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Thursday, July 2, 2015

Night Lizards

I really miss blogging. I miss getting to really write, not just dash something off on the go. I know this is just the season of life I am in, too many offline demands. And I love this season of life. I am writing this by after nursing my little Dreamer to sleep and my heart is full. I just miss getting to share that fullness with you.

Hopefully I will get to change that. I want to write moving "more than this" kinds of pieces. But every time I try now it will literally take me weeks to find the time and then I often have lost my inspiration. I know if I don't finish this before bed i--

Ha! I was interrupted there by strange noises coming from the living room. Princess and Vex were knocking things over in their attempt to catch a poor lizard that's on our ceiling. It's always something, even when Dreamer is, well, dreaming.

She also won't nap without me. It's night now, not a nap, but for her naps during the day if generally me or at least somebody isn't with her she senses the absence and wakes up sobbing. She will nap for half an hour to two hours if I stay next to her. If I get up and leave the room for even twenty seconds there's a 75% chance she'll wake up. If I stay out of the room for 5-10 minutes there's a 100% chance. This means even though I have a toddler who loves to nap I can't actually accomplish anything during them and have to only get chores done when she's awake (you Moms know the difficulty in that) or when Ryan is home, awake and watching her.

Sadly, that's not often enough since he works nights. We are really struggling on his current schedule. My light therapy is keeping me on a "normal" schedule where I am getting up around 6-8am but he's getting home between 4:30 and 6 so by the time I wake up he's asleep or falling asleep. He generally sleeps all day, wakes up and wants me to feed him, then has about one hour he prefers to spend with me then he has to get ready for work. And even when he watches Dreamer I often find myself just sitting because I spend my days so hyper aware, you know? I have to be aware of her at all times. So that time when he watches her is the only break my mind has where it doesn't have to be aware. Except then I feel guilty because there's dishes to wash and laundry to put away.

His schedule tends to change every month but it only shifted by one hour last month. So not only is this schedule hard but it's been hard for longer than normal. Additionally that one hour shift made him leave earlier in the evening and get home earlier before I was awake. Before I got an extra hour in the evening and since his coming home was simultaneous with me waking up we had time to at least chat about our days before he slept. So it robbed us of time together at both ends.

We have started to go on dates without her. We've had two. First one was okay but I was tense. Dreamer was angry at me when we reunited, which shook me because that hadn't occurred to me. I thought she'd either be totally fine or a crying mess who would want her mommy. She instead was mad at me for the next 12 hours. Daddy, however, got three kisses within the first hour, presumably because since he leaves for work and comes back that kind of behavior is acceptable from him.
The second date was more fun because I wasn't so nervous about it.

Instead of a date we're going as a family to celebrate the fourth of July with other Americans this upcoming weekend. I am super excited actually and hoping there is good American style food!
Food wise we're trying to eat healthier in general. I am back to logging my calories on my fitness pal and have gotten Ryan to join me. We're also trying to work out. In our first week at it I lost .4 pounds and Ryan lost 2 pounds. Men! Their hormones work with them to build muscle and burn calories instead of against them. Still I am very happy about his loss as I am still way smaller than I used to be where as he's just beginning to make his change.

I have been trying to meal plan more and even started a blog post about that I half finished before Mommyhood stole me away on Monday. I am planning to get back to it but probably not until next week.

I am still happily breastfeeding though and so am nervous about watching what I eat in case my supply dries up. Which could totally happen because of days like today, or rather yesterday. I just felt like a total slug and couldn't figure out why until after lunch when I went to log calories for the first time since yesterday at lunch. I went ahead and finished off yesterday and realized that I had barely eaten! I ate only a tiny bit more than the calories I was "allowed" for the day. It wasn't that I had skipped meals, I had just only had low calorie things like eggs and vegetable soup. Blessedly my breast milk seems unaffected. I deliberately ate *all* of today's allowed calories including those "earned" from breastfeeding and I will definitely be making sure that I log more regularly not just to avoid over eating but also under!

I am still totally struggling with this whole "regular schedule" thing, though I think my biggest enemies are the heat and Ryan's night shift. The heat both drives me to spend most of my day in the sole air conditioned room, our bedroom, and saps me of my energy when I leave it. However because Ryan is sleeping in there from when I wake up until early to late afternoon it's also very dark in our bedroom. Since light therapy (where I shine a special ultra bright light at my face in the mornings) is working I am obviously susceptible to light. But Ryan also needs to sleep and won't if I pull the curtains. So I am awake but feeling sluggish most days until early evening. But I am back in bed by late evening so that's not very helpful. Actually last week I was finding myself still doing chores until 11, which helped keep the house in order but I was dying because my sleep was disrupted. So this week I am trying to get to bed earlier except the house is just crazy right now despite being spotless just Sunday. I need to find the balance.

I guess that's what life is lately. Finding the balance. Including spiritual balance which I realized was totally out of whack after I read a book over a month ago now and ignited me to read again. I began reading a lot of Christian books and realized how deeply I had lacked it. Because reading takes concentration, your eyes and often your hands it had really not been a priority since Dreamer started rolling over really. But reading really deeds my Spirit and I realized that I need to prioritize it.
Of course I also need to prioritize reading the Bible. I am in Proverbs now and also been reading a Bible Study devotional that has me in Romans.

Ryan and I have also been trying to make it a point to pray together everyday.

Okay, my melatonin us kicking in. I kind of want to revise and polish this and add a photo but melatonin takes two hours to hit you and only gives you a twenty minutes window to drift off so if not now then my sleep will get off. And I could try to publish this tomorrow except that's why I have like 20 something drafts that I have never published. So better rambly and picture less than not at all, right?

Miss you, readers.

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