Guest post: From Ryan

This is Ryan, Pam's boyfriend. She does not have access to the internet because her mother is away for a while. Her mother is visiting her parents and took her laptop with her. That laptop is the only one which has a modem which could be used at home. Normally, she would go to a wifi hotpot with her netbook but it's currently experiencing crazy virus/malware problems. Hopefully she can get online later in the week at a friend's house but if not, she'll talk to you when her mother gets back next Tuesday.

[This is Pam, editing this on Sept 1st. Because Ryan didn't capitalize our names. I HAD to fix that. I mean, I love you honey, but seriously??... maybe I'm a little OCD...]

Bragging on God Friday

"Beloved, we are God's children now, and what we will be has not yet appeared; but we know that when he appears we shall be like him, because we shall see him as he is." 
1 John 3:2

I was praying for God to give me a verse to help me know what to blog about to "brag on" Him for linking up with Brag on God Fridays. As you can tell from my last post, I've been very down. But it doesn't mean my God should be any less exalted. He is amazing and I love Him no matter how low I feel.

This verse is balm to my soul. It makes me smile, and reminds me of my favorite devotional, God Calling, where it's said that to look on the face of God makes the inner man, the original man, the Self, shrivel up and die.  (June 2nd) That part of us that is crucified with Him.

So when it says in the verse above that we shall be like him, because we shall see him as he is, I think about gazing on His face and being transformed. Like the beloved verses (which will always remind me of my dear friend Jane, who I know reads this blog, because of the pure joy she takes in them any time they're referenced) "...when one turns to the Lord, the veil is taken away. Now the Lord is the Spirit; and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is liberty. But we all, with unveiled face, beholding as in a mirror the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from glory to glory, just as by the Spirit of the Lord." 2 Corinthians 3:16-18

So even though I am shattered and broken and worthless and flawed... I am clinging to these verses and trying to look at the Lord.  For the more I dwell with Him, the more I abide in Him, the more I am healed and am changed. There is that promise.  The promise that I'm not what I will be, and I will be like Him.

God is good. And it is my joy to seek His face.

As I searched for the day in God Calling I was thinking of above, I found this that spoke to me as well:

May 30  

Our Lord, we praise Thee.                                 

Praise is the devil's death knell.  Resignation, acceptance of My Will, obedience to it, have not the power to vanquish evil that praise has.

The joyful heart is my best weapon against all evil.  Oh! pray and praise.

You are learning your lesson.  You are being led out into a large place.  Go with songs of rejoicing.  Rejoice evermore.  Happy indeed if each day has its thrill of joy.

Talk to Me more during the day.  Look up into My Face - a look of Love, a feeling of security, a thrill of Joy at the sense of the nearness of My Presence - these are your best prayers.

Let these smooth the day's work, then fear will vanish, and fear is the grim figure that turns aside success.

I needed that right now.

God is so awesome. He leads me to the verse that leads me to the memory that leads me to that which I need.  God's creation is so intricate, and his fingerprints are on every inch.

Yay.

"For Realz"

My day was not great.  I have a sleeping disorder, which causes people to resent me. That makes me resent them, because believe me, if I could wave a magic wand and not have a sleeping disorder I would.

Me, right now.

So that's why I've been on a stay up all night, sleep all day schedule. It's actually my 'natural' sleep default. If I impose no hours on myself I always default back to roughly the same schedule: fall asleep 6:30-8:30 am, wake up 8 hours later.  That's my circadian rhythym.  I can, if I need to, force myself to live a "normal" schedule, but it's like living on a 3rd shift schedule for me.  I can do it, but I don't thrive, and my body crashes back to my normal if I get sick, overtired, etc. It's a constant battle, and it makes me miserable.

I wouldn't be that unhappy if people would understand and let me have reprieves from the battle when there's no need to fight. I am unemployed, and while I'd gladly change my schedule for a job (as I have before) I don't have one.  So theoretically, I should be able to give in to my body, and let sleep not be the enemy, and live in my normal for once, right?

But every time I do, I draw resentment from my family, especially my mother. So it's either fight with my body, or fight with my family.  It depends on my health at the moment which battle I pick, but I admit it wears me out that I have to choose one. I have tried to talk to my family about it, but they refuse to acknowledge the struggle I have and insist that if I loved them I'd try harder.  (I can feel the emotional fatigue this causes me as I type that.)

But lately, I have chosen nature, and I've been on a stay up all night schedule. It's just not in me right now to fight my biology.  So this morning, as I was supposed to be sleeping (after an encounter with my mother, where she screamed at me for not having fallen asleep hours earlier) I couldn't. Because I have having heavy menstrual cramps (don't worry, it was scheduled). But it was so bad I was crying. But I stayed in my room, because I feared going out to the main bulk of the house because I thought I'd be yelled at.  Such has become my existence.

So finally, I realize I am not going to be able to sleep.  It's like 2pm I think. So I come out and tell my mother and sister that I've never slept, and why.  Instantly my mother begins interrogating me and then yelling at me.  I won't go into it, but I storm back to my room and sobbed hysterically.

I am not trying to paint my family as villains. I am not perfect. They do have reasons to resent me.  I am absentminded and so very, very vulnerable lately.  My confidence is gone. Every teasing joke, every offhand comment is like a knife to the heart, so if someone actually gets angry or confronts me, I am shattered.  I am so very, very broken right now.

I called Ryan and sobbed to him, and great man that he is, he prayed with me and directed me to ignore my family, and go outside and sit in the grass and spend some alone time with our Lord.  Which I did.

I have to admit, with the exception of Ryan, it felt like everyone was against me.  Even the Lord, a little. Not that I felt He was against me personally, but I prayed for a Bible verse of comfort and opened the Bible and landed on a violent verse about the wicked being punished and deserving it.  I feel wicked, so I was shaken. Ryan told me to set the Bible down and just pray instead, and when I did that, God rushed in and comforted me.  And later I reminded myself that while I am wicked, the blood of Jesus and the grace of God is indeed sufficient for me. So somehow, by mind blowing miracle, I am not the wicked anymore.  How is that? Incredible.

But sometimes I still act like I am.  I finally got to sleep, then woke up tonight. Because I had fallen asleep so late, I didn't wake up until like 1am, and the rest of the family was going to bed. My light was switched off, which I couldn't remember doing, but I thought "I guess someone did it while I slept to save energy costs." No big deal. But I had to turn it on and leave it on, because I knew later, when I go to bed, I need it on.  My room is not pristinely clean, and I know myself and I would hurt myself in the dark trying to go to bed.  I pulled the chain in the light (which is part of a ceiling fan) and stumbled out to go to the bathroom.  Our house has a strange layout, and you have to walk through my sister's bedroom to get to mine.  So as I passed through her bedroom she said "You have to turn that light off! I can't sleep with it on!"  I was taken aback, groaning in my head.

See, Alison just moved back home. She's been living elsewhere for years, so except for holidays, she's not in her room. I'm just not used to that.

The ac in my room is broken. It only broke like four days ago. But consequently, we'd talked about leaving the door open between our two rooms for the time being, for airflow.  So the light in my room was lighting hers up.

I said, "I'm not going back and turning it off right this minute." I had to pee! And I had just woken up about thirty seconds ago, and my brain was having trouble catching up to the situation.

She said she couldn't hear me. She had like earphones or bluetooth or something hooked up to her cellphone, which had her fiance on the line.  I repeated what I said, but when she said she couldn't hear me again, I just left and went to the bathroom. I figured it would take at most three minutes, and I'd come back and just close the door between our rooms.  I really couldn't turn the light off, because I would hurt myself later. I would have explained that to her before, but she couldn't even understood what I'd said.

So as soon as I came back, I opened Alison's door... to see that she'd gotten up and turned off my light. I groaned and chided her.

"What!?" she yelled at me, and berated me on how she couldn't sleep.

"I was just going to close the door!" I yelled back. I was hardly awake. I don't know how well you wake up, but none of us are cheerful, and Mom especially you can't talk to about anything serious within half an hour or she blows up at you. I'm not that bad, but I'd not been up five minutes yet and the grace to handle being screamed at was still asleep (it rarely wakes up in me, though, I admit).  I stumbled through my room in the dark (with her yelling at me for leaving the hallway door open, which I yelled back that I needed the light.)  During the exchange, I think I called her an "idiot".

I got to the ceiling fan/light and pulled the switch. Nothing.

"You turned it off at the switch, you freak?!" I screamed.  Overreaction, I know.  But remember, there's no ac in my room. So not only did she not care if I broke my neck to bed later, she was totally okay with the air in my room stagnating and heating up.  Also, she'd just watched me stumble in the dark to the middle of the room, when the switch is by the door.

So now, I'd pulled the chain. So I had to go to the switch and flip it back on, then go back to the middle. Where I discovered somehow one of my lightbulbs had burned out between me leaving the room and coming back. I'm screaming at Alison and fighting back tears at this point.  Overreaction again, I admit. But after the day before, it felt like a sign I don't deserve any consideration or any good at all.

I shut the door between my room and hers, and her room returned to darkness.  "Just shut the door! See!?" I yelled as I left.

Instantly, the voice in my head is telling me how horrible and evil I am. I called my sister an idiot and a freak.  I remembered Jesus' words, "But whoever says, ‘You fool!’ shall be in danger of hell fire.". I feel condemned.  I get sick to my stomach. I think of what a horrible Christian witness I am and how if my sister never finds Christ, it's my fault.  I try not to listen, but I don't know how.

I try to pull myself together by getting a drink, only to find we're out of lemonade. Not a big deal, but I really wanted something cold, and that was the only thing in the fridge and we're out of ice.  I make more lemonade and feel the nauseous, anxious pit in my stomach which barely goes away anymore grow.

This feels like my everyday now. I am shutting down.  The longer I stay in this anxious state, the worse of a human being I feel like.  I feel like I'm being refined, but instead of finding gold in me, all God is finding is dross. There's nothing worth salvaging.

So then I come online and read blogs and find two that get me.  One is about the tongue, and words that are said.  It's from Kimberly of A Planting of the Lord, a woman I dearly admire and hope to meet because I won a book from her and it turns out we don't live that far apart and we've talked about meeting up to get it. The book is about finding a confident heart from the Lord, so I probably need it badly.  This post I'm referencing was very convicting, but in that gentle way that is from the Lord who doesn't bread bruised reeds, not the attacking way of the accuser in my head.  I'm such a bruised reed right now.

And then also, Courtney at Storing Up Treasures, who almost always makes me smile or cry with her posts, who started a link up called For Realz.  So I'm linking up, even though she started it yesterday, so maybe nobody will read it from that. Still, I feel like link ups are a way I "put myself out there" which is something I'm struggling with lately.

I'm pretty sure I've developed an anxiety disorder. A year and a half of unemployment is the main culprit. And I've never dealt with things that make me anxious well before it. It's just my confidence in my ability to do anything has been shattered. I feel like a shell most days.

Except when I talk to Ryan.  And I admit sometimes I wish I could take the remote of the movie of my life and fastfoward to India, where I'm his wife and the  mistress of my own home. And I won't feel like the failure or burden I do now, and I'll have adventures outside my doorstep, and I'll know I'm in God's Will.

Yeah, that's what I'm looking forward to right now.  I just want to run away.

What I'm Not Writing

I have no idea what to write about.  But I miss my blog.  I'd like to write a book review, but the book I thought I'd get Tuesday (based on the shipping speed of the last two) still isn't here.  I'd right about Ryan and I... but I feel like nothing new has happened there... I'd write about my sister being home, but you already knew that too.  Hmm...

I'd write about my plans for the next few days... but the truth is, I don't really want to unless it goes well. I'd rather save it for writing about after the fact. It'd be more interesting then, because now it'd just be speculation.

I could write about the Couch to 5K program... except I'm actually planning on doing that after today.  Sort of.

I could write about what my friends are doing. Because I talked to several of them on the phone today. But since I was just talking to them on the phone, and not hanging out with them in person, it would be sort of weird to tell you about them.  It would sort of be like gossip. Maybe. Hmm.

I could talk about my general plans for the future... but that would depress me. Because I don't know what the next step will be in any of them.  I'm frustrated and near tears and feel like a failure and...

Grrr.

Life.  Sometimes.

Yeah. So I guess this is the post that wasn't. Except it is. And the truth is, I love you all. Seriously. Thank you for existing and caring to read this.  You're awesome.

Year of the Deer

Earlier tonight my dad turned to me and said, "You want to take a ride?"

Uhh...

See, I knew what ride he meant. My younger sister Alison was coming home from a vacation. Her train was coming into Columbia, an hour and a half away, at 2 am.  He was telling me this at midnight. I hadn't realized he wanted me to tag along.

So I went and grabbed a quick shower (I really needed it) and we went.

We took a back way to the interstate, which would be faster and more direct.  There's an exit not that far from our house on main roads, but just a minute or two farther away by back roads is an one several exits south. So since we were headed south, it is much more direct. 

However, tonight was a risky night to take the backroads. Four deer came out in front of us.  We were fine though.

Except some construction, it was an uneventful ride down. Then on the interstate back up with Ali, we saw a deer on the side of the highway, threatening to run out. Again, it was fine.

Then, we got off at the same exit we'd taken to leave. We really shouldn't have.  We saw at least nine deer, at least six of which crossed in front of us, in the like five or six miles to home! 

We were able to avoid all accidents though.
.
But wow, this was definitely a good year for deer! They've multiplied like crazy. Most of the ones we saw were young (though a few were big!) and there's also been two sightings of deer near my house this year. We hadn't seen deer at our house in like a decade.

All right, that's pretty much all I got in way of blog posting this evening. I hope you're all doing great! Alison, Dad, and I are safely home and will probably all be sleeping shortly.

I'm in love (with TWO men)

I went to sleep blissfully thinking "Oh how I love that man!!"

I had just gotten off the phone with Ryan, who is, indeed "that man". I am so very in love with him. But I admit, I'm not in love with him alone.

Earlier this summer, when I was hanging out with a single friend of mine, I shared with her something that was shared with me in college.

Since I went to Converse College, which is an all women's college, I've never had this conversation with a man. I don't know if it works the same for them. But a few of my Christian girl friends in college let me in on the secret.

Sometimes, when a Christian girl has a crush on a Christian boy, she's not really crushing on him. She's responding to the Jesus in him. You see, she's already fallen head over heels in love with Jesus. So when she sees Him shining out from a man, something in her swoons.

It was a lightbulb moment for me when I was clued in in college. It explained a few crushes I'd had that I didn't really want to have, but I just felt myself respond to good Christian guys.  (Including a few with girlfriends.) I fought the feelings off, but wasn't sure why they were so sudden and strong. Now I got it.

And earlier this summer, when I told my single friend, there was a long pause. For a second I thought was thinking "Sheesh, Pam is crazy."  But then she exclaimed, "That makes SO MUCH SENSE!" 

Apparently there'd been many boys over the years that she'd felt attraction towards as well.  And once she realized you could respond to the Jesus in someone, it all clicked.

So last night, as I got off the phone, I was so blissfully happy to be loving Ryan.  And it's amazing.  Because unlike those not-quite-real crushes in the past where I was responding to Jesus in a guy, I am genuinely in love with Ryan. And moreover, he also shines Jesus forth.  So I've got a double whammy.  A wonderful, funny, amazing, loving, tender man who pours forth the fragrance of Christ.


Oh how I love that man!!

Sophie's Love

My little dog is sleeping on my chest.  My heart is aching with love.  I am staring at every precious little hair in her head and marveling at the amazingness of her creation. Thank you God. 

My Sophie (this isn't from tonight, but this is pretty much what she looks like right now)

I don't really know what's going on with me these days.  Feels like I can't do anything right.  Everything's falling apart, and it seems like I fail at everything (and fear to try).  Then Sophie comes and seeks me out and snuggles me and I feel better.  There have been times when I've been crying out to God and Sophie comes running to snuggle me. I know our Jesus sent her.  She's His more than mine, and He gave her to me. She's my responsibility and joy.  And comforting and entertaining me is hers. 

God speaks to us in little things.

Waiting With You

It's been a shaky week for me, faith wise.  After my wonderful weekend, I just sort of... faded.  After a brief sojourn out for an hour on Sunday, I've not left the house all week (though I had intended to). I've been just razing myself in my mind. How horrible I am.

And I'm not wrong. I have many failings, I am quite imperfect, and there's evil lurking within me.  But still, God does not call us to dwell on that, but instead to focus our eyes on His perfection, not our own imperfections. It's been very hard for me this week.

Today I found out Bible Study has been cancelled. It wasn't unexpected, but it was saddening.  I feel in need of a good dose of fellowship. Perhaps I'll be able to get a ride to church on Sunday. I'm praying for it.

I feel like I've been utterly useless this week. But God hasn't. He's been here with me, helping me, and He gave me Ryan. Ryan's been a delight (most of the time).  I am going to marry that man. And he knows it.

Earlier, I retreated with the Lord for a little while, and was reading in Genesis.  I was reading about this mighty battle in chapter 13.  It made me think of the battle scenes in the Lord of the Rings movies (minus the non-humans) and I thought "Wow. These were real people out there.  They were mighty in their day, kings of lands.  And except for this brief summary, probably there's no record of them in human history. But how amazing to mentioned in not just history books, but in God's very Word."  And as it talked about soldiers getting caught in tar pits as they fled, I wondered if we'd find their fossils someday...

Then God had me go on to read about Abraham and Sarah. Many of Abraham's conversations are recorded, so I feel like you can kind of peek into his personality in a way you can in only a few Biblical people.  And I read how "Abram believed the LORD and the LORD counted him as righteous".  I pondered the faith of Abraham. And I contrasted it to Sarah. Sarah, who got impatient waiting for God to give what He promised so she told Abraham to lay with Hagar, beginning a people who "lived in open hostility towards all of their relatives" (Genesis 25:18)  Sarah, who laughed when she heard the promise of a son, instead of believed.

Sarah, who had Isaac despite her lack of faith, because God is faithful even when we are not.

It revitalized me.  I'm clinging to God's promises, not just the Biblical ones He's  made to us all, but the personal ones He's made to me.  And I'm seeking patience, because I recognize that trying to make what God has promised happen through our own intervention only muddies what could be perfect.  Too often we Christians urge each other to action. I'm not saying inaction is the option.  But Abraham was 100 when Isaac was born. Patience, and guidance.

You see, if you're a Christian, you're more blessed than Abraham. You have the Holy Spirit within you.  The God of the entire universe doesn't just talk with you, befriend you, guide you as He did with Abraham. He makes His home in you.  I get frustrated when I tell Christian friends I am waiting for God's guidance in order to do something and they try to urge me to action.

The HOLY SPIRT OF GOD is in me.  He created me, my attention span, my quirks, my mind. He created you and yours as well. Do you not think God can't get my attention, if I am seeking Him? Do you think if I pray for guidance in an area He won't lead me?

I've had people argue if you wait for guidance it's a lack of faith. Faith, they say, is just thrusting out in the unknown. I say faith is allowing one step to be highlighted, and taking it, even if you don't know what the next step is. Faith is taking your son up to the mountain thinking he'll be sacrificed, not knowing God will supply a ram instead.  Faith is turning left without knowing if you're walking two feet or two miles. Faith is walking up to a stranger and saying hi because God says to, without knowing why.  That's faith.

If you don't hear God, and He doesn't guide you, no worries.  "Seek and you shall find".  It seems like a lifetime ago when I had no idea how to hear Him if He didn't shout and disrupt my whole universe. But it was really like four year ago.  I used to beat myself up with the verse "my sheep know my voice" because I didn't think I really did.  All these strong Christians, they told me He talked in all things, every day.  And I didn't hear Him-- what if I wasn't one of His sheep? What if I was really a goat? What if my status as His child is a big fat lie?

Then my Father stepped in. The Holy Spirit murmured to my heart and my eyes were opened.  A lamb is not born knowing the shepherd's voice. She learns it.  She sees the way the other sheep react to it. She learns He is a friend and provides safety. She learns which things mean 'come' and which mean 'stop'. She learns. And she's still a sheep. She's pretty stupid. But Her shepherd  is smart, and He will protect her.

So much emphasis is put on the parable of the 99 and the 1.  But remember, once Jesus fetches you and brings you back to the flock, that's the beginning of the story.  The rest of your life is about following Him, and helping other sheep learn to follow Him.

So don't let anyone urge you to "figure out" how to fulfill God's promises. He has it figured out. Just 'go' when you hear Him say 'go'. And wait when He doesn't.  There is SO MUCH to be gained from waiting, if you believe God's promises.

So this is me.  Brain hurting, humbled, weary, and waiting.  And trusting. And sharing with you, who may or may not be waiting.  God bless your work, whether it be in waiting or in action.  And thank you for stopping by...

Sarah (Shilo) and Mark's Wedding!

After waking up 40 minutes late, Lydia and I still managed to get the camp packed up and leave just on time to head to our friend Shilo's wedding.  Shilo was my first college roommate, and Lydia and I actually met each other through her. She was at Converse for two years before she transferred, and the three of us had some really good times.

Lydia, Shilo, and I!

She'd done us the honor of asking us to be bridesmaids, so we definitely couldn't be late! She knew about our camping trip, and had told us it would be fine if we got there with only ten or fifteen minutes to spare. Still, we made sure to leave so that the gps was telling us our ETA was half an hour early.  Which was a very good thing.

Lydia's car has a rattle, apparently, which means that she sometimes has to drive a little slow.  So we lost a few minutes from that. Then the gps told us to make a 'slight left' and we turned actual left, which caused us to lose a few more.  Then the gps tells us to turn... in a Food Lion (grocery store) parking lot?  Confused, we try to follow it and it says "Arriving at destination"...

In a Food Lion parking lot!!

The ceremony space

We called Shilo, and found we were only a mile away, so we got there with ten minutes to spare. The ceremony took place at "The Lakehouse", a community building in her grandparents' housing neighborhood.  It was lovely.  After some intense hugging, bouquets were thrust into our arms and out we processed. The ceremony was very sweet, though unfortunately I don't have any pictures to share because we didn't have time to find someone to take pictures for us.  Mark, the groom, had written a poem for his vows and Shilo's were heartfelt declarations about marrying her friend. For the most part it was secular, but Shilo is Jewish, and they did the traditional breaking of the glass. However, their unique twist on it was that it was a coca cola glass.

The lake view from the ceremony

After the ceremony we settled into a long photo shoot. One fun moment was when Mark and his family were being photographed, Shilo turned to us and said there were little frogs everywhere near the lake and the three of us crouched down in our wedding finery to find one. Totally reminded me of our Converse days!

Some of the photo shooting

The little frog (it's about the size of a dime)

The reception was held at a restaurant they had rented out for the day.  The family and bridal party were announced as we came in (I was "The Beautiful Pam") which was a surprise to Lydia and I.  The rest of the guests had apparently been having fruit and cheese whilst we were being photographed, to which Lydia and I promptly helped ourselves.  Lydia was charmed immediately by the watermelo'lantern (okay, I made that word up.)

The watermelo'lantern!

The couple's first dance.

Shilo and Mark had their first dance, and then the buffet opened.  The food was delicious.  I had broccolini for the first time, and it was quite good.  I also adored the potatoes. Since Shilo is vegan (but Mark's a meat eater like me) I did wonder if they'd go vegetarian, but they had salmon and roast beef, in addition to several generous vegetarian options.

Shilo and Mark dancing.

The Happy Couple

I got excited by the ferns on the curtains. The fun thing about them was they were obviously the restaurants normal curtains. You see, years before she met Mark, Shilo and I had discussed what we'd like for our weddings and she said she'd like a bouquet that was mainly ferns (which she had) and so the curtains just pleased me greatly. They seemed to say "this was meant to be" and suited her exactly even though she'd had no say in them.

You can see the fern curtains in this one (and isn't Shilo's hair just lovely?)

The Cake.

Mark was extremely affectionate with her, which was adorable. They were both obviously over the moon happy, as was exactly right. Next, they did the cake cutting. The cake was vegan, which was a new one for me, but it was actually quite tasty.  Then Shilo sang a song for her groom.

The cake cutting.

A quick embrace.

Shilo singing her song!

An extremely special moment for me, of which I unfortunately don't have photo to share, was when Lydia and I performed a Converse tradition. You see, at the wedding of one of our own, any Converse girls in attendence encircle the bride and serenade her with the alma mater.  It was beautiful, and Shi must have thought so too, because I saw her wipe away a tear.

Friends.

Me flirting with the camera with a fan (which were Shilo's favors)

Following the reception, the family and bridal party were invited back to her grandparent's house where we visited and the couple opened gifts. Mark and Shilo both shared about the other (Mark had a very funny story to tell) and it was great to just visit. After a few hours, Lydia and I began to excuse ourselves, since we wanted to get home in time to unpack and sort our things.  Just as we did Mark cried "Shilo! Come here, you have to see, our car was vandalized!"

The "vandalized" car

It was a great time, and I'd like to say: Congratulations Mark and Shilo! Nothing but the best wishes and love to you both! God bless your marriage!

Camping Trip: Day Two

Lydia's clothes line

Lydia woke up before me. I was still recovering from only getting one hour of sleep the night before, so I lazed for a while. When I came out, Lydia had hung up the wet clothes on a clothes line.  I set stuff up to make breakfast, which we shortly ate. We decided we'd hit Looking Glass Falls first, and after yesterday, meticulously made sure anything that shouldn't get wet was either in the car or in the tent-within-a-tent that now had a tarp thrown over it for double protection!

Lydia and me at Looking Glass, before swimming

Clad in our bathing suits, we headed to Looking Glass Falls, which was my favorite part of camping in this area as a kid. It's a waterfall you can swim under!  When I visited it as a kid, I could swim right up under it (and so did lots of people) but there must have been a drought that year (wasn't there every year when I was a kid?) because you couldn't just swim under it this trip, the current was too strong. But you could swim in the pool below it, and climb the rocks and jump in. Lydia apparently prefers rock climbing to swimming (weirdo! :) )  and was climbing a lot. I came over and perched on a lower rock, and then started looking down. I realized if you scrambled over the low rocks you'd come to a place where you could climb behind the waterfall. So I did. I stuck my head and shoulders below it...

Looking Glass Falls. Isn't it majestic? I especially love the massive rock overhanging it. God is such a masterful artist!

It kind of hurt! I pulled out. I remembered getting behind the waterfall as a kid, and there was a place where you were behind the main bulk of the falls, it falling right in front of your face. But that was swimming right up to the front.  Apparently approaching from the side, you'd have to go through several feet of solid falls to get to such a place, and I was too chicken.

Lydia and I AFTER swimming in the Falls

But Lydia wasn't. She stormed through and found the hollow place and stood behind the falls. I debated following suite after she came out, but decided against it. We swam around some more, then left.  I highly recommend Looking Glass Falls. For strong swimmers like Lydia and I, swimming under the falls is amazing.  But there's also little pools and the river gets peaceful just beyond the main area beneath it, and it's gentle enough for toddlers to wade there. It's a great location, and it's free. (I love National Parks!)

Me, after Looking Glass. See how euphoric I look? It was thrilling!

We left the Falls to head to Sliding Rock, which is basically a natural waterslide. There's a small fee ($1 per person) but it's for the whole day. Except you're not allowed to eat there at all (not even in your car) which is there way of guaranteeing no one stays all day.  But if you ate a generous brunch, this is a very affordable and fun alternative to a waterpark.  Not only is there the actual sliding rock, but you could also play in the river without waiting in line (the line is pretty long, but worth it.)  I went down three times and Lydia went down twice.  I could have stayed, or probably gone back to Looking Glass, but Lydia firmly said she wasn't the mood for being in the water anymore (crazy person) and was hungry (oh, well, that's not that crazy...) and so we searched for a place to picnic.

Lydia coming down Sliding Rock

Whoo hoo! :)

We ended up going to the Pink Beds Picnic Area. We didn't know why it was called that, since there was nothing pink we could see, but it was lovely. Lydia later asked at the Ranger's Station, and they said it had to the with it being a rare kind of Appalachian bog? Regardless, what we saw was a lovely meadow, surrounded by forest, with a mountain rising up behind it.  It was peaceful and sunny and we had lunch and enjoyed watching children playing.

Pink Beds Picnic Area

Me, at Pink Beds, having lunch

We left and decided to head up to the Blue Ridge Parkway, just a few miles up, to find an overlook and get some mountain range pictures, which we hadn't had yet. We just stopped at the first overlook, which wasn't the best I'd ever seen but did it's job.

View from the overlook

We decided to try to go to Moore Cove Falls next, which I hadn't seen before, but before we got there, we decided to pull into the Cradle of Forestry area.  We didn't end up going in, because it was $5 per adult. Which wasn't bad, considering all they offered, but we'd not planned ahead for it and it wasn't in the budget. Maybe next time.

Me at the Overlook

Then we tried to go to Moore Cove Falls, which was supposed to be a .7 mile hike off the main road... except the trail head was taped off with a sign hanging off it saying "Trail Closed for Maintainence". Darn.  Especially since apparently the trail leads you to a cave behind the waterfall. Doesn't that sound magical?  Maybe next time.

That's when we stopped by the Ranger's Station, where we picked up some things in the gift stop to give to our friend Shilo whose wedding we'd be going to the next day (and who is an intense nature lover and vegan, so this was an appropriate place to shop for her).  Then we went back to the campsite and had dinner.

I wanted to head to the swimming hole again.  She resisted, because water doesn't have the same draw for her as it does for me. But we'd brought a bandmintion/volleyball set we'd never set up and we packed it in the car, trying to start cleaning up, we decided to take the rackets and birdie to the water. I got in and she stood on the bank and we played. Neither of us are good, but it was funny and a few kids grabbed rackets and joined us.  Then I took my racket to shore and swam some more.  Lydia went tubing again, then went got and her guitar and perched on the bank and serenaded the swimmers.  The draw water has for me, music has for her, so we were both quite happy.  We stayed until the sun went down.

Lydia playing at the s'mores fest.

We went back to camp and tried to have a s'more fest.  We couldn't get the wood to catch fire, so we kept shoving in papers and throwing fuel alcohol on it (as lighter fluid).  We sang songs as Lydia played guitar. It was fun. Then we made sure everything that could be was packed away, because we were setting the alarm for 6:00am. We had to leave by 8:30 in order to get to Shilo's wedding in time.

Roasting marshmellows

It was a WONDERFUL, AMAZING trip and I had SO MUCH fun!

Camping Trip: Day One

Lydia and I had an amazing two day camping trip!

So the night before I was supposed to pack and I realized there wasn't enough hours for that and sleep. I have a tendency to underestimate how long things take.  I started freaking out. I wanted to text Lydia and tell her our 9 am departure time was unrealistic and we should aim for 11... But neither Lydia nor I have a cell phone anymore.  And I couldn't exactly call her housephone at 3am. So I was stuck.

I did end up getting one hour of sleep. Part of the problem was it stormed overnight. I'd planned to go out to the car and get some stuff, look for somethings in the garage (which is detached, so you have to go outside to access), and take a shower. All of that had to be put off until the morning.  When Lydia arrived at my house, irritatingly on time, I wasn't ready.  We didn't leave my house until 9:45...

Lydia driving

But ultimately that didn't matter. We got up to the campsite at about 11:30.  We were staying at the Davidson River Campground in Pisgah National Forest.  Technically check in wasn't until 4pm, so we'd planned on doing something like a small hike or taking pictures from an overlook until then. But Lydia thought we should at least check and see if maybe the campsite was already ready... and it was! So we were able to set up camp before lunch, have lunch and hit the campground's swimming hole.

The swimming hole

It was so much fun! After we swam and jumped off the jumping rock a few times, it began raining. I wished I had a waterproof camera several times during the trip, and this is the first one. It was so cool, the way the rain fell into the river. It was pouring and it was beautiful.  We all continued to swim, and laugh (there were always at least a couple other people at the swimming hole besides us) until it began to thunder. Then, grudgingly we left.  By the time we got to our campsite (only like a two minute walk away) the storm was almost scary in intensity.  I was very glad I had thought before we left to put anything that shouldn't get wet in the car or tent. It had been bright and sunny and it wasn't that I thought it would rain: it was just that the last time I was here it stormed most of the time (when I was in high school.)

Me, playfully swimming

So Lydia and I make it to the tent with grateful thoughts of warm, dry shelter... only to open the door and find our blankets, suitcases, and other things were completely soaked! Apparently the tent definitely needed to be re-waterproofed before we went (something you should do to your tent every other year or so!)  It was pouring in.  After gazing in open mouthed horror at the puddles and soggy belongings, Lydia and I looked at each other... and burst out laughing. 

Lydia had brought her guitar and djembe, and we passed the rest of the storm perched on rolled up foam mats and singing praises to God. Oh, and emptying buckets and pots of water pouring in!

The wet tent.

When the storm ended, we decided to go back to the swimming hole, this time with the inner tube graciously lent to us by our friend Suzanne.  Lydia went tubing first, while I swam. The current was much, much stronger with the new water from the storm added.  She went down oh, maybe a quarter of a mile, then got out and walked back and it was my turn.  She warned me it was hard to get to the side, and also attached a pair of flip flops, saying I'd need them on my walk back (little did she know!)

So I set off. I'll be honest, I was only hoping I'd enjoy it, not anticipating I would. I don't really like moving without feeling like I'm in control. Or rather, that someone is... the river made it very hard to steer. It was fun, but I was nervous crash into a rock, or fall out, or something...

Lydia, tubing (near the swimming hole, the river does get less calm later)

So suddenly I realize I'm passing the place where Lydia got out. I'm in the very middle of the river. I try to steer to the right, which is the side of the river you have to exit on (the entire campground is to the right, to the left is only a steep bank).  But the river kept trying to push me to the left.

So while I'm fighting with the river, I realize I can't see any places to get off! I remember from when I was a kid and we did tubing, there was a bridge going over the river and you really needed to get out by then... so I assured myself I hadn't seen that bridge yet as my adrenaline rose and I prayed.  Just not in my comfort zone!

Suddenly, I saw a bunch of rocks jutting out into the river from the bank: a nice easy place to get out!  I steered towards it, got up, put on my flip flops and started carrying the tube... But then I read the signs.  They told me to stay off the banks, they were trying to restabilize them!  I walked down the rocks, but there was no way up. I stood there for a few minutes, praying for Jesus... or Lydia... someone to rescue me. But it was obvious there was only one choice. So I told God I trusted Him, and launched myself back in the river.

After a while, I saw a place where tree roots formed a ladder that could be climbed up.. as I zipped past. Encouraged it could happen again, I steered in that direction.  I missed the next one by like two feet! But the third one I was able to grab and pull myself up.

I was probably a mile down from where I started!  And that bridge I'd looked for? As I walked down I saw that the bridge had been taken off to have construction work done to it! I'd zoomed past it without realizing it.  But the walk back did afford me time to gaze at some pretty things, which I later went back and took photos to share with you and remember.

Lovely ferns I came across on my walk back

The "English Chapel", a little church in the campground

We went back to camp and ate dinner, then grabbed our wet blankets and wet clothes and headed to Brevard, the nearest town, to find a laundromat.  We eventually did, but it was a quarter for five minutes in the drier! So we only dried our blankets, and only until they were mainly dry, not totally dry.

By the time we got back to the campsite, we were hungry again. Our firewood had gotten wet, so we didn't try to make a fire, but instead roasted a few hot dogs and s'mores over the flame of our propane camp stove.

We set up a second tent inside the first tent. That's right!  See, when Lydia and I got together last week to figure out what supplies we'd take on our trip I'd brought my tiny little two person tent to air out, as well as my parent's big three room tent. When we found out it was only going to be Lydia and I (there was another girl who backed out) it especially made no sense to pack two tents.  So it was by mistake that my little tent ended up coming with us... but thank you God that it did!

The-tent-within-a-tent

Because we didn't really want to be on top of one another, Lydia set up her sleeping stuff in the main tent, and I got in the tent-within-a-tent, with the plan being that if it started raining again, Lydia would come in. So when I woke up as she unzipped my little tent I sleepily asked "Is it raining?"

"No," she answered, "I'm just cold. It's damp." So I rolled over and let her in.  That was our first day. And even though it sounds kind of crazy, it was a lot of fun.

Book Review: Love You More by Jennifer Grant

It was my pleasure to read Love You More: The Divine Story of Adopting My Daughter by Jennifer Grant. Grant takes us through her family's journey: from childless married couple, to having three biological children, and then feeling the calling from God to adopt her daughter. She discusses the decision to adopt internationally, and which country they chose (Guatemala) and then falling in love with her daughter's picture. She takes us through the wait, and then unlike many stories of adoption, continues to tell us how her family adjusted to each other. She holds nothing back, discussing the pain of her miscarriage, misconceptions she held about adoption, and sharing with us the story of friends of hers who struggled with infertility before completing their family with adoption.

I loved Grant's voice and found it easy to relate to her. I laughed several times, and also bit back tears. I identify with the longing for kids she described as "missing her children" before they were ever born. I feel honored Grant invited us to peer into her family life, and was much happier for it.

On a Christian level, I was personally pleased to discover we are both Episcopalian, which I’ve found rare in Christian authors. While writing her own family's personal journey, and following Jesus' call for their life, she also tries to make the book accessible to any family adopting or considering adoption. I did think she tried too hard to relate on a global level by referencing the beliefs of other religions, though she never compromised her Christian viewpoint.  It was lovely to see the obedience with which she and her husband responded to God's direction for their family.

It was a very "real" book, and I definitely recommend it.

I got this book free from booksneeze.com in exchange for an impartial review!

Healed.

It is my intense pleasure and joy to let you know that I have been healed. 

This is the problem which I discussed in the post The Problem and the Cancer Risk (Part One).  As you probably remember, I revealed a few weeks ago that I'd been having unceasing feminine bleeding for nearly two years (don't remember the exact date it started, but it was at least twenty months).  My doctor gave me a biopsy, which came up negative, so the plan was to continue to take pills and if it'd not stopped in a few months, to have surgery.

But it stopped overnight Monday. So it'd been two full days when I left for my trip, so I decided to wait and tell you when I came back. Because maybe I was just getting two days off, maybe I was really done with it.

It appears to be the latter.

Thank you so much for your prayers.  And I do believe the healing service at my church had a lot to do with it.  I also give medicine credit, but it is shared with God, who after all gave the intelligence to the scientist and my physician to create and treat this condition of mine.  So I am praising God and I hope you will join me!

Yay!!!!!!!

I have so much to share with you about the camping trip and the wedding, but for now I just want to let you know this and say THANK YOU GOD!

A-Camping We Will Go!

I shall miss you.

I am leaving... to go camping!

I am very excited. My friend Lydia and I are meeting up at 9am to set off (or maybe pack up the car then head off... depends on how on top of things we are).  We're spending two days in the mountains of North Carolina. We're going to a campground I went to as a kid with my parents. I thought it was great then, and I anticipate Lydia and I will enjoy ourselves immensely.

And we'll be basically totally cut off. I mean, we'll have a phone for emergencies, but it's a prepaid cell, so we're not using it for anything else! (I will miss Ryan like crazy!) I anticipate this not only be a great time of swimming and s'mores and tent pitching adventures, but also a time for praising and seeking God. I'm praying for a specific prayer request to be answered during this trip.

Oh! And I'm excited because I was praying I'd get my next book to review in the mail in time to take it on the vacation and... it came!  So that will be great. I love, love, love to read!

So we'll be there all day Thursday and Friday and then on Saturday our plan is to get up before sunrise on Saturday, drive to an eastern facing overlook and watch the sunrise. That way we get in something really cool before we pack up in a hurry, doll ourselves up, and hurry to a friend's lunchtime wedding where we're bridesmaids!

I will definitely tell you all about both the trip and wedding when I get back. Right now I'm gathering things up for packing. I slept really late today so I'm just not sleepy yet. I am hoping I will be able to get in at least a few hours of shut-eye before leaving.

I'm a Mess, but Jesus is Saving Me Anyway

Jesus really came through.

About twelve hours ago I was freaking out and filled with anxiety. Right now I am sitting down to right a blog post and all I can think about how grateful I am for all the blessings in my life. 

What happened in the intervening twelve hours you might ask?

Prayer.

Seriously, the situation I was anxious about? Nothing has changed.  God didn't change the situation. He changed my heart. I was praying and calling out to Him in the heat of it.  Later, I was reading and meditating on the Bible. So far, the situation that caused the anxiety isn't getting resolved... but the mess inside my heart is!

I freak out sometimes that people will look at the things of my life and think what a failure I am.  I was about to launch into a list of the reasons, but realized that would only serve to bring me down.  But it's all externals.  I worry that because externally my life looks like it's such a failure, people won't think they need to see my God in me.  They'll think "Why would I want Jesus? Pam's a Christian, and she's an utter mess."

That could be a legitimate interpretation, but it's only looking at the externals. But the externals all pass away. External is not eternal.  My credit rating or college gpa or how clean my house is or any of these other measures we use to judge each other? That will all pass away soon. But my soul? My spirit? That will live on.

And if you look at the internal me, you'll see a different story of my life. Oh, it's still a mess. I get anxious. I fear. I worry. I get angry. I hate. I despair. But it's so much better than it used to be. It's in process. I'm in process. God is changing me from, well, me, into the being that can be one with Him. It's a lengthy process. And just like when you're cleaning up a mess, sometimes it has to get messier before it gets better. Sometimes you have to pull the mess out of it's hiding places and spread it all over the floor and sort through it in order to resolve it. 

But God is resolving me. And He's teaching me. Just like a baby learning to walk or talk or hold my bottle or not to touch a hot stove or... Think about how many things a baby must learn to prosper in adult life! How much more must God's children learn to prepare for their spiritual adulthood: eternal life in union with Him!  Though the lesson we learn takes time, it is simple:

Listen to, lean on, and trust in Jesus. Always.

Blessings

Yesterday I wrote you a blog post. However, the internet on the computer I was writing on wasn't working. So not only did it not post, it didn't save the draft.  Ah well.

So instead of some well thought-out paragraphs making some great point, I'm going to take a minute to count my blessings while I link up with I'm Blessed.


I'm blessed:
-to have Ryan in my life.
-to have a dear friend like Tabitha.
-to be healthy!
-to have an education.
-to have the Lord my God as my Savior, Father, Friend, and so much more to me. God, I love you. I love you so much.
-to have enough to eat each day.
-to have friends to rely on.
-to know the meaning of valuable, and that is has nothing to do with money.
-to be able to read and have access to wonderful books.
-to have pets.
-to have my family.
-to have this blog and you, dear reader.

Love you all and hope your week is blessed.