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Tuesday, January 24, 2012

My Darling God

It's late Monday night... really, Tuesday.  And I am sitting here, thinking way too much.

The Lord is really moving in my life. I am delighted and also anxious. Grr. Why do I have to get anxious so much?

One specific: I'm anxious about all the errands I have to get done tomorrow. Since I don't have a car, I have to get things done during my dad's day off. And I have a lot to get done tomorrow. I don't know how much I can do. 

One important thing that, again, I'm anxious about is sending off to get my passport. Paperwork and me don't get along. We never have. I didn't get my driver's permit until I was twenty-two primarily because of paperwork issues. At college each year a select amount of students- maybe five percent?- got selected for a random paperwork audit. Again and again, it was me. I'm the one the registar's office loses paperwork on, the professor/teacher misplaces the essay and accuses me of not turning it in, the one whose check gets lost.  Again and again. I don't know why I have rotten luck when it comes to paperwork, but I do. It's backed up with event after event in my life.

Consequently, the mere thought of it turns my insides to jelly. I know, it's stupid. People apply for passports everyday.

And I need to get copies made. And I need to print the form out. And I wonder if the drug store I got my pictures taken at messed them up and they'll be rejected because my head is slightly too small or large or off center.

And then I breathe.

I've wanted to do this, to send off for my passport for months. I got the money about a month ago. But it took this long because I had to get a ride to first get my pictures made, now to do this. And getting rides occupies so much of my existence. When you're dependent on others, you're dependent on their patience and schedule. I don't know if I'll be able to get it all done tomorrow. My parents don't seem to think my passport is a priority. When they talked about what we need to get done tomorrow, they listed several things, a few of which involve me, but forgot the passport. When I mentioned that, because that is #1 on my priority list, my Mom sighed and said, "We'll see." This is partially because I told her we first have to go somewhere to get copies made and then go to the post office.

I fear that we'll get the copies made, but the post office will have to wait until next week. I am sick of anticipating this torture of sending my passport off...

Okay, whoa. I just realized that this was supposed to be my "I'm Blessed" post. I'm supposed to be thanking God for the blessings He's given me and now it's turned into a page of anxious rambling.

God, I am thankful you have called me to India, to be Ryan's wife, that you are clearing the path before me.

I am thankful for the huge events that are unfolding, and each small conversation arranged by you.

I am thankful for friends who care about me.

I am thankful for being able to cast my cares on you... I know I suck at it though. Help me, God, to place my anxiety on you, and neither torture myself with it nor lash out at others because of my stress. Help me to love like you do.

I am thankful for my parents being willing to take me to do errands, despite what I said above. I do know they don't have to, and I am reminded of that when my heart cries out, "But I HAVE to do X."  I may have to, but they don't, so when they help me, it is a gift.

I am thankful for my measure of dependence in a culture that values independence. I think it is a rare and odd gift, because it hurts and teaches humility and I know I am a better person for it. I also think you are preparing me for my future, when I'll both value what independence I gain and not mourn (as keenly) any I may lose by moving to a foreign culture. Since I can't freely come and go as I please now because of transportation, I think you are helping me adjust for when I won't be able to do it then because of language, familiarity (there are no road signs, so one can get easily lost if they don't know an area), and safety.

I am also thankful because it teaches a level of patience and gratitude. When I don't get an errand done, I may not have a chance until next week. This is a painful exercise in patience... but also sheer gratitude when I can complete it unexpectedly sooner. Either thing is a virtue to learn, so I can see how you're using this situation to make me a better person.

I am also exceedingly, exceedingly grateful that you are so very, very gentle with me God. Even though being shaped is not comfortable, even painful at times, you never take me past the point where I can bear, with your help. You hurt me, hurt us, your children, only as a doctor is required to cause pain in order to remove a tumor or obstruction that is doing us far greater damage. You strike not at the healthy part of me, but instead skillfully attack my impatience, my anxiety, my ingratitude, my selfishness. You hurt that ugliness inside all men, and pull another sliver out. I hate that I have this inside me, so even though it hurts, I pray you continue and keep going until all those dark and evil places in my heart have turned to peaceful glades bathed in your light where we can rest together in love.

My heart cries out in love for you, my God. Oh take me, take me, my everything!

Thank you so, so, so much for that conversation. You know what I mean. I am sorry I have struggled to see that side of you, my multifacted, tender God, dear sweet Father, dear sweet lover of my soul. 
How much you must love me! How little I realize it! God, I am sorry I am blind. Help my eyes to see your love, for I am struck dumb by its sheer force whenever I catch a fleeting glimpse. Love me, love me, the cry of my heart! And you alone can satisfy. Thank you, my darling one, my darling one, my God!

Linking up with I'm Blessed.

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