My Eleventh Hour God

I'm waiting on you, Lord.

Circadian Rhythyms (da dum-dum!)

I'm on a stay up all night, sleep all day schedule. Not sure if I've talked about it before but my circadian rhythyms are abnormal. That means that, if left to go back to what's natural for me, I pretty much always go to a fall asleep around 8am, wake up around 4pm schedule. It's not normal, but it's my default. They say that people who work third shift never get used to it, because they're programmed to sleep then. Well, I've never gotten used to a 'normal' schedule for the same reason. So, left to my own devices, which I am since being unemployed I rarely have a NEED to be up at a certain time, I always go back (no matter how hard I fight against it).

I've gotten better, actually, since college. In college I often overslept (I sleep like a rock and it is HARD to wake up) and missed classes. I think my professors thought I was a party animal or something, though I've never been drunk or taken any drugs in my life. I tried to get it diagnosed once. The neurologist wanted me to get a sleep study done. We scheduled it, and it snowed that day. I'd scheduled it winter break (this was in college) and didn't want to schedule it for the weekdays I had class (since they're not open on the weekend). Technically, I'd have a doctor's excuse, but considering I missed enough class for the sleeping disorder itself...

By the time I had another break, we were pretty broke. And I didn't get the money or time before I graduated, and since graduation I've not had any health insurance.

Anyway, that's why I'm up at 3:46am, and why I tend to write stuff at night. Though I can be on a 'normal' schedule too. It's just HARD for me.

I didn't apply for any jobs yesterday because I couldn't find any to apply for... weekends are not when most people put jobs up there. I did apply for two jobs earlier this week, so that's okay. But I have to find something to apply for tonight. I haven't yet. But since my days are starting in the evenings and ending in the morning, I guess I can wait until the morning, when people start posting openings as they arrive at work.

I want to connect with God tonight. I'm feeling hungry for him. I should have gone to church this morning. I could have forced myself to stay awake and walked to the church around the corner. It's not my church, and it's not really the style I like, but I go occasionally, since I don't usually have a ride to my church. Though if I'd remembered to call her, I could have had a ride today, I think. A woman from my church lives somewhat near to me and we've discussed carpooling. Last week I called her, she said great, but then called back that Saturday to say she'd forgotten she had something to do Sunday at lunch time and it wasn't possible, but maybe next week. Which was today. But I kept thinking about contacting her, surprise surprise, in the middle of the night. So it didn't happen. But actually, maybe I should shoot her a facebook message now, so she has the whole week to see it. It doesn't matter if you facebook message in the middle of the night, after all. It's not like calling!

Sometimes I love the internet.

Ryan just contacted me. I've not heard from him today, so I shall go talk to him.

EIGHT MONTHS!

Oh! I almost forgot!

Today marks EIGHT MONTHS of Ryan and I!!! :)

Someone Contacted ME

I got online and checked my email, in case a job contacted me back. I found an email from a job recruiter who'd seen my resume on a job site. She encouraged me to apply for a position at her company, which is a large and very cool company that also, it seems, pay very well. I don't know that I qualified, but I definitely applied. I took like two or three hours writing the cover letter, just ask Ryan. I was talking to him the whole time.

I almost didn't apply for it. I prayed to God about it, and when he didn't instantly respond, I told myself I could never get it, and decided to look for a different job to be my minimum one job of the day to apply for. I didn't find one. I took that to be God's way of encouraging me to apply for it. Take the chance. I don't think I meet their requirements, but they do seem to be a company that looks more at a personality than a resume, so I tried to make my cover letter reflect that. After all, they approached me! I can't be that crazy for trying.

It is in another state, so if I do get this job, I'll be moving (they cover relocation, which is amazing in this economy.) Any job that would pay relocation will probably pay enough that I could qualify for marrying Ryan. The US visa process looks at my finances in order to qualify him to enter the country on a fiance visa. No, Ryan and I aren't engaged yet, but I'm definitely aware of such things.

I introduced Ryan to my friend Jacob online. Not that they've actually talked yet, but I was talking to them both simultaneously on facebook and was telling Jacob about Ryan and he friended him. That pleases me.

Bible Study last night was very good. We listened to an audio message. Normally I am not such a fan of that, but it was really, really good. It was by Paul Washer. We also celebrated Suzanne's birthday. It was really good to get to Bible Study. It was the first time in a month.

Which reminds me, I need to contact my potential ride to church tomorrow and see if she wants to do it. We'd set it up to go last week, and she had to cancel due to her husband having a prior engagement she'd forgotten about. She said 'maybe next week' and we've not talked since. So I definitely need to contact her today and see if 'maybe' is a 'yes'.

Some Good News

Today (Thursday) I got a call about a job! I didn't answer, it had gone to voicemail, and I didn't check it until late afternoon. The woman calling said she'd like to set it up for that day if possible, if not we could set up a time. I called her back but got her voicemail. I asked if we could to it tomorrrow/today in the morning (Friday) and for her to call me back. I think I may have called too late in the day, because I haven't heard from her. But I'm preparing like I have an interview in the morning. Unfortunately, at 12:30 Dad leaves for work, so it has to be over by then, so I hope she calls. I'm having to think now if I should try to go to bed and sleep a tiny short while, or if I should just stay up (I slept in late today) and go to bed either after the interview or when Dad leaves, depending. Of course, I have Bible Study tomorrow evening, so I wouldn't get a lot of sleep that way either.

Today, I sent in my resume for a job that sounds great. It's a front desk position at a medical office, and I think it sounds perfect. Even though I got the call about the interview, I am maintaining my one job minimum, because I definitely know just because someone contacts you back does not mean you'll get the job. But I feel so encouraged and happy that after only three days of this pact with myself, I got a reply from someone! I've gone months without that happening. I thank God for that.

Of Grown Up Things

I have made a pact with myself. Apply for one job a day, minimum. This is day three, and I applied for two today before I felt burned out. I despise the job hunt, but I need to do it. Otherwise, I spend one day frantically applying for three or four jobs, and then don't want to do it for a week. This slow and steady approach will get it more out there. I revamped my resume, and I just put the updated one on monster. I'm also a member of LinkedIn and BranchOut, though they've not been much help.

God's been directing me to be less lazy, and also I am utterly convinced I'm going to marry Ryan. Ryan feels the same way. We're not engaged yet, but all in good time, God's time.

Speaking of engagements, my cousin Matthias, one of my cousins I visited in Kansas City a year and a half ago and blogged about just got engaged. He and his fiancee, who I met when I was there though she was just his very good friend then, are getting married June 27th. That's the third wedding I've been invited to in that month period! I'm hoping to go to all three.

I don't know if I mentioned it, but the other cousin I visited, Kirk, he got married last May and he and his wife are expecting a little girl soon. It's exciting. Hey! If I can make it to Matthias's wedding, I'll get to meet her!

I really need some fellowship. I missed Bible Study last Friday because of a miscommunication in coordinating my ride. Also, because of Lydia and Sarah's illness when I visited them, we didn't get the fellowship I expected. I thought Lydia, Sarah, and I would be just melding in God together for a few days, then I'd go to my relatives high on the Holy Spirit. I did get some fellowship in, of course, but I haven't felt 'full' for like a month or so... though Ryan and I had a great time before I left for New Jersey. Great bonding in God. Just awesome. (Smiles happily at the memory.)

I love him so!

We've been talking about the future. If we don't win some major cash prize or I get a very good paying job SOON, we'll start our future in India. Which is something to really think about. The visa process for him to come here requires much of me financially, so they don't have to worry about him being a risk. For me to go to India, there is not such concerns. However, it comes with its hardships as well, because in at most three months after moving here, Ryan can seek employment and help me out. If I go to India, I am not legally allowed to work for a year. And Ryan makes a decent wage for a single man, but not for a man supporting a wife. I'm not really afraid of poverty, but he hates the idea of his wife being subjected to it. Being poor in India is not like being poor here, and the areas we could afford to live, they aren't really safe for women to walk alone. But Ryan is seeking a promotion, so it may all work out.

Ryan's feeling he's got cause to plan for our future. That makes me nervous, as God has directed me not to plan very much. Preparation is okay, planning is frowned upon. Not forbidden, but highly discouraged, especially since 90% of my plans fall flat on their face, as I've talked about in this blog in the past. That caused me to really look into the Bible to find evidence and what I've found is God wants us to prepare, but only wants us to plan if he specifically warns/directs us to (like Joseph planning for the 7 years of famine). But Ryan seems to think God's directing him, so I trust his relationship with our mutual Lord. Also, it makes me feel warm and fuzzy to think he's taking the initiative to lead the beginning of our life together, being a good, responsible, godly man.

I have to remind myself, God provides. For ALL our needs. Therefore if there is a genuine need, he will provide! If he doesn't, we need to evaluate our definition of 'genuine need'!

I still haven't fully absorbed that I am now twenty-five. You know what hit me today? I've been an adult for SEVEN years now. How crazy is that?

I admit it's hard to keep the self-condemning thoughts away. I am 25 and unemployed, without a job, driver's license, or car. I live with my parents and they support me in all financial ways. I sound like a real loser, huh?

But I also know that I do seek God. And God promises a) If you seek, you will find. And b) He will guide our paths! Therefore, if I am genuinely seeking Him, He's guiding my path. And since I really, honestly don't feel called to another path right now then the one I'm on, then I am where God wants me to be right now. So how can I be a loser? :)

I have to keep reminding myself of that.

I don't remember of someone once told me or I read it somewhere or maybe I thought it up, but I remember an illustration to help us feel grateful for what we do have (I am grateful, but I feel guilty because I know I don't deserve it-- but all we Christian sinners know God's path is not about getting what we deserve or we'd all be damned, right?) and to help us keep perspective about comparing ourselves to others, especially unbelievers. Because when you meet someone who's life seems picture perfect, who has achieved goals you've only dreamed of, and who you seem to measure up to very, very poorly, there's something to keep in mind.
If, in the currency of worth, my life is worth 20 units and my neighbor's is worth 16,788 units, I feel small and petty... But Jesus is worth 7,777,777,777,777,7777 to the power of 7,777,7777,777,777,7777 plus infinity. And as his own, He lives in me. That means my value is 7,777,777,777,777,7777 to the power of 7,777,7777,777,777,7777 plus infinity plus 20. Comparing that to 16,788 and feeling inadequate? Preposterous!

In terms of human and material things, I may seem a failure. But in eternal ways, I am a winner in every way. Selah.