When I Worry

In this messy life, it's mind-blowing to think how intricately God has connected all the events of all of us, ever. It's the most complex tapestry, the most intricate harmonies, it's amazing to me.

Sophie

I find myself in an irritatingly familiar place. Worried about money.  Sophie's vet bills were more than I expected, and she's got another appointment in two weeks. Ryan still doesn't have a job, my income has dried up, and now my bank account is being depleted. I can't afford to buy eyeglasses, now. I had budgeted for the vet and getting glasses, and I'd be okay if the one visit was enough, but with another vet visit around the corner, I can't get glasses. I lost my glasses eight months ago (the ones in the picture on the right sidebar) and have been without since, because of a lack of funds.

I hate this. You'd think with all the practice I've had for not having enough money with no income, I'd be able to shrug it off at this point.

So I return to an old standby for comfort and encouragement:

Therefore I say to you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink; nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food and the body more than clothing?  Look at the birds of the air, for they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they?  Which of you by worrying can add one cubit to his stature? “So why do you worry about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin; and yet I say to you that even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. Now if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is, and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will He not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?
-Matthew 6:25-30

Of course, this makes me think "Am I being selfish? Greedy? I mean, I have food and clothes. Are eyeglasses a luxury? I mean, I can't drive without them, but you don't own a car anyway, so does it really matter? Sure, it's annoying not to be able to read things across the room, but you can always walk a little closer. Your legs aren't broken."

And I feel awful. Am I selfish? I start beating myself up.

And then the inner voice goes, "It's not selfish. Glasses aren't a luxury. It's a health thing. It's your visual health. You deserve it."

Then all the red alarms go off in my being, because I know I don't deserve anything. *I* deserve hell, and by the grace of Jesus I'm not getting it. So if something in me is using the 'you deserve it' argument it's probably the big "S" Self, and I should deny it to crucify it...

So does that mean I shouldn't get glasses? And I get sad.

Gah!

And then I tell myself, "Stop this. Stop this inner turmoil. You're looking to yourself to figure this out.  Getting glasses is neither a horrible sin nor a dire need. Instead of beating yourself up and going to extremes, just let it go, and turn to Jesus. He'll either provide it or He won't, but since He's totally capable (all power is His) and He wants nothing but the best for you, either way it works out will be right. Just trust Him and relax. Rest in the shadow of His Wings." And I close my eyes and lift my heart up in worship.

Then I notice something, how Jesus goes on in Matthew 6:

“Therefore do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’  For after all these things the Gentiles seek. For your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you. 
-Matthew 6:31-33 

And I realize of course. When I think about glasses and vet bills, I'm not thinking about God and His kingdom. I'm not putting first things first. Both are valid, but my mind needs to first concentrate on serving, seeking, and loving my King and brethren, and the rest will fall in place.  And I breathe easier.

Linking up to Brag on God Fridays.