Oneness

Do you have a passion or a calling God has given to you?  I know you do, even if you've not figured it out yet. God's got a purpose for each of our lives. My calling and passion is for the unity of the Body of Christ. I want to keep this post simple:

All of God's churches (little c) are for all of God's people.  All of God's people are given as gifts for all of God's people, to be their family and incomplete without each other.  All of God's people are all one Church, universal, holy, and eternal.

Dwell on that. Don't let differences in passions or politics (whether they be governmental or adminstrative) divide you.  Yes, there are other Christians who don't see themselves unified with you. Choose not to see them the same way. It's a form of love and forgiveness, and a claiming of the truths of scripture.

In Christ's Body, which includes all Christians, there is no 'us' and 'them', there is only 'we' and 'Him', and we and Him are one.

I'm ending there, but if you feel like dwelling on this here are some scripture verses about this topic:

"I, therefore, the prisoner of the Lord, beseech you to walk worthy of the calling with which you were called,endeavoring to keep the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace. with all lowliness and gentleness, with longsuffering, bearing with one another in love, There is one body and one Spirit, just as you were called in one hope of your calling; one Lord, one faith, one baptism; one God and Father of all, who is above all, and through all, and in you all." Ephesians 4:1-5

"For as we have many members in one body, but all the members do not have the same function, so we, being many, are one body in Christ, and individually members of one another. " Romans 12:4-5

"Now I say this, that each of you says, 'I am of Paul,' or 'I am of Apollos,' or 'I am of Cephas,' or 'I am of Christ.' Is Christ divided? Was Paul crucified for you? Or were you baptized in the name of Paul? " 1 Corithinans 1:12-13
"The cup of blessing which we bless, is it not the communion of the blood of Christ? The bread which we break, is it not the communion of the body of Christ? For we, though many, are one bread and one body; for we all partake of that one bread. " 1 Corinthians 10: 16-17

"For as the body is one and has many members, but all the members of that one body, being many, are one body, so also is Christ. For by one Spirit we were all baptized into one body—whether Jews or Greeks, whether slaves or free—and have all been made to drink into one Spirit. For in fact the body is not one member but many.
^"If the foot should say, “Because I am not a hand, I am not of the body,” is it therefore not of the body? And if the ear should say, “Because I am not an eye, I am not of the body,” is it therefore not of the body? If the whole body were an eye, where would be the hearing? If the whole were hearing, where would be the smelling? But now God has set the members, each one of them, in the body just as He pleased. And if they were all one member, where would the body be?
^"But now indeed there are many members, yet one body. And the eye cannot say to the hand, “I have no need of you”; nor again the head to the feet, “I have no need of you.” No, much rather, those members of the body which seem to be weaker are necessary. And those members of the body which we think to be less honorable, on these we bestow greater honor; and our unpresentable parts have greater modesty, but our presentable parts have no need. But God composed the body, having given greater honor to that part which lacks it, that there should be no schism in the body, but that the members should have the same care for one another. And if one member suffers, all the members suffer with it; or if one member is honored, all the members rejoice with it." 1 Corinthians 12:12-26

300th Post!

Which is crazy.

Because it's only been 98 days since I did my 200th post.

And it was 488 days between the 100th post and the 200th.

And 471 days between the first post and the 100th.

Obviously, in the last 100 days I've sped up my rate of posting!  And I like it and don't really plan on slowing down (maybe at some point it might slow to say, 70 posts in a 100 days, but probably not slower than that unless I go live somewhere without internet access.)

I told myself I'd do this even if no one read it. But I feel humbled to tell you that approximately 2/3 of all my page views have come from the last two months! (Well my stats only go back to May 09, and my blog was started in Sept 08, but that's still amazing!)  I feel grateful to God for the opportunity to share my life and His glory with you, dear readers.

You know what's cool? Since I added my cluster map on June 5th, I've gotten readers from 21 other countries, D.C. and 44 states! Delaware, Hawaii,  Maine, South Dakota, Wyoming, and West Virginia are the only ones I haven't gotten!  So if you know someone who might want to read it there, link 'em up. Or if you happen to be on vacation in or passing through one of those states, read it?  :)

So obviously all of this deserves a celebration. And so does my good news from yesterday.  So what should I do?

(I actually wrote this Thursday. And I was going to edit it for today and then thought 'nah. Just tell them you wrote it Thursday.' So that is what I did.)

Biopsy Results

So when I got my biopsy a week ago yesterday, the doctor told me to call today.  I decided last night I'd call after lunch today. If I called in the morning, who knows, they might not have it, right? So at 1:50 I called and they transferred me to the nurse...

Who took my information and told me she'd look and would call me back.  Sigh. So a little more waiting...

So then she called me and told me the biopsy was... negative! :) She said there was a little, oh I forget the word. I'm guessing it probably means the same thing as the 'thickening of the lining' they detected on the ultrasound. She said it was to be expected. She told me my doctor said just continue to take the pills, and if I continue to bleed in a few weeks, we'll schedule a D&C. 

But it's not cancer! And it's not even pre-cancerous! (My gut was saying it'd be pre-cancerous.  Ryan's gut said it wouldn't be either, and he was happy to say "I told you so!")

Thanks to everyone who prayed! Praise the Lord!!

Events of the Days

I haven't been online in some days.  Mainly I've just been busy doing other things. But I've also kind of felt the introvert in me springing up, and I've wanted to retreat. (Technically I'm an extravert, but only by like this much).

But I've been thinking of my blog. It just seemed like too much brainwork to actually come on here and talk to you.  Healthwise, I feel spent, but today I should find out my biopsy results. That will be good. Then I'll know if the next step is surgery or pills and waiting.

Saturday I went to a friend's party. Sunday I helped move in my younger sister.  She technically lives here now... but Monday morning she left for a three week vacation. On Monday all I did was talk to Ryan and watch television.  And Tuesday all I did was try to avoid human beings by burying my nose in a huge, fat novel. I succeeded and finished it. It was very good.

I'm hoping to go to church tonight. We'll see what happens.  I've asked the church to find me a ride, but to no avail yet.  There's only like twenty people who go on Wednesday nights, and truth is I live in the middle nowhere, so I'm guessing they're having trouble because no one lives near me. Or maybe somebody does, but since it's at 6:30, they go there from work, not home. I'm positive no one works near me. There's almost no where to work near me. It's 5 miles to  nearest store. (Church is only fifteen minutes away though, it's not that crazy a distance.)

It looks like I may have a somewhat full week, actually. Which is good. I hate sitting around at home day after day.  On Thursday Lydia wants to hang out, then on Friday is Bible Study, then  Saturday I may be going to an event put on by Element church in Woodruff if I can find a way, then on Sunday Tabitha and I are going to finally start her church search. She's looking for a new church home and I've agreed to accompany her. I've no plans (so far) for Monday through Wednesday, but next Thursday I leave for a two day camping trip, and Saturday I have a wedding.  Now, if you've followed my life at all, you know God told me not to plan much, and He seems to enforce it: it is very rare for plans to come through for me. So let's see how many of those actually come to fruition. :) I'm kind of hoping it's all of them for once. Wouldn't that be AMAZING??

The biopsy results could change it, I suppose. But I think if they do require surgery, I'm going to try to schedule it for after this stuff. Especially since Lydia and I have planned the camping trip for like two months now, and weddings are one time only events.  That'd only be putting it off for a week and a half, which doesn't seem too unreasonable.  Based on my recovery time from the biopsy, I think I'll be basically incapacitated for a week. There's no way I could like do it on Monday and go camping Thursday.  A D&C is routine, but with my poor uterus already aching from its nearly two year ordeal, it's sore and achy even when someone doesn't come at it with sharp surgical tools. So I'd rather put it off for a week and get to both recover in peace and experience these great things with my friends.

I will come back and tell you the biopsy results after I get them, I promise.

Book Review: Rumors of God by Whitehead and Tyson

The full title of this book is Rumors of God: Experience the Kind of Faith You've Only Heard About. The authors, Darren Whitehead and Jon Tyson, both have a vision for an awakening for the church, especially in America.  Rumors of God is their call to a deeper understanding, relationship, and walk with our God.

I found it quite insightful and thought provoking. Each chapter addresses a "rumor": of abundant life, of generosity, of love, of grace, of commitment, of community, etc.  The book is geared towards Christians seeking more out of their faith.

I think this book has something for every Christian, though to what depths would vary with each individual. It was very easy to read and just like our Lord used parables, they told many stories of individuals they've encountered which either had need of the Truths they wrote about, or about how those individuals showed the Truths to them.  These stories keep the book from being another theoretical book, but instead motivates you to claim these things of God for your life and the world.

The book made me want to converse with and get to know the authors. I think that's usually a good sign that a book is worth reading.

I got this book free from booksneeze.com in exchange for my review!

Limitless

This week has been so sobering.

There's the obvious stuff, my health concerns and biopsy. But it goes way beyond that.

I just found out about the agony a friend of mine is going through: her adoption fell through. The birth mother changed her mind. I am just aching for her and her husband.

Tonight at Bible Study the prayer request list was soo long. I mean, I am very, very glad we all could pray for those, together, sharing our burdens. And some of them weren't exactly tragic (safe travel for example).  But looking at the prayer requests of others often sobers us.

I read a lot this week, but the reading has my brain searching. I spent this morning wailing and crying in Ryan's arms (really curled up in a recliner while on the phone with him, but it felt like his arms he was so soothing) about my limitations and what feels like my inability to make a difference for Christ in this world.

I've been reading about the trip of a blogger I follow to Cambodia, where she's served with a ministry rescuing children from the sex trade. The staggering statistics and sorrowful stories...

Norway this morning on news.  I feel for the Norwedgian people.  Terrorism is so ugly.

My grandfather is in the hospital.  I'm praying hard.

Serious, thought compelling, heart wrenching talks about adoption (before I even heard about the couple above's heartache.)

Just so many little things. Tiny isolations, disappointments, surprises.

And there's been good things too.  Ways that God has been comforting, sheltering, moving.  A girl we prayed for is out of the hospital.  This morning when I'm in emotional pain and wailing the song "And if God is for us/Who could ever stop us?/And if our God is with us/What could stand against?" reminds me it's not about my limitations at all. He's limitless.

That's what I'm clinging to, and I want to share with all of you.

God is limitless. LIMITLESS.  There is no end to the Hope we find in Him.  So if you're having a hard week too (or a good one) just cling to that. God is LIMITLESS. And He loves us.

I take comfort in these two Truths:

"Or what man is there among you who, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will he give him a serpent? If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask Him!" Matthew 7:9-11

"And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose" Romans 8:28

Together we know that since all things work together for the good of those who love God, and if we're calling out to God and asking Him for things and he'd never give us a snake when we ask for a fish... All the trials and sufferings of our life are meant for good, and nourish us like bread or fish, not like a stone or snake. Sop even though we might know why we're going through something or why we're helplessly watching someone we love hurt, we can remember it'll all work together for God's good.

Coach to 5K: Furlough Week

If you haven't read them yet, I posted three posts yesterday about what I've been going through with my health: part one, part two, part three.

I was supposed to start the C25K week four Sunday.  I had plans to go to church and my sister was visiting and it was morning and I don't like morning. I needed a shower and... I was lazy. So I didn't do it.

Monday and Tuesday I was in pain, as I said in the posts above.  And on Tuesday I had my biopsy. The biopsy involved them going into my uterus and well it hurt. And my abdominal cavity is aching and sore and the doctor implied it will be days before it heals.  Running causes you to use your core a lot. I just hurt too much to do it...

I have to prioritize. I am not quitting the C25K. But I'm looking at the timeline and while I could maybe *just* finish it in time for the 5K, I may be having surgery before then. And if it's going to take me a few days to recover from the biopsy, it'll take a lot to recover from a D&C. Especially since my uterus was already in agony before all this. I may not have the D&C though, it's not set in stone, so we'll see.

Basically: I will continue the C25K as the limits of my body decide. And I will  do the Field of Sunflowers 5K. 

But it's possible I may have to walk part of it, and I hope everyone will forgive me if I do. I don't want to let anyone down.

I'm not sure when I'll feel well enough to start week four, but I'm hoping this weekend. Regardless, I'll give you an update next week.

God, Yesterday, and the Biopsy (Part Three)

So last Wednesday, I went to church. At my church, every Wednesday night, we have a healing service. It's just like every other service, except after communion, you can stay up by the altar to be annointed with oil and prayed over, as James 5:14 says: Is anyone among you sick? Let him call for the elders of the church, and let them pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord.

I was hoping my bleeding would stop, but it didn't.  I believe one of two things happened though: either God's plan for this situation didn't involve healing right then, or there was some internal healing. Maybe it was cancer but it isn't anymore, or it was a bigger stage of cancer and went down or whatever. But I know it's one of those two possibilities. Indeed, today's verse of the day is one of comfort for me: The LORD of hosts has sworn: "As I have planned, so shall it be, and as I have purposed, so shall it stand."

I confided in a few more friends Thursday and Friday, then at Bible Study put in a vague health concern prayer request. I wasn't ready for the sympathy.

The weekend, I was busy and not busy, alternating.  The fear and I battled a lot.

I was in pain Monday and Tuesday.

Adding that to the fear, I was very irritable. I hated it, because I was spending my time alone praying and praising God and then half the time I interacted with others I found myself snapping at them or yelling at them. Grrr. I just had such trouble controlling my emotions.  So I tried to keep to myself.

I was reading a book on Christian missions, which was fascinating. I'd been reading it for over a month and finished it Monday night. That's pretty unheard of for me... I tend to read things in a day or two. If it's dense, maybe a week. But something about this book made me take it slow and with much thought.

Then on Tuesday, the day of my doctor's appointment, I picked up this book I've had for over a year but hadn't read yet. Well, it was definitely God's timing at work!

It's called Hind's Feet on High Places by Hannah Hurnard. It's a Christian allegory of a girl Much-Afraid, who wants to leave the Valley of Humiliation and flee her family, the Fearings, and go to the High Places, so the Chief Shepherd tells her the way, but she must go when He calls and in the company of the two companions He picks... who end up being Sorrow and Suffering!

It was pretty awesome. It caused some good prayer and some cathartic things. I read it in a few hours.

Then I was trying to distract myself with television. Because the pain was really bad. And it was working and I watched one show and I put on another... and then my sister Alison started arguing because she didn't want to watch the show. So after arguing angrily with her, I finally left. I didn't want to argue with her, and I was being angry, but she was wanting to discuss and compromise and truthfully, I just didn't have it in me.

So I went and prayed and Ryan popped in my head. Of course! So I called him. And talked to him and he soothed me and loved on me and oh how I love that man! And then I started crying, because of the pain, and Sophie, my darling dog, came running to snuggle and comfort me. And I just knew God sent Ryan to be the soothing voice and shoulder to cry on I needed, and for Sophie to the warmth and hug.

Then, just because He is SO SWEET, Jesus had Alison come in with mail for me: a book! I signed up to review books on my blog, and I got my first book! Just in time to read it in the waiting room of the doctors!!

Soon I was in the car and on my way.  My appointment was at 3:30 and I got there just in time. I settled down in the waiting room (with my Mom... I had gone to the last appointment alone, but needed moral support this time) and the receptionist calls me back up.  Apparently my appointment was at 3:00! She wasn't sure the ultrasound tech could get me in! What? I was sure it was at 3:30!! My voice was too loud and cracked when I told my mom, to my humiliation as everyone started staring at me. But I had just said I wasn't sure if I had my ultrasound, and when my mom said "Don't cry" I said "It's hard for me control my emotions these days." So they probably just thought I was pregnant. It's an OB-GYN office, after all. (The pills I'm on are hormone pills, and they're making the emotional controlling all but impossible).

But they did fit me in. I had to wait for a long time, but I had my book, which so far is great.  The ultrasound was internal, and extremely painful. But my technician had Christian music playing in the background, and as I left I saw she had Colossians 3:23 displayed "And whatever you do, do it heartily, as to the Lord and not to men".  It's not that I would have minded if she wasn't Christian, but I found it comforting that she was my sister.

I could see the pictures on the screen they had set up, and when I saw the picture of my uterus, I could see it wasn't even.  So I wasn't surprised when, after blood pressure, a urine test, and an inner waiting room, the doctor came in and told me that there was a stripe of thickened uterine lining.

Which if we hadn't seen, would rule out cancer. So it's not a good thing.

So he told me he'd have to take a biopsy. I agreed readily, and expressed my fears about cancer.

He told me that there are three stages between normal and cancer, so he really doesn't think it's cancer. If it's not normal, it's probably pre-cancerous.  (He used the technical medical jargon, but I don't remember it.) He also explained a possible non-cancerous reason for the thickened lining. I discussed another major symptom I've been having and he assured me it was totally normal and once we stop the bleeding it'd go away. That was a relief.

So then I had the biopsy. They said it'd be no big deal and would take 30 seconds. Yeah, it was several minutes and it hurt. Like I'd like to use a curse word to describe it. The ultrasound hurt as much or maybe more, but after it was finished, it stopped. I'm taking prescription strength pain meds now and the doctor said it'll take a few days to go back to normal...

But don't get me wrong. I am glad we did it.  I'd do it again (but I don't want to!!) I don't want to scare anyone in a similar position out there into not doing it. Because I am so glad to know that in about a week I'll know for sure if it's cancer or not, or pre-cancerous or not.

So basically this is where we are:  In a week I'll know if it's possibly cancer or pre-cancer. If it's anything but normal, I'll get a D&C (surgery where they remove everything inside the uterus, but the uterus is totally left alone.) If it's normal, I'll just keep taking the pills (well I'm continuing the pills now).  If in six weeks, I'm still bleeding every single day, then I'll get a D&C.  And if in two and a half months I'm not completely back to normal, I'll get a D&C.  But there's hope the pills by themselves can take care of it by then.

As for losing my uterus, I told him what I'd read, about them taking your uterus even in stage one and he made a face and said "That's... just ignore that." And he explained that usually endometrial cancer (the type I might have) can be taken care of with just a D&C.  Indeed, he's had cases where they took out the uterus, then looked at it and realized that a D&C would have done it (in that case the woman had her tubes tied already so she was just like, take it.)  I got the impression he'd never pressure a childless 25 year old woman to give up her uterus.

Have I mentioned I like my OB-GYN? Cause I do.  I like and trust him. Which is really important. Oh, and my nurse was wonderful and loving and caring.

Me, this morning, as I wrote part one.  See, I'm okay. :)

So all in all, it's good news.  Or at least medium news. The best would have been my ultrasound saying everything was normal. But I've been bleeding nonstop for over a year and a half. I already knew it wasn't going to be normal (no matter what Ryan insisted).  But my fears have been comforted.  And I'm not even really that scared of the cancer diagnosis anymore, since I know there's a good chance of getting out of this uterus intact.

So that's my cancer scare story, so far. And yes, I'll keep you updated and tell you what the biopsy says next week. And yes, yes, yes, I definitely welcome prayer.

Here's the links if you missed part one or two. 

The Mommy Ache, Assurance, and the Fear (Part Two)

I want to be a mommy.

PCOS is the leading cause of infertility, and I was diagnosed when I was 16 (and have had it since I was 12) so I've dealt with the idea I'd never be a mom biologically.  I love adoption and have hoped for years to adopt someday.  When I met Ryan, I introduced him to the idea of adoption, which he had embraced.  But we mainly discussed having both biological and adopted children. That'd be the ideal.

And there's a big difference between not getting pregnant and adopting and knowing God can open and close the womb... and not having a womb at all anymore.  To never even have the chance to get pregnant even once in my life. And if I had cancer, I might lose my uterus.

It didn't help that while I was freaking out about this a little, I'd gone and spent time with my friend Tabitha's beautiful baby boy, which really ignited my hormones.  I mean, last year when 40 people I knew gave birth (no exaggeration) I already sort of got a small case of baby fever. It was in the air or something. But when you're holding a baby and watching it nurse a bottle... bouncing him to stop his fussing... watching him giggle... carrying him on your hip.

Jordan (about a month ago, I didn't take any current pics)

It's a whole new level of maternal instinct then looking at friend's cute baby pictures.

I also worried about Ryan.  In a few ways.  First, he is a big fixer, a do-er, an action man. And I needed his shoulder to cry on, but I had to tell him "Baby, all you can do is pray." And pray I know he did. But he hates when I tell him that. He'd rather be thrown in an arena and fight a lion bare-handed.  Well. Maybe.

Second, he wants biological kids more than me. That's not to say I don't want them. I do, I do! It's just with the PCOS I did tell myself "You'll be okay if you never do"... for years before I met him. Plus, he wants at least two biological kids.  Personally, I could be very happy with many... or with one. I kind of just want the experience of pregnancy and breast feeding and whose nose does the baby have? I'm fine with having it more than once, and with prayer and grieving I'd reconcile myself to never at all. But Ryan wants at least one boy and at least one girl biologically.

So what did I do when I started freaking out? I turned to God.  Which is the right thing to do.  I was also talking to Ryan intermittedly.  And that resulted in the night that birthed this post. It was amazing. God was speaking to me left and right.  From blogs I was reading to the things on tv. It all wove together until I was forced to close my eyes and raise my hands and just cry out in praise. And I was left with an assurance He'll be with me, and what I'm going through is for His glory.

The fear left, for a time.  But as anyone knows, waiting has a way of wearing a person down. So I knew my ultrasound wasn't until Tuesday and I was not patient. And it came back. And I'd chase it away and it'd come back. But God had given me assurance. Not assurance, as Ryan wanted to proclaim, that I didn't have cancer. But assurance that God had a purpose and a plan and it'd all be to His Glory. He was with me. So I clung to that. He gave me that night to cling through during the week between it and my appointment (and onward.)

Do you know that song "The cat came back?" Well for me it's like "The fear came back. The very next day. Thought he was a goner but the fear just wouldn't stay away..."

I hate admitting stuff like that. As a Christian I tend to fall into the trap of "don't admit your weaknesses because if you do, it shows you're pitiful and small and you're not really relying on God, you're not holy enough, you suck as a Christian. God will only be glorified if you keep that to yourself and only show peace and joy to others."  Yeah, but that's a lie.  I mean, I am pitiful and small and sometimes I'm not really relying on God and I'm not holy enough and sometimes I can suck big.  But God does glorify himself through the pitiful and small and sucky. And the truth was, when I felt the fear overwhelm me I did call out to God.  And so even though I suck, I'm persevering. And I need to share this with you because if I fell into that Christian trap then the liar might say to another Christian reading this, my brother or sister, "Look how she relies on God and never fears. Now look at you, you're so small and pitiful and you're not really relying on God and..." You get the idea. So to end the lie, I know I have to tell you.

But I hate to do it. It's totally pride, which is a sin, but I wish I was perfect enough that I didn't fear through this.

This is part two of three, and three is coming shortly. (If you  missed part one, here it is.)

The Problem and the Cancer Risk (Part One)

I've eluded to something going on in my life that I wasn't sharing.  I told myself last week that good or bad, I think I would share after yesterday.  Yesterday I went to the doctor.

Sometimes it's hard to put things out there.  I am struggling to share this with you because my instinct is to keep it for myself and a few in my 'inner circle'.  But while I was debating if I should write this post or not, I went and read some of the blogs I follow and read this post.  And I realized I had to share. So, my Lord Jesus, please take these words and make them relevant in the way you mean, and guide my typity fingers.

I've been bleeding non-stop for over 18 months.  You know, as a woman.  I have polycystic ovarian syndrome, which is a hormone disorder, so while this is not a common symptom of PCOS when I looked up prolonged bleeding (over a year ago) top of the list was hormone imbalances. So I didn't worry...

Though when I confided in one of my closest friends she freaked out and told me that her aunt had had that and it was cancer. But when I looked it the bleeding symptom online, cancer wasn't even on the list of the top ten things it could be... so I didn't worry.

Since I graduated, I haven't had health insurance. So I didn't go to the doctor. Thanks to Obama's bill, I got health insurance for the first time in there years starting June 1st. So last month, I went to the OB-GYN to get it checked out. He put me on pills, which should stop the bleeding, and told me to schedule an appointment in a few weeks to do an ultrasound, just to make sure it was nothing serious, but it was probably just the PCOS. There was a small chance of endometrial cancer, but it would be rare in someone my age, and if the ultrasound was normal, that would rule it out. If it wasn't, they'd do further tests.

I was relieved, because from what I'd read online either they'd give you a pill or want to do a D&C starting off, which he did mention as a possibility for the future, but I figured if he wanted to try a pill first, he must think it's not too big a deal.

So after the visit, I wasn't upset at all. Then a week and a half later, a friend of mine who I'd told about the bleeding and appointment but not the results asked me online. And I told her what I'd told others right after... but as I typed 'small chance of cancer' it really hit me. 

There was a chance I had cancer.

I sat there for a minute, and I decided to go look up the type of cancer he'd mentioned.  What I found alarmed me.

First of all, I didn't only have the one symptom (the bleeding).  I had a few.  In addition, the website I was looking at told me even in stage one they would take your uterus (and probably want to take your ovaries too).

What?!?

And the pills weren't working yet. I was still bleeding...

Blessings

Took five minutes to write "I'm blessed" sentence.  Linking up to here.

I am blessed to be talking to my sister.
I am blessed to have an awesome blog with awesome blog people.
I am blessed to be a part of God's awesome church.
I am blessed to be in love with and friends with Ryan.
I am blessed to not get migraines often.
I am blessed to know friends who are mommies.
I am blessed to have Sophie (and Radar and Mallory and Devlin and Ezra and Corwin)
I am blessed to have a body able to do the C25K.
I am blessed to be able to read (and to love it!)
I am blessed to be a part of my family.
I am blessed to think creatively about things.
I am blessed to know and love and be guided by Jesus.
I am blessed to have opportunities for patience.
I am blessed to have suffered so I can comfort those who suffer.
I am blessed to not be in a lot of pain often.
I am blessed to have enough to eat.
I am blessed to have a roof over my head, and air conditioning.
I am blessed to have people who want to take care of me, and will pray for me.
I am blessed to have memories of amazing events and people and places. Experiences rock.

What if...?

Earlier this week I was up late and I was worrying.

Worrying is a sin, and I was trying not to, but there's some serious things going on and lots of unknowns. And since I've not successfully transformed into Jesus yet, I was worrying.

And I was praying.  And suddenly, I just felt Him with me.  It was one of those amazing moments and I had to praise Him.  I was reading blogs at the time, and every blog I read He was speaking to me through. Not like He spoke to me about one thing with this blog and another thing with this one... but like He was tying them together in intricate ways and showing me how He is there. Always there, in all areas of life. And He's got a plan.

And I closed my eyes, and I lifted my hands and I just felt Him assure me. Assure me that no matter what happens... He's in control. He's in this. He's got a purpose.  Whether it seems good or bad, it's all for good.  He hinted at ways that even the negative possibilities I was worrying about could be for His glory.  He was showing me that all ways (not just the obvious) but in all ways and possibilities there are opportunities for God's glory.  And so no matter how it turns out, it will be good.

He took away my fear, but I've got to confess it's come back. I'm just trying to fight it, and I thank God when I remember that night earlier this week.  He's glorious. Until the unknowns become known, I'll be thinking 'what if'... but at least I know no matter how I finish that question, the answer will be "God will be glorified, and all things work together for those who love Him."

Linked up to Beholding Glory.

Couch to 5K: Week Three

Day One:
Saturday, July 9th

Ahhh... peaceful, blissful sigh. I just finished day one. And it was not bad at all.  Admittedly, I went very slow.  My energy was slagging before this run (I did it after staying up all night) but I went at the pace God set me at (I prayed while running) and I feel so blissful, so at peace... this is how I should feel at all times... sigh...

Today the schedule was:

Five minutes walking, 90 seconds running, 90 seconds walking, 3 minutes running, 3 minutes walking, repeat last four steps once.

So I had to run for the longest time I ever have before (3 minutes) and when I say before, I mean probably in my entire life. I'm not kidding when I say I was unathletic and the slowest kid in gym class. So the fact I did it as a snails pace isn't that surprising, but at this stage in the game I'm supposed to just do it, and speed will come later (that's what they say anyway).  But I did it! Actually, I was shocked how I could keep going after the first three minutes. It was no biggie. The second three minutes run was harder, but mainly because I really wanted to take a drink of water but can't really do it while I'm running (I do it during my walking... I don't know what I'll do when the walking is eliminated) but all in all, I actually kept running for 5 seconds past when I could stop without realizing it, so that's good.

Oh! And the first time I walked for 3 minutes? I felt my body say 'hey, start running!' after the first 90 seconds because for the last two weeks I've been only giving myself a 90 second walk.  I think that's pretty awesome because a) my body thought it could start running and b) this really is training my body, for it to respond like that! (I did walk the whole 3 minutes though. Don't want to push myself and cause injury).

Day Two:
Attempt One:


Really, this deserves it's own blog post. I had been up all night praising God. I got my shoes and my water, had my banana (supposedly the best pre-workout food), and was looking for my watch. And looking. And looking. So I decided to God-walk to find it.

I admit, I'm human, so I'm a little nervous to share this here because, well I might look crazy. But I feel I must, God didn't give me this experience for me alone. I've mentioned God-walking before, and you can read about that by clicking here. For those of you who don't click, basically it means I pray and God guides my steps.

So I was praying and asking him to help me find my watch, and He was guiding me around the house, then outside. And I'm thinking, "I can't run without my watch. Oh wait, maybe Dad's gps is in the car. It's got a clock on it, maybe I'll run with that?" But no, it wasn't in the car. So I'm letting God walk me to the road and I'm thinking "Oh, no! I can't do the normal C25K program without a timer of some sort!" Then I realized how ridiculous that was. I mean, God created time. He created whomever came up with the C25K program. If He wanted to, He could totally have me do the exact program. And moreover, He created my body. So He, not the C25K people, know exactly what my body needs and can take.  So I trusted him.

And he walked me around my neighborhood, the whole time deep in prayer with Him. That part is kind of personal, but some deep stuff went down, but I was walking the whole time, not running.  Then I come back to my house and he leads me up the steps, and through the porch, and through the front door...

EXACTLY as a recording of a Christian Women's Conference came on the television. EXACTLY.  (You can see the television from the front door). So I laughed, and sat down and watched it, and it brought me to tears.  And I knew that even though I'd not completed the workout, I was seeing to my spiritual health right then, and it was good.

Attempt Two:
I didn't find my watch. But I found my cell phone! Which I'd lost for five weeks! So yay! So I just decided to go running with that. And I did. And I finished over half of it, when my foot hurt, so that I really couldn't take it any longer. I told myself I'd run back to my house from where I was (probably 100 yards away) but I couldn't. So I God-walked, letting Him decide if my workout was really done... and He did lead me home.

And you know what? I had done it over half-way, and I decided to chalk this one up as done! After all, success will be determined by me being able to do the 5K on September 10th, not by getting every minute of every workout done.  So I decided Day two was over.

Day Three:
Friday July 15

It was raining, just drizzling, and I got my stuff together and went to go out... and opened the door and it was pouring. But it was also 70 degrees then, so I decided I could wait. Normally, I HAVE to workout in the early morning or late evening because of the South Carolina heat.  So it wasn't until 10 am that I went out. It was still raining, but just drizzling...

And it was fun! I was running through mud puddles and getting soaked, and enjoying it a lot! My foot did hurt a little, but I just kept stopping to adjust my foot and I made it through.  Week Three is over! Yay! (And because I didn't have internet access I couldn't post this until today. :) ) 

My Last Post (for ~36 hours)

I've been hauling scrap metal.  That makes me sound tough!  My parents rented a moving van to move my sister's stuff (she's moving home at the end of the month, for now we're just bringing some things up).  So while we had the capacity, we got rid of some scrap metal we had around. We don't have a pick-up or anything useful for hauling normally. And we got more money than we thought we would, so that was fun, though some hard work.

I did get to go to church yesterday, and I'm hoping to be able to get a ride so I can go regularly. Because I don't have a car, I don't get to go to my home church often and I miss it.  It was to nice to see people, though I felt embarassed because a few people thought I was new or a visitor. Ah, well.

Erika was kind enough to give me a ride, and she also enjoyed it. It was extremely different from what she was used to, and I appreciated her ability to see the beauty in it anyway. We Christians often prefer the familiar. I know, because in college I made a point to visit many different types of churches, to connect with more aspects of the Body, and sometimes I felt uncomfortable, but it stretched me so now I feel comfortable (and enjoy) worshipping whether it be with quiet solemnity or people screaming and crying, rock music or organ fare (or not at all), etc.  So long as it's a genuine expression of Christ's church, it is good. (Though I admit to having preferences!)

I shall not be able to get online until late tomorrow night, which makes me sad. It makes me realize how much I love and adore the internet. Gosh, I wish I had something profound and amazing to share with you... but I don't. Sorry. I love you all, and will miss you. (I know, I know it's just 36 hours. But it sounds awful!)

I miss comments. A few weeks ago I got like comments on every other post. I haven't had a comment in almost a week. So if you want to comment, you will make me smile!

Just Some Stuff

I feel immersed in a strange but beautiful week.  Persistence. Seeking. All good things like that.

Sunday I hung out with my friend Tabitha for the first time in a month. It was great to see her, and her beautiful son.  

I've been on an emotional roller coaster. I'm so sensitive. I've figured out why, and it's nothing I can't handle, but it can be draining (and invigorating... then draining again).

Today will be a day of manual labor. Well, not a whole day. It's just too hot to do anything in the midst of the afternoon. But we're renting a moving van, then using it to clear out some room. Then Thursday Mom and Dad are heading down with it to load it up with my sister's stuff. She's still in her apartment until the end of the month, but all but the bare essentials are coming up. I'll be here by myself.

I'm really hoping to get to church tonight. I've not been to my own church in so long I'm too ashamed to tell you.  It's not because I don't love and miss it: I just don't have a way. But I'm hoping to get to go tonight. I also emailed my church about maybe setting up a regular ride. I'm praying and hoping.

Anyway. Life is going on, and I need to get off the computer and go catch up with it! See ya!

Deep Stuff

Does anybody know anything about teams or horses or oxen or even sled dogs?

My mind is exploring the concept of "equally yoked" in a way I haven't done before. Not really, anyway.

If you have no idea what I'm talking about that's okay. I didn't either until college. Friends of mine were freaking out because their daughter, a Christian, was marrying an unbeliever.  They kept talking about being unequally yoked and I didn't know what they meant. I don't remember if someone showed me or if I found it on my own, but here it is:

"Do not be unequally yoked together with unbelievers. For what fellowship has righteousness with lawlessness? And what communion has light with darkness? "  2 Corinthians 6:14

The standard interpretation of this means Christians aren't supposed to marry non-Christians. Since Christians are 'new creations' they're just not alike enough with non-Christians for this to be a good idea, since the weight of the yoke would strain one more, and they might be pulling in different directions.

The idea for this blog topic came to me a few minutes ago in the kitchen. What I was thinking was "With that verse we always focus on what 'unequally' means but not on what 'yoked' means, what that looks like. In the Bible times, people would have first hand experience with animals being yoked to pull carts or plows. They would understand the give and pull, the relationship horses/oxen/etc have with each other. What insight I could get if I talked to someone who knew about that in the 21st century!"

So I decided to come on here and talk about what I know, from reading, about the relationship of animals who are yoked together. And to ask any of you if you have first hand experience...

But I just got my socks blown off by a discovery.  The passage doesn't mention marriage at all!  Oh, I don't think applying it to marriage is a stretch- after all, that partnership is the lifelong one, the only lifelong one you'll probably ever make (the one with God is eternal), but you and your spouse will work together until death does you part, and become ONE, so it the most important application of this verse, hands down.

But it doesn't restrict itself with that. This is the passage, to put this verse in context:

"Do not be unequally yoked together with unbelievers. For what fellowship has righteousness with lawlessness? And what communion has light with darkness? And what accord has Christ with Belial? Or what part has a believer with an unbeliever? And what agreement has the temple of God with idols? For you are the temple of the living God. As God has said:
     “ I will dwell in them
      And walk among them.
      I will be their God,
      And they shall be My people.”
    Therefore
       “Come out from among them
      And be separate, says the Lord.
      Do not touch what is unclean,
      And I will receive you.”
      “I will be a Father to you,
      And you shall be My sons and daughters,
      Says the LORD Almighty.”" (2 Corinthians 6:14-18)
What strong language! Paul thought this was worth emphasis.  I want to be clear I know it's not about removing yourself from the world because that would be un-Biblical. For example Paul says in 1 Corinthians, a letter written to the same people as the passage above, "I wrote to you in my epistle not to keep company with sexually immoral people. Yet I certainly did not mean with the sexually immoral people of this world, or with the covetous, or extortioners, or idolaters, since then you would need to go out of the world."  From that we can see he doesn't think the Corinthians should remove themselves from the world, that is, from the company of non-believers. Two animals who are yoked together are partnered together for work.  So this verse is about Christians not partnering with unbelievers to do work, not removing themselves from all interactions.

So what is work?  For a long time God has me asking that question, because if you didn't know, I've been unemployed for over a year. For sure, I know work is something far beyond something that pays you cash. For example, being a parent is work, but it doesn't pay you.  And for me, blogging is work. God has made that known to me. Housework is work.  So is ministering to the poor. So is flipping burgers.

So does this mean that Christians shouldn't have anything to do with non-Christians in the workplace? My gut says no.  But my gut has been wrong. I need to meditate this more.

But I think that working with and partnering with are two different things. And there's a difference between the work God has given you and your day job. Sometimes they're combined. Sometimes, like in Paul's case, they're not (he was both an apostle and a tent maker. He made tents to pay his bills, but his real work was being sent from God to the Gentiles.)

Would God want us to be business partners with an unbeliever? What about a non-Christian boss? Co-workers? Employees? Temps? I know so many stories about Christians using their job to witness, God leading them there...

I think this applies to partnership, not just working with someone.  Like "working with" someone would be akin to the horse who pulls the plow and the horse that pulls a machine that sows stuff into the plowed earth (I don't know what that's called but I know it exists) are working together, but they're not yoked together. They're not partnered. 

I especially think this mainly applies to God's work. That is, if you're flipping burgers, I hope you're doing it to the glory of the Lord, and you're doing a good job so people think 'yum' and not 'yuck' when they see their burgers. But I think you probably think God's work (that is, your ministry) at your job is when you interact with people. Maybe you try to brighten days, or to listen and help bear someone's burdens. Maybe you know the drive thru girl is a lost sheep and you're trying to share the gospel with her.  That's the work that you probably shouldn't partner with an unbeliever on,  and who puts on the lettuce and who puts on the tomato. At least, that's where I'm thinking now.

But then what if you're doing something that's more of a vocation? That is, let's say you're a lawyer. They have partners. Would you want to become a partner in a law firm without Christians at the helm? Could you partner with them? What about an investor? Would you partner with a non-believer in an investment? A Christian would (should) be investing in things to further the kingdom of God, while why would a nonbeliever be investing in anything but something to pad their own pocketbook? Or does what your investing in matter more than who is investing with you? And even if you're just trying to make money so you can then invest that money in the kingdom, before that step comes (if it ever does, investments are dicey) you would look exactly like the non-believer in the eyes of anyone who saw you. 

There's probably an observable difference between the burger flipper doing their job for Christ and the one who isn't, or the lawyer who knows God's the ultimate judge and the one who only cares about winning cases, but we should probably avoid partnering with anyone in a situation where we'd look the same in executing the work as the non-believer. Because our witness is way more about showing people that there's something different about us (ie Jesus lives inside us and we're a new creation), and only a fraction about talking about God.

What about the Christian blessed enough to work for a nonprofit (oh I wish I could!!) and getting to help people full time, and still earn a living.  For example, let's say you work for a Christian organization that's giving shoes to kids in Africa.  Would you partner with another organization, a secular or non-Christian religious one doing the same, in order to share resources and help more kids... but while eliminating the message of "the Lord Jesus Christ cares" that you'd hoped to share with every pair of shoes?  I mean, it's a tough question. All of these are!

What is yoked work?  Why is Paul emphasizing this so seriously? Can we appear different from the world while working with them? What about when we partner with a secular school to help educate our kids or other partnerships that definitely occur, but outside our own workplace? What is partnering? Could we justify marrying a non-believer in order to save them? If we dwell on this too much, might we forget to love the unbelievers and get legalistic? Do we remember that the good news is more important than success at our earthly endeavors?

Indeed, I think this verse implies that while we might have success at earthly endeavors, we'll fail at 'storing up treasures' if we partner with unbelievers. And we need to work for the kingdom, where no rust or thieves or moths shall destroy our efforts. If we live in cardboard boxes here, it's totally worth it, if we're laying up treasure there. This life is but a puff of air, right? But what if we get to heaven and Jesus goes, "Welcome! I love you, I'm glad you're here. Here's your mansion... there's just one problem.  There's nothing to go in it because you stored up your treasures on earth and the earth has passed away now. Sorry." (I mean this metaphorically, so don't freak out on the theological details about this example, but you get my point!)

I read this verse as part of my daily readings, which puts the fear of God into my heart, and soberness in my spirit:
"Now I want to remind you, though you know all these things: the Lord, having first of all saved a people out of Egypt, later destroyed those who did not believe" -Jude 1:5
We're the salt and light, but remember, Jesus does say salt that loses its saltiness is only good for throwing away. It all comes down to Christians and non-Christians being different. 

Indeed, I think this could be why it's so very hard to effectively share your faith in "Christian" countries. The Christian and non-Christian look the same, we're all 'civilized' and trying to be 'moral'.  And the Self in us doesn't like to stand out, so it's easy to try to blend in. But we're supposed to emit the aroma of Christ, which smells like death to those who aren't our brethren and aren't seeking Him.

Deep stuff. Obviously, I'm just meditating through it all. I hope you've enjoyed joining me... and am impressed you've read this long thing! Please, please feel free to add your thoughts in comments. 

Rejoice Anew

Anew!

Each day anew, each day refreshed, renewed, rejoice!

In the now, the present, only, are we.  Who we were, has left, and remembering only the good which shaped us through all things. Remembering only the hands of Christ, smoothing out the sides of our vessel with a gentle Potter's love, and a firm and knowledgable force of pressure. Oh Lord! Oh King!

Anew, renewed, and made! A work not finished, not ended, but still right now. Present, in the moment, we are.  Who will we be, veiled from us, but not from He who plans and shapes us skillfully, so we yield, we yield! Softened clay, slapped with water when we rebel and become brittle, O rejoice in the moisture, mourn not the slap!

Each turn of the wheel, our shape becomes more clear. Each turn of the wheel is a reason to rejoice!

Embraced and shaped and honed to sweet perfection, we trust in His process. Alleluia, Father, we praise you, we praise you. Sweet water, sweet Potter, deep Creator, trust forever! Amen

I'm Blessed

I'm tired. But I'm blessed.
So I've decided to list some blessings for myself and to share.

• for a wonderful day with wonderful friends.
• for sweet babies, especially little Jordan.
• for dreams of the future and love and imagination.
• for Ryan. In all ways, in every way.
• for tears, their healing and release.
• for the Church, both universally and in her local gatherings.
• for hope, and joy, and fear of the Lord.
• for Sophie, and her fierce (and endearing) rat terrier killer instincts.
• for funny stories to share and bond over.
• for pizza.
• for chocolate.
• for wholesome movies that refresh your soul.
• for the ache.
• for the challenges as opportunities to overcome (Lord, you know what I mean!)
• for discipline, which promotes growth.
• for God's hands which hold back evils from me that I never know of, and hold me back from ambushes and temptations I never knew I approached.
• for happy marriages, and the amazing, wonderful testimony of the Lord they are! I rejoice in them whenever I see them!
• for every gorgeous metaphor God provides in this world (which is basically EVERYTHING) to point back to him.
• to the amazing testimonies of people who cling to their beloved Lord in times of trial and bring tears of joy to my eyes. Praise you, God!
• to hope, and healing, and faith. Forever.

Love to you all. If this refreshed you and you want to read more bloggers counting their blessings, click the... huh, that button is not working. Haha. Well, click on whatever you want to call that partial linky looking thing below. :)

Love, Buttons, and Mistakes

I am desperately, desperately in love.  With both the Lord and Ryan.  In fact, I realized today the way I know Ryan is the one is that the more I fall in love with Jesus, the more I fall in love with Ryan. (I mean, I already knew Ryan was the one from many other things, but that kind of confirms it, doesn't it?)

Today in Bible Study we continued our study of Job. I'm not sure what they did last week, when I was in Florence, but they seemed to pick up right where we'd left off two weeks ago, for which I am grateful. I am very eager for this study. It all seems so relevant.  It's amazing to see how many seemingly unconnected things, like Bible Study and blogs and friends and books etc, have been coming together in such intricate ways to teach me things from God. Because honestly, He does connect it all. Everything.

I am in awe.
 
It seems like a new beginning. And it is. Gosh, so many intangible things I struggle to put to words, and yet I want to give them to you.  I am a writer, and it pains me that right now I can't.  Just love, and joy, and YES.

Tonight I spent hours working on my blog without blogging. I made myself a button! You can get it over on the side, if you want. It was fun but took forever because I can be a perfectionist occasionally. I may make more, but not today.

My pretty button

I had not had any interest in buttons prior to tonight, but somehow tonight they seemed like a good idea.  So not only did I make one, but I added all the buttons of the blogs I follow to the side. I also added all the blogs I follow to the blogs I follow list, because it hadn't been updated in months.  Probably it'll be outdated next week (I follow new blogs all the time) but for now, it's accurate. Well, if I put someone's button up, I didn't put them in my list. If you've got a button and I missed it somehow or something, please let me know.

Oh, and that Brag on God Fridays link up?  I didn't do it right. :-P But now I've fixed it, I hope. So go back and see.

There's a few other things milling about my head, but I'm about to go start week 3 of the Couch to 5K program, so they'll wait.  Love to you all.

Brag on God Fridays

Okay, I am excited! I just found a lovely blog, Beholding Glory, whose author, Laura hosts a link up called "Brag on God Fridays". I've not thoroughly explored her site yet, because it's kind of fancy for my dial up, but I'm hoping as my slow computer familiarizes itself with her cookies, I'll get a chance to see more.

So basically, Brag on God Fridays are for bragging on God.  Yes, I'm sure you never could have figured that out. But basically, she's inviting fellow bloggers to take a post and reflect on the way He's revealed Himself to us, what He means to us, and who He is.

Which is about the most meaningful thing any of us could ever do, so I hope to make this a new regular feature of my blog.

Earlier this week, I discussed how I've been struggling with my body and really, just balance between living in this world and living for this world.  A lot of my best times with God have been when I've taken time to be off, alone and by myself with Him and shutting the world out... but while doing that from time to time is good, He's called us to be present in this world, to be shining lights, so we have to strike a balance. If you've not read that post from earlier, then please do. God called me to write it, I cried while doing so, and it took me hours to finish, plus it'll make the next part make more sense. :)

Since then, God's not been done with me. He's been speaking to me all week through Bible verses and fellow Christians.  From fearful awe to glorious fellowship, He's been disciplining me in his gentle yet firm way all week. And I am grateful, and reverent, and in awe.

With my crazy sleeping disorder, I had stayed up all night Wednesday.  My friend Tabitha and I were supposed to hang out Thursday, so I set my alarm for four hours after I fell asleep. So I woke up around 2:45 in the afternoon. I called Tabitha, but she didn't answer, so I sank back down in bed. I didn't want to fall back asleep, because I missed Tabitha, so I turned my radio on, loudly.

Christian music blared out. Which surprised me, because I'd last had it on country music. But that was all right, I like Christian music too, and in fact I loved the song. I figured Tabitha would call me, so I didn't try again for a while. I got a call or two, but just telemarketers, so I just stayed there, lying in bed and listening and singing to music praising God.  And I talked to God. And thought about Him. And just loved Him.

All week I've been feeling low and struggling and barely hanging on.  But Wednesday night I'd been clinging onto God and felt rescued. So Thursday afternoon, I just felt love and peace and joy flow over me.  Yes, there was music, but otherwise it was basically just me and God for a few hours. And it was awesome, and amazing.

In the living room later, I opened my favorite book, God Calling, which is basically a devotional and felt God direct me to the words "I forgive you, as you have prayed Me to, for all neglects of My commands, but start anew from today".  I prayed over that  miracle, feeling joy overwhelm me, and love.  God is present, God is caring, God is my savior and He's with me, always.

He will be, and is, changing me, slowly from the dirty fledgling that is Pam into something beautiful, that is Him. I am humbled and awed, devastatingly in love, and genuinely taken with Him. Hurrah for God! Hurrah for Jesus! Hurrah for the King!

Photos from the Fourth

Okay, so I already told you about the Fourth of July, but I told you I'd share photos when my friend posted them, remember?  Well that's what this is!

Okay, they're in no particular order because seriously, they resist click and drag. They're fighters!

Briley, Benny, Kate

Will

Don't I look cute and silly?

Alison and Briley

Briley, Kate, and I

Briley and Benny

Briley hauling Kate & Bennie's air mattress

Couch to 5K: Week Two

All in all, I feel like this week kicked my butt. But I did it, and it's behind me. Whew! It was filled with highs and lows, but I did it.

Day One:
Thursday, June 30, 2011

I just finished Week Two Day One AND I FEEL AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YAY!

And guess what? I worked out harder than I was supposed to! I had just gone out to workout and after I was doing my five minute warm up, I realized I wasn't sure exactly what week two's workout was supposed to be, I hadn't checked it before I left, and I hadn't read it for over a week when I was reviewing the whole workout in a general way before week two. I remembered you went from running 60 second intervals to running 90, and last week I walked 90, so I figured it was run 90, walk 90... but afterwards, I found out that it was actually run 90 walk two minutes!

So what made this new, harder workout so awesome? Well, part of it was endorphins... but mainly it was JESUS! I prayed as I tied my shoes before I started, then when I was starting, my feet were bugging me a little and I thought, "Don't think about your feet. Think about... your legs. And your breathing." Because I figured dwelling on silly little complaining feet wouldn't help my workout. As I was concentrating on my breathing, it came to me: To God-Walk! I've talked about God-walking on my blog before, but basically it's when I pray, at first, "Jesus guide my steps" and then afterwards say "Jesus, Jesus, Jesus" as I breathe.  And it's awesome.  Anyway, so I did this as I ran... and my face was beaming in smiles, my pace was exhilarating with joy, I worked out so hard, and I felt great!!

Okay, I'm totally soaked in sweat, so I need to shower. :)

Day Two:
Sunday, July 3

Okay, since I was in an antihistamine drugged stupor,  I didn't do this Saturday like I was supposed to... and then I overslept on Sunday for the same reason. But I got it in in the evening. It was grubby and hot, and I didn't get into the Jesus high I did earlier, but I did attempt to pray as I went.  I put on the other shoes I was telling you about, and my feet didn't hurt. I think maybe my newer shoes are better for walking, and my older shoes are better for running. They're only like a year and a half old, so plenty worn in but not worn out. Alleluia. :)

I chose to do the 90 second-90 second because I did it easily Thursday, even though I technically could have walked for 2 minutes.

Day Three:
Wednesday, July 6

I should have done day three on Tuesday, but as I mentioned I way overslept and was having stomach cramps, so I didn't feel like doing it in the evening. So I decided I'd do it in the early morning Wednesday, then do Day 1 of Week Three on Thursday evening... only by early morning Wednesday I was exhausted (I'd stayed up all night) so I just went to bed.

So Wednesday evening was my first attempt. But my foot hurt seven minutes in, so I decided to wait until the morning.

Thursday, July 7

So early morning Thursday rolls around and I do it!  I really saw what they say about it being mainly mental. But I pushed through, and I actually think my last running interval was the best of the workout.  I did pray while I did it, but I didn't get the same high as last Thursday...

But I admit I feel some shame that this took 8 days. I know I shouldn't though. I didn't feel well this week, not just working out, and it was a holiday week too. There's a reason I made sure I started this 9 week program with 11 weeks to the 5K, so I could take an extra day or two...

But I hope I don't do it again.

By the end of it, I was soaked in sweat and felt beat. But I did it. That's what matters. And... I don't have to worry about this again until Saturday. :)

Our Bodies Are Tents

This post has been in the works, but I admit I still don't really want to write it.

Some years ago I went out with a friend of mine who is very girly to Paneras and Ross just for a fun break from collegiate stress.  We had great fun with our drinks and bagels, then when we went into Ross she was looking at shirts and dresses and pants. I looked over them with partial interest, but then I spotted it. It was beautiful! It was just the right size! It was even blue, my favorite color! And it was ONLY TEN DOLLARS! I was so excited and claimed it eagerly, taking it up to the register.

My friend laughed at me, telling me it was so me.  My purchase?

A blue tent. It's lovely, and I still have it.  And I still love it.

My friend said, "Pam, only you would go into Ross and get super excited about buying a tent."

Now, what does that have to do with the point I'm making today? Well not that much except it's funny and it sets up my next story.

This isn't a photo of my tent, but I didn't feel like setting it up just to take a pic. It looks pretty much like this, except the door rolls down, not the side, and the bottom is black, not blue.

One year in college, my friend Lydia decided to start a student Bible Study.  She wanted it to be student led. It was small, usually only five or six people, including Lydia and I, and we met in the chapel.  So then it was my turn. I was very inspired, and studied and made reference sheets for like ten people. I put my heart into it and so therefore, I was pretty crushed because the only person who showed up was Lydia.

It was exam week.

So I persevered and Lydia and I alone had Bible Study, there in the chapel, in my tent.  Yes, in my tent, the same blue one from the other story. Because we were studying tabernacling and the concept of our bodies as tents we live in during this earthly pilgrimage. It was an awesome study, but I admit it made me feel like God must not want me to be a leader since this wasn't the first time very few (or no one) showed up for something I tried to set up alone.  But that's an entirely different post.

Now, this blog post isn't really about that Bible Study topic exactly.  Actually, it's more about keeping our bodies in perspective. With the Couch to 5K thing, health concerns, other exercising, and whatnot, I've been thinking a lot about my body.

And I think God wants me to be more conscious of it than I have been in the past. Indeed, my attitude has been, "It's just a stupid temporary dwelling, no need to really care a whit about it" in the past.  That attitude was partially because my body never has been good at doing what I tell it so: I am very uncoordinated, clumsy, unathletic, pimply, allergic... you get the idea.  But mainly it was because I am aware of my own obsessive compulsive tendencies.  I don't have OCD. D is for disorder, which means it messes with your ability to lead a normal life. I don't think that's true. But I know I do have to fight my OC tendencies, and I knew if I told myself "take care of your body" I'd be apt to over do it.

Because I don't want to worship a false god.

I've seen many Christians get sucked into the mentality that our bodies being temples means there's something holy about exercising and eating right (and conversely, that Christian who don't are failing God). They begin to worship their bodies, or health, or their looks, or their endorphin high. Don't get me wrong, you can totally worship while you exercise and eating right is certainly a nice thing.  But when the Bible talks about the Bible as a temple, it's talking about how the most important thing is the Holy Spirit inside it, and that you keep it healthy and holy by refraining from sexual sin.

"Flee from sexual immorality. Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body. Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body." -1 Corinthians 6: 15-20

But God's definitely been telling me to take better care of my body. Just to mend my tent, which has some rips and tears.

Yet, I've become a little OC, as I feared. I'm thinking about it all day long, reading about it, going to bed with it in mind and dreaming about it. Last night in my dream I ran a mile in 7.7 minutes.  I was so happy.

Meanwhile, my brain has been far from God. Grr.

I can see why God wanted me to write this. Every word is searing itself into me. So I have some more to share, with both you and myself.

"For we know that if our earthly house, a tent, is destroyed, we have a building from God, a house not made with hands, eternal in the heavens. And, in fact, we groan in this one, longing to put on our house from heaven, since, when we are clothed, we will not be found naked. Indeed, we who are in this tent groan, burdened as we are, because we do not want to be unclothed but clothed, so that mortality may be swallowed up by life. And the One who prepared us for this very thing is God, who gave us the Spirit as a down payment.
Therefore, though we are always confident and know that while we are at home in the body we are away from the Lord— for we walk by faith, not by sight— yet we are confident and satisfied to be out of the body and at home with the Lord. Therefore, whether we are at home or away, we make it our aim to be pleasing to Him. For we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ, so that each may be repaid for what he has done in the body, whether good or bad." - 2 Corinthians 5:1-10

And as Peter wrote:

"Therefore I will always remind you about these things, even though you know them and are established in the truth you have. I consider it right, as long as I am in this tent, to wake you up with a reminder, knowing that I will soon lay aside my tent, as our Lord Jesus Christ has also shown me. And I will also make every effort that after my departure you may be able to recall these things at any time." 2 Peter 1:12-15  (He's talking about the fruits of the spirit, and obviously he's reminded us of it even after he left his tent, because we're still reading this! :) )

So you see, our bodies are just tents. I don't know how many tents you've seen, but they're flimsy.  You take a knife to one and could shred it in seconds. Not so much houses.  They leak. They need to be resealed every so often. They can be blown over with wind.  You can lose the stakes easily.  They are cumbersome and require assembly.

But they're shelter.  They will keep out more rain and bugs and wind than being out in the open. They're just enough comfort to seem like home, while just enough uncomfort to remind you what home is really like...

As I obsess, God's trying to remind me, and you (especially the women) there's a vital reason he doesn't want us to be comfortable in our bodies. He doesn't. Really.  Why?

Because He's got a beautiful body prepared for you in Heaven.  So if this one is covered with pimples and stretch marks, it's too fat or too thin, it's got stringy hair or frizzy hair, it's too short or too tall, it's too fair or too dark, it's allergic or sick or injured... relax. This is just your tent. We're hiking right now, journeying along. But our tents will wear out. And our journey will end.  And then we'll go to beautiful houses prepared by Jesus himself, houses where no thief can break in and steal and the roof never leaks.

And, like that Bible Study long ago, if this blog post was just prepared for one person, that's okay.  That person is me, and I am so humbled right now because God's been kicking my butt with every word. He's disciplining me, but as the dear Lord's made known:

"Do not despise the LORD's instruction, my son, and do not loathe His discipline;
for the LORD disciplines the one He loves, just as a father, the son he delights in." Proverbs 3:11-12

And so this discipline is a sign to me of God's love, and I really, really need that right now.  I have tears in my eyes.  Love to you all.

Great Friends, Cute Babies, Amazing God

My friends are awesome. Indeed, I am in awe of them.

I have been glum, grumpy, and gloomy for a few days. But it was good seeing my Canterbury friends. Then, I got to talk to my friend Jennifer when I was being all bleh on Tuesday. Then, I got online.

First of all, if you're a facebook friend you should vote for my friend Tabitha's baby, Jordan, in the Gerber baby contest. Why? Cause he's adorable, of course. Why'd you think? Tabby and I hope to hang out Thursday. I miss her.

Secondly, God is totally amazing. You know how when you're dealing with an issue, God just highlights that subject through things and people who don't even know you're going through it? He totally, totally does. It's actually happened many times in the past twenty four hours, but once example I want to share is the writing of a friend of mine over here, where she's a guest author. See, I've been dwelling on my body a lot lately. The externals.  And there's a blog post in that that is coming.

Thirdly, GOD IS TOTALLY AMAZING!! I saved the best for last: A KIDNEY!  You'll remember me telling you about Sadie Mae, my friend Hannah's late daughter who lived in January.  She had Bilateral renal agensis, which has been 100% fatal in infants (though most parents who get the diagnosis choose to abort, so many of the babies may not have had a chance for a miracle).  Basically, the kidneys don't develop, which through a cascade effect, means fluid and lungs don't develop either...

Except now a kidney has developed in one BRA baby currently in utero!  The mother of baby Sweet Pea (the gender is in dispute) who was diagnosed with BRA 10 weeks ago just got the news her baby has a one kidney! Our God is good! So pray, pray, pray that the lungs are developing as well!!!  Baby Sweet Pea will be delivered by C-section on Sept 1st at 36 weeks, if he/she doesn't come earlier.  Pray!!!! 

One Year of Ryan!!!

July Fifth was Ryan and my one year anniversary!!

I love him so! For fun, here is the post from last year where I announced our relationship. 

We got to talk, but otherwise we didn't really do anything special for our anniversary.  And I got stomach cramps and was miserable, so after a few hours of misery I fell asleep and slept until 4pm.  So... all in all, not the best anniversary ever.

But, this is the best relationship ever. :) Except for between Jesus and well, anybody. But we get both! So that's AMAZING!!! YAY FOR RYAN! YAY FOR JESUS!!!

Fourth of July!

Oh, blog, I love you!

So it's been a few days since I got online. This weekend I spent in a stupor from the antihistamines (they make me very drowsy, and I kept taking them).  But the poison ivy on my face, while still rough to the touch, isn't really visible to the eye (with makeup anyway).  The poison ivy on my arm is still there, but well on the road to healing.  In fact, it almost just looks like a few bug bites or scrapes, not poison ivy.

So... the fourth of July! What did I do?

Well, my dad's a volunteer firefighter. Not sure if you know that, but he is. So every year the fire department has an Independence Day fireworks celebration. This year, I invited my friends from Canterbury, who I've mentioned before here.

Earlier in the day, my mom, Alison, and I went Home Depot and bought paint and painting supplies for her bedroom. She's redoing it, since she's moving back in.  After that we came home and I immediately got online to tell the Canterbury folks I'd be there between 8 and 8:30. I had told them it'd start at dusk/sundown (the sun sets around 9pm here in the summer).  And my eyes got big when I read they'd all decided to head over at 6:30... it was 7pm then!

So I grabbed a banana (we'd not had dinner yet) asked Mom to bring my dinner to me when she came, and asked Ali to take me over.

We hung out and played board games, then watched the fireworks. It was fun. I love them.  I was so hungry by the time Mom showed up with dinner... but it was so good!  And then the fireworks were really nice (though the show was not very long this year).  Unfortunately, I didn't have my camera did, though Will brought his, so maybe I'll add some after I steal them from him on facebook. :)

We chatted and decided to get together next month for bowling and pizza.

Someone whose blog I follow shared this verse and I thought it was totally apt for Americans this week, as well as Christians at all times:

"For you were called to freedom, brethren; only do not turn your freedom into an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another." Galations 5:13
Okay, that's my fourth of July post.  I have several more in me waiting to come out!!

What did you do for the fourth?

Ends with Wisdom

I'm home.  Last night we packed up Ali's car and came up. I got in at like 2:30 in the morning, went to sleep, woke up at about 11am, then I had breakfast took really strong antihistamines for the poison ivy, and ended up sleeping again.

I'm drowsy again, I just took another dose. It really is helping, it's definitely gone down. 

Sophie is very happy to have me home. She's collapsed in my lap, Radar in the chair on my side.  At home, I am the dog queen, and they are happy to elevate me to such status.

I miss Ryan, we barely got to talk, but he's at church right now,and when I finish this I'm going to try to sleep.

I'm not really sure what "this" is, to tell you the truth. So I'll just end with real words of wisdom, from the Bible:

"Now since the children have flesh and blood in common, He also shared in these, so that through His death He might destroy the one holding the power of death—that is, the Devil — and free those who were held in slavery all their lives by the fear of death. For it is clear that He does not reach out to help angels, but to help Abraham's offspring. Therefore He had to be like His brothers in every way, so that He could become a merciful and faithful high priest in service to God, to make propitiation  for the sins of the people. For since He Himself was tested and has suffered, He is able to help those who are tested." Hebrews 2:14-18