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Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Need and Pain

I wanted to do something wonderful on my blog today.

Oh, nothing specific. Just something. Anything.

Now I have been working on my blog for twelve hours and feel like throwing things.

It's not been a totally wasted day by any means. I did day one of week eight of the Couch to 5K. I signed up for Passionfruit for swapping (check out my shiny new sponsors tab). I finished a book I've been working on while I waited to get the internet back during some of the SEVERAL times it went out today. I also added the "Our Story" tab. I worked on several posts that I will use later this week. I published the second to last post in the Psalm Journey... which I was supposed to do yesterday. I hung out with my pets.I added a favicon... but it hasn't seemed to work. I did two very emotionally difficult errands.

But I feel awful. I feel crushed, frustrated, angry. And so poor.

One of those errands was telling the company I was supposed to order my wedding gown from this past week that after talking to Ryan I have to put it off until Ryan's next paycheck...next month. Even though the dress is less than 200 dollars and I felt God was smiling on me when I found it. But the money is needed by someone other than Ryan and I and I am trying so hard not to become resentful. This loss may keep Ryan and I from affording to be together as soon... something precious beyond money.

The other errand was to call my student loan company to ask for another unemployment deferment form.

I keep repeating Revelations 2:9 to myself. " know your affliction and poverty, yet you are rich. "

Meanwhile my computer is falling apart. It is excruciating to type this because my 'c', 'b', 'x', 'm', '1','9', backspace, space and left ctrl key don't work. At all. Oh, and at random intervals the hyphen and/or equal key will get stuck... but not physically stuck. No, that would be too simple.

So how am I typing this? Using a virtual keyboard I control with my mouse. Which means hitting one key at a time... which is driving this typically 100 wpm typist to *near* violence.

But I can't afford a new keyboard. Or a mouse... because yea, my netbook fingerpad will randomly stop working.

Oh, and I haven't been able to access gmail in several hours. No clue why.

But I am blogging anyway. Because I honestly love you and this is the work God has given me.

And this week, more and more, other people's unfavorable opinions of me just keep coming to light. And a few of them aren't wrong.

As I tried to network today (which I do not excel at) I found myself playing the comparison game and feeling like nobody loves me... even though I know that's a foolish lie.

As I wince at how whiny and petty I can be.... I thank God for the humbling and ask Him to change me.

And I feel really fat today. Like I gained 15 pounds over the weekend.

I really need God today. [I am glad He is here.]

4 comments:

  1. I almost feel crying to read this but somewhere I am in same boat I dont have a monitor at home from past six months I am waiting only able to use office computer. What I like the most about you and your blog that you are not hypocrite you share your heart and your trouble. Will surely pray and trust more in God in such hard times and sing joyfully in good times

    ReplyDelete
  2. Following you now through the GFC BLOG HOP!

    Come check me out!
    natalieslens.blogspot.com

    - Natalie Rose

    ReplyDelete
  3. I´m sorry you´re feeling down. Have you thought of posting on your local craig´s list to see if someone has an old keyboard and mouse they don´t need? I know we have several just collecting dust. If postage weren´t an arm and a leg I´d send you one.

    ReplyDelete

Thanks so much for comments, they delight me! Please keep your comments civil and while I read every comment, I reserve the right to delete ones that are especially negative. Thanks!

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