The REAL Royal Wedding

I don’t know if you watched the royal wedding the other night. If you did, did you see how Christ was proclaimed? I don’t know if you watched the same coverage I did. I was comparing notes to a friend who had watched it on via CBS and apparently it was interrupted by commercials and they narrated over a lot of the ceremony. I watched it on BBC America and consequently got to hear all the prayers, hymns, Bible readings, and the sermon.

Like most people, before I watched it my mind was on her gown (which I thought was gorgeous) and the cool fact that the now Princess Kate was born a ‘commoner’. I thought it was neat that they’d met in college and dated for a long time, and basically seemed like a normal couple. I did not watch all the crazy mess of pre-wedding coverage, because why do so? I’m not the celebrity news kind of person anyway. But I adore weddings.

What made me very happy as I watched the BBC coverage was Christ was proclaimed! And, I’m sure the BBC coverage was what most people watched worldwide.

I do not know the spiritual state of the prince or princess, but I do know they went through Christian premarital counseling (because that’s a pre-requisite to marriage in the Anglican Communion). They would not have made a scandal and married outside the Church of England of course, even if they’re both atheists. So I don’t know if they offer an example of a Christian marriage or not, or if they even believe, but at least I know Christ has been proclaimed to them as well, and I pray for them.

Every lovely hymn was from scripture. And scripture itself was read (I remember specifically Romans 12). The service, of course, talked about how marriage was established by God and is reflective of the relationship of Christ and the Church. The sermon talked on how Western ideals put pressure on a married couple to find fulfillment in each other, when really we can only find fulfillment in God. And the archbishop made the point that every Christian wedding is really a royal wedding because it’s between children of God, the princes and princesses of the King of Kings.

And that’s exactly right. All Christian weddings are royal weddings, and all are pale reflections of the REAL Royal Wedding, between Christ and his Church.

“And the Spirit and the bride say, Come. And let him that hears say, Come. And let him that is thirsty come. And whoever will, let him take the water of life freely.” Rev. 22:17

O Sleep, My Fiendish Friend!

Isn't it amazing how God guides?

I have trouble with normal human sleeping habits. I always have, from birth, and it all waxes and wanes. I'm still alive, still relatively healthy, so it's not that bad.

I started this blog to ask sleep, 'Why do you elude me so?' I meant this with humor, but God actually answered me a little. I don't know the overarching reasons why my circadian rhythm is set to nocturnal, insomnia is a frequent visitor, I often oversleep alarms so I know I may not wake up when I would like, and stress exasperates the entire situation.

Me, currently, after this sleepless night. I don't look bad, do I?

But I do know God is in control.

I also know I apparently can't spell when I'm tired because spell check told me I misspelled four words already. Okay, now they're fixed.

There's been several times God has caused me to have insomnia... only to lead me to some Truth during my sleepless time, or to lead me to prayer or Bible time during the night just to demonstrate "But those who wait on the LORD Shall renew their strength; They shall mount up with wings like eagles, They shall run and not be weary, They shall walk and not faint." (Isaiah 40:31) when I am able to function on no sleep for 48 hours and feel fine. (this isn't one of those times. :) )

And there's been times when my nocturnal nature has been downright great. Like when a friend has an emergency at 3am and I can be there for her, or just getting to talk to Ryan more since when it's night here it's day in India.

Last night was great, and I may blog on it later, but basically I'm over at my friend Hannah's house. We started visiting yesterday at dinner time and decided I'd spend the night. We stayed up into the am hours anyway, then she went to bed. I talked to Ryan for a while, and watched the Royal Wedding. When the happy couple left Westminster Abbey, I turned off the tv and tried to sleep. It didn't work. I wasn't sleepy at all. Exhausted, yes. My body is say 'please, please, please sleep, won't you?' But my brain says 'Sleep? Sorry, I don't think I have that in stock. Try again later, maybe it'll come in.'

So I went and grabbed one of Hannah's books. I often read until the tension leaves and then you can set it down, close your eyes and...

Nope.

I'm now on page 93 of 205. (I am a really, really fast reader.) I may be able to finish it before I leave...

I also was able to read my Bible selection for the day, and pray about something I was considering doing and get an answer. He answered me while I was in the middle of writing my blog, which caused me to go back and change it. He is so awesome like that!!

So now I'm pretty sure I can here Hannah getting up, which confirms that I will not be going back to sleep here... though I do hope to catch some Zzz before Bible Study tonight!

Regarding the Tornadoes

The irony was not lost on me this morning as I uploaded photos of my garden from Wednesday morning that the same nature I was showing as beautiful had produced a storm cell which was in the process of killing hundreds of my countrymen. I was watching the news as I wrote the poem around the images and praying. We were under a tornado watch, but as a state South Carolina was blessed to not have a lot of the tornadoes—a few, but my area wasn’t affected. I did walk out in the storm overnight, to look, because it seemed so creepy. I could see the trees whipping and the wind gusting, but the air felt clammy and still. It was very eerie and my intuition was telling ‘get back inside!’ Of course, I’d locked myself out of the house by accident so I had to walk around the house in bare feet to accomplish that.

I just wanted to offer my condolences and prayers for any and all families affected by last night’s violent storms. I think that’s all I can say because I’ve not been in your shoes. I tried to think of something profound to share, but I just thought about how trite the ‘profound’ seems when you’re facing tragedy and couldn’t do it. Just know you have my love, and I pray you’ll let God comfort you. He’s excellent at that, if you turn to Him.

“Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort; who comforteth us in all our affliction, that we may be able to comfort them that are in any affliction, through the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God.” 2 Corinthians 1:3-4

A Photo Poem

A Morning Walk in the Garden

The majestic oak,

the tiny tree,

the climbing rose,

the spinning me!

An iris of delicate grace,
exploding joy on a blossom's face,
a shrub that inspires cheer,
woods that grow year by year.A flower's detailed design,

a variegated vine,

they each express a thought divine
from my precious Savior's mind!

I hope you enjoyed it! (But don't expect me to do this often, because with my dial up, this literally took hours to upload.)

A Great, Simple Day

So remember how I was talking about how little trips breathe life in me?

Yesterday I was blessed enough to go with Tabitha and baby Jordan to Falls Park in Greenville! We mainly just chilled and enjoyed the atmosphere. We talked and caught up. I told her about the latest sagas of Ryan, me, and our brainstorming about visas, passports, and the such. She told me about the joys and woes of the first weeks of motherhood, especially the recovery from pregnancy. We reflected on the mid-twenties, where we thought we'd be, and where we've ended up. We discussed education theory, which we disagree on in practice (I want to homeschool, she's planning to send her kids to public school) but agree on in essence. We both want to push our kids (theoretical at this point for me) to do well and know parental involvement is very important.

Mommy and baby!

I helped her with Jordan. I mean, I didn't do much, but I pushed the stroller when he'd cry if she put him in it, carried the diaper bag, that kind of thing. He's a well behaved baby.

Falls Park is such a lovely place. We watched the waterfalls, ducks, and even a few pigeons. Aside from talking we mainly people watched. We noticed every baby and pregnant lady! A group of older teens were exclaiming over Jordan's cuteness. We also met a Christian brother trying to share the gospel, which was neat. He chatted with us for a few minutes, then went to meet others.

The view of the falls from the swing we were sitting on.

When we got too hot, we went to the skating rink where Tabitha works and got some pizza. Once when Jordan got fussy I was able to calm him down when Tabitha couldn't! That made me happy. He likes me! Last week he smiled at me and this week he calmed down when I comforted him. He's definitely wrapping me around his cute baby finger.

Then we took Jordan to visit his dad at work. This was my first time seeing Jeremy with his son and it was adorable! He is euphoric, just like any new parent should be! He was also very affectionate with his wife. They were teasing each other about when to have the next baby. On the ride home Tabby and I told him funny stories of when we were kids. I just thank God for this wonderful little family!

All in all it was a great day, simple day, a lovely gift from God. No frills, but peaceful, friendly thrills that will make me smile every time I remember it.

Everyone should have days like this, don't you think?

(And now I'm off to take a morning walk in the garden...)

Relational Blogging

I've been looking at websites about blogging for hours. It's been fun and informational but it also shows you that the majority of the people who write about it are blogging very topical blogs. This blog isn't like that. It's more flexible and random, yes, but it's also more relational. I don't hate blogs that are very focused, topical, aimed at a certain niche. I'm just responding to the tacit implications that ones that aren't are fluff blogs.

This blog is about you, me, people in my life, and Jesus. Oh, occasionally I talk about something else, like blog statistics or something. But if you were to read these articles (which are very good on the subject they're addressing) you'd think that personal blogs were passe, boring, or unsuccessful as blogs.

And some part of me was accepting that a little. But then I realized that the blogs I like and follow are the personal ones. And with 7 billion people in the world, it's very unlikely I'm the only one who feels that way. And indeed, I decided to go look at some random personal blogs and I enjoyed and was touched by several. That makes them successful blogs. How many people read this blog doesn't matter, but whether or not those people find something here, that does.

Being relational, to me, is the most important. I do believe all things pass away. There's something eternal about the human soul, whether it's bound for heaven or hell, and of course Christ is without end. So sowing your time and effort into people and God, that matters. That lasts. That endures. So being relational, whether it's a relationship with you or Jesus, that's successful.

This blog isn't my blog. If it was my blog alone, whose purpose was promoting me and probably getting me money, then of course this should be so niche-y and topical. But it's not. This is God's blog. So the first rule is to love God. Then to love people. The rest doesn't matter.

Remember what it says on my 'About' page: This is a blog to love you with, to share my journey and organize experiences. This is Christ's blog, via a not perfect source: me.

PS. One bloggy type thing I'm doing for the site is requiring me to put a code on a blog post to verifty that I'm the blog's author. So here it is:

373CQ423U54K

You can ignore it. :)

Surviving Unemployment

I sat down to blog tonight unsure of what I wanted to blog about, but certain I was going to blog. This is because blogging can be hard work. And I need hard work right now.

My friend Tabitha returned to work this week. She had to stop working a few weeks before she gave birth and she asked me how in the world I don't go mad being unemployed. And the truth is, it's not easy.

I've been unemployed for over a year now. I won't go into the whys and hows because I've done that before, but I thought I'd share some of my strategies for staying sane.

1. Reading. I love to read. I definitely read at least 52 books a year, probably more towards 100 or more. Reading is not only immensely enjoyable to me, it also keeps my brain stimulated and can also provide an escape. It de-stresses me.
2. Pets. Or maybe this could be satisfied by plants, though I'm not much of a gardener so I don't get it. But to me Sophie, my dog, was definitely sent by God. Of course, everything was given to us by the Lord, but some things are just such sweet gifts! And I'm blessed enough to not just have Sophie but also Radar, my parent's dog, and the four cats: Mallory, Devlin, Corwin, and Ezra. They provide company, entertainment, affection, and comfort.
3. Friends. (and facebook!) I already live for my friends, but wonderful conversations, messages, notes, and whatever other forms of communication have become lifelines. And most important is getting out of the house and being with them in person. Doesn't matter in the slightest what we're doing. Even being with them while they run errands is a change in routine. It restores my sanity every time and is immensely precious to me.
4. Blogging. (or an ongoing personal project) For you, this may be any project or obsession. In case you haven't noticed I've been devoting a lot of time and energy to my blog. This has been very helpful, because it's an outlet that I feel like actually achieves something. For me, doing housework or other chores doesn't have the immense satisfaction of my blog because it's not 'out there'. My blog has the potential to impact people beyond my home and, being stuck here day after day, that's encouraging to me. I've not just dropped out of the world.
5. Art. (or a short-term personal project) This has been accomplished mainly in little 'kicks', but I will suddenly paint a lot one week, or crochet, or write, or what have you. The satisfaction for me comes from making something expressive with my own hands. I could easily see this happening with woodworking or other physical ways of making something new. I actually love power tools, though I don't get to use them much.
6. Cleaning. Okay, I admit, for me, that this is sometimes more of a drain to my sanity than a boost. But sometimes I get a frenzy in me and I grab a garbage bag and some cleaning solution and I just go at it! And the end result can be very satisfying... for a day. I admit I'm not a huge fan of cleaning because unlike art or blogging, it doesn't last. It's not like hitting that publish button or putting down the paint brush. Within a day or two of cleaning, my efforts will start eroding and I sink into a 'does anything I do even matter' mindset... so for me, cleaning is not always helpful. But if a short-term boost of morale is needed quickly, it works.
7. Television. Okay, this is the one I'm most ashamed of... but the truth is I have the television on most hours I'm awake. I try to be selective of what I watch, and often it's really just on in the background. But it brings thoughts, interests, and noise to my life. I admit I like the noise. It also helps me feel connected to the outside world, which as I said before, is important. It should be limited, but it does genuinely help.
8. Going Outside! This is important, though I admit I often forget it when I'm bogged down with life. But very few things can revive me when I'm getting a funk as well as song birds singing, soft sunshine, and grass beneath my toes. Star gazing, hiking, smelling flowers, dog walking, it doesn't really matter. Even getting rained on can be good! God gave us the gift of nature to help us be healthy, not only in body but in mind and spirit as well.
9. Travel. By this I don't just mean taking long trips, it could just be driving a different way home from somewhere. But changes in scenery are awesome. Unemployed people often can't afford such luxuries, but they need it just as much. I took my trip to New Jersey for $34.50 round trip by going on Megabus. There are also other cheap travel options out there. So whether it's a day trip to Greenville, a weekend trip to Georgia, or a two week trip up north, travel makes me very happy and makes me feel hopeful and happy for some time before and after. In the upstate where I live, we're blessed to have both mountains and beaches close enough for day trips, and if you have family or friends to stay with, many places are close enough for weekend excursions.
10. JESUS!! Yes, I saved best for last. But seriously, there is no way I wouldn't be super depressed by now without Him. But not only can I cling to Him and His Word, but I also can claim His promises. And I know He's got a plan. He hasn't just forgotten me this year, there's a reason for this unemployment. He's using and working with me even when I don't see it, and also, He's so loving and comforting. If I need to have a good cry, He's the best shoulder to cry on. If I need a good laugh, He'll provide a situation to have one. He is AWESOME and, slowly, if I keep my focus on Him I'll be changed until I'll be content in every circumstance.

You may notice I didn't mention job searching. That's because, while of course essential, it is the least comforting or sanity inspiring part of being unemployed. Nothing drains me or stresses me more quickly. I'm trying to work on it, but the longer I'm unemployed the more emotional the whole process gets. You send out enough copies of resumes, write enough cover letters, and fill out enough applications they become meaningless and the whole process seems more and more worthless and unfruitful. It's all vanity, vanity! Even getting an interview is as much a source of anxiety as hope at this point because the longer the unemployment goes on, the more pressure is pinned on it.

I don't mean to be despairing. I'm not really despairing, it's just my employed friends always seem apt and eager to discuss the job search with me. But the truth is, if I'm not actively applying for a job right that very second, I want to forget the entire job search and take a step back and just be!

Documents and Decisions

So all night (I'm on a nocturnal kick lately, so night is my day) I've thinking about documents and government and bureaucracy.

Ryan and I are trying to figure out how we're going to see each other. Ryan, in case you don't know, is my boyfriend, and he lives in India (and is Indian). We'd like him to come see me, but there's difficulty in the whole process. The US government basically takes the stance of 'you're guilty of wanting to be an illegal immigrant unless you can convince us otherwise'. The burden of proof is on Ryan and I that he's just coming for a visit. Which is true. But since he's an unmarried young person, they may not believe he has 'strong enough ties to his home country'.

The other option is I go to India. It's not really that hard for a US citizen to get a tourist visa for India, but I don't have a passport. I actually would need a new copy of my birth certificate, as my current copy is a) in really bad shape and b) doesn't have my parent's names on it, which is new requirement for applying for a passport. Since I was born in New Jersey, it's not as easy to get a copy as if I lived where I was born, though it's not that hard either.

Either way I need a passport because even if Ryan comes here now, eventually I should travel to India. So we're probably going to start that process anyway.

I hope God gives us guidance about which to go with... because if Ryan applies for a visa and is denied, it will make it harder for us in the future. Even if he doesn't visit this summer, I definitely will want him to meet my family and friends here in the US. And if he's got this denied tourist visa on his record, it'd make it that much harder to get a new one. And he's got a history with visas. He lived in the US as a minor for seven years. It was legal the whole time, but he had to get extensions on his visa (which doesn't look as good as if he just promptly went back to India when it was up.) And three years before me, he was engaged to an American citizen, applied for a fiance visa, and was denied. We think that was totally God though, because a few months after this happened he found out she'd been unfaithful for a while. If he'd gotten the visa when he'd applied, he probably wouldn't have found out until after they were married.

Actually, in wonderful news, he recently heard from her and found out she's found the Lord! That makes me happy.

But all that makes it harder. (I loathe bureaucracy.) We've got to make some decisions soon.

Okay, God. Trusting you!

Risen Today!

I am so flawed. I've been made to stare my flaws and foibles straight in the face lately. By lately, I mean months. Just flaw after flaw...

And every time I try, with prayer and love, to tackle these flaws and start to make progress... I realize I'm dropping the ball in another area of my life. It's so frustrating.

I don't want to list my flaws here. I don't think God calls us to do that. He wants us to be aware, recognize, and not deny our flaws, but He doesn't want us to flaunt them either. But I am very aware that I am lowly, and selfish and despite the pain it causes to my pride, other people do recognize it.

I want everyone to say 'Wow! Pam is awesome!' and lift me up. And dear loved ones sometimes do... but there's also sideways glances and doubts and acknowledging of my weaknesses that makes my confidence waver and my self-worth fail...

But my worth isn't in other people's opinion of me. How can it be? I am in Christ! He is my worth, and the only one who is worthy. When people see Pam, no wonder they don't see someone who is worthy- I'm not! But she's bound, forever, in the loving embrace of the only one who is!

My beloved Christ died, and with him so did my flaws! It is simply up to me to claim Jesus's perfection now! So I, who love the church year for its important reminder for us of the life of Christ and His Church, shall not only be reminded of his death and resurrection this Easter, but that of mine, within Him. He is risen, today and always! Happy Easter!

Lessons from God

We just had the most amazing Bible Study. OH! It was great!

My Bible Study family. This picture is from Feb 2010, and not the exact same group as was here tonight, but still! I love them!

The Friday night Bible Study I attend does that (that is, study the Bible) but we're also a family. I actually called them my 'Friday family' in college. We're sort of like a home church, though each member is also a member of another church they attend on Saturday or Sunday. I've been going to Bible Study for, incredibly, over seven years and they're my primary 'church family'. Because you know, a little 'c' church is just a family of believers (and there's only one big 'C' Church!). So I've got a few little 'c' churches.

My Sunday little 'c' church is St. Matthew's Episcopal, and I love it. But because of transportation difficulties I do not get to go nearly often enough, so it's really my secondary church. And I've got tertiary and quadrary (sp?) and so on as well...

But so tonight at Bible Study, well, it was amazing! Our leader, Kathy, I guess was called to ask us each to share a big lesson or lessons God has taught us in our life. She went first, then read some stories from great men of faith, to give us time to think. Now, as you may imagine, these are personal stories. So I'm not going to really share them, but I will tell you the like overarching lessons.

Kathy shared about how God's expressed His provision in her life, then read about His faithfulness, eternal hope, and how He leads us into servanthood. Lydia shared about His faithfulness, especially in times of uncertainty and plans you wouldn't pick for yourself. Ed talked about how He can guide our path by closing doors. Suzanne talked about trusting God, and how our paths are Chosen by a sovereign God, even when it seems like life just thrusts our roles upon us. Darryl shared about God's amazing love and how He's in control in chaos. Jane, his wife, shared on keeping your focus on God. David, their son, shared on sacrificing Self and loving your enemies. Katie shared about patience. I shared about God's friendship and how He's partnered with me and just some experiences I've had (I'm not sure I have it all figured out enough to present it neatly). And Jane, Ed's wife and Lydia's mom, shared about contentedness in any situation and turning to Jesus as our Lord, the power of His name and how declaring Him Lord can only be done by the power of the Holy Spirit (1 Corinthians 12:3).

It was wonderful!

Also wonderful, it's sort of Ryan's birthday. I say sort of because here it's Friday, so it's the day before. But in India, where He is and was born, it's Saturday, which is His birthday! So Happy Birthday, love, and Thank You God for him!!!

So Blessed!

"You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you. Trust in the LORD forever, for the LORD GOD is an everlasting rock."

Isaiah 26:3-4

That's the daily Bible verse on the side of the blog and it leads me to pause and smile. I need it. Lord, help my mind stay on you!

I want to take the time to tell you that I so immensely adore Ryan. He's just the best man ever. He is patient with my foibles, complimentary of my beauty, funny, intelligent, silly, and not afraid to stand up to me when I'm being unreasonable. And he's desperately in love with Jesus, and tries to follow Him fervently. He inspires me to be a better person, and I am so blessed!

Okay, that's all I wanted to say.

My 200th Post!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Isn't that crazy?

Towards the beginning of the month I realized my 200th post was coming up. So I decided I'd revamp my blog. It's not just the template that's changed. I've been steadily making changes since, as I've hinted at many times.

Most prominently there are the obvious changes, like the template. And did you notice I have a 'contact' page now? I also edited the 'about' page. If you were intimately familiar with the sidebar you'll notice I rearranged things and added that photo of me. I also added some widgets I found on a friend's blog because I thought they were fun.

I've also gone through and added tags to everything. They may or may not be helpful, but I've been meaning to do it for some time. I also went back and added photos. I'm also going to try to keep posting photos when I can. Obviously, not every blog post has a relevant photo I can post. Plus, I have dial up at home and that doesn't make uploading photos, like this one, easy.

Six year-old me in my dance recital costume. Just a random photo for fun.

But that's not everything that's changing. For one, I took away the anonymity of the original posts. If any of you read from the beginning, I used to post anonymously. I never introduced myself or referred to anyone by name. I stopped doing that over a year ago, but now I went back and changed all those 'My friend who I did this activity with at one time' to just their name.

And, with this attitude of more visibility, from now on I'll be actually like linking to my blog. I hadn't really done that before purposely, but I feel like the time has come.

So, doing this, I went back and read my blog. I got to muse on the changes that have happened in the last two and a half years. I got to laugh at myself.

And I realized I complain way too much! I mean, I knew that, but I actually felt very, very annoyed with myself. I wanted to shake past me and say 'seriously?' at times.

It was amusing how my 22 year old self was going on and on about being a grown up. I'm basically in the same place I was then, and I'm 25 now. Life has been unexpected, to say the least.

This blog means a lot to me. I use it as an outlet for my writing need. I am a writer, that's my identity. And if you're a writer, you need to write. I also write outside of this, but even if I don't for a period of time, this keeps me sane.

I also am happy I've actually stuck with something this long. I'm the start lots of things, finish very few kind of person.

And I am not finished with this blog yet!

Plans

Okay, so I started this post when I was at my friend Tabitha's house. She just had her most beautiful baby Jordan three weeks ago, and this is the first I've gotten to meet him awake (I came to the hospital after he was born, but he was asleep when I visited) and the first I got to hold him.

Baby Jordan!

While Tabitha was doing Mommy things she invited me to get online and I went on facebook and saw my friend Hannah had a new post up on her blog. After reading it I knew I had to post a blog post. So I started this post, but had to save it as a draft and come back to it some hours later when I was at home.
Hannah's post, which you can find for this day over at her blog, is about planning. I've mentioned Hannah before, but in case you don't know, her daughter, Sadie Mae, went to live with Jesus in January. She only lived a few minutes after birth. The doctor's prognosis of the pregnancy was fatal, but TJ and Hannah decided to bear and birth her anyway. Hannah's amazing journey of faith can be found on her blog. I am blessed and fortunate to count her as a friend.

Hannah and I (she's on the right), about to leave for senior prom.

So today, Hannah talked about life plans, and how we often plan and don't take God into account. Plans are something God has schooled me in. In fact, He's given me direct advice on it.

Wow, I really know that plans really are the theme of the day because I'm talking to Ryan on facebook chat in the other tab and he just brought up plans!

When I was in eighth grade, I was either visited by an angel or God's presence in a strong, different way I hadn't felt before and didn't feel again until I was in college. I think it may have been an angel because I remember feeling strongly 'do not be afraid' which is what Angels always say in the Bible, but I think it may just have been the Spirit of God stronger than normal because of when I felt the same feeling later in my life.

Regardless, it was a life changing experience. I honestly don't know how long it lasted. My memory is hazy, it was so remarkable, it may have been only twenty minutes, it may have been two weeks. Seriously, I just don't remember. I remember feeling I shouldn't be afraid, but I did feel afraid, and I was very disappointed in myself. For years I wonder if I had conquered my fear would it have been different? Was it some sort of test? Because I was afraid and God doesn't beget a spirit of fear, the question of whether it was good or not did get asked later, but I know it was good because I felt the exact same presence later when I am sure it was God. It was my own dependence on myself, and not on Him, which made me unable to conquer my fear at the time.

When the presence left I was left with an impression of 'The ideas you developed during your time with the Bible, they are correct. And do not make many plans, for I have a plan for you.'

That was crazy. At the time, I wanted to be a professional singer, like a pop or country star, and I thought 'well, that doesn't seem like something God would want for me, so I should probably abandon that.' And I did, and that was okay. But I didn't really know what else to do with that.

I'm telling you about my history with plans, not my whole life story, so I won't tell you all that happened in high school except that I got farther away from God when I was 16 and didn't get back to the level of relationship I had with Him in 8th grade until college, when I quickly surpassed it. So I didn't really consult him when I decided which college to go with, but I did keep the idea that he had a plan in mind when I thought about which to apply to and what to study.

I assumed my calling had something to do with like an official ministry or something. I didn't really know what, because I was iffy on women being pastors and plus I didn't really feel called to be like a preacher or priest, whatever you call it. But I thought education on the topic was probably a good idea, regardless of how his plan came about. So I only looked at schools that had Theology or Religion departments (I thought they were basically the same thing. They are NOT. :) ) And so when I got a full tuition scholarship to Converse, which has a Religion department, and I loved the atmosphere of the campus, I thought great.

And without a doubt, even though I didn't actually ask God 'Should I go?' there is no doubt it was exactly where I was meant to be. It was at Converse I met Lydia, who showed me you could fall in love with God. I knew you were supposed to love Him, and I did in a fashion, and I was definitely a Christian... but I wasn't in love with Him, didn't even know it was possible to feel your heart melt and explode simultaneously for the pure adoration you have for Jesus. But I am hopefully, utterly, immensely, eternally in love with HIM now! I also discovered the amazingness of fellowship and my faith grew exponentially. I had dozens of experiences...

Up until the end of freshman year though, even though I was following God closer, I still sort of just did what I thought was best. I 'leaned on my own understanding.' And my own understanding sucks. That's one major reason to not make plans, people.

The end of freshman year found me engaged and then pretty much abandoned by my fiance, which was a very good thing because I call that entire relationship 'my temporary insanity' and all the friends who knew me then laugh and agree. None of us know WHAT I was thinking. But during the time period between the two weeks of the engagement and when he stole from me and never saw me again three months later, it was all broken promises of seeing each other and stuff and it was difficult.

I'd started trying to read the Bible all the way through, and hadn't finished, but I dove into it. So I did it, in one summer, and read it all the way through, from Genesis to Revelation. It was amazing to read it in that order, you could see God's hand through history. By the time you get to Malachi, you feel the weight of the law and it's in your heart and you're comparing yourself to it and feeling so weighed down... and then Matthew comes and here comes Jesus and you're like 'yes! Hope!' and you feel the freedom of Christ in a new way. Then by the time you get to Paul and you're reading about love and unity and fruits of the Spirit and all that you're like 'YES! YES! YES!'

And on the very last night as I stayed up to finish, I got my next clue to God's plan for me. He told me I was called to help unify the Body of Christ!! I was overjoyed and happy and delighted... and had no clue how to start. But I was sure denominations were a barrier to unity, so I must have to help tear them down, which overwhelmed me.

Well, I could keep going on about the trial and error process that took me from one mistake to another, realize that the next spring I got the NEXT revelation. That God is SO much bigger than denominations and instead of tearing them down, he's going to soften hearts of those within denominations to see each other as family. (And he's given me the gift of seeing this over and over!) But see, my PLAN of tearing down denominations, which I was trying to figure out what I was going to do? Totally wrong. :) )

In the last few years, God has shown me that, at least for me, planning is just NOT advised. Note what God communicated to me in eighth grade "and do not make many plans". It does say 'many', not 'any'. Sometimes you can't avoid planning.

But, and this blog is actually a testimony for this, God has made it clear to me planning is not great for me. What do I mean? Well, when I try to plan, the plans almost always fail! If I plan on hanging out with a friend? Doesn't happen! (Such as with Hannah on Sunday!) If I make a huge life plan? Doesn't happen! I've blogged about this phenomena in my life before.

For example, I really thought I'd be married and have at least one kid by twenty-five. Guess what? I'm twenty-five! None of that has happened!

And I've been engaged three times. Yep, that's right, three times. Once when I was sixteen, the time I told you about earlier, and of course with Eric. Insane. Obviously, none of them ended in marriage.

And when I went to Converse I thought I'd double major in Religion and French. And I'd graduate with honors. Yeah, well, it became clear to me quickly that I really wasn't that good at French. I'd been good in high school mainly because I had an impeccable accent, not because I had any real linguistic talent. And God made it clear rather fast that he didn't want me to major in Religion.

I really hoped when I graduated college that I'd get a job (didn't really care in what, so long as I didn't hate it) and my own place (if not right away, in at least six months) and that'd be great.

That didn't happen.

It took me three months to find a job after graduation, and when I did it was a low paying, inconsistent, unreliable job. I liked it okay at first, but then I grew restless and wondered if I should be there. But it was a project to project commitment job, meaning every month or so the job would stop for at least a few weeks, then resume with a new project and you'd be asked back. I realized when I'd said I'd come back the last time, I'd not asked God (He'd made it clear I was supposed to be there the other times, so I just assumed). But I felt spiritually restless. But God wants us to keep our word and I'd committed to the end of the study. So even though I felt a call to leave, I was locked in. Then, on my birthday, I was laid off! And I knew it was a birthday present from God!

See, God acts in mysterious ways. I know you know that.

Now, there is a place for preparing and for dreaming.

God is like an architect. And we work for Him. He lets us help build the house he's designed, but we don't get to design it. So when we plan, we're messing with His design. But preparation is trying to be a good worker. It's lining up your nails and hammers and stuff. Maybe he'll send you to plumb and you won't need it, but it doesn't hurt and if he does ask you to do some nailing, He'll be pleased with you for your preparation.

And dreaming... that's sort of like saying 'Hey, God, I'd really like to work on the kitchen! I can't stop thinking about how awesome it's going to be! Can I?' And He may say yes. He may say no. But knowing God, He'll usually say 'Well, there's going to be some surprises, but it will be awesome!!!'

And God LOVES to surprise us. That's one reason He's not too fond of people planning: if we've got it all mapped out, where's the surprise in that?

Also, He only wants us to prepare a little. Because He wants us to rely on Him. We need to cling to Him and know our footing is uneven without His guidance. This reliance on Him is essential for our well being. Independence is nonsense in the eyes of God. We're utterly, totally dependent on Him... and it's beautiful.

Also, I want to be clear: this is a lesson God's made clear in my life. I feel very strongly about it. But I'm not sure if it's universal.

All too often people feel very strongly God is telling or calling them to do something, and they go out and they say 'God wants us all to do this!' But sometimes that's just not true. That's actually a major cause of division. So don't mistake me for saying God's told you not to plan. Or even that He's told me 'NEVER' because He hasn't. He's just told me to do it sparingly and makes most attempts to do it unfruitful.

But it's okay. It shows me God's got His hands at work in my life, and while sometimes frustrating (I get so amazed when people talk about how God has let them plan months, even years in advance. For me, He rarely lets me plans weeks in advance, and sometimes not even days!) it is an intimate friendship, and I am thankful for it.

And you have to remember why. Sometimes I'll be snuggling Sophie and I'll remember she's going to die someday. She's my beloved, God-given gift of a dog, and I've lost so many pets in my life, I know they're very mortal. And my heart starts hurting and aching and sometimes tears come into my eyes. But then I have to snap out of it. Who knows what tomorrow brings? Why mourn her while she's still here?

And sometimes plans are like that. They set our eyes on some event in the future so strongly that the present gets dimmed. And God always has a purpose for the present. Sometimes you just have to set the entire concept of tomorrow to the side and just dwell in the moment.

I think that's why He's vague about what happens after we die. He totally knows. But while He tells us to store up treasures, He doesn't tell us what they are. He's preparing a room or mansion (depending on translation) for us... but what does that even mean? It says no eyes have seen the wonders awaiting us...

With His vagueness He gives us license to dream and dream. He's ordering us to prepare for that life (store up treasures, be ready for His return, etc.) But He's NOT given us anything to plan.

He's got the plans covered. We just have to learn to listen and live, joyously, in the freedom of dependence. Planning is NOT on your shoulders. Let Him lead. It's awesome. It's not always happy, but it's always joyous.

An Acumulation of Little Things

The thing is, the last few days have been pretty uneventful. So I want to blog, but what do I say?

Yesterday I did finish writing a draft of my 'spiritual biography.' I've been looking at Regent College since the fall when I discovered it, and it's my hope attending there is in my future. I am fairly sure God's calling me to do that, like 85% sure. But not right this minute. Still, I've scoured the website, sent off for materials, downloaded hours of audio material (and listened to it all). As I've discussed before, God has made it clear I shouldn't make many plans, so I am trying hard not to 'plan' to go there, but preparation is a good and godly thing. So one way I prepared was looking at what an application entails. And one is a thousand word spiritual biography.

I found this very difficult and indeed, I did not achieve it. I could easily write 5,000 words and still leave out tons of events in my life with God. So right now I've got it down to 2,300. But I know I can probably edit it to 2,000 easily enough. Yes, I'd have to still make it smaller, but at least I have it sketched out on paper. I do not have it 'planned' but I think if I go there I'll get my Master's of Christian Studies with a concentration in Christianity & the Arts. As an artist, that one fascinates me (and more and more God is calling me to write and use the gifts he's given me. This blog is one expression of my inner need to write.) This is incidental, but I also love God in that if that does happen it'll make my BA in Theatre with a minor in Religion actually seem planned.

I was supposed to hang out with my friend Hannah yesterday, but she had a small crisis come up and it didn't happen. Hopefully we'll reschedule soon.

Last night nothing really happened except I got to talk to Ryan, who is in a wonderfully romantic mood lately, so that was good. I also continued my work on the changes to blog. Not much longer until I'm done!

Today I didn't do much, though I did start the a Bible Reading Summer Challenge. I thought it sounded like fun. People in pairs or trios are reading from assigned Bible reading daily for the next 90 days. If you read the entire assignment, that's great and you put it down as complete. However if you only get even just one verse read, you put that down too, because the main purpose is to get people in the habit of reading the Bible daily. Also, it's not an individual competition-- that is, you're scored based on your companions completion as well as your own.

So Lydia, Suzanne, and I are doing it! The top two teams will get a free dinner. And everyone gets the 'eternal reward'. :-P

I completed my reading for today, and hopefully I continue to do it. If you complete all the assignments, you read through the whole New Testament.

Tomorrow my parents are going out of town to see my younger sister in Florence. She is getting a prestigious award from her college for her participation in the community. I had sort of hoped to go, but I am looking forward to having the house to myself. Since my mother is also unemployed, that rarely happens.

Canterbury Reunion!

So if you're checking out the blog today, you'll notice there's been some changes. I've been diligently making less obvious changes for the last week or so, but I finally started the very obvious ones. I'm not done yet though! I'll talk in more detail about the changes when I've finished, which will be soon.

Gathering at Will's house at the beginning of the evening. Briley at counter, me and Kate on couch, Bennie by window.

Last night we had a Canterbury reunion. Canterbury is an Episcopal young adult ministry. Spartanburg area had one, but we stopped meeting regularly almost two years ago because, well basically the peer leader moved away and none of the rest of us were in a position to step up and get trained. For me, it was lack of transportation, for others lack of time, etc. So even though Canterbury doesn't meet on a weekly basis, occasionally the old gang gets together. And last night was one of those times.

Kate at Taco Dog.

We met up at Will's house. He bought and moved into it since we last met, so he was happy to show it off. After a little visiting, we went and ate dinner at Taco Dog. Then we went back to Will's house, talked a bit, then played Apples to Apples. It was fun and it was great to see everyone.

Starting to play Apples to Apples. Will's sitting down.

Briley.

Bennie and Kate. See how red Bennie is? That's because we were all laughing so hard!

At dinner I got to tell everyone what God did for me the night before. I told you the first part in my post "Words from God". But after I posted that blog entry, I decided to use the random bible verse generator again, with prayer. So if you'll remember I first got:

"Keep your life free from love of money, and be content with what you have, for he has said, 'I will never leave you nor forsake you.'" Hebrews 13:5

which was very applicable to the worries and thoughts going on with me. Then when I prayed again, God showed me:

"Whoever works his land will have plenty of bread,
but he who follows worthless pursuits lacks sense." Proverbs 12:11

This made me put them together and be thankful and absorb. God is telling me to work, even if money is not apparent, and also to put aside worthless pursuits. I am thankful for His wisdom and guidance.

This was all so good, I prayed for Him to give me just one more, just one last verse for the night. And he gave me this:

"He who testifies to these things says, "Surely I am coming soon." Amen. Come, Lord Jesus!" Revelation 22:20

which is one of the last verses in the Bible! And so lovely, isn't it?

I was filled with worshipful joy and love. God is amazing! I went to bed happy. And I got to share this with Canterbury!

Well, I am going to talk with Ryan. Thank you for being my bloggie friends! And if you have an opinion on anything, feel free to comment!

In Remembrance of Julie

Today is the fourth year anniversary of the Virginia Tech Massacre, at which my cousin Julie was killed. I couldn't let it pass without marking it in some way. I haven't actually talked to anyone about it today, but I didn't forget.

If she'd lived, she'd be 27 now. I'd tell you more about her, but I don't know what to say other than to do what I did last year and give you this link to her biography:

http://www.weremember.vt.edu/biographies/pryde.html

I do remember, and I share her memory with you.

And please, remember her parents, two brothers and sister in your prayers.

Words from God

Okay- I LOVE GOD!!!!

HE IS SO AWESOME!!!!

So after I wrote my last post, I was still feeling kind of down and I entered a contest to win some prizes. Then when checking my email, I noticed I'd gotten an email saying I should enter to win HGTV's Green Home they're about to give away. So I thought why not? And I went and entered and spent a good while looking at photos of the house and daydreaming about it winning it.

I thought about how I've never had my own place (except a dorm room) and how if I won it, would I even be able to keep it? I'd have to pay the winner's taxes on it and with no job, would I be able to cover it? I thought about how if I won it, even if I just cashed out and didn't take the house but a smaller cash prize, Ryan and I wouldn't have to worry about where and how we're starting our life because all the visa people care about (after making sure he's not a terrorist, but that's not a worry in this situation) is money, that he won't go on welfare. I thought about how I could invite friends, and host them proudly, and my heart hurt because I ache to give hospitality but I never get to...

And then I finished glancing around the site and closed it and I just felt achey inside. I feel this way lately, and I hate it, and I know I need Jesus. So I prayed and I thought I should look in the Bible. I don't have one handy, and biblegateway.com is my normal go-to but they don't really have a 'here's a random verse' feature. They just have one verse of the day, and then their reading plans, and I'd actually already looked at their verse of the day.

Have you ever prayed and flipped the Bible open to some random verse and it totally applied? I wanted to do that, but can't really do it online. So I thought, surely someone has made a random bible verse generator? So I typed that into google and sure enough I found this site.

And when I clicked on it I prayed as it loaded. I prayed for God to give me some guidance. I hoped He didn't think that I was being silly, like it was some biblical magic 8 ball, that He'd show me what I needed...

And this is what He gave me:

Keep your life free from love of money, and be content with what you have, for he has said, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.” -Hebrews 13:5

I mean, WOW! I was just entering contests and worrying about money. And really, what is worrying about employment, like I've been doing for a long time, but concerning myself with money? God's right, of course, and I need to keep myself free of the love of money.

I don't think there's anything wrong with entering contests or daydreaming, but I need to be content in my situation. I need to give thanks and open myself up to God's plan for now. He just gave me guidance when I asked. Surely He will continue! For He will never leave me! Or forsake me! OH, what an amazing, loving God! I do not deserve Him, and that is GRACE!

I Must Become Less

I got a call this afternoon, and I didn't get the job.

I admit, I'm surprised. Not because I thought I got it, but because I thought I'd gotten a second interview. The woman who interviewed told me she'd either call me to say I got a second interview or I didn't get it.

I admit, I am down. I have been unemployed for over a year now. It's getting to me. But the week it became a year was the week this job contacted me, and I admit I thought it was God swooping in. Especially when I found my expensive interview blazer which I lost for forever. I looked and looked and couldn't find it over several weeks. Then the night before the interview, I was about to go to bed, and I prayed one last time 'Please Jesus, please let me find my blazer'... and I did!

I really thought that meant God had blessed me for this job. And then when I got there, the atmosphere was so lovely. It's a family business, and everyone seemed nice, and I even saw a frame with 'Faith. Hope. Love.' on a shelf in the office I was interviewed in, so I'm pretty sure they're Christian (or at least one is) so I was really hoping.

Plus, it was perfect for me. I was entirely fitted for it. Nothing they said I felt I couldn't do, and do well. It seemed right up my alley and I think I'd even enjoy it.

However, I guess it wasn't to be.

I already felt down before this happened. Not entirely sure why, but I just feel glum. Hormones, probably. Maybe spiritual. Or a combination thereof. But I've just felt bleh for over 24 hours, then this happened.

Truth is, my hope is not gone. I'm not despairing. My outlook is the same. I really feel like God's got a plan. But I still feel glum.

Also, I think Ryan's employment situation also being unsteady right now... it's not helping.

I just want to fast forward a little bit. Be married to Ryan, or at least in active wedding planning. Get to my future.

But God doesn't let us fast forward. There's a reason for now. Plus, we can't be positive about our future. I am sure Ryan is the guy handpicked for me by God for me, and I am the woman handpicked for him... but I am not guaranteed we actually get to marry. Maybe this relationship of phone calls, fb chat, texts and the occasional video chat are all we get. It's still better than nothing, and I praise God for it. But I want to wrap my arms around him, kiss him, love him, have children with him. But it's not in my hands.

I want to know why. God doesn't always tell us why. Some people will tell you He never does, but that's not true. It is true it's totally His choice though. But this isn't my only long bout with unemployment. The last time I was unemployed for 11 months, so this is the longest, but during that time I did feel I got an answer of 'why' and that answer was Tabitha. She was going through a hard time (well really a series of short bad times punctuated by normal) and because I was unemployed, I was available to her at a drop of a hat. And I got to just be there for her, which was a joy, and last summer she renewed her life to Christ. It wasn't because of me, but I do believe Christ worked through me to aid the process that was happening in her along.

But this time? I don't know why I'm unemployed. I just don't know.

However, when I came to the blog this evening I am met by this verse of the day:

"He must become greater; I must become less."

John 3:30

I love that, I love how God just makes this website pick a random verse of the day and makes it ring true with me. I am becoming less, or at least I'm trying to... He's humbling me. I adore how it says 'must'. It's not an option. I must become less. He's making me less in the eyes of the world so I can cling to Him for any worth I have. He's searching me, He's doing something...

And as I've said before, I am SO aware of my flaws and weaknesses lately.

So yes, Lord, be greater, and help me become less. And give me the courage and comfort to shrink, because I'm struggling here, and you're my only Savior.

Ryan v. Job

I am sort of tired. Well, okay, I am tired. But I am not letting myself go to bed yet. For a couple reasons, though the primary is I'm talking to Ryan on facebook chat in the other tab and I've missed him so much.

It's not that he's gone anywhere. I'm just sleeping in so I'm not really getting up till he's going to bed, and then he's soo busy with work lately.

He's probably leaving his job. I don't really blame him. I think I'd have a caused a ruckus long ago. In February they convinced him to take on twice the responsibility, in order to get a raise.

The raise has never appeared.

Then lately, his office is moving locations and as the office manager, he's responsible for that. He's working his butt off, staying way past closing time, and yet his boss seems to walk in when he's taking a break and then yell at him. He's a salaried employee, so even though he's been working way over normal hours for three or more weeks, he's not going to get any more money.

And actually, the move was made a lot harder because his boss procrastinated on a lot of the packing and he's had to pick up the slack-- and had his boss yell at him for not being quick enough about it. (He unpacked 100 boxes in a day in a half... does that sound like slacking?)

Also, since he's in India, the majority of his office is Hindu. So they did a Hindu ceremony to dedicate the new office and offered him food sacrificed to idols. When he refused, because our God is a jealous God, his boss was offended.

The other night, he was at the office until 2am for an IT issue... and he had to come in on his day off as well.

He doesn't make much. It's a bachelor's wage. He is a bachelor, but he and I are very serious about getting married, and he's thinking leaving and finding another job for our future is the way to go.

I support that... except I want to see him.

The chances of him getting a tourist visa when he's unemployed is very slim. The chances of a new job letting him come see me for a few weeks when he's just started? Very unlikely. So unless he stays with this job, it could be months and months until he comes and visits... and he was supposed to come visit in February but it got put off until May because of a financial crisis. Now, if he leaves, it probably won't be May.

And I just miss him.

He's praying about it, and I trust him and God. Whether he leaves this job or not, it'll be fine.

I just miss him.

Interview Post Mortem

So today was my interview. I was sooo nervous on the way there. Mom had me read Psalm 34:

I will extol the LORD at all times;
his praise will always be on my lips.
I will glory in the LORD;
let the afflicted hear and rejoice.
Glorify the LORD with me;
let us exalt his name together.

I sought the LORD, and he answered me;
he delivered me from all my fears.
Those who look to him are radiant;
their faces are never covered with shame.
This poor man called, and the LORD heard him;
he saved him out of all his troubles.
The angel of the LORD encamps around those who fear him,
and he delivers them.

Taste and see that the LORD is good;
blessed is the one who takes refuge in him.
Fear the LORD, you his holy people,
for those who fear him lack nothing.
The lions may grow weak and hungry,
but those who seek the LORD lack no good thing.
Come, my children, listen to me;
I will teach you the fear of the LORD.
Whoever of you loves life
and desires to see many good days,
keep your tongue from evil
and your lips from telling lies.
Turn from evil and do good;
seek peace and pursue it.

The eyes of the LORD are on the righteous,
and his ears are attentive to their cry;
but the face of the LORD is against those who do evil,
to blot out their name from the earth.

The righteous cry out, and the LORD hears them;
he delivers them from all their troubles.
The LORD is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

The righteous person may have many troubles,
but the LORD delivers him from them all;
he protects all his bones,
not one of them will be broken.

Evil will slay the wicked;
the foes of the righteous will be condemned.
The LORD will rescue his servants;
no one who takes refuge in him will be condemned.

Beautiful isn't it? We especially focused on the fourth verse: "I sought the LORD, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears. "

And so I went to the interview and: I think it went well!! I am confident and know I could do this job, do it well, and I think I'd enjoy it! The place had an excellent atmosphere.

The woman who interviewed me said that she'd call me either way. If I get a good call, it'll be telling me I'll have a second interview with another person at the company who I'd be working with directly.

After the interview I told my parents about how it went, and then called Ryan. The poor man, he was still at work: and it's midnight his time! There was a problem with the email server and he was working... he didn't get to go home until 2am! And he's a salaried employee, so he doesn't even get overtime. He'd been led to believe two months ago he'd get a raise if he took on twice the responsibility. They gave him the responsibility, but he's not gotten a raise. He's seriously considering leaving, though he's not decided yet.

After I got off the phone with him, my adrenaline from the interview was still coursing through me, so I decided to call another friend. I talked to Jennifer for the first time in a while. She's back with her boyfriend and they're getting serious. It just makes me think about what might be happening in the future. She's about to graduate with her Master's, which is awesome.

I'm in a really great mood and I'm just happy for everyone. I'm looking at friend's blogs and photos and stuff online and my heart is just swelling with love. I just want to reconnect with all my old friends, but it's hard because I keep thinking 'oh, I should call or facebook message her' when I can't... and then forgetting when I am online. I really have been feeling like God's been telling me to reconnect with old friend's and not let these precious connections fade away.

I'm going to be doing stuff to the blog soon, just as a warning. It'll be great. I'll give more details later.