Thursday, May 23, 2013

Have Joy

God is telling me to have joy.

I started this blog to show forth what He's done, is doing, and is sharing about doing in my life and also in the lives of others who intersect with mine, which I suppose also is in my life, but in an indirect manner. This blog isn't about me. I've said this many times, and today it's definitely true.

It might seem weird to say a lifestyle blog is not about the person whose life it's chronicling. Of course it's about you, some readers probably think, you just say that because it sounds good.

But see, it's a matter of truth or Truth. Is this blog about my life? Yes. But is my life about me? No.

My life is about Him. For Him, by Him, with Him, in Him. That's what my life is.
Okay, weird photo. But figured I'd take one to
have one.

And so it's shameful to me to tell you that God's telling me to have joy... and I'm not. That I'm complaining and wallowing in my own weakness. That I'm impatient, irritable and unloving.

Like most folks, I like the happy ending, the feel good tale. And if I am reading a tale of darkness and pain, I like it to be meaningful like good literature. And I do think this is all meaningful... but not usually tied up in a bow the way literature is, you know?

This life of mine, I'm living it, but I'm not directing it. So while I'm struggling to find the joy, it's my job to share that with you. Even though I find it shameful, and humbling. Well, at least there's something positive in that. Humility is a good thing.

But lately there's nothing good in me. I've been failing to let Christ rule me as He should. And honestly, I'm at a loss.

I look back at the faith filled dewey eye girl of not quite six months ago who flew 8,000 miles in the unknown for love of God and her future husband and I think...

What happened to me?

The truth is, I know. I could tell you stories of betrayal and stress and belittlement and bewilderment, critical expectations and chronic, never ending stress.

But they wouldn't be told out of love.

And this is God's blog.

Unless I've personally told you, you don't know what I'm talking about. Please don't speculate. I'm reading that list and in my crazy mind thinking of ways people could speculate and breaking out in a sweat... well, I already was sweating. It's 108 degrees, with a high of 115 a few hours away. But still.

God has told me to have joy. And I'm failing.

But that's on me, not Him. And I will have joy. And I will have faith. And I will dance and sing and read this and think, "Wow, God! Look how far you took me!"

So I write this, in my dark little sad place, yearning for different things, because I know the bright light joy stuff is around the corner.

Because God told me to have joy.

And God is good. And sovereign. And true. And all things work for the good of those who love Him.

And while I confess my love is not perfect, I love Him despite of me. Because of Him. Because of Him.

I hate writing things like this because I like a happy tale. I like the idea of people reading my writings and feeling uplifted, never dragged down to my stupid little level.

But I'm not the one writing, really, am I? I'm just a character with a penchant for words to whom the task of keeping a blog has fallen.

So God, this is for you. And through Him, reader, for you. And in the doing, and thus the flowing, for me.

Praise God.

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