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Wednesday, October 30, 2013

Feeling Vulnerable

I was feeling incredibly vulnerable and thought about writing a facebook status but changed my mind.
Sophie expresses vulnerability pretty well here with her eyes, awww
When I show my vulnerability publicly it makes so many people uncomfortable.

"Yeah," I thought to myself, "you're good at that" with a sort of mental laugh at myself.

Then I realized... yes, I actually am pretty good at that. And it made me sad. Not because I'm good at being vulnerable in public or making people uncomfortable, but because it's so rare.

One cry of my generation that I've seen is a cry for genuineness. I'm not sure why this cry exists, but it seems to, even here in India. We are sick of the fake, we want people to be sincere and genuine in a way generally the older generations don't appreciate. It's just something ingrained in most of us.

Because of this, when I've been publicly vulnerable, yes sometimes it is ignored or sneered at and it hurts. But more often I have found people telling me how thankful they are that I opened up, praising me for my genuineness, and offering me company. Too often it seems to be permission for them to do the same and offer their own pain as comfort to me that I'm not alone, just as they feel comforted by hearing my story.

Now I do think there is a time, a place, and a purpose. God's got a plan for each of us and it doesn't involve us being emo all over facebook all the time. But I do think that we often withhold our emotions selfishly. We don't share because to share is to be vulnerable, and we want to avoid that... and  yet our souls cry out in their loneliness because we feel so alone and when we find someone sharing the same cry as our heart, the comfort abounds.

I don't remember exactly how it went but I remember years ago learning that we Christians have the Holy Spirit as our comforter, and because of this we are enabled and commissioned to help others. And the Bible does say the reason for many of our trials is so that we share in sufferings and weaknesses in order to reach others plagued by them.

So for my fellow Christians it is especially important for us not to hide our pain but to share it so that others hurting might find comfort in us as we find comfort in God.

I write all this and realize I haven't actually shared my vulnerability, so it seems a bit hypocritical. Right now I'm feeling vulnerable because I'm very lonely. There's a lot going on in my life, which I'll soon share, and I just feel so alone. I know intellectually I have God, but I am aching for the family and friends back in the States. I am feeling sorry for myself because I haven't connected with people here as much as I'd like. I'm beating up with myself because I'm wondering how many mistakes I've made that might have kept me from those things. And I'm battling bitterness and weariness because this is all just so hard and I'm not very strong.

A verse keeps coming up to comfort me though. Well, I find it intellectually comforting and it literally keeps coming up, with more than one person telling me and so I know it's from the Lord (well all Bible verses are from the Lord, but you know, specifically for my situation):

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." -Matthew 11:28

I'm going to leave it there for today, as I should probably stop and meditate on that anyway. Love to you all!

3 comments:

  1. Whatever you're going through, I hope you find comfort soon. Thanks for sharing as I've been feeling similar lately. Looking forward to reading more about your experience because it really help to let it out and it also helps readers like me. Wishing you peace- Caroline

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  3. Pam praying for you, dont worry this moment shall surely pass away.... and yes to love by any means is to be vulnurable

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