Body Image, Part 1

Me, this June

I was recently reminded of some wise words given to me by a friend back in college.  She'd been praying over her own body image problems and God gave her some immense wisdom, which she felt He wanted her to share with me.

He told her that God had designed her body to please her future husband. So when she complained against her body, she was saying God didn't know how to give good gifts!  Now I realize some of you out there might object to the idea of a woman's body belonging to her husband, but the Bible is clear that not only does her body belong to her husband, but her husband's body belongs to her!

"The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. And likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does." -1 Corinthians 7:4

I was reminded of this while I was on the phone with Ryan the other day. I'd gone into the bathroom to wash my hand on the way out I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror.  Our medicine cabinet mirror is really three mirrors. When closed, they create one, but one of the doors was slightly ajar. The effect created had my right and my left side an inch or so closer than they normally were; I looked instantly slimmer! I smoothed out  my shirt and preened with a sigh and said to Ryan, who couldn't see it, "I wish I was skinnier."

Me, 4th of July

To which my Ryan replied, "Don't. I love your body just the way it is."

Instantly I remembered the insight my friend had shared from God back in college as I laughed and thanked God in my head.  Ryan and I have had talks about our bodies many times. And he'd be okay with it if I lost weight, if I felt I needed to... but he'd also be just as happy if I stayed just as I am.

And I thought of all those years before I met Ryan, when I'd bewail my body. Admittedly, there were also times I was perfectly happy with the way I looked and felt.  It's been a mixed bag. Whenever I'd feel good about myself, people would waggle an eyebrow when I took an extra cookie or I'd see guys check out every girl I was with and not glance in my direction and all my good feelings would be gone.

But God had a plan. He know my Ryan. And He knew the body He'd given me was the body Ryan would like... when I first became overweight, I was 12, and I had done nothing to gain it.  Four years later we realized I had PCOS.  Since then, there's been pretty much nothing I can do to lose it, though I'd get incremental gains.  I'd diet for a month and gain four pounds. I'd gain muscle but not lose any fat from exercising.  So I'd give up, and I'd start to accept maybe this was what God wanted for me... and then someone would come along and tell me no, and imply that since I wasn't fit and thin I wasn't really honoring God's temple. When the Bible talks about honoring our bodies as the temple of the Holy Spirit it refers not to exercise or eating but only specifically to not being sexual immoral. Anything more is speculative interpretation. Not necessarily wrong, but not necessarily right either... but since you don't know, it would  make me worry and doubt. And I'd start hating on my belly and stretch marks once again.

I also worried about losing the weight when I was single. Because what if I did find a guy, but a guy who'd only have been interested in me skinny? I'd not want him then. Because who I am wouldn't change with my waist size, and any man who wouldn't want me when I was large didn't deserve me when I was smaller.  So I didn't worry about driving off the man of my dreams with my weight, but instead worried if I lost it I'd attract a loser who'd lie and say he'd have liked me before.

For the same reason I didn't try to be a 'bbw' (big beautiful woman) and meet men who had a thing for large women. Because I wouldn't mind losing weight. What if I did and the man I loved didn't like me then?

Instead, I kind of always figured the man for me would be a man who'd look past my body and see the real me, a being who transcends it...

It didn't occur to me that I'd find a man who delighted in my body.  That had seem preposterous, I guess because myself I basically overlook my body except a few nice features. I don't delight in it; how could anyone else?

But Ryan does.  I'm just his type! I thank God for this, because He made me and He made Ryan and He knew we were meant for each other.  I love Him, God, thank you.

You give good gifts.

Looking Forward to Sharing More

I've not been posting freestyle so much. I'm sorry about that, since really that's what most people enjoy reading and I enjoy writing.

By freestyle I mean not a link-up, book review, psalm journey, See Pam Run or other formatted, pre-determined post.  I like all those kinds of posts, but I've been too rigid about them lately. For example, I'll think of a great idea for a post and then get all excited... and then go "Oh. You know what? It's Monday, I need to do my 'I'm Blessed' Post. I guess this can wait until tomorrow." Then by the next day I've forgotten what I wanted to write about, or at least have lost the burst of inspiration that makes it easy to write. Or I'll think "I'd write that now... but I really need to get my book review up so I can request a new book to get it by X date" (I love getting free books). So I prioritize that.

You bloggers out there are probably going, "Why don't you just write out those blogs in draft and schedule them for later?"  Well, basically because I usually only have time for one post, maybe two.  We have dial up at the house, which means every page takes at least twenty seconds to load, which adds up to a lot of minutes. I have blogs I follow, and I honestly hate getting more than three days behind so I'm always spending a good portion of the time I'm online reading those blogs.  I also am using my mom's laptop. And we don't have a second phone line or cell phones.  So I rarely ever get online during the day, but instead during the night or early morning when I'm not clogging the phone lines. And about 60% of the time I think about getting online lately my mother is either using the phone or her computer, which is her right of course, but makes it all the more difficult.

I went through a writer's block phase last month, and having the pre-determined posts really helped me be disciplined to write even when I wasn't feeling creative.  But this month I am feeling creative, and that creativity is being stifled by the very methods that helped me before.

I'm realizing that I keep pushing off the freestyle posts for the more 'important' scheduled posts... over and over again.  And suddenly I'm lucky if I get one freestyle post for ten formatted ones. And that's just silly.

So beginning now, I'm going to try to take a different attitude. This doesn't mean that I'm not going to participate in link-ups or stop doing book reviews.  But it does mean I might not get to one until a few days after the link-up is up or the book is read.  This blog is supposed to be about sharing with you and expressing myself... and while I can do that in those formats, I can't do it in those formats primarily. 

So I look forward to sharing more with you in the days to come. And I honestly love you all.

Book Review: Why Men Hate Going to Church by David Murrow

In most churches, not just nationwide but worldwide, there is a gender gap: more females than males attend. This is especially critical to churches when you realize that churches that have a large gender gap usually plateau and die, and many believe no gender gap is an indication of a churches spiritual health. David Murrow focuses on this issue, the possible reasons for the problem, and more importantly, practical steps churches can take to help fix it, often without majorly alternating the important things. (If you've read this book before, this is a new revised edition.)

I found the book interesting, and I'm already thinking about who I'm going to lend it to, but I admit I can't rave about the book yet. For one, I was irritated by his criticism of men who do go to and like church, accusing them of being feminine or even effeminate, especially if they are verbal, academic, or artistic. I don't really think masculinity depreciates because you did well in school or are a musician. However, since the author attends church and writes, he was sort of self deprecating with these remarks, so I don't think he meant them too harshly. I also disliked his classification of several things as feminine or masculine. He based it on surveys, but that seemed like a chicken-and-the-egg scenerio to me: were these things gender specific, and drove men from church to avoid being feminine or did men perceive church as feminine and some things became feminine by association?  It's an important distinction because in the latter category Murrow might be recommending we downplay or disregard things that are essentially just Christian but have been poisoned by a skewed cultural worldview. For example, he criticized talking about Christ as our bridegroom as making some men feel gay, but this is a Biblical metaphor expounded upon by Paul.

 While I think that this a cool book and it made me want to help reach men and boys, I think that every Christian should be cautioned to pray before implementing a single idea from it because anything not founded in the Lord will be futile anyway!

I received this book free from the publishers in exchange for my unbiased review.

Waiting on a Guest Post!

I wrote a guest post over on Oh That Mom Again, which was posted on Wednesday... but I'm just now getting to telling you about it. So go check it out! The subject is Waiting on God, so I guess it's fitting you guys had to wait a few days for me to link to it...

Couch to 5K: Sensible Break

When I started the Couch to 5K originally, I had a deadline: the 5K my friend Hannah was organizing in honor of her daughter. However, she and her husband decided to a) change the date and b) change it to a balloon release.  Which I totally understand, it sounds like she and her husband prayed and found peace about the change.

I started week 5 last Tuesday, and day one was the hardest I'd done so far, but I completed it. I was all set to do day two on Thursday... but there were storms and a tornado warning so I decided that was a no-go.  I cut my foot on Thursday night, so now I have an inch long cut on the ball of my foot, which made it not going to happen on Friday, even if I hadn't have had my job interview, errands, and then Bible Study. Due to nerves, I hadn't slept well so I slept in on Saturday and woke up just a few hours before sundown, and didn't feel up to running. On Sunday, I had church in the morning, and since I'd slept in so late on Saturday, I'd not gotten sleep Sunday night, so I came home from church and went to bed. Then Sunday evening I had to pick up something for my new job....

At this point I'm realizing I'm just not getting to this exercise. And I'm nervous. I was a cashier in high school and it took a horrible physical toll on my feet. I'm kind of scared of the pain I'm sure is coming now that I'm a cashier again, and the cut on my foot still isn't 100% healed besides. And I remember how the C25K had hurt my feet before...

Black Friday is Friday.  I really need my body to hold up as well as it can, and it's already got some stuff going against it.  I've decided to forego the C25K for at least this week, and perhaps longer, so I can have a good first week at my new job, without fear of injury (outside of just standing too long!).  

I don't know if some will be disappointed in this. I do plan on starting again, probably next week, and I'm just going to re-do Week 5 Day 1, I think. If my break lasts longer than next week, I'll probably do one of week four's exercises, then take it back up with Week 5. 

I feel lame doing this, but I also feel peace about it. I am no longer signed up for a 5K, so I have no deadline, so I can afford to stretch it out if needed. And since I'm apprehensive about injury, well that's not good for my mental health. I'd like to get through the stress of my first week of work without worrying about that too, and this is the most sensible solution to that problem.

Book Review: Dragons of Chiril by Donita K. Paul

I loved this book.  Dragons of Chiril by Donita K. Paul is the exciting (and amusing) adventure of Tipper and her companions quest to save the world.  Tipper is a brave young girl who has been struggling for years to keep her family and household together since her father mysteriously disappeared.  Then he comes back... mostly... with news that due to his mistake years ago, the world is falling apart. So now Tipper and her companions set out on a quest filled with magic, dragons, and art to save her family and the world.

I found this book to be thoroughly enjoyable! I finished it with a satisfied sigh and a strong desire to have more of Paul's books to dive into! And, of course, the book goes even deeper than my description in the first paragraph: it's a Christian allegory! Aside from the news that oh, yeah, the world is falling apart and I need your help to save me, Tipper's father also brings a new awareness and understanding of Wulder, the Creator, whose name has been forgotten in the land of Chiril.

Sci-fi/Fantasy is my favorite genre, and I also adore Christian fiction (and God!) so this was really a book right up my alley.  From the cover and illustrations, I could also see how the publishers have printed this to be targeted to an older child/teenager market, but I also thoroughly enjoyed it as an adult. This would be a great book for pre-bed time reading to your children as well.

It's important to note that this book apparently was published previously under the title The Vanishing Sculptor for longtime Paul fans, but for a newbie like me, that's not as important. But I can imagine I'd be pretty bummed if I saw a "new" book had come out from one of my favorite authors, only to discover I'd read it before, so I thought that was worth emphasis.

I received this book for free from the publishers in exchange for my unbiased review.

Thanksgivings and Blessings

Yay!

I'm just smiling here. I am so very, very blessed.

I'm thankful I got to go to my church this morning. It's been a few months since I got to go, and not only did I have a ride, but I also got to go to Sunday school! So exciting and awesome! I love my church family, I got to greet and catch up with many I'd not seen in a while, plus meet new people.

I'm thankful for my family and the upcoming Thanksgiving holiday.

I'm thankful for the internet and how I can connect with friends and family far away.

I'm thankful for love, and patience, and those immaterial blessings I've been given in abundance.

I'm thankful for warmth and shelter.

I'm thankful for the generosity of my parents and sister as they help me a lot this week.

I'm thankful Ryan's getting promising leads on a job that could lead us into our future.

And finally, of course, I'm thankful that this week, after 586 days, I got a job!

God is so good!!

I'm linking up with I'm Blessed and Thankful Tuesdays. You know what that means? That means click those links if you want to go read more people counting their blessings and/or for you to do your own post and link it up with others!  A great way to celebrate Thanksgiving this week!

Brag on God... Saturday.

I didn't do a Brag on God Friday post on Friday, because I was really busy... getting a job! I had the interview at noon. I got there and they had me take a questionnaire on the computer, then wait ten or twenty minutes for the interview.

God really provided, because in the interview was an employee sitting to train in case she has to do interviews in the future... and I went to college with her! Having someone I knew there really calmed me down.  I didn't find out until then for which position I was actually applying. I had applied for a few online.  Then the man interviewing me told me I'd have a second interview... in twenty minutes!

So after a little more waiting, I met with another interviewer.  At the conclusion on the interview, I was told to wait another ten minutes. After that, I was brought back into the second interviewers office and offered the job! 

As I said in my last job, this is after nineteen and a half months of unemployment. It's a seasonal position, but any work is welcomed, and I am very happy.  I start on Tuesday.

Another answer to prayer and waiting will come to fruition tomorrow morning: I have a ride to church! I've been praying and asking for a ride to my own church for three months.  I've been able to go to other churches, but this is my home church, and I've not had a regular ride in far too long. Admittedly, my new job is the kind with unpredictable schedule so I don't even know if I can go again next week, but I have a ride for tomorrow, and that's great! And I'm trusting God on the rest of it.

Gainfully Employed

I got a job!!!

I am now a seasonal cashier at a large retail chain. I start Tuesday.

Yay.  After 19 and a half long months, I can say: I have a job!  God is so faithful and good!

A New Look

I've tweaked things on the blog here. Check it out and tell me what you think. :)

Thankful for Blessings

I am thankful for God.  He's been lifting me up and holding me, not just this week but every day of my life.

I am thankful for Ryan. He is just the most awesome and amazing man. I am so, so, so incredibly thankful to love and know Him. God, you did so good! I love him so much! Thank you!

I am thankful for having a bank account in the black. It was a constant niggling stress over every minute of every day before... it's amazing to think about money and not feel my chest gripped by a panicked plea of "What am I going to do????"

I am thankful for my friends I've not talked to this week, which is actually most of them.  But I'm seriously thankful to know they're still out there, still loving me, and I want them all to know I still love them, no matter how long it's been since we last talked.

I'm thankful for the fall foliage. It's just so pretty!

I'm thankful for the temperate temperatures. My mom and I are quite happy it's mellowed, however briefly.

I'm thankful for ketchup. I love ketchup.  I don't think I've ever officially said thanks for it, but now I am.

I'm also thankful for potatoes, now that I think about it.  And potatoes and ketchup together as well.

I'm thankful for waiting, and the way it stretches us. I'm thankful to have people, God included, who assure me that I'm making progress even when I can't see it.

I'm thankful for pets and a family that loves them so much.

I'm thankful for my family.

I'm thankful I didn't get bronchitis when I thought I did! Ha!

Linking up with I'm Blessed Mondays and Thankful Tuesdays.

Book Review: An Amish Wedding by Wiseman, Fuller & Long

This was actually my first Amish fiction book, though I was pretty sure from knowing my personality that I'd like the genre already.  An Amish Wedding is actually three novellas by three different authors that intersect and take place in the same Amish community. A wedding takes place in the last story that is referred to throughout the other stories.

If I was reading this again, I'd advise you not to read the text on the back cover, I feel like it gives away too much.

I was a bit puzzled by the fact that the theft in the first story was not approached more as a sin and a wrong than as an adventure, but by the end of the story the concerns I felt were met and I was able to enjoy it.

I liked the hero and heroine of the second story best. I enjoy their interactions and personalities and related to them very well over all.

The hero and heroine of the third story are the bride and groom of the wedding alluded to throughout.  I was amused by the headaches they had as they approached their wedding day, and touched at the way the author chose to bring God's peace to them.

Overall I found this first foray into the Amish fiction genre to be thoroughly enjoyable and refreshing. I think I'll check out more in the future.

I received this book free from the publishers in exchange for my unbiased review.

Weekly Psalm Journey

Okay, so it's been a little more than a week. I've not really been able to get online much the last few days, and when I have I've decided the Psalms can wait one more day... then another...

So here are my reflections on Psalms 37 through 45.  And if you'd like to reflect along with me, add yours below!

Psalm 37-This psalm offers a lot of wisdom: the brevity of man's life, to take delight in the Lord, to commit our way to Him and He'll vindicate us (let God fight our battles for us, don't insist upon your 'rights'), to be still and wait for Him, refrain from anger and worry because they lead to evil, the day of judgment is coming, it's better to be poor and righteous than rich and wicked, to be generous, that if you hold onto the Lord you might stumble but you won't fall, God will not forsake those seeking Him, hope in and obey God and He'll exalt you, God delivers the righteous... all this and more in this little Psalm. It's jam packed.

Psalm 38- In the mood I was in when I read this psalm, it portrayed just how I felt. In it the psalmist laments at his weak and desperate sake, and how he is waiting on the Lord and pleads to not be forsaken. I identified with it so strongly then. I was feel desperate and was waiting for God to come through. And he did.

Psalm 39- Again I really identified with this psalm. I was feeling very anguished in my spirit, very convicted of my sins and weaknesses.  And again, I declared that I was waiting on Him.

Psalm 40- A few years ago, someone pointed out this Psalm as being important in my life, that God makes this true in my life:
I waited patiently for the LORD;
   he turned to me and heard my cry. 
He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
   out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
   and gave me a firm place to stand.
And I believe, and I pray through this psalm and it is precious and reverent to me.

Psalm 41- Pondering this one. I can see where Jesus quoted it; I can also see David's voice distinctly. The Bible is such a fascinating, living book.

Psalm 42- I sang this one. :) This one is the first Psalm of 'book two' of the Psalms. Did you know there was more than one book? I didn't.  This psalm (and remember they're all songs) has a noticeable refrain.  This is also the Psalm that says "as deer pants for streams of water so my soul thirsts for the Lord".

Psalm 43- Guess what? Since I sang the Psalm before, it was easy for me to see that Psalm 42 shares the same refrain. The notes say some ancient sources combine them.  It's from this psalm that my friend Lydia and I wrote a song a few years ago, based on verse 4 "And I will go to the altar of God, to God, my exceeding joy, and I will praise Him, I will praise Him with harp, Oh God, my God, my exceeding joy!"

Psalm 44- Hmm. I found this Psalm interesting, because the psalmist claims, on behalf of the nation of Israel, that they've been faithful to the covenant with their forefathers, but they're being crushed anyway because God has forgotten to be their God, and they cry out "Awake!"... yeah, I don't buy that. I mean, bad stuff does happen to 'good' people, that's not what I'm objecting too, but none of us are perfect. None of us could perfectly carry out the Mosaic covenant. But still, I identify with the feelings, I get where it comes from, and often the Psalms are about honest emotion.


Psalm 45- The notes about this psalm say it's a wedding song. As they describe the magnificent king groom, my heart can't help but cry 'My Jesus!' with love.

Couch to 5K: Week Four

Finished week four. Yay! This is also the last week I do the same workout each day. So this is what I did:

Walk 5 minutes

Jog 3 minutes

Walk 90 seconds

Jog 5 minutes (longest time yet!) 

Walk 2 1/2 minutes

Jog 3 minutes

Walk 90 seconds

Jog 5 minutes

Day One:
This was the first day I was doing something 'new' in a long time, since last week I caught up. But I found I was perfectly able to do it. I did struggle with the second 5 minute jog, but it was good to know it was the last one, and I did it.

Day Two: 
It was actually pretty easy.  I found it actually pretty difficult to stop running between the last two jogging bouts, but I did drop to a walk for those 90 seconds. The intervals are important.  Somehow, and I don't really understand it, you really do make much more progress if you walk then run than if you just run the whole time.

I was really struck by the majestic autumn colors as I ran. Wished I had a camera with me. Sorry!

Day Three:
Today was a little harder, but not really hard. I didn't get the 'can't stop running' feeling though. But I was pretty sure I was going faster! I don't have any fancy equipment to know for sure, but it seems like I picked up a little speed today.


Sadly, this 'week' took me a little over a week. Part of it was poor planning. I'd plan to do it that day... but not get around to it until the sun was going down and it was unsafe/too cold to run on country roads with no shoulders or sidewalks.  I also had horribly clogged up sinuses on Friday, so that I couldn't stand up without practically swooning from dizziness. My sister is sick, so I had thought I'd down for the count, but I woke up on Saturday feeling pretty much fine. That's a blessing.  I did get a 3 mile walk in with my friend Anne on Thursday though, so even though I only did the C25K on three days out of like eight, I wasn't not active all the other days.

Day Three of next week is the first day where you just run! Yeep!

God's Memory

 Today God has brought so much together, I know He's writing this through me.

God has been prodding me to clean my room. While I am pretty much a slob, I don't mean normal dusting or picking up laundry. I'm living in my old bedroom from when I was in high school, the storage and resting place of many momentos and such over the years.  It's a large room and I've really only been occupying about a fourth of it since I moved home after college. In order to prepare for moving to India and also just to do it, God's been writing 'clean out your room' on my to do list for a while... and I've been pushing it aside.

One of the momentos I found today

Earlier this week I turned the radio on and sat down and began. I've been doing a little in the evening each day for the last three days.  The first was satisfying because I'd begun.  Yesterday was just sort of exhausting because it was tedious.  And today God ministered to me in my mess.

Today I found a cluster of mementos and papers from my early college days and a few from high school. And over and over again, God used them to remind me of the journey He and I have been walking together.

There was a service sheet from the Teens for Christ Easter service we did in high school.  I had been an usher... I had forgotten that. I hadn't forgotten the service, I'd just forgotten my part of it and had only remembered that my sister had done the scripture reading.

I found these index cards I'd stuck in my window. See, I'd had a first floor room right against a common walking path on campus the second semester of my sophomore year. This meant I kept my blinds shut for privacy... but it also meant I recognized I had a chance for ministry.  I'd noticed I could read things people would press against their windows even on higher floors if I was looking; how much more would it be noticed if I did it at eye level? So I wrote on index cards things like "Did you pray today?" "Smile!" and various Bible verses and the like.  I did it in bright colors and it was my hope to minister to my classmates as they walked past.  And I'd totally forgotten about it.

I found words of adoration on notepads that I'd scribbled in the heat of love, when I just had to express my love for God somehow or explode! I found posters and such I'd painted and drawn to decorate my room. I wasn't very discerning as far as neatness or design went, but if I was moved by a Bible verse or a quote I'd write it out on a piece of paper or poster board and put it on the wall.

I found lists of people I'd prayed for and to whom I tried to show God's love. I found mementos of special events and days where God was very near: service pamphlets from church services, notes from friends, and things that are only meaningful to God and me.

And through every one of these things, God was showing me who He is. He was lovingly guiding me to remember, to strengthen my faith and have confidence in my walk with Him. He knows me. And He knows when I look back, I tend to remember my failures. I think "yes, this awesome thing happened.." but then as I reflect on it, a giant boulder lands on my heart and I think "and then this horrible thing happened. Sigh." It's hard for me, where I'm at, to remember the good.

In the eyes of the world, my life is failing.  Yet I know it's not. And I don't just mean that in 'because God says so' cry to deny it, but in a more confident "because amazing things of God are happening!" way.  There is fruit. There is evidence. God walked with me before. Because of where I am, I tend to think the past was failure.  But God shows me that I was blossoming. And I know I was, I even remember it that way when I let myself.  I've just been listening to so many lies and weakly saying 'no.... no.... no...' to them while I feel myself languishing away, instead of stopping up my ears and singing "MY GOD IS AMAZING!" at the top of my lungs.

Earlier this evening it came up that I know I have a memory from August 1988... when I was two years, six months old.  And our home burned down ten days before my third birthday, and I have several memories that took place there, so I know I have many memories from before I was three.  God has given me the gift of an amazing memory (long term... not so great short term!) but it's been twisted.  My enemy has been trying to use my memory to show me, again and again, my failures and shortcomings, my regrets and mistakes, my heartbreaks and the times I was betrayed...

But today, God swooped in and He thrust index cards and little wooden crosses in my hands and said, "No, no, no, remember!" He's told me I'm not the girl who failed at this and didn't do well at that... I'm the girl who painted a poster in French declaring my love for God. I'm the girl who huddled under a bush during a rock concert with my Bible and had a date with God. I'm the girl who surrendered my life in a rose garden even onto death. God helped me to see me through His eyes. He helped me remember the work He'd done through me in the past. He's loved on me in a way that I'm having trouble pouring out here, but suffice it to say that I have tears in my eyes right now.

And over all, He brought this to my mind,
"And their sins and their lawless deeds I will remember no more" Hebrews 10:17

He's God. The Creator of the Universe. The Creator of Me.  The Creator of Memory.  And He wipes the tears from my eyes and says, "I don't remember your failures."  And He takes my hand and says, "Now Remember Me, in all you do, and never, ever forget that you are mine."

Praise God!

Linking up with Brag on God Fridays.

God Provides.

My bank account is back in the black. God provides. :)

Thank you to anyone who prayed. 

I've been diving into listening to God full-time, and I'm doing much better spiritually. He's been showing me more to make me more confident in Him, as well as showing me the deep ugly wounds and scars in me I like to pretend don't exist. But He knows they're there, and He wants to remove any barrier they create between me and being the most effective with Him.

I am so blessed.

Thanks and Blessings

I'm thankful this is my 400th post!  At my 200th post, I changed the way I blogged. That means I've had just as many blogs after that point (only this April!) as before it.  God has been so good!

I am thankful for the snuggliness of Sophie.

I'm thankful I posted the book review I was struggling with and it's finally behind me.

I'm thankful I can call Ryan a few hours before his alarm was supposed to go off, in tears, sobbing because I'm doubting God and I don't want to and he comforts me and turns my tears to songs of praise (literally) and lifts me up by lifting praises to God. God has blessed me SO MUCH with this godly, quirky man!

I'm thankful that God is challenging my weaknesses, exposing them even though it's painful, because I know He faithfully completes all the good works He begins and He will heal these ugly, ugly places in me, at some time or another.

I'm thankful for the loving gifts of friends that are challenging and growing me spiritually.

I'm thankful for my mom, and pray she feels better. I'm thankful she wanted peanut butter toast for dinner (because that was easy.)

I'm thankful for my sister and spending time with her hanging out watching old television shows while the living room has been taken over for watching college football.

I'm thankful for God's provision, for stretching my faith.

I'm thankful for Ryan getting a job interview and a lead on another job, both of which would pay potentially more than the minimum we'd need for our future.  I'm thankful for the hope this provides.

I'm thankful for family, in all its varied forms.

I'm thankful for the health of my body to do runs/walks this week, and the gloriousness of nature I get to enjoy while I do it.  I thank God for His common grace.

Since it's November, the month of Thanksgiving in America, I have decided to change the format of my normal "I'm Blessed" weekly post and say "I'm thankful for" instead of "I'm blessed because".  But you know what? They meant the same thing. I am thankful for all these blessings!

Linking up with Gretchen and Thankful Tuesdays.

Book Review: Relentless by John Bevere

This is the hardest review I've had to write. I've been in prayer, not even just with myself but by asking others to pray for me. I wrote this review in prayer. When I began to read Relentless, I was happy and looking forward to an inspiring message. God's been calling me to be relentless, in His power, in my life and to new and great things. Therefore when I came to a few challenging uses of scripture in the first few chapters I thought "interesting". Then I hit chapter five.

It started with a list of professions and how God might use us each in them. In every instance Bevere said the Christian should rise to the top and wow and amaze our non-believing colleagues. God might choose to do this; He also promises that the world will hate us, since it hated Him first. I thought well, no one's perfect, and Bevere was just a little shortsighted, but my guard was now up. Then he talked about how God would prosper us financially. Then he said no Christian would ever be sick. Then he said that God would never let a Christian be in poverty. In both of those instances, he lay the blame on the Christian not living in Christ. In doing so, he ignores Paul's statement "I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. i have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or want." He ignores other scriptural examples of poverty, like the living conditions of prophets, the Macedonian church, and the woman who donated the copper coin. He ignores Jesus' edict on how the Son of Man has no place to lay His head.

At this point I was upset it was just another prosperity gospel book. However, as I read on, I found Bevere to uphold that there will be trial and persecution in a Christian's life. He just thought it would be mental/emotional and that we'd be persecuted by other Christians. While I know Christians have sometimes opposed other Christians who aren't checking with God or are relying on their own understanding, they also get persecution from the world. Any Christian whose sole persecution is from other believers should examine themselves, because Jesus prayed for our unity in John 17, before he was taken to the cross. I am not saying it doesn't happen, it often does, but it snot a sign of holiness, just a sad byproduct of us not living in the unity to which God has called us all.

I do agree with Bevere's lamentations on the church aspiring often to mediocrity. A lot of what Bevere writes about is correct, but where he differs his teachings are yeasty ones that could be major stumbling blocks to love and unity in the church. It grieves me to write that! Bevere does use scripture to back up his claims, and this put me in turmoil until God brought to my mind contradictory scriptures. Throughout my reading, God compelled me to pray fervently for Bevere, who he sincerely loves. I do think Bevere is a Christian, but I think this is an awful, awful book.

I received this book for free from the Blogging for Books program in exchange for my unbiased review.

Weekly Psalm Journey

So I've decided to have the blogging aspect of my Psalm Journey be weekly.  I was going to do it late in the day yesterday, but wasn't able to get online until now. I decided I'd do a quick reflection on each of the Psalms since my last regular post.  The link-up will be below, and is open up for your reflections on any Psalm 1-36.  You can link up to a post on your blog, or you can post in the comments section!

Psalm 32- This Psalm goes over how we should confess our sins to the Lord so He can forgive them. It talks about the joy of being forgiven, for being upright before the Lord. Of course, we can only be truly upright through the Lord Jesus Christ and what He did for us. But once we have faith in God, he will surely forgive us and teach us, which the Psalm goes on to talk about his faithful instruction.

Psalm 33- This is a great Psalm of praise. It starts out about singing and playing instruments to Him, and goes on about how our plans will come to nothing, but God's plans last forever. This makes me take heart and be encouraged, because I seek God's will in my life. I know He has a plan for my life, He has told me this, and I know that if I seek His guidance He will be a light unto my feet and take me down the narrow path He's laid before Him. And so if I walk in His plans, then it will last forever, for He will be using me as a tool for His work. It ends talking about how we must wait on Him. This is the key to following His plan for our life. We wait on His guidance, and then go when He gives it!


Psalm 34- This Psalm has the famous phrase "Taste and see that the Lord is good" in it. I prayed this Psalm to God when I read it. I needed it. It calls us to pray God, fear Him, to turn from evil and seek good. It encourages to learn from the scriptures and expresses how we are righteous when we seek God. The psalmist then goes on about how God heeds the cries of the righteous, saves them from trouble and is their refuge. He saves the brokenhearted.

Psalm 35- This psalm shows how the human heart calls out for the Lord to be our savior. And he wants to save us, to be our everything, and for us to call upon His name. Especially since I've felt overwhelmed lately, this makes me ache for the refuge of His wing.  I love Him.

Psalm 36- The first part of the blog made me consider my own sin and fear of God. That's a good thing for us all to do sometimes. Then I noticed verses 5-6 are lyrics in a song I like "Your love, LORD, reaches to the heavens, your faithfulness to the skies. Your righteousness is like the highest mountains, your justice like the great deep." (the lyrics are slightly different, but the same thing).  And then in verse 9 it says "and in your light we see light" which is part of the liturgy at my church on Wednesday nights and makes me feel all warm and fuzzy. It makes me think of the times I've gone to meet Him there.

What God Did Yesterday

God has been good to me. Yesterday I was having one of those crises that happen when we are faced with our flaws against God's goodness. I was crying to Ryan, "Don't give me advice! It seems like I'm drowning in advice. My yoke is a burden, it's heavy, so I know there's more on me than what God wants, because His burden is light. Don't give me advice, because I need to sort out what I've already recieved."  I realized how much I try to please people. It's a hard thing to try to work with and for people, to love and give for them, without caring about their opinions.  It's too hard for mere mortals.

Only God can do it.

I was faced with my own ugliness and inadequacies, a mind in turmoil, a heart in crisis. I was trying to turn it all over to God, to let Him take the reins, and it just didn't seem to be working. I'd been trying to tell people and they'd just offer me more things to do. And the more I tried to do, the less I could do, the more ugly I grew, the worse it got inside me.

So I'm in the midst of this turmoil in my mind and heart, and then I'm on my blog's dashboard and I notice suddenly the name I write under has changed. What? I didn't do that. Why does it now say "Singing and Free" and not "Singing Pilgrim"? (My real name is Pamela, by the way.) So I try to go to my profile... it doesn't work. After trying three times, I shake my head and go for my account, thinking someone's gotten into my account so I should go change my profile.

And Google (who runs blogger) asks for my password.  I give it and it tells me my account has been deactivated.

My account has been deactivated.

My account has been deactivated!!

I sat there, stunned. Then I felt oddly detached and calm. The realization that God is in control of all things came over me, and if He wants to give me access to my email (which I'd just used to send some very important emails to people I really wanted to answer) and my blog (which as I've blogged about before is my primary ministry and work and dedicated to the Lord) then He would. And if not, then God gives and takes away. I submitted to Google's process of trying to regain access and, after sending Ryan a quick facebook message to let him know what was going on, got offline. 

In retrospect, I think God knew, from the turmoil I was in, I just needed one more shoe to fall.  With my account deactivation guess what happened? I was brought to the end of me.

Obviously, Google gave me access back. In fact, they apologized to me!

It sounds simple and maybe even shallow, but in reality, this is all the surface reflections of something God's been doing in the deep inside me.  He's been very, very good to me, and I'm so very ugly inside, but I'm submitting to Him and trusting in Him to change it.

Linking Up with Brag on God Fridays.  Oh, and come back later for my Psalm Link-Up!

Quickly Make a Difference

Hey! This is just a quick post to ask you to vote for Heartline Ministries here to get a grant. They are a wonderful maternity center in Haiti that is saving lives.  They are in fourth place, and the voting ends Friday. If you're not sure, click the link and go read what they've written about themselves and I'm sure it'll convince you to support this amazing ministry. I've been following the blogs of some of the workers there (the Hendricks and the Livesays) for a while now.

There are absolutely women and children living today that wouldn't be alive if it wasn't for Heartline.  Please take two seconds and help them help others. You can quickly make a difference with your votes!

Couch to 5K: The Catch-Up Week

I should really get a new "running" photo...

I did it! I caught back up to where I was before the biopsy.  So now I'll be starting Week Four (of Nine) of the Couch to 5K program.

In the Couch to 5K program, each week has three days, and you're supposed to have a rest day between each day you exercise.  For the first three weeks, the ones I had to make up, the exercise plan was the same each day. Later on in the program, each day becomes different. But since it wasn't at this point, I decided to do a week where day one would be week one's exercise, day two would be week two's, and day three obviously week three.If I'd found myself struggling to do one I'd repeat it before moving on.

But I didn't! So it only took me one week to catch-up. I was relieved to find that day one was a breeze. Day two was fine, I did have trouble, but it was because I started having respitory distress due to the cold, not because the exercise was too much for me. For the last four years I've flirted with asthma. I don't actually have it, but if it's really cold and I exert myself I get respitory distress (that's what the doctor called it).  So as I proceed into these cold months I need to make sure I try to exercise at the warm part of the day, the opposite of my habit in the summer.

Day three was today, and it was warm and balmy. It was supposed to be yesterday, but I couldn't find my watch, which is essential to the workout because it's done in intervals and I need the watch to do it right. So I just went on a long walk yesterday, since I did want to do some exercise. Then last night I found my watch (it'd fallen on the floor between the couch and the end table, apparently) and so today I finished it off.

I didn't start right away when I had hoped to the day I posted "".  Oh well, knowing that I'd posted it did get my butt off the couch eventually, if not as soon as I'd hoped.  On Thursday I'll start week four, and start making actual progress on the Couch to 5K for the first time in months!

Book Review: Healing is a Choice by Stephen Arterburn

I'm reviewing a copy of Healing is a Choice that is the book plus the workbook. For the sake of this review, I've decided to just read the book and look over the workbook without writing in it. If I found the book to seem helpful, I'd go through the workbook or give it to someone who might need it.

Healing is a Choice presents 10 choices Arterburn believes all people who want healing (primarily focusing on emotional/spiritual healing) should face and decide. Each of the choices is a chapter, along with a 'big lie'. The 10 choices are the choices to connect to your life, to feel your life, to investigate your life in search of Truth, to heal your future, to help your life, to embrace your life, to forgive, to risk your life, to serve, and to persevere.

Since I don't mean to have the world's longest review I'll just give you a few reflections: He brings an air of clinical detachment to his writing that just rubs me the wrong way. However, I do think his book can be helpful to those who are seeking healing. I do think he presumes too much, and I imagine him going around clucking his tongue under his breath when he sees people he doesn't think have "chosen healing".  But, I also think those who apply themselves to the ten choices he's presented will likely find emotional/spiritual healing. He does address physical healing as well, but he is also not (thank God) a prosperity gospel preacher, and acknowledges sometimes our healing will come in heaven. But we should seek healing here, because God definitely does heal physically on earth sometimes.

Overall, this is a pretty good book.

I got this book for free from booksneeze in exchange for my unbiased review.

Personally, I'd also like to refer my readers to the story of Mephibosheth, son of Jonathan and grandson of Saul, found in 2 Sam 9. As a five year old child he was crippled in the flight from his home when he heard his dad and grandpa had been slaughtered and his nurse was afraid he'd be next. When he was a man, he was called before the king, David. He came terrified, and fell on his face. After all, he was the son of the son of the former king: wouldn't David want to kill him to insure no one would threaten his right to the throne, as Mephibosheth's uncle tried?

Instead David told him to not be afraid and get up. Because of his covenant with his friend Jonathan, he restored Saul's land and servants to Mephibosheth and his son Mica. The story ends with 'Now he was crippled in both feet.'  Mephibosheth never recieved healing on earth, but he ate at the table of the king for the rest of his life. Seek healing, but remember, if you've got Christ, you've got a treasure far greater, forever. And as Arterburn acknowledges, we'll all have complete healing in Heaven.