I've got a future I know God is leading me towards... a future that requires money.
I do believe He'll provide. I do believe He's faithful. And I still haven't heard back from the other job.
I praise God. I believe in Him.
I'm still crestfallen. I'm still broken. I feel foolish. (Who'd want to hire me anyway? whispers a voice inside me. Can't believe you'd be so gullible to think they would. Nobody does. Obviously.)
No! I fight that. I am a child of God. And I do work. I just don't have a material income right now. But God has been blessing me spiritually. He has been giving me resources and connections to prepare for the next step in my life. And being used to poverty, as I really am now, that is probably a valuable life skill in this world. I see my never-had-to-worry-about-money friends unable to appreciate a day of sunshine and nothing else. I see my friends who've had cars since they were sixteen impatient if something takes five minutes, so bustling they hurry through the best things in life. I see a lack of creativity come from always being able to pay for the stuff you want... you have to improvise if you're poor. I know I'm blessed.
I know there are people actually starving out there. I know there are people who don't have loving parents willing to take me in. I know there are people who are brutalized, raped, tortured, orphaned, and all of the above.
I also know God has called me to something, and He will be faithful, because He knows know other way.
I know God is good.
But waiting on Him is soooo hard.
Save me, my Savior. Save me, Beloved! I need you to rescue me, from my poverty, my Self (or at least the latter). I cannot do it without you. I cannot.
I need you. Come.
Brag on God Fridays