God has been good to me. Yesterday I was having one of those crises that happen when we are faced with our flaws against God's goodness. I was crying to Ryan, "Don't give me advice! It seems like I'm drowning in advice. My yoke is a burden, it's heavy, so I know there's more on me than what God wants, because His burden is light. Don't give me advice, because I need to sort out what I've already recieved." I realized how much I try to please people. It's a hard thing to try to work with and for people, to love and give for them, without caring about their opinions. It's too hard for mere mortals.
Only God can do it.
I was faced with my own ugliness and inadequacies, a mind in turmoil, a heart in crisis. I was trying to turn it all over to God, to let Him take the reins, and it just didn't seem to be working. I'd been trying to tell people and they'd just offer me more things to do. And the more I tried to do, the less I could do, the more ugly I grew, the worse it got inside me.
So I'm in the midst of this turmoil in my mind and heart, and then I'm on my blog's dashboard and I notice suddenly the name I write under has changed. What? I didn't do that. Why does it now say "Singing and Free" and not "Singing Pilgrim"? (My real name is Pamela, by the way.) So I try to go to my profile... it doesn't work. After trying three times, I shake my head and go for my account, thinking someone's gotten into my account so I should go change my profile.
And Google (who runs blogger) asks for my password. I give it and it tells me my account has been deactivated.
My account has been deactivated.
My account has been deactivated!!
I sat there, stunned. Then I felt oddly detached and calm. The realization that God is in control of all things came over me, and if He wants to give me access to my email (which I'd just used to send some very important emails to people I really wanted to answer) and my blog (which as I've blogged about before is my primary ministry and work and dedicated to the Lord) then He would. And if not, then God gives and takes away. I submitted to Google's process of trying to regain access and, after sending Ryan a quick facebook message to let him know what was going on, got offline.
In retrospect, I think God knew, from the turmoil I was in, I just needed one more shoe to fall. With my account deactivation guess what happened? I was brought to the end of me.
Obviously, Google gave me access back. In fact, they apologized to me!
It sounds simple and maybe even shallow, but in reality, this is all the surface reflections of something God's been doing in the deep inside me. He's been very, very good to me, and I'm so very ugly inside, but I'm submitting to Him and trusting in Him to change it.
Linking Up with Brag on God Fridays. Oh, and come back later for my Psalm Link-Up!