I'm Blessed

It's time for me to recount my blessings, those things from God I'm thankful for, and praise Him.

I'm thankful that God never changes, even when everything else does and I'm going crazy.

I'm thankful that Sophie calmed down* yesterday and slept most of the day away.  I'm thankful I felt confident enough she'd be okay I could make her vet's appointment for tomorrow afternoon instead of this morning, which is better for the whole family.  I'm thankful I can afford to take her to the vet, even if I have to do a payment plan.

I'm thankful my ride for church afforded me enough grace that even after canceling on them because of Sophie and skipping church yesterday, they still came and got me to get my picture taken for the new church directory that evening.

I'm thankful for the Bible and the launch of the Bible in 90 day challenge today. And of Psalm Sunday yesterday.

I'm thankful for reading. I did get a lot of reading done this weekend, and I got most of the books I've been expecting in the mail in like the past four days.  Today I got my first book from Tyndale... and I'll get to giveaway a copy! My first giveaway! Fun! (look for that later. Probably next week.)

I'm thankful for crocheting. I'm working on Tabby's twins' baby blankets. It's satisfying to do something with your own hands.

I'm thankful my Mom doesn't have cancer.

I'm thankful for this blog. Honestly, it helps me stay sane, especially after a week like last week.

I'm thankful for things that are between God and me.

I'm thankful for prayer. Man, am I thankful for prayer!! Thank you, God that we can come to you with anything. Come to You, the holy, holy, holy one! Come into your presence and share the meager and silly things that seem important to us and be confident you will only reply with love, in whatever form that takes for the situation. That we can seek your guidance, knowing it is always perfect. That we can lay our burdens, our worries at your feet and know you will take care of them.  Such as the burden for Tabby and her babies' health. For Ryan getting a job. For so much to do with money (gah, why do I worry so? I don't have income, but I have GOD as my best friend. Seriously. I am lame. I know you won't let me down if I really need something, and you know whether I really do better than I do!)

I am thankful for facebook, for oh so many reasons.

I am thankful for this man, Ryan, whom you have given to me and given me to... thank you. Just thank you.

God, I love you. Thank you.

Linking up with I'm Blessed.

*Yesterday my dog Sophie injured herself and woke me up at 7am because she was having what appeared to be a panic attack. She's okay. She basically rubbed her ear raw and the side of her head became swollen. The swelling has gone down a lot, and once she calmed down she's basically been normal since, though her balance has been affected.  I skipped church yesterday because the only thing that seemed to keep her calm was constant belly rubbing.  By lunch time, she was just snoozing in and out without me having to give her constant attention, and she's acting normally now. Like I said, I'll take her to the vet tomorrow.  

Didn't feel like going into too much detail above because the "I'm Blessed" is about drawing attention to God, not my dog, but decided to explain down here so you aren't confused.

Psalm Sunday

I'm bringing back my Psalm Journey today.

Tomorrow I'm starting a Bible in 90 days challenge. As it approached, I realized it seemed right to finish what I'd started with the Psalm Journey first. But I thought, "I was supposed to blog about them... if I try to blog about all those Psalms all in one week that'd be nuts."


Then it occurred to me I didn't have to do actually publish all the posts this week! And so from now on I shall have Psalm Sundays (until I finish.)


I'm picking up where I left off and will do ten today. If you would like to read the whole Psalm, click on the Psalm heading. Otherwise I decided to pick a verse from each that stood out, and then share a short reflection.

Psalm 46- "God is our refuge & strength, a very present help in trouble" v. 1
I love this Psalm. It speaks such peace to my soul. He is our refuge!


Psalm 47- "For God is king of all the earth; sing praises with a psalm." v. 7
A great Psalm to sing aloud. Dance around your living room. Proclaim His praises!

Psalm 48- "that this is God, our God forever and ever. He will be our guide forever." v. 14
This is a deep Psalm. I think you can see a lot of this Psalm reflected back in Revelations.

Psalm 49- "Do not be afraid when some become rich, when the wealth of their houses increases." v. 16
This is a somber Psalm. The verse above resonates with me because as a poor person, I get overwhelmed with the influence of the wealthy at times. This Psalm is about the equality of all humans, our sheer mortality and how God is the only salvation from Hell.

Psalm 50- "Those who bring thanksgiving as their sacrifice honor me; to those that go the right way I will show the salvation of God" v. 23
O Lord, humble me and give me a grateful heart. Remind my dull and forgetful brain to give thanks always and everywhere! You are so amazing God. Thank you.

Psalm 51- "Do not case me away from your presence, and do not take your holy spirit from me." v. 11
That verse always shakes me. I know Jesus came so that we may never be cast from God's presence and He shall be with us always... but this is a solemn reminder of the worst that could ever happen to anyone. Oh, God, I love you so! This Psalm is a righteous Psalm of repentance. Help all my repentance to be true, may nothing ever separate us, my love.

Psalm 52- "You love all words that devour, O deceitful tongue" v. 4
David wrote this Psalm in a specific situation, but is basically contrasting one who "love[s] evil more than good" with one who "trust[s] in the steadfast love of God." Help me not to be the former, Lord, keep my tongue from devouring but instead bind it with the work of building up. I know I need help in this category.

Psalm 53- "They have all fallen away, they all alike are perverse; there is no one who does good, no, not one." v. 3
This Psalm reflects on human falleness and our need for deliverance from "great terror". May we all recognize our need for Him.

Psalm 54- "But surely, God is my helper; the Lord is the upholder of my life." v. 4
This simple Psalm seems to be a heartfelt prayer in which I sense the Lord's stability.


Psalm 55- "It is not enemies who taunt me-
  I could bear that;
  it is not adversareis who deal insolently with me-
  I could hide from them." v. 12
This is a Psalm about relying on God during the throes of being betrayed. How well my heart cries out at this reading. Peace, O heart, for your friend Jesus will never leave you or betray you. Trust in Him, He is the only unmoving rock.

The Liebster Awards

I won an award!

Hannah at Sadie Mae's Mommy gifted me with a Liebster Award. I am delighted.

Liebster is German & means "dearest" or "beloved" but it can also mean "favorite." The idea behind the Liebster award is to bring attention to blogs with less than 200 followers.

As part of receiving the Liebster Blog award, one is to:

1. Choose 5 blogs with fewer than 200 followers to grant the Liebster Blog award.
2. Show appreciation to the blogger who gave you the award by linking back to them!
3. Post the award on your blog and link back to the blogs you have given the Liebster Blog award to so everyone else can pay them a visit!

So as I looked through the blogs I follow and tried to narrow it down, I decided to also take into consideration whether they'd blogged recently or not. Any blog that hadn't posted since New Year's was out. I was surprised how many that eliminated!

It was not easy, but my top five are:

1. A Planting of the Lord- I have loved Kimberly's blog since I found it. She always speaks to my heart, sometimes in a powerful way. She and I are both going through A Confident Heart by Renee Swope right now... and I won my copy from her blog! When I won we found out we live in the same county in the same state, even though I totally found her blog randomly! (I hit the "next blog" button on the nav bar at the top of all blogger blogs.) And recently, we discovered we're both alumnae of the same college! But even if those things weren't true, Kimberley your blog would still be so liebster to me. Your Roots Bible Study has stayed with me.

2. Oh That Mom Again- Kelly has such a funny and honest way of writing. And starting this Monday she's hosting a "Bible in 90 days" challenge which Ryan and I are both doing. I am really looking forward to that awesomeness on her blog.

3. Long Purple Bike- Lydia is my "in person" best friend. Her blog has a fun and eclectic style. The overall theme is her lifelong adventure with God. Other topics that feature are her job, trips, church, art, musings, graduate school, family, me, and her new boyfriend Matthew. She's a talented writer, and has one of the dearest hearts you'll ever encounter.

4. A farm wife's life- Melissa brings her readers onto her husband's farm where she homeschools their nine children.  I have enjoyed many insights and antidotes, and recently learned from her account of her brand new baby Elizabeth's birth.

5. The Road Less Traveled: Our Adoption Story- This is the blog of a new adoptive mother. She writes very frankly about her struggles, desires, and joys. She's very good at expressing the emotions of her journey and giving insight to those of us who aren't there yet.


Yay!

Also, want to let you know that tomorrow I'm bringing back my Psalm Journey.  I'm getting that done before I start the Bible in 90 days.. but no, you won't be bombarded with that many Psalms covered at once. It occurred to me I could write the posts now but only publish them once a week. So tomorrow launches Psalm Sundays!

Also, if you haven't read yesterday's post.... well, you should. :)

A Week Which Grew Me

This week has been so up and down and crazy.  So crazy in fact that before I published this earlier in the evening, I heard a horn honk outside and realized my sense of time was off by an hour and I had to run outside, hair not brushed, to grab my ride to Bible Study. Let me tell you about it, and I promise I'll bring it back around to the Lord.

This week I:

• attended the balloon release on Saturday. It was a good over all, but not an emotionally undisturbed day. 
• had church, where God convicted my heart of something. 
• had a very important thing that didn't go well.
• reviewed some things from my past and discovered things about my own story I'd forgotten.
• made a few decisions about my blog, not the least of which being the new Preparation Thursdays.
• Ryan got a job offer... but not for enough money for us to survive... and they said they'd talk it over and get back to him. We're still waiting.
• finally was able to send off for my passport
• sent off my Nook, which was having problems and was replaced... only to find the new Nook is doing the exact same issue and it's not a device problem (I didn't think it was, but the guy in second tier support said it had to be... no one has ever seen this before.)  
• had a huge argument with Ryan over a theological issue that is important to both of us but apparently we disagree on... temporarily resolved it, only to revive it again and again. (We're pretty good right now).
• had a few more important phone calls delayed on me.. several times...
• talked to Tabitha, my best friend who is pregnant with twins, only to find out that she had an abnormal pap smear and possibly has cervical cancer. That sent me into shock.
• found out my Mom doesn't have cancer! I don't even know if I posted about that, but she'd had a biopsy last week to see if she had skin cancer. She doesn't!
• got an award for my blog, which I'll tell you more about tomorrow.
• got together with other best friend Lydia and we went and I got yarn to crochet baby blankets for Tabby, exchanged some books, caught up on important things like our relationships, and ate Taco Bell.found out Lydia's cat is presumed dead. This makes me very sad, she was sweet.
• had a freak out over something small in the wee hours of a night, and only by clinging to Ryan and the Lord was able to make through.
• had an important phone call that went really wonderfully.
• had another huge argument with Ryan, this one which is completely resolved and wasn't theological.
• then, of course, what I said in bold at the top!

I am wrung out.

So how am I now going to show you this is a Brag on God Friday post?

The balloon release was blessed. When I woke up that morning (and the event started at 10am) I didn't have a ride, but I prayed and God provided. I was able to go to church and fellowship, and I was able to resolve the thing God brought to my heart during the service this week. The phone call  that didn't go well, and the phone calls that kept my playing phone tag stretched my patience and faith and they always need stretching. With the passport, I accomplished something we've been waiting and praying for, and oh well about the Nook. I'll get that resolved later. It can wait.

Ryan and I getting into the theological argument was actually a sign of growth in our relationship. We're getting to a place where we have to deal with issues like this one, and we both trust and love God to get us through. When we resolved it the second time, we did so with a clearer sense of commitment to each other, even though we didn't resolve the whole issue for all time. But, God willing, we have time and we have willingness to get there. While Tabitha's issue is unresolved, both she and I were comforted by other mothers who came and told Tabby it'd happened to them during their pregnancies and wasn't as bad as it sounded.

And of course the really good stuff: Mom is cancer free, I got an award, and I got to hang out with Lydia!

The night I had to cling to Ryan (I feel so lame admitting I was scared) was good for me. Relying on God to help me sleep once Ryan and I got off the phone was even better. I realized that if the only way to calm my scaredy-cat heart down was to simply call on the name of Jesus every second until my phone call the next day, than that's what I'd do... God did let me sleep, but I realized that I didn't have to let into fear.

And that phone calling going wonderfully is such an encouragement to my spirit.

And the second fight Ryan and I had? It was necessary and I do believe we're better for it. He showed me some real flaws in me I'd been blind to me, so with prayer and perseverance I hope to be a better person because of it.

Then, despite the fact that I had to embarrassingly brush my hair in my friend's car, Bible Study was so blessed. We had the most wonderful study in Job. My spirit was singing in praise of God! And I had real honest fellowship with my Friday family, we grew in Christ and prayed together tonight. It was a blessed, amazing evening.

This whole week has stretched me, brought me closer to God, changed my life a little, and honestly, I'm a different woman than I was last Friday. I'm not saying you can't recognize me, but I can feel this week's impact.  God is the author of my life, and if you stuck with me this far in this long blog post it's probably because you can see what He's writing is interesting.

Maybe all weeks should be like this one...

But I'm telling you, I am so sabbathing tomorrow. It's going to be me and a stack of books I have to read, the Bible and probably some Doritos. Oh, yeah.

PS. This morning I found spotted the first daffodils of the year to bloom in our yard.  To me, daffodils have always been the ushers in of spring. Seems significant!

Linking up with Brag on God Fridays.

Preparation Thursday

I'm starting a new thing on my blog!

For me, Preparation Thursdays will be about me preparing for India. This includes, but is not limited to, preparing for the move, the culture, and marriage. I would love to have this not just be about me, though. I doubt any of you are preparing for India, but many of us are probably in preparation for something. Perhaps you're preparing for a new child, a career change, a move, or something smaller.  I don't know if this should be a link-up simply because I don't know if there would be any interest. So if you're interested, comment below and if anyone is, next week I'll include a link-up. If not, then it'll just be me and I won't get all sad because I come on and no one joined the fun.

Often during the week I want to blog about what I'm doing to prepare for India. But on any given day, what happens may not be more than a sentence in another post.  However, I've decided that if I collect all that preparation for once a week, I should have something worthy of a post... and this also serves the purpose of making sure I have actually done something to prepare each week. After all, it will make the whole transition easier if I've done it a little here and a little there instead of scrambling at the last minute.  Additionally, having a series of these recording my efforts up until the move will help me remember and learn from the process in the future.

So this week... I sent off for my passport! That's a big step for me. I've been wanting to for so many months. First I had to get a new copy of my birth certificate (you need a 'long form' version now. I apparently had a short form one) and then I didn't have the money. I got the money about a month ago, but I needed to get my pictures made. With me, transportation is always an issue. So anyway, this Tuesday I finally got it done and it's sent off. The guy at the post office said I should have my passport in 4-6 weeks!

Also this week I got rid of my yarn.  I'm a crocheter and (somewhat) knitter, and I love crafting. But I've been praying to God to find people who need my belongings, since I figure I'll need to get rid of say, 90% or so?  So when there was a call at church for yarn because someone makes hats and scarves for the needy, I was like, "Thank you, God!"  I kept the yarn I got for Christmas from my future brother-in-law (just two small red roses) and what is suitable for baby blankets, because I have two to make for Tabitha! Everything else had to go... (and what I kept I'll use up before I move.)

Admittedly, since I got rid of it, I've found some more. So I'll probably give more away. But it's something. The paring down of my possessions is going to be a long process.

Post and Updates

(yeah, I haven't brushed my hair today.)

Today is one of those days when so much is going on in your head that nothing really is coming out.

That I'm deep in my heart pondering, and also have a list scrolling through my head of all I *should* do.

Where I am too excited to share things, too somber to blare things, and glad.

So I sat here, a-starin' at this blank thing thinking, "Should you force a post? Should you just not post today? Should you post today about what you were planning on doing tomorrow?"

Eh. No. I decided to do this instead.

Oh, you know what else I could do? I could update you on a few things:

• -I'm trying to complete my "Psalm Journey" before I start a read the Bible in 90 days challenge. I dropped the ball on the Psalm Journey thing before, but I want to complete that before starting this new thing. I'll blog about it later.
• -The other day when I took my dog into the yard to run around with her, I had respitory distress. It was no biggie, it was just the cold. I've had trouble breathing when I exert myself in cold air before, I think I'm developing asthma, but I don't have it yet. However, since I don't have anywhere indoor to run, I'm not re-initializing See Pam Run until the weather is consistently warmer. I am, however, considering doing some sort of disciplined indoor exercising, because I'm feeling the lack of it.
• -If you've wondered why I've not posted a book review in a while, well it's really just I'm being slow reading. I'm in the process of reading two books I'm really enjoying, but I'm not even halfway through with either one of them. I don't know why I suddenly got slower, but oh well. Maybe my brain has decided to slow down since the day I read six books.
• -Ryan is engaging with negotiations with a job. No guarantees, and prayers are appreciated.

Love to you all!

-Right before I published this I received troubling news. Please, please pray for an unnamed prayer request as of this time.-

Day Jobs

You know the expression, "Don't quit your day job?"

A "day job" is a job someone does to pay the bills while they pursue a passion on the side. Maybe they're a musician or a painter, a writer or jewelry maker. Maybe they want to start a bakery or come up with the next big invention. If you're a Christian doing ministry having a day job is often called "tent making." And of course, there are mothers who do a part-time or 'stay at home' type job to help make ends meet while they do full-time mothering (working shifts while the kids are at school; hosting Avon parties, etc.)

Some people are not the day job type people. They are career centric. Their passion doesn't require them to have to earn money elsewhere while they get off the ground, or they're lucky and get off the ground while they're young. Or maybe they just don't have that side passion, and their job is just a job to them, not a "day job."

As I was working this holiday season as a cashier, I reflected on "day jobs".  This post has been in process since then. I'm not sure if it's done, but it's time to write it down already.

When I was graduating college I talked to a lot of people, including our career counselor, about how I didn't know what I wanted to do in life.  Actually, I had this conversation way before and also after then. It shakes people. They don't really care if you say that when you're a college freshman, but if you're still saying it when you've turned twenty, you need to hurry up and "focus".

And the truth is, part of me knew what I wanted to do... it just didn't seem like a legitimate answer. It's like when you're filling out a form and there's a multiple choice question... but not a one of them seems to adequately describe your answer to the question. 

When it comes to people, I do not shy away from commitment. With friends, once I'm your friend I'd like to be your friend for life. It baffles me (and hurts me a little) why people like to do facebook friend purges. Once you're my friend, you've got my loyalty for life, even if we've not been friends since we were seven. And if people mistreat me, I want to try and try and try to work things out before we part ways. You can stand me up, you can hang up on me, you can tell rumors about me and I still won't want to end things unless we have to... I'm not sure why God wired me this way, but He did. I commit fast, I commit easily, I commit long term. I have no fear of the covenant of marriage. Within two weeks of meeting Ryan I wanted us to be "boyfriend and girlfriend". I am not in the slightest a commitment phobe....

But that's when it comes to people. When it comes to things, it's another story. Especially jobs! See, whenever I'd ask myself the question, "What job would you not grow to hate if you did it 40 hours a week for 5-10 years?" my heart would palpitate and I'd honestly say, "I can't think of anything." (I didn't say 'for the rest of your life' because most adults change jobs frequently anyway so there was no need to scare myself.)  It didn't mean I'd hate everything, but 40 hours a week, every week, is a lot of time to devote to something you don't really care about, and may even loathe.  And even if it's something you love to do, doing it that much makes it lose its magic. I think this is one reason why I do so many different creative outlets... after going through a crocheting frenzy, I'm sick of it and don't want to do it for at least six months. So then out comes the  jewelry making supplies until that loses its joy...

I have only had temporary jobs since I graduated from college. Now, I didn't shy away from applying for more long term jobs, and at times I really wanted them, but it doesn't really upset me I've never gotten one. I relax at the idea of not being locked in. Sure, I may not know if I will be able to pay the bills, but I won't be letting anyone down if I hate this job and leave in a few months. And if I like it, well all the better.

The real answer to "what do you want to do?" was something I figured out a few years ago. It wasn't a legitimate answer to most people, but it was a genuine answer. I wanted to be a homeschool mom. Since I wasn't a mom, wasn't married, and there's no way that pays the bills anyway the only people who liked that answer were homeschooling parents and a few of my friends who wanted to be homeschooling parents.

See, homeschooling has more to do to committing to people. And it's filled with variety, with the different subjects, different grade levels. If I don't want to do standard school, I can load the kids up and we can head to a local museum on a "field trip".  I've researched it to the gills, as much as I can without actually doing it, and I just love homeschooling. I got a passion for it from having many friends who were home-schooled and grew into the most well-rounded, intelligent, just plain awesome people ever. I had it figured out...

Then, God started to also show me more.  I can't go into it all, but God gave me vision for other things He wants me to do, to get my hands messy in. And like homeschooling, it works for me because it's committing to people, not a product, a procedure, or an organization. And not just committing to people, but committing to God. And, like homeschooling or even this blog, it doesn't really pay a thing.

Which brings us back to day jobs. As I was working as a cashier this past holiday season, I found myself in a unique position I'd never been before: I was working towards something. Not that I've not saved up for items before, but this was different. This wasn't about me.

When my back would hurt or my patience would be worn thin I'd think, "every minute brings me a little closer to India." And I'd break into a big smile.

I'd be tired or just bored of the monotony and I'd think, "You're doing so you can be with Ryan." And I'd feel peace.

I also prayed. And I tried to treat each person in my line with respect and as from the Lord. I did my job as to the Lord... but I also did it for India. For Ryan. For my future.

And so in a way, I realized something more about day jobs. In the past I'd work to pay off a cell phone bill or have money so I could afford to hang out with my friends, and it was good. It was needed. But it wasn't "worth it."  I didn't feel like I was working for any real purpose and I had horrible job satisfaction. I felt tired and like "Why oh why do we live in a world where this is necessary?"

And I'd worry if God ever put me in the position where I did have to be a breadwinner I'd fail utterly because I just crumble and implode when those jobs stressed me. I'd not want to get out of bed every morning I had to work. I was falling apart.

But not this time. Not with this job. Because I was working for my future. For the destiny God has called me to, and to be in my future husband's arms. I was working for my family.

And it gave me insight into how single parents do it. It gave me insight how my own parents did it. And it made me realize that I am not really incapable of work the way I thought. The stress and such does make me implode... if I'm working for myself. Any job can seem useless and about products, procedures and organizations, not about people, if I'm working for myself.

But any job can become about people when you're working for someone.

You know how I said I've been stewing on this one for about a month? Well, regardless, that conclusion is fresh. I love how God uses my writing to show me things, as well as to share with you.  I thank God for you. And I hope you know that this blog of mine is a lot of work (about 1-7 hours daily) and I earn no income from it, but I blog for you. And for me. And for God.  But you're a part of it. You are amazing, and I love you. I pray for you. You've got my loyalty. Just so you know.

My Darling God

It's late Monday night... really, Tuesday.  And I am sitting here, thinking way too much.

The Lord is really moving in my life. I am delighted and also anxious. Grr. Why do I have to get anxious so much?

One specific: I'm anxious about all the errands I have to get done tomorrow. Since I don't have a car, I have to get things done during my dad's day off. And I have a lot to get done tomorrow. I don't know how much I can do. 

One important thing that, again, I'm anxious about is sending off to get my passport. Paperwork and me don't get along. We never have. I didn't get my driver's permit until I was twenty-two primarily because of paperwork issues. At college each year a select amount of students- maybe five percent?- got selected for a random paperwork audit. Again and again, it was me. I'm the one the registar's office loses paperwork on, the professor/teacher misplaces the essay and accuses me of not turning it in, the one whose check gets lost.  Again and again. I don't know why I have rotten luck when it comes to paperwork, but I do. It's backed up with event after event in my life.

Consequently, the mere thought of it turns my insides to jelly. I know, it's stupid. People apply for passports everyday.

And I need to get copies made. And I need to print the form out. And I wonder if the drug store I got my pictures taken at messed them up and they'll be rejected because my head is slightly too small or large or off center.

And then I breathe.

I've wanted to do this, to send off for my passport for months. I got the money about a month ago. But it took this long because I had to get a ride to first get my pictures made, now to do this. And getting rides occupies so much of my existence. When you're dependent on others, you're dependent on their patience and schedule. I don't know if I'll be able to get it all done tomorrow. My parents don't seem to think my passport is a priority. When they talked about what we need to get done tomorrow, they listed several things, a few of which involve me, but forgot the passport. When I mentioned that, because that is #1 on my priority list, my Mom sighed and said, "We'll see." This is partially because I told her we first have to go somewhere to get copies made and then go to the post office.

I fear that we'll get the copies made, but the post office will have to wait until next week. I am sick of anticipating this torture of sending my passport off...

Okay, whoa. I just realized that this was supposed to be my "I'm Blessed" post. I'm supposed to be thanking God for the blessings He's given me and now it's turned into a page of anxious rambling.

God, I am thankful you have called me to India, to be Ryan's wife, that you are clearing the path before me.

I am thankful for the huge events that are unfolding, and each small conversation arranged by you.

I am thankful for friends who care about me.

I am thankful for being able to cast my cares on you... I know I suck at it though. Help me, God, to place my anxiety on you, and neither torture myself with it nor lash out at others because of my stress. Help me to love like you do.

I am thankful for my parents being willing to take me to do errands, despite what I said above. I do know they don't have to, and I am reminded of that when my heart cries out, "But I HAVE to do X."  I may have to, but they don't, so when they help me, it is a gift.

I am thankful for my measure of dependence in a culture that values independence. I think it is a rare and odd gift, because it hurts and teaches humility and I know I am a better person for it. I also think you are preparing me for my future, when I'll both value what independence I gain and not mourn (as keenly) any I may lose by moving to a foreign culture. Since I can't freely come and go as I please now because of transportation, I think you are helping me adjust for when I won't be able to do it then because of language, familiarity (there are no road signs, so one can get easily lost if they don't know an area), and safety.

I am also thankful because it teaches a level of patience and gratitude. When I don't get an errand done, I may not have a chance until next week. This is a painful exercise in patience... but also sheer gratitude when I can complete it unexpectedly sooner. Either thing is a virtue to learn, so I can see how you're using this situation to make me a better person.

I am also exceedingly, exceedingly grateful that you are so very, very gentle with me God. Even though being shaped is not comfortable, even painful at times, you never take me past the point where I can bear, with your help. You hurt me, hurt us, your children, only as a doctor is required to cause pain in order to remove a tumor or obstruction that is doing us far greater damage. You strike not at the healthy part of me, but instead skillfully attack my impatience, my anxiety, my ingratitude, my selfishness. You hurt that ugliness inside all men, and pull another sliver out. I hate that I have this inside me, so even though it hurts, I pray you continue and keep going until all those dark and evil places in my heart have turned to peaceful glades bathed in your light where we can rest together in love.

My heart cries out in love for you, my God. Oh take me, take me, my everything!

Thank you so, so, so much for that conversation. You know what I mean. I am sorry I have struggled to see that side of you, my multifacted, tender God, dear sweet Father, dear sweet lover of my soul. 
How much you must love me! How little I realize it! God, I am sorry I am blind. Help my eyes to see your love, for I am struck dumb by its sheer force whenever I catch a fleeting glimpse. Love me, love me, the cry of my heart! And you alone can satisfy. Thank you, my darling one, my darling one, my God!

Linking up with I'm Blessed.

The Balloon Release and the rest of Saturday

Yesterday it was my privilege to attend The Field of Sunflowers Balloon Release. It was done for the memory of my friend Hannah's daughter, Sadie Mae, who was born and died last year.  The event raised money for Perinatal Comfort Care, an organization which helps families who receive a fatal diagnosis for their child during pregnancy.

It was both a moving and joyful event. God decided to bless us with a reprieve from the rain for the duration of the event. Within two minutes of getting home, the sky opened up and it began pouring (and I had lingered for a long time after the official ending.)

Tammy from Perinatal Comfort Care

TJ, Hannah's husband, gave a speech, then passed the mike to Tammy, from Perinatal Comfort Care, who told us more about their organization. Meanwhile, Hannah was making sure that everyone who bought a balloon was getting tags.

the tag for my balloon; see how Hannah put a sunflower seed on it in hopes it'll land and a sunflower will sprout.

Then they called for all who had bought a balloon "in honor" of someone gather to get their balloons. Then they read the names one by one and released them. Then they did the same for those that were bought "in memory" of everyone other than Sadie Mae herself.

the very first balloon being released

balloons sailing into the sky

My balloon was in Sadie Mae's memory, so it was after this that I gathered with everyone and we prepared to release balloons for her.

My balloon; I added my business card to my tag and Hannah's because I'd like to know if someone finds mine

Hannah and TJ with a special bunch of balloons for their sweet girl

It was joyful and lovely. All the balloons headed due northeast.

the balloons released for Sadie Mae

It was my privilege to meet Miss Roly Poly, who my friend Hannah is in the process of adopting and "Cindy", her newest foster kid. Because they are in the foster care system, I can't use their real names or post their pictures for their privacy, but they are both beautiful and nice.

Hannah with a mug someone gave her, and Tammy from PCC

I got to hold Miss Roly Poly and she took a liking to my bracelet. I wanted to hold her on my hip, but I'm just not used to holding kids and she'd been handed to me so I was holding her in front, and I wasn't sure how to gracefully transfer her to my hip.  Then she ended up wanting "Maaa," so I passed her to Hannah and she smoothly and gracefully put her on her hip.  She has a mother's confidence, and between this and when I helped babysit Tabitha's son Jordan the other day I realized that while I love kids and they usually like me, I just don't have the confidence with them that comes from experience. I'm perfectly capable and from all I've read in books, read on blogs, and heard from friends I've got the basic knowledge. I just feel tentative, like I'll overstep my bounds if I swing the kid on my hip or whatever. So... I need more kid experience! I don't mind that conclusion. Like I said, I love them.

aside from balloons, they also sold stickers and tshirts, with all proceeds going to PCC

I got very hyper. I'd woken up and been a little anxious about whether I'd get to go; I didn't have a ride as of that morning. So I was praying and putting out feelers and I was able to secure a ride with a friend of Hannah's I'd never met. I had some soda, for the caffeine, but no food. Then he was late because he'd stopped a few houses short of mine, asking if they knew me. Blessedly, he decided to go just a bit further and found me. I am quite thankful for the ride. I got there and the event went wonderful. They had donuts and cupcakes, which was nice. I had some... and the result of nerves plus excitement plus caffeine and sugar was I was quite hyper. Nervous energy and sugar high.

I bought a t-shirt. I debated buying it because I'm saving my money for India, plus I'm paring down my possessions, but I realized it was for a good cause and plus, I'd actually like to bring this shirt to India so maybe people there may ask about her.... I have no idea why it loaded sideways and I can't get it to turn.

Then, as I went to left, my ride said to me, "Let's run to the car." He was joking, and I knew it. But I thought it'd be funny if I said, "Okay, let's run!" and ran like six feet, right? A lame joke, but again, I was hyper. Well, it was also stupid. Because it had rained all night and the grass we were walking in was soaked. I ran about five feet and just as I was about to stop, my legs flew out from under me and I landed on my bottom.

I laughed like a maniac, then I babbled to my ride all the way home. He marveled at the speed I spoke so I did something I haven't done in years; I grabbed something to read and said it to him at auctioneer speed. People always accused me of talking too fast as a kid, so my reaction was, "You think that's fast?" And I can speak at an incredible rate... but it was silly to do, because then he looked at me like I'd lost my mind and that's when I really realized I was on a sugar high.

the donuts and cupcakes

I went home and got on the phone with Ryan, who again told me I was speaking way too fast. I started fretting I'd not had the nice event I thought I'd had, but I must have made a fool out of myself there, been talking too fast, etc.  I kind of went mentally back to high school, when I regularly embarrassed myself, which was easy to do since I'd seen many people from high school that day. Then I calmed myself down. I don't know for sure, but I'm pretty sure I only starting babbling after my wipeout.  I think I was okay the rest of the time. And if not, it's also okay.  Babbling is not a criminal offense.

After getting off the phone with Ryan, I made sure I had real food to eat and took time to pray before I made a very important phone call... which took like five minutes.  The rest of the day was pretty routine.

All this, unfortunately seems to be taking away from the balloon release. I could write this over, but I'm trying to be authentic, and a large part of my day was all that so I guess I'll leave it and add "and the rest of Saturday" to the title... okay, perfect. ;)

 

The Balloon Release really was a great event and I'm very happy I was a part of it. And since Hannah told the local newspaper how much money was raised, I don't feel bad saying they were able to raise over $800, 100% of which goes to Perinatal Comfort Care! Which, by the way, is national, and even worked with one family in Canada, so if you hear of family who needs their services, reach out to them at their website.

says it all

Dreams

A few months ago, I had a dream where I was in the small town I grew up in (I still live right near it) and I ran into one of my friend's husbands.  Two days later, I was in that town and I ran into him. Now, you have to understand, I've only met the man maybe twice in my life so it's not like I see him everyday. The dream had had what I call a 'significant quality'.  Now, I hadn't run into him at the exact same place or in the exact same manner, but I did run into him.

A couple weeks later I had a dream where I ran into a friend of mine, a blogger and real life friend, who was pregnant... with twins! It was funny, because she had two baby bumps instead of one and said she hadn't announced it on her blog until the two merged into one big baby belly because it was just silly looking. Hilarious. I knew one was a boy and one was a girl.  I woke up feeling this dream was so significant that after mulling it over for 12 hours I felt I should contact that friend. Just like I hadn't run into the husband in the exact same spot, I wasn't sure that this dream meant she was pregnant... but I felt it meant something.  Well, two days later a different friend (my friend Tabitha) told me she was pregnant! And now a little over a week ago she found out it's twins! So we'll see if it's a boy or a girl, or if they only thing my dream got right was it was twins.

I first started this blog over three years ago because of a dream, sort of.  See a few years before that, my same friend Tabitha had called me and woken me up. I was still half asleep and asked her if she'd ever worked in an office, because I could clearly see a memory or something. She said "no..."  Well, over three years ago, Tabby and I worked in an office together. And on that first day of work, I suddenly was living that memory.  Yes, it was deja vu. I ended up getting peace from God that it was confirmation that at that time I was where I was supposed to be in life, and I ended up starting this blog off with my very first post expounding on that. You can read it here.

I've had lots of deja vu all my life, but it wasn't until college I figured out it was remembering dreams. And it wasn't until relatively recently that I've been able to have significant dreams like that and link them to things that happen so soon after. That's pretty new.

I've only ever had one reoccurring dream. And it was actually a reoccurring theme in a dream. I'd be a passenger in a car where there was suddenly no one driving. Sometimes we'd be driving along and the driver would disappear or bail. Sometimes the car would start on its own and pull away. And I'd be climbing over seats (I was usually in the back) and trying to steer, but usually couldn't get to the pedals...

And the car never crashed. It drove over cliffs, bridges, around curves. But in all of the times I'd have this reoccurring dream, it never crashed.

And I'd wake up and think, "I really need to get my driver's license." Because that's what I thought the dream was about.

Then a few years ago when I was visiting my aunt and uncle in Kansas City, they had a few books on Christian dream interpretation. I'd never consult a secular book on dream interpretation; I remember Pharoah and his courts trying to interpret dreams in Genesis and it was only when Jacob, who was given the ability by God, looked at the dream did they get anywhere. I believe true dream interpretation is given by God. So I looked through these books, really just for fun, and one of them was set up like a glossary or a reference book. If, like me, your dream had a car in it, you'd look up a car and you'd see what they normally represent.

Well, a car represented control.

And suddenly, bam, the true interpretation hit me. Those dreams weren't about my driver's license anymore than Jesus saying 'beware the yeast of the Pharisees' was about how much bread the disciples had. That dream was saying that I was in a car that was being driven by no one I could see with my eyes, but it was okay.  That I am a passenger in the car of my life, but God is behind the wheel and it is okay. Or as a hymnist put it "It is well, it is well with my soul!"

How do I know that was the correct interpretation? Not just because it resonated with me (after all, feelings can lie) but because the dreams stopped. I never had that dream again for years, until this past summer when I was unemployed and getting a biopsy, and it reoccurred. And I cooled my anxiety, and put my hope in the Lord, and it went away again.

I'm not saying all dreams are significant, though all can be impact us. The other night I woke up from a nightmare and called Ryan in tears. I kept calling and calling until I got him (he said I called 20 times; I was half asleep and didn't realize it was that many times.) But I'd had a nightmare about our relationship, and he soothed me and comforted me and loved me even though I was being a loon, and I think our relationship grew a little stronger because of it.

And then the other day I had a crazy long, complicated dream. I get those. But then for the first time in my life, I was able to analyze and intepret it myself. Every single detail of an extremely complicated dream (I wrote it down on a legal pad and it took more than a full page) was in line with a common theme: I want to be a mom.  There were about three or four plot lines, that all circled around it. It focused on the subjects of adoption, biological kids, raising kids when they were older, and in the end concluded it was complex, I'd be a mom when the time was right, it's possible to make an impact in children's lives now even without being a mom, and motherhood is a huge responsibility not to be taken lightly... but I desperately want to be a mom. 

I've never, ever been able to interpret a dream like that. It was amazing. It made me wonder if God is giving me new insights in general, or if it was just that one dream. I don't know.

Lastly, as I wrote this post a friend of mine messaged me on facebook. A friend who has had amazing dreams from God about the Church universal, the war between Good and evil, and all sorts of things... and reminded me to mention that too. Even when He'd not let me interpret them, dreams have played a part in my fellowship and friendship with my brethren in Him.

There's no major conclusion to this post. I just wanted to let you know what God has been doing in my life through dreams, and share.  God uses dreams a lot in the Bible to communicate with us.  I don't think any of us should go overboard in running with a dream, and I think that He'll confirm everything He sends us; He tells us to test all things. But I do think dreams are a legitimate way He communicates with us.

Oh, and Tabitha? Last time she was pregnant, I suddenly out of nowhere asked her if she was pregnant when she was and didn't know it at all yet (possibly the week she conceived) and she had four or five people dream she was pregnant. This time? She had at least six people dream about twins and tell her about it.  I don't know what it is about God letting people dream about Tabby's pregnancies, but He's certainly done it!

Linked up with Brag on God Friday.

Remembering and Praying

As I was laying in bed slowly waking up this morning I realized I should write this post. I'm not sure I have a right to, but I feel like I need to...

Then I woke up and read my friend Hannah's post and cried. Sharing her post and asking for prayer is probably the best way to go.

Today it's been one year since Hannah and her husband TJ have seen their baby, Sadie Mae. One year ago today she was born, and died. Please pray for them, as this is probably one of the hardest days of their life. Please, everyone who is reading this take the time, right now, to lift them to the Lord. And not just today but tomorrow too, because I know there are lots of people praying for them today, but most of them probably won't think about this tomorrow.

This Saturday they will be having a balloon release for her memory, for the memory of other babies who are no longer with us, and to raise money for perinatal care and adoption. I'm planning on going.You can buy a balloon even if you're way to far to make the trip, just contact her.

So just lift Hannah and TJ up today, and visit her blog. Share in the fruit of Sadie Mae's little life. It was short, but it was important. And now she lives forever.

Happy Birthday, Sadie Mae.

I'm Blessed

Normally I do the "I'm Blessed" post (where I thank God for blessings in my life) on Mondays, or if I'm a little late on Tuesday. But now it's pretty much Wednesday and I really need to get on it.

I didn't do it earlier because first I had trouble with my review that I'd planned on posting early on Monday, and secondly I hurt my rib somehow. I was in a lot of pain Monday and stayed in bed and read six- yes, SIX- books on my Nook. 

So, to start off, I am very thankful and blessed to have my Nook.  I'm thankful for Nook support as well and hopeful that the issue I'm having will be solved by getting a replacement one (which is already in the mail headed my way.)  Apparently I have a weird issue the Nook people have never seen before. Ah well.

I'm thankful for my parents, who took me around to do a lot of things today, like pick up my last paycheck, get my passport photos and service my Nook.

I'm blessed to be a book reviewer and get free books in exchange for reviews. I really, really enjoy that.

passport photos!

I'm thankful to HAVE MY PASSPORT PHOTOS.  Seriously, I've needed to get this done. I've had the money. It's not quite "have sent off for my passport" but hopefully that's a heartbeat away. Since my sister went back to college, my family is down to one car and I can't just go out and get things done any day of the week. 

I'm thankful for my friends, especially Tabby, and her precious children... both the born and the unborn.

I'm thankful for pain medication. Because it's helped me deal with whatever this mysterious rib injury is. (I'm talking tylenol and ibuprofen.)

I'm thankful for my darling Ryan, my darling, darling Ryan. I'm thankful for the phone and internet which allow us to have an intimate and loving relationship when we're 8,000 miles apart. I'm thankful for the trials and difficulties because they test and try our relationship and prove its mettle.

I'm thankful for my Sophie-dog, Radar-pup, and the cats.  Pets just enrich our lives. Seriously.

I'm thankful for my new business cards, emblazoned with my soon-to-be married name, equipped with my contact information for after I move to India.  They please me, fill me with hope, and also are just plain cool.

I'm thankful for heaters. Because it's winter and it's cold.

I'm thankful to God for God. Because He is the best, the center, the alpha and omega, the reason for it all. He's awesome, and He's my friend and family. WOW.

Book Review: The Christmas Singing by Cindy Woodsmall

This novel is the story of Mattie, an Amish girl who at the opening of the book has a pretty happy life. She's the successful owner of a cake bakery, and is seeing the nice and stable Sol with the intentions of marrying him, someday. She's come a long way since three years ago when her heart was broken by finding the man she loved, Gideon, in an Englischer girl's embrace. It was because of this betrayal she moved to a different Amish community to start her bakery and start over with life.

Then a disaster happens which causes her to come home to her parent's for an extended visit... where she can't seem to help but come across Gideon. As memories and wounds come to light, so do secrets that could change everything.

I genuinely enjoyed this book. I've read other Cindy Woodsmall books, and I don't think this one is quite as well written. She'd tell us a detail in one chapter, then tell all about it again a couple chapters later. Also, since she featured a few characters from other books of hers I haven't read, I had trouble differentiating between vague allusions to the past that were part of the story, i.e. things she'd reveal more about later but was trying to interest us in now, and allusions to the past that were nods to readers of past works.

However, while this wasn't Woodsmall's best, she's such a good writer it was definitely worth reading anyway.

I received a copy of this book for free from the publishers in exchange for my unbiased review.

Lemonade Sunday...

part of the way I walked.

You know how I ended yesterday's post on the optimistic note that I'd get to take Communion twice in a row?  Well, another example happen on how God doesn't like me to plan.

I totally overslept.

I woke up and was lying happily in my bed, not feeling any urgency to get up when suddenly it hit me, It's Sunday. I have church! I shot up and reached out to grab my clock and look at it (it wasn't facing me) and telling myself, "Don't panic. There may still be time."  It said to me 9:39.  My first reaction of my sleepy brain was, I have time! My second reaction was Oh no! We were going to the early service today. They said they'd be here at 8:30. You missed church.

In a panic I got online and apologized profusely to my ride, who were wonderful enough to come all the way out of their way to come and get me only to not have me be smart enough to set an alarm.  Then I sat there, all woebegone. I missed church. Horrible person, I am.

Then it occurred to me it was only like 9:50. I could still go to church. Just not my church, since I didn't have a ride. But I could walk to the corner church, about a quarter mile away. I relaxed and got a little happy thinking about that. I like the people there. It's not my style of worship, but they're a legitimate branch of the Body of Christ and I was blessed to be able to have a plan B. I was blessed to be able to wake up early enough I could wake up comfortably, have breakfast, and still get to a church service!

That's the lemonade from the title. You know, "when life gives you lemons, make lemonade?"

So I got up and had some fruit loops (yes, fruit loops) and talked to Ryan for a half second before dashing out the door.  Walking a quarter mile takes longer than I'd like to admit it does and I've been late before, and I hate being late for church. So I tried to leave with plenty of time.

I was looking forward to the walk, because I was used to running or walking several times a week when I was doing See Pam Run (I haven't forgotten, I'm debating starting again now that my seasonal job ended, or maybe waiting for spring since I really don't want to do it when it's like 20 degrees out. We'll see.)  But what I had forgotten about were the dogs.  But that was crazy enough it deserves its own post, but let's just say it wasn't the peaceful, happy walk I'd planned on and I decided if I got an offer for a ride home, I'd take it.

I got there early enough, which was a relief, especially since I had no idea what time it was. I had no time keeping device on my person.

As the service started I remembered something from God Calling which I'd read just the other day: to take every interruption, disruption, etc not as a burdensome irk but as an appointment sent from God. And I know perfectly well God is capable of waking me up in time for church, so while I am not happy I missed fellowshipping with my brethren at my home church, I'm taking this from God. Indeed, it occurred to me that God was good enough to let me take Communion and fellowship with my church family yesterday because He'd already planned I'd be going to this corner church today.

The sermon was very good and moving, and I found myself praying for this church, lifting them up.  After the service, I got to give my friend Anne, the pastor's wife there, her Christmas present (we've not seen each other since before Christmas) and then I got a ride home with someone with whom I went to high school.

All in all the lemonade was pretty good. It might not have been the beverage I planned on having, but hey, who said I was allowed to plan anyway?

Ordination Saturday

Today I went to an ordination at our church. It was the first time I've ever been to one, so I was pretty excited to get to go.  It was pretty much what I thought it was, and so of course that meant it was really good.   

It was a slightly more formal style service than our normal Sundays, which seemed befitting. There were lots of clergy members there, which was fun to see. I only knew a couple of them. The sanctuary was packed. We were actually a little late, coming in during the first hymn, and there were no parking places left. We had to park beside the grass. I don't have any pictures for you because a) I was too busy worshiping and fellowshiping and b) flash photography was forbidden anyway.

The sermon shared with me a really cool way to look at Jesus' own words.  The priest giving it, who I've never met before, focused on how when Jesus spoke, he'd talk about things both figuratively and literally, just like the rest of us. But when he was being figurative and people misunderstood, he'd correct them. If it was just a typical misunderstanding, he'd just do it normally. He gave a couple of examples, including how when Jesus said that Lazarus was sleeping and the disciples thought that meant he'd be okay, and Jesus had to clarify that what he meant was Lazarus was dead.

Yet, in other circumstances it wouldn't be a misunderstanding so much as a rejection of the Truth, and in those cases, Jesus would come back and make his point stronger, so that the offended person had to choose to accept the Truth or walk away.  He gave a  few examples, among them when Jesus forgave the paralytic man who was lowered from the ceiling's sins, and the Pharisees in attendance were offended. Instead of backing down or watering down the truth, Jesus took it to the next level and showed not only had He the authority to forgive sins, but to heal the man as well.

Then the priest applied it our gospel text for the service, which was from John 6 and talked about Jesus as the bread of life, which his disciples murmured about being a hard saying. So Jesus talked then about how if you didn't eat of his flesh and drink his blood, you'd have no life in you. And many walked away.

He went on to say that this was a good example for Father Charles, to take a hard stance for the Truth, as Christ did, when teaching from the Word.  Not to back down or water things down when people rise in offence, as many do.  I think that is a wonderful lesson for all ministers of the Word, as well as for all Christians in our life. I know sometimes I water things down to avoid a confrontation, and I felt convicted.

I was also excited at this new revelation about Jesus' teaching style and I am excited to try to apply it as I'll start my Bible in 90 days challenged I am starting with Ryan on January 30th. I wonder what fresh insights the Lord will show me!

It was a good sermon, but not the only good part of the ordination. My favorite part was the pure joy on his face when he was vested and ordained, and when his family came up to join him.

Afterwards there was a delicious meal we all ate in fellowship together. I love my church, and I consider myself quite blessed that I will get to take Communion two days in row! Yay!

Congratulations, yet again, to the new Father Charles if he reads this. And I'm saying a quick prayer for ministers of the Church everywhere, no matter what their title or lack thereof!  May we all be unified.

Fruitful Prayers

God has been hearing my prayers. He has been reassuring me.

My job, which God sent to me after nineteen and a half months of waiting, has ceased. So one prayer: what do I do now?

Ryan and I are wanting to get married. There are practical considerations thereof, which require thought and planning... and openness to God's unexpected nature. We have to know when to be firm, when to be flexible; when to dream and when to let go of all expectations. So each day is a strange collision of these things, and yet often is good. And another prayer: how to get from here to there?

God has been letting me in on His plans for me... partially. His way is to be a light unto a path, not to hand me the map. He has more fun guiding me on the journey then letting me do it alone, and I need to lean on Him.  Yet, when God lets us in on a hint, we are always "how? why? when? where? let's make plans and get going!" And I need to caution myself, hoping, hoping, hoping I won't pull a Sarah and have a whole "Hey, Abraham, have you met Hagar?"

Earlier this week, I was encouraged to pray for boldness. I did.

And later, I found myself boldly articulating some truths that have been in my brain... truths that I hadn't realized God really wanted me to share. I'd given to supressing them based on my understanding of authority. I never really feel like I have any, so I have to earn it, before I can speak out and make a point.  But if I am listening to, living with, and following Christ, and I speak in love, then my authority is His.

I wrote the following. It was a comment on someone's blog. Honestly, it wasn't in response to what the author of the blog said so much as it was the accumulation of months and mostly obedience to God to write. I couldn't not write. I edited some points to make it clearer here:

[Recently] I posted in my own blog about being more authentic in my blogging... I was going to shy away from [saying this] because it was too raw, but God has compelled me that to not speak up would be to disobedient to Him. I mean this all in gentle love.

I am not rich. Blessed? Indeed. [A post I did on my blog celebrates] the blessed quality of yesterday, blessings that had nothing to do with possessions or money. This week has actually been really great. But when I think of money, I tremble. I’m not rich. I’ve never made close to $35,000, [if you do, you're in the 4% richest people in the whole world] or close to $10,000 in a year. I’ve never owned a car. I’ve never had a steady, full time job. I graduated college and since then I’ve had three part-time, temporary jobs. Added together, ten months employment in forty-three months. This week, my seasonal position– the first job I’ve gotten in nineteen & half months– has ceased. I have debts that I do not add to, and haven’t for years, but I also haven’t made much effort in paying off because my income has been so small. I am not homeless… only because I live with my parents. Without their generosity, I would be. My belly is not empty. I praise the Lord for this. I am definitely blessed. I sleep in a warm house in a cold, wet January and I am grateful. 

And I definitely have too many possessions. God’s been telling me to go and clear it out. I am not a paragon. But I am so sick of hearing “all American Christians are rich and selfish and need to figure it out”. I am not saying that those who are shouldn’t be compelled to generosity. And I am not at all ignorant of the poverty overseas and the fact that I think that God has blessed our country in order to pass these blessings on. That is always His Way.

But this issue is so much bigger than this. I am moving to India. Partially this is because I’m marrying a wonderful, amazing Indian man God made me for, and part of it is because God’s calling me to go. Another part is because the visa process for an international couple is just so much easier there than here… I can’t actually afford for him to come to me. 

But a large part of it, and this is me being authentic here I don’t tell everyone this, is there really isn’t anything in America for me anymore. I’m sure this has to do with God encouraging me to go, and seek His path for my life, but I’m not alone.

On the US census, 1 out of 5 in my generation was unemployed. That was two years ago. The situation has not improved.

I have a heart for the poor of the world. But I think we, as Christians, need to wise up to the poor in the church. In Acts, the Christians prayed for a spirit of boldness and instantly they became active in generosity. Their first act of giving was to take care of the needy among them. It never says they started a soup kitchen or wrote letters to soldiers. I’m not dissing those things. But the first thing they took care of, the first priority, was making sure not a single brother or sister didn’t have what they needed.

I think the American church needs to see that 1 Timothy 5:8 “If anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for his immediate family, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever” does not just apply to our spouses, parents, and children, but to our brothers and sisters in Him. Any church that gives generously to strangers of ambiguous spiritual state without first making sure every member’s needs is met is in violation of this verse.

I had that revelation months ago. But I’ve been too afraid to share. I am poor and I thought, “people will just think I’m begging for a handout. But I do think this is Truth from God. I’ll wait until I’m on my feet, and then tell them.” But now I am convicted of how wrong that was. 

I’m trembling inside, because I feel I must write this or be disobedient. I’m more timid than this normally; but I also have prayed for boldness. God bless you, and keep you, and give you growth, joy, strength, and peace. Seriously. Nothing but love. Strong words, but nothing but love.

I really was trembling inside when I finished writing that. And I was humbled because I realized God had given me that message months ago, but I had hesitated. But I'm sharing it now, and running back to Him to await more.

I also trembled when I made some phone calls this week. About things in my life that is very important. Things that are both fruit of prayer and reason for further prayer. I took a good step forward to be obedient and trust God with everything. Not saying I'm great at either of those things, but I am clinging to Him to make me better.

I have prayed the Lord reveal something to me by my birthday, something private, something important. (My birthday is in February.) 

Ryan and I are also praying for Him to get a job. This week if possible. If not, at least by the end of the month. We are not praying this selfishly. We are praying this because God has given us confirmation and promises about our future, and we believe he needs a job for us to realize this future.  If you follow my blog regularly you know that he had a job interview this week.  We are close to this, I believe. But we have also prayed about how we know if it's the right job. So we will be obedient to Him.

I have seen God show up so much recently.  So much fruit. So much larger understanding. Blogging about that again soon.

I wanted to share with you about fruitful prayers. To encourage, to be authentic, to love you.

Linking up to Brag on God Friday.

Calling for Prayers!

Okay, you know how I posted the other day about being more authentic?

You know I'm planning on moving to India and marrying Ryan? Well, in order for that to happen, we need to have an income. I can't legally work for the first year in India, so Ryan has to make enough for both of us to live. So, prayerfully he left his not-paying-enough job and has been searching since, with a few breaks.  Then this month, suddenly he could find many listings he qualified for that would pay enough.  This is step we can't skip in the process of being together.

So Ryan has an interview tomorrow and we really would appreciate your prayers.

And guess what... my best friend Tabitha is having TWINS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Can you tell I'm excited?)

Such exciting news... but her firstborn will only be 16 months old when they are born. So she could also probably use your prayers!

God is so good!

Book Review: The Christian Lover by Michael Haykin

This is a collection of love letters from Christians throughout history. Haykin picked letters to express all the seasons of love. There are letters are from ministers, missionaries, and martyrs.

The first few chapters were slow, but I found myself chuckling at Martin Luther's humorous tone with his wife, and somberly reading of Calvin's grief. I was enjoying the book, but was beginning to wonder if any of the letters would have the romantic feel I'd expected from the description when we got to the love letters of the Dodderidges. I'm involved in a long distance relationship and really related to the yearning and dependency on God.

The book then was pretty captivating. I know a couple just like Sally and Thomas Charles! I poignantly was caught up in Adoniram Judson's letters, expressing willingness to die for the cause of Christ.

The crowing jewel of the book, and I think Haykin made a wonderful choice in placing them last, were the last letters of Helmuth von Moltke to his wife Freya. These were the recorded thoughts of a martyr. Von Moltke was being put to death by the Nazis for obedience to Christ.  I've often wondered about the intimacy of soul and Christ as Christian martyrs have "faced the lions."  This dear brother blessed us all by writing about his spiritual state, his love and reflection, to his wife before his execution. I had tears in my eyes, not for the loss of his life, but instead tears of love that he existed. Tears of love that I am part of the same Body as him. And tears of love for our beloved and sustaining Christ who upheld him during this time and forevermore.

All the letters in this book are worth reading. Some touched me more, others may touch you more.  Haykin created a good anthology. This book is published by the Reformation Trust, and consequently the letters were chosen mainly from Christians whose lives were in line with or sympathetic to Reformed Christianity. However, I believe the love between couples and God transcends that viewpoint and a wide audience of Christians can enjoy this book.

I am richer for having read this book.

I receive this book free from the publishers for my unbiased review.

I'm Blessed

It's time to thank God for just a meager sampling of the blessings of the week.

Thank you, God, for the conversations Ryan and I have been having this week.

Thank you for the sweet friendships you've given me with so many wonderful people.

Thank you for Bible Study and church.

Thank you for the guidance and insight you've been giving me this week.

Thank you for your grace.

Thank you for my sweet pets.

Thank you for my parents, sisters, and just the fact I know you're in control.

Thank you for the fact I have peace about serious decisions. I value that so much.  Thank you for faith.

Thank you for blog for books programs.

Thank you for faith based on knowledge of your character that I will not be alone during this transition.

Thank you for your Word.

Linking up with I'm Blessed.

Sunday

Okay, so I actually took this photo on Saturday.

My Sunday was blessed.

It started with my getting ready for church.  I was flipped around the television and found a Christian program that was so inspiring I found myself dancing around the living room praying and praising.

Then I went outside and waited for my ride to arrive. I'm just so joyful and grateful to be able to go regularly to church. I realized that God probably had me not able to go to church so long so I could learn to possess such a grateful heart. I think many people take church for granted, but God has blessed me with circumstances that encourage me to appreciate and know what a blessing it is.

Church was great, and God's providence was all over it. For example, they were having us sign up to come and get our photos taken for an updated church directory. When I looked at the sign up sheets, I saw the last name of the sweet family who gives me a ride to church... surrounded by other names, no time slot even remotely near it.  Ah well. So I'd have to find another ride.  After some thought, I decided to sign up for a time my parents might be able to take me to, since I could always cancel if they couldn't do it. On the flip side, if they told me when they were free, there probably wouldn't be any time slots left, so at least I got one.

Well, when I got to the car to leave with my ride, the mother told the father what time she'd signed up for.

"Are you kidding?" I asked, happily. They'd taken the time slot fifteen minutes before mine! There's another family in the church with the same name as them, and that's the one I'd seen.  So God provided me with a ride.

I'm also getting a ride with them to an ordination next week.  One of deacons is becoming a priest! I'm excited, I've never been to an ordination. We've had several since I joined, but they've always happened in Columbia.  This one is happening at our own church.  It'll be a new experience, and I'm excited to be given the gift of being able to participate so fully in church life.

During church itself, I just prayed and prayed and let my spirit commune with God.  I had brought God Calling, and I read it during some of the quiet moments, like while others were taking communion. I met Christ in communion, and I just was on a total God high by the time the service ended. I love my church so much. I love my God so much. It was just such a blessed, blessed Sunday.

Five minutes after getting home, the phone rang. It was Ryan.  We talked... for hours.  At one point, as I was opening the refrigerator door, the cordless phone I was one just died.  As I went to hang it up, I said to my mother "this one doesn't warn you it's going to die anymore."

"Well, when you talk on it for five hours that's what happens," she said with a smile.

"It's not been five hours," I said with a laugh. It'd only felt like forty-five minutes.

It'd been a little more than two hours.

And I went to my bedroom and got on the corded phone and called him back.

It was just so much fun. This past week or so, our conversations have been so intense. We've had fights, and serious discussions. All good stuff, actually.  We've been growing by leaps and bounds as a couple. We've been hammering out important things about getting married, moving, jobs, cars, and even the actually distant things like children.

But Sunday we just enjoyed each other as friends.  We talked about Jesus and just shared friendship and love.  He's my best earthly friend, and he's desperately in love with God and pursuing Him, and I'm in love with them both.

It was such a blessed Sunday.  So blessed. I wish I could express the peace and joy and love God poured into me through fellowship, secret  moments, pleasant weather, and scripture. I wish I could just pour it all into you all. Oh, seek God! Seek Him always.