Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Discombobulated Brain Daze

I got on facebook... and get showered with love. It was subtle.  But I have one group of friends talking about getting together... another friend wanting to meet up with me and do a present exchange... a friend asking me how I am and saying we should meet up while she's home visiting her family for the day... another friend patient enough to answer my silly questions... and another whose response to my condensed version of the last few months as "There's a lot there.  Sounds like a lot of stories I'd love to hear."

And my Ryan messaged me too. Thanks to everyone. It felt really good to know people still love me.

Today was the fourth of five days in a row of working. I'm not used to this. I'm not complaining, just stating a fact. It's still weird.  On Thursday I'm off, but have plans, and then I work again Friday. I still have like nothing done for Christmas.

My brain is like "wha...?"  It feels a bit dizzy.  My perceptions of time passing have entirely shifted. I feel like I'm constantly just trying to keep up and stay in the moment.  At the end of the day, I look back and it's got a surreal feeling.  Consequently, it's hard to blog.  I do think of good topics, but when I actually sit down, my brain still feels dizzy.  I've been online for many hours now, and I still feel like it's been like twenty minutes. 

Okay, re-reading that it makes me sound like I'm foggy-brained all the time. That's not the case. Truly, God has kept me clear headed a lot... it's just there's a lot more on my plate a lot less time to do it in, and also I got out of habit blogging between work and the domain taking so long. I've never been an orderly and routine person, so having a schedule (especially an erratic one) is just confusing me.  I haven't had a schedule in well over a year and a half.  I'm used to have like three or four things a week maximum to have to work around.  Now I'm often having two or three things a day that all other priorities must shift around...

Add Christmas to the mix, and it's crazy.  I have nothing done for it. Nothing. No decorations. No complete gifts (okay, partial gifts may count as 'something' but they don't get a check mark on my mental checklist, so they don't really count). Nada. And my mom is getting on to me about helping getting the house prepared for company, and Ryan is giving me mournful sighs because I no longer have hours devoted to talking to him, and Sophie is looking at me like I'm a big fat meanie because she's wearing a cone around her neck (long story). All of them have legitimate reasons for their concerns, and I do need to help Mom and spend time with Ryan and comfort Sophie (but not take off her cone, sorry sweetie) but I am struggling to fit into my new shifting existence.

I've got about ten things I consider 'priorities' right now, and none of them are really getting my best. I want to slow down and enjoy this season, because it might be my last in the United States for a while, but time keeps moving at its strange discombobulated pace and I feel like I'm on a treadmill with no stop/slow down button. If I stop, I'm going to fall.  So I have to keep running, and that means my precision is off. I'm sorry if I drop the ball somewhere. 

Part of my brain is sitting back, ankles crossed, with an amused smile. She's observing the shifts, fascinated by the turmoil, and thinking, "What an interesting thing God is doing. I wonder how this shifting water will settle, what pattern the flow will find now that it's shifted."  But she's calm. Because she knows that while it's creating swirling eddies in my mind right now, soon it will settle into a clear pattern of direction and flow, and it will all be good.

All is well. All is crazy, indeed. But all is well.

PS. Oooh! I just realized what I should have said to make the last sentence of the second to last paragraph make more sense: "When you stir things up, of course it gets muddy, but she knows that while it's creating...

See, that works.

And see? My brain typed out that response to a metaphor without articulating what it was first, then out of the blue ten minutes later realized how to articulate it.  THAT is a clear example of my brain's functioning right now.

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